Friday, June 11, 2010

10 Steps To Seducing Your Hot Virgin Vampire BF by halojones







10 Steps To Seducing Your Hot Virgin Vampire BF



halojones

35

88,947

4662

This story starts off after Edward rebuffs Bella's modest advances in their newly acquired bed in Edward's room. But things take a turn for the better for these two lovesick kids when Alice takes things into her own hands. Never bet against Alice!




Our old skoooool recc this week is a rip roaring rollick. Its fun, fast & a laugh a minute. Since this fic was written, tons have tried to emulate it and its premise. Frustrated Bella, out to show Edward, that she has needs damnit! She is not a girl, she is woman! Hear her roar! ;) Here is the set-up:


"Look at you right now, Bella, in your pjs and socks. You look as angelic and innocent as Edward actually thinks. But WE know better, don't we?" Let's just say when Edward isn't around, me and her can speak like truck drivers as she tells me about all her adventures with the apparently "gifted" Jasper-military precision isn't his only talent apparently!

"It's time you let Edward see you in a different light. As a strong young woman who not only wants him as much as he wants her, but who has the ability to seduce even the most uptight, repressed virgin vampire known to man."

My eyes rolled with that last remark. "Me? Seduce? I"m the one wearing Charlie's tube socks-remember?"

She winked at me. "You also are the one with Alice on your side." She closed her eyes for a couple minutes, and then abruptly opened them with an impish grin. "It's set in motion. Stick with me, Bells, and you will single handedly seduce my ice cube of a brother come Prom Night-two weeks from tonight." She smugly nodded her head.
I raised an eyebrow. "Prom Night? Edward and I aren't going to Prom."

Alice glared at me. "You are if I say you are. And you are now. It's crucial to the scheme."


So it has been copied by many. What this fic does, where so many fail, is that it adds its own pinch of salt to the mix. Halo adds LOTS of humour, giggles and laughs (or snorts in my case!) to her story. Bella has womanly needs, but needs to be taught how to channel those alongside feminine guile..

Bella misconstrues so much - so much so that the erm not so innocent of us will be laughing. Bella doesn't notice much of the evidence of just how bad Edward wants her. . . . That for me is where the real hilarity is. I'm not laughing at Bella per se. But enjoying her misadventures in seduction. . . Alot! ;) I snort particularly hard at Edward's inventiveness with stationery & household items to hide his prominent granite protrusions. :D I also love how Halo accurately portrays him as a battling 17year old virgin, trying to be chaste whilst his hormones are still bubbling over going crazy about the shy and blushing vixen he is smitten in love with. Read this fic for laughs and giggles, when the serious AU portrayals and angst get too much. Remind yourself of how much a blushing, bumbling virgin and a perma-hard, granite, ever-ready-eddie, but desp trying to be a gent - both choc-a-block with hormones could really have together.

4 sexorcisms out of 5 for me....

10STSYHVVBF (longest acronym EVER) is not to be taken seriously. It's funny and stupid (well, not stupid. bah, you know what I mean) and light and campy and sticks it to emotasticness that is The Twilight Saga and quippy and full of pop culture references and downright silly at times. And even though I wouldn't completely classify it as "Crack!fic" per se, it was one of the 1st of it's kind. Way to go Halo!

I particularly love the scene in Newtons Sporting Good where Bella & Edward try out the Air Mattresses and yes, it's exactly what you're thinking it is.


I silently placed Bella on her back on the mattress and jumped right on top of her and started doing a sort of push up on the mattress..."hmm, this is pretty firm, but it doesn't feel durable enough. Let me see how much resistance it can take." I started doing faster pushups as Bella's eyes went into shock. I winked back at her. "Bella, love, is this hard enough for you?" She reflexively looked down at my groin area and let out a slight smile. "The mattress love, is the mattress hard and firm enough for your liking?" She just shrugged while her eyes started to narrow like she was concentrating as I continued my push up shock endurance test.

...

Her eyes looked so sexy almost shut as her lips opened wider and she let out a small gasp with each push up. I seemed to be enjoying it much more than I should too I have to admit. Before I knew it, my breathing was getting heavier and my voice was getting husky as I tried to ask Bella another question, "Is this good enough...for you...Bella...uh, the mattress I mean..."

Bella screamed, "Yes, it's good!"

"Say my name Bella...is it good?"

"Edward, it's so good!"-Bella's eyes were closed and her legs somehow got tangled around my waist. I don't remember how even-


These kooky kids get up to some crazy hi-jinks; A Breast Exam where Edward is the Doctor (what he went to Medical school...twice), a stripper pole in the guise of "exercise", Aqua-Net helmet hair that ends up saving the day, Tigger pajamas that send Edward around the bend, areolas, a sex swing and kiddie pool full of KY warming liquid, Edward channeling his inner Kid Rock, strategic use of notebooks and pillows to hide Edwards stripper pole, sexting, Cherry Pie, and last but not least a "Sexorcism" performed by Carlisle.

Like I said before, it's good lighthearted fun in a world of emoangst. At times it can be ridiculous, but that's the point. It's supposed to be. If you're looking for something different and irreverent look no further.

4 out 5 Sexorcisms from Moi!

With all the angsty, intense fics out there some times you just need a freaking break. A good laugh can help you relax and even get you in the mood.

10 Steps To Seducing Your Hot Virgin Vampire BF brings the funny in a way that only HaloJones can. From the start of the first chapter you know that you are in a hyper realized version of the Twilight saga; where every seed of comedy that was laid by the series is nurtured into a ridiculous foliation. Seriously, this fic borders crack fic with the outrageous extremes it goes to (everything from bad 80’s hair metal soundtracks for masturbation to the Jonas Brothers).

While you might be thrown off by this, buckle up and check your inner sense of WTF at the door, my little ones. This isn’t about GREAT EPIC romance and drama. This story is about having some fucking fun and getting these two awkward virgins LAID! There is NOTHING wrong with that.

I think it’s important to remember that this is an “Old Skool” fic, and when the series was at its height, the entire fandom was in full blown heart fail mode. Lighthearted fare like this was probably a welcome relief, and right now, I’m staring down the barrel of Eclipse the movie (where I will get to see the enviable breaking of Jacob’s heart played out in graphic detail on the big screen) I could use some laughs. HaloJones gives us that much needed laughter in spades.

I love her insanely maniacal Alice and her unrepentant Rosalie. The “Plan” is frighteningly simple and brilliant. Edward’s internal monologue is hilarious and kind of hot. Then again, I love the idea of Edward secretly being a freaky sexual beast. *Jeanne’s eyes glaze over*

I’m sorry, what were we talking about? Oh yeah. 10 Steps isn’t going to radically change your world, but maybe it will make you feel better about it.

So, if your regular fic updates are destroying your soul and you need a good long laugh, as well as some titillation check out 10 Steps To Seducing Your Hot Virgin Vampire BF. I’ll put on the ‘Big Hair 80’s Sex Power Hits’ to set the mood for you. ;)

3 out of 5

This story was completely written before I ever even read the Twilight series. In fact, I'm not sure I had even heard of Twilight when Halojones started this fic. Back when I discovered the hidden secret of FF, I remember my utter fascination and pleasant shock with finding stories that actually filled in the spots that SM conveniently faded to black. At that time, I was a strictly-canon, all-vamp kinda girl--it was enough for me to simply wrap my head around reading about Edward and Bella having actual sex. "10 Steps to Seducing Your Hot Virgin Vampire BF" was one of the first FF stories I read. It made me giggle then, and still makes me giggle 18 months later.

One of the things I appreciate most about this story is that it illustrates Edward as a true 17YO male--one who fantasizes about having dirty, dirty sex with Bella. I mean, seriously, it doesn't matter what century Edward was born in, his body is forever 17, and it is going to experience frequent arousal. There's simply no two ways about that. Halojones has plenty of cojones, and hit the nail right on the head.

Come to think of it, Jasper is far older than Edward, but he never seems to have problems with his sexuality--what is it about Edward that makes him so much of a prude? Oh, yeah--Edward's strict adherence to the "no sex before marriage rule." Jasper has none of those constraints, which is why Edward is the one walking around with a LARGE binder in front of his crotch, to cover up his constantly tenting peen.

I think it is common knowledge that Mike Newton is not one of my favorite characters, and Halojones' version doesn't endear him to me any more than did the original. In "10 Ways," Bella has a run in with Mike at the mall, and he sees her clad in only a baby doll negligee. The following Monday at school, Edward is treated to the equivalent of mental torture as Mike replays the scene in his head. In a show typical of Edward's possessiveness, Edward takes Bella to Newton's Sporting Goods under the premise of "testing out" their camping mattresses:


I silently placed Bella on her back on the mattress and jumped right on top of her and started doing a sort of push up on the mattress..."hmm, this is pretty firm, but it doesn't feel durable enough. Let me see how much resistance it can take." I started doing faster pushups as Bella's eyes went into shock. I winked back at her. "Bella, love, is this hard enough for you?" She reflexively looked down at my groin area and let out a slight smile. "The mattress love, is the mattress hard and firm enough for your liking?"


I giggled, because that was a brilliant form of retribution if ever I saw one.

Suffice it to say, Halojones ends the story with the best rendition of "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC, and both Edward and Bella have a most wonderful Happy Ending.

3.5 out of 5 Sexorcisms

Way back in 08' there weren't many comedy fics out there. Of course, I latched onto them like white on rice. That being said, dear Halo has some of the funniest shit out there, ever.

It's one of the 'I'm tired of you telling me you don't want to hump me but I know that you really do want to hump me, so wtf is going on why won't you just hump me fics.' Except it's done with a twist. A huge load of comedic twists.

Alice of course, makes the perfect pervy ringmaster of the entire 'get Eddie to sex Bella up plan' orchestrating the seduction lessons. I wanted to try and remember everything I could without having to skim each chapter again. Let's see how I do.

'stripper lessons', ooops no I'm sorry ballet-etes lessons (lulz), 80's grinding beats, dirty texting about cherry pies, wackoff music, Eddie having to hide his epic vampy boners with his school binder (I don't know why this mental picture cracks me up every time), Dirty Eddie, KYJelly by the vat, pervy Mr. Banner, the air mattress demo at Newton's, Tanya thinking she's a MILF, I believe there is a Dr. Facinelli in there somewhere. LULZ, Eddie as a gyno, virtue pledges, best use of Victoria, Jane and Jake (sorry Jeanne), lucite heels, aerosol fueled vampy bonfire.

Probably the most ridiculously funny part (at least to me) is the ending. The prom and subsequent sexing chapters. JFC, Bella sailing around a pole kicking and taking out vamps. Not sure why that makes me laugh but whatever.

Besides that though, prom night sexing in the backseat of the volvo. Eddie's au natural (but he keeps the tie) and he teaches Bella about 'riding' horses, bwahahahaha, posting and trotting. AC/DC, ripping headrests and the horse whisperer.

This just cracks me up. I honestly think it's hilarious. Viva la Halo.

4/5

Looking for a bit of fluff and fun? Look no further.

I started reading 10 Steps To Seducing Your Hot Virgin Vampire BF at the tail end of an angstfest marathon of reading and it was just what I needed to counteract my emo funk. It is light-hearted, irreverent, and downright silly.

Tired of her insistent sexual advances being refused by Edward, Bella agrees to implement Alice's seduction plan to loosen Edward up. They go to great lengths to transform Bella into a red-hot temptress to play on Edward's sexual fantasies and overcome his conservative nature. Edward is so endearing that I almost feel bad for him once "The Plan" to seduce him is in motion. Almost, because the poor sweet boy could really stand to get laid.

Included in the viewpoints from the cast of characters, Halojones puts us inside Edward's head, who is torn between the virginal chastity of his human time, and his carnal urges to lay Bella over the hood of a TransAm and give her his Whitesnake. (What can I say? - He has a penchant for 80's hair bands.)

There are sentiments so completely adorable they gave me smiles and gigglefits. Edward feels plagued by his near-constant erection, and goes to great lengths to hide it from Bella using strategically-placed notebooks and household goods. Trying to ease his mind she compares her happiness about his perma-boner to the joy and satisfaction Edward feels when he makes her blush. This metaphor really works for Edward, helping to soften his insecurities.


"Silly Bella, you make me "blush" constantly." I grabbed her hips on both sides and began kissing her deeply. She responded eagerly for a minute but then pushed me away.
"Okay, loverboy, it's time for bed. I'm bushed." She jumped off my lap, got into my bed, and plopped under my covers with her back facing me. I slid right next to her to cuddle up next to her. She felt amazing.

"Do you mind I'm "blushing" into you right now, love?" I wanted to make sure she was really okay with the non-notebook version of Edward.

"I don't mind it all..." She giggled, and quickly fell asleep.


I do so love an "old skool" fic. It's apparent that this story inspired others of similar genre that came later, and I like seeing where the roots were put down. I had to put on my OOC helmet for this one, as most of the characters canon personality traits are greatly exaggerated for the sake of comedic exploration, but if you're in the mood to shake away a sad, it is well worth a read.

3 out of 5

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