Thursday, December 2, 2010

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy


The Naughty Nurse is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!


The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

The last post generated quite a lot of heat--all positive, mind you--regarding the 20 Year-Old virgin who wants very much to remain virginal until the right guy arrives. I just have to say that I was so taken aback by all the kind, positive support you gave to this woman! Clearly, I have the best readers in the world. Thank you for your support and encouragement for her.
While I'm all for waiting to have sex until it is right for you, there is something I wanted to clarify. Ladies, it is so important to have sex on your own terms. That means having sex when you are ready, and choosing who your partners are going to be (assuming that they agree to be your partner, of course). It doesn't matter if your partner is male, female, gay, straight, black, white, multiples, whatever--as long as you're having safe sex that is consensual, anything goes as far as I'm concerned. Whether you choose to be a virgin or choose to have as many partners as you wish, it is no one else's business. I would really love to see the word "slut" be erased from the dictionary, because it serves no useful purpose. Someone else's choices and behavior might not be right for you, but that doesn't make it wrong.

The bottom line is that, as humans, we are sexual creatures; it is part of our genetic programming. However, it is so important that you control your own sexuality. Make the right decisions for yourself, regardless of what your friends, families, or culture might tell you. Be safe. Be happy. And gosh darnit, just enjoy whatever sex it is that you're having, even if it is delivered via your BPB (Battery-Powered Boyfriend). *rant over*

Is it okay to have sex when you're on your period?

Despite what your partner and/or others may feel, it is perfectly safe and natural to have sex during your period. There is nothing inherently harmful about it; it's just messy. I'm also going to let you in on a little secret that no one seems to be shouting out loud: Sex right before (during the PMS days) and during your cycle is a natural way to help reduce your PMS symptoms. The act of orgasm releases endorphins, which not only help to boost your mood, but also can decrease cramping and swelling. In fact, because you have more swelling in that area right before and during your period, it can even be easier for you to become sexually aroused.

If you do decide to give period sex a try (and by that, I don't mean that you're wearing a corset and your partner is wearing breeches--not that kind of period sex!), just be prepared for the mess. Put a towel or two underneath you to catch the blood that might spill. Or, better yet, use your period as a time to have shower or tub sex! The mess is instantly dealt with in those scenarios. Creativity along with sex is never a bad thing, know what I mean??

A few words of caution if you decide to give it a go:

1. Even though you may be menstruating, it is still technically possible for you to get pregnant. Women's bodies work in strange and mysterious ways sometimes, and it is within the realm of possibility for you to ovulate during your period. Please, USE PROTECTION!! Anyone who tells you differently is selling you a line of hooey.

2. Remember that STDs can be spread via contact with blood. If you have an STD, be sure your partner uses a condom or dental dam every time you have sex, not just during your period. You might want to forego having sex during your period to minimize their risk and exposure.

3. You might want to choose to have sex on a day when your flow is a little lighter, to minimize the mess.

If your partner is still completely squicked out over the idea of period sex, I encourage you to make any sexual contact you have during that time mutually beneficial. For some reason, there are some guys (and ladies, too) who feel as though you owe them sexual pleasure even though you are "unable" to have sex--like a nice little BJ or hand job--a completely one-way street. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but I firmly believe that ladies shouldn't have to miss out on the Big O just because Aunt Flo is visiting. Times like those are made for mutual masturbation or other forms of sex that you can BOTH enjoy.

Dear Nurse Kimpy, I'm 18 and I just bought my first sex toy. I'm not sexually active but of course I have a sex drive. Anyway my niece (12) went in my room and found my lube in my closet and she remarked that her boyfriend and her used this their first time. How do I confront her about sexual safety and teen pregnancy ect. without sounding like an adult she is going to write off?

I love *all* the questions I get, but this one has me rubbing my hands together and rolling up my sleeves! I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for adolescents to have non-parental adults in their lives who can act as a guide about stuff like this, especially because they are more likely to listen to what you say, and because you can give them good, accurate, information that will help to keep them safer than what they're hearing from their friends.

The fact that your niece is comfortable enough around you to mention using the same brand of lube with her boyfriend is HUGE. She's already opened up a communication pathway by broaching the subject. She clearly trusts you with intimate information about her life, so I wouldn't assume that she will write you off when you talk about this with her. The important thing to remember here, though, is that you really do need to talk about it with her, to make sure that she is safe and careful.

Now, when I say the word "safe," I'm not saying you need to pull a Renee in the movie Twilight: "Let's talk boys! Are you being safe?" I also don't mean to pull a Charlie in Eclipse with the awkward "using protection" conversation in their kitchen. So now that you know what not to do, here is how you should really handle things:

1. Find a good time to bring it up. It should just be the two of you, if possible, to minimize potential for embarrassment, but also so that there are no unpleasant interruptions. Maybe invite her over for pizza? A movie? Since you're 18, I'm not sure what you have available, but do your best.

2. Be matter of fact. Don't use formal words--they make you sound awkward and stiff--or dumb things down. Treat her like a peer, even if she is younger than you. She will appreciate it that you accept her as she is, not trying to treat her like a little kid. Something like this would probably work well: "So, you know last time you were here, you mentioned that you and your boyfriend use the same kind of lube that I do. Obviously, you've started having sex. I know it isn't always easy to get your hands on condoms or birth control, so I just want to make sure that isn't an issue for you guys. I want you to know that if you need help, you can always come to me. I promise not to judge you, I just want to make sure that you're okay. I'd hate for you to have a pregnancy scare or get an STD because you couldn't get what you needed. And please understand that anything said between, us stays between us."

3. I have a little trick I used when I did the same thing with my nephews. I bought a package of condoms, and put it in a special place that only I and they knew about. I told them they could think of it as their stash--to use as needed. I always made sure that the stash was stocked when they came over to my house. If you are unable to do that, I would volunteer to drive her to the store, or even to Planned Parenthood, so that she can get what she needs. Some women refuse to carry condoms or birth control because they will be seen as a "slut." If she raises that alarm, tell her in no uncertain terms that being safe isn't slutty, it's smart. If she is old enough to be having sex, she is old enough to be safe and responsible about it. Emphasize that you love her and care about her, and that you are only interested in her being happy and safe.

4. You mentioned that you are a virgin, and you are six years older than she is. Please, don't let that make you nervous about offering your niece counsel or advice. Your sexual status makes no difference here--the only thing that matters is that she is safe. Keep that in mind as you talk with her.

Thank you so much for asking this question, and for caring so much about your niece that you want to help. She's very lucky to have an Auntie as awesome as you!

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miss tejota said...

I adore this section. Thanks for all the advice.

fayted17 said...

That last one is really tricky ethically. I think I would be asking a lot more questions, like how old is her boyfriend, to make sure that this isn't a case of a 12 year old child being exploited by a predator. Not many young teenage boys would think to use lube for first time sex.

kimpy0464 said...

Dear Fayted, I agree with you about the question being ethically tricky, but as a nurse, what is paramount is that the niece is being safe, no matter what. Because the niece talked so openly about having sex with her aunt, I made an assumption that her aunt knew her niece's situation. Had there been any alarms, I'm pretty sure the reader would have had a question or two about that issue as well. Since it wasn't part of her question, I essentially addressed the question based on the details she gave me.

While it may be disconcerting to some readers that a 12 YO is already having sex, the fact of the matter is that it is no longer highly unusual for sexual activity to be initiated around that age. It may seem alarming that a teenage boy knew enough to use lube, but we have no idea if it was the first time he had sex. I appreciate the point you raise and thank you for your comment.