Thursday, October 21, 2010

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy

The Naughty Nurse is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!


The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

Well, I don't know about you, dear readers, but I had so much fun with the last Naughty Nurse post! Some more great questions popped into the mailbox, along with some follow up items to take care of. Welcome to my Naughty Nurse Den of Iniquity!!

I would like to expand on the DP question. Is it wise? How stretched out will you get from either form of DP? And will you end up perpetually "loose" from then on? Will you suffer "porn girl disease" with an unattractive gaping maw?

If you have anal intercourse, are there to expect bowel movement problems or dirty fingers (preparation) or a soiled member, if you don't use condoms? Is licking the anus unhealthy?

Regarding DP: I was hoping you would also address whether it is or is not wise to venture in that area. Can one get TOO stretched out? Therefore losing previous tightness? How bad are the consequences to all forms of DP? Think hot dog in a vacuous tunnel.

OK, first things first here. With DP, or anal intercourse, or even vaginal intercourse, you need to remember one thing: The vagina, and the anus, are both made up of skin that is highly elastic. Vaginas need to stretch to accommodate an 8 lb. baby passing through. Likewise, the anus is responsible for dumping waste, and has to stretch to accommodate that waste. Once the poop is out the chute, it contracts back to normal. Once you have a baby, your vagina gradually shrinks back to its old shape, more or less. Not quite as tight as pre-pregnancy, but still in shape to have great sex for many years to come. In the anus, the sphincter muscle is extremely tight, and it doesn't suddenly lose its shape because you've been having anal sex. If it did, there would be a lot of people running around with fecal incontinence!

So, is DP wise? Really, that's up to you and your partner(s). You don't need to worry about hot dogs in vacuous tunnels, or porn girl disease. Remember the mantra from last week, the DP Trifecta: Lube, preparation, and protection, and you should be fine. Practice good hygiene whenever you are working around the anus. Wash your hands and use condoms or dental dams. If you're really worried about anal cleanliness, you can always use an anal douche, available at most sex shops or online. If you've just had anal sex, your partner should wash his peen before it goes near your vag. It's a little messy, but if you take a few precautions, you can have lots of fun and still be safe.

Naughty Nurse Kimpy's PSA on the medical aspect of Ass to Mouth or Ass to Vag: DO. NOT. DO. IT. PERIOD. The regular bacterial flora that exists within the colon belongs only one place--in your intestines. When you take something like E. coli and put it in a novel environment, like, say, the vagina, it's almost as if you just sent that little bacterium on an all-expenses paid vacation to the Bahamas. The vagina, like the colon, is a moist, dark, warm place. It's an excellent breeding ground for bacteria. An incubator, if you will. Let me say that you do not want to get an messy infection in your vagina from bacteria that typically live in the colon; it isn't a Bahamas vacation for you, should that happen. Likewise, Ass to Mouth can lead to some nasty infections, too. While your mouth is part of the gastrointestinal tract, it isn't used to your intestinal bacteria, either. A good friend of mine, who happens to be gay, has had three incredibly nasty GI tract infections in the last two years because he cannot abide by the rule that Ass to Mouth isn't a good idea. He never listens. *sigh*

How do I get an orgasm with masturbation by just fingers.

It's actually pretty straightforward. I'm going to assume you know where the clit is (hey--you'd be surprised at how many women DO NOT know!!). If not, Google it, and familiarize yourself with your lady bits' anatomy. All you really need is some good lubrication, some stimulation, and presto! You're jilling off!

A good lube to try is one with lasting power--we mentioned several in last week's post. A good choice is a long-lasting, water-based lube, such as Astroglide, Pjur, KY silk, or Sliquid H2O. Go ahead and lube up your clit, but also your labia/lips (the lower lips, that is...). Assume any position that is comfortable for you--on your back, on all fours, standing up... it's your choice. Try several different options to see what is the most comfortable. Maybe you want to read smut/porn on the computer; try sitting in a chair. Really, the sky is the limit here, and the most important thing is to go with what feels right for you.

As for the actual stimulation itself, again, go with what feels natural and exciting. Some women prefer to use all of their fingers, rubbing them over the clitoral area. Some use only one, like the index or middle finger. Some women prefer to slide a few fingers into their vagina while they stimulate their clit with the other hand. You can also pinch the clit between your index finger and thumb if you want a little more intensity. I have a friend who uses a nipple clamp to twist on her nipple with one hand while stimulating her clit with the other hand. The bottom line is that there is genuinely no incorrect way to do this, unless of course you miss the clit altogether!

To ensure you get the "O" you seek, you simply need to keep stimulating your clit long enough to induce an orgasm. Once again, each woman's reaction to clitoral stimulation can be incredibly varied. Some come easily, others take a while. If you feel like it is taking you too long, consider adding things to the mix. As I mentioned before, you can read erotica while stimulating your clitoris, or look at erotic pictures or videos. In general, the more turned on you are when you start clitoral stimulation, the more quickly you will come.

For more information, there is a great website that deals specifically with masturbation and techniques (male and female, and VERY NSFW). Check it out: Advanced

Happy masturbating!! It's a great stress reliever, and as Woody Allen once said, "Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love!"

What's the word on douching? My mother swears by it, but most others in my age bracket (23-28) say it's no longer done. What's the reason behind douching, and is it really that important?

I'm SO glad you asked that question! The bottom line, and I cannot emphasize this enough, DO. NOT. DOUCHE. Vaginas maintain a very controlled pH balance all on their own, which keeps them healthy and happy. Douching completely disrupt this natural balance, paving the way for things like yeast and bacterial infections, or worse, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. Seriously, if you want to mess with a pussy's mojo, douching is a great way to accomplish this.

Another really interesting and special thing vaginas do is vary their pH balance throughout your monthly cycle. For instance, when you are ready to have your period, your vagina's pH is at its most acidic. Hormone levels are responsible for the changes in pH. When you ovulate, your pH levels are actually designed to assist the sperm to get where they need to go. Thus, when you douche, you are really messing things up for your poor little cooter. Nature has its own best way to keep your vag in tip top shape.

Historically, advertisers convinced women that vaginas were messy, smelly things, and that if only we would douche, the mess and the smell could be eliminated. WRONG. If you bathe regularly and use good hygiene, your vagina can manage things just fine. Once upon a time, common wisdom held that vaginas were dirty, especially following your period. Giving yourself a douche after your period ended was a way to "sanitize" your lady bits. Again, the only thing that douching post-period does is upsets the vagina's natural pH balance, leaving you open to infection. It's just not a good idea, no matter how ingrained the idea may be in your mother's generation's heads.

Lastly, I hate that this needs to be said, but it does, because urban legends run strong and deep. Douching after sex, with either a regular vinegar/water mix or with Coca-Cola, DOES NOT PREVENT PREGNANCY. There is nothing, NOTHING, about douching that makes sex safer. There is only one hole where Coca-Cola belongs, and that is in your MOUTH. Any questions?

Here are a couple of follow up comments from last week's readers.
Wonderful to see that you are providing this information [on Pap smear recommendations] but please ladies if you are sexually active you need to have a pap smear. Waiting until you're 21 could lead to disaster. Many countries outside the US follow this recommendation. Look after your body afterall it's the only one you have.

If you are breastfeeding with nipple piercings, be sure that you take the barbells out first, because the ball could loosen and choke your baby while they nurse.

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