Thursday, August 9, 2012

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy 8/9/2012

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses readers’ most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STIs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!

The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

Naughty Nurse Kimpy has been very busy with her nursie responsibilities at work. She’s back this week to answer your burning questions. Oh, and btw, if it burns? It’s usually a UTI. *giggles*

Nurse Kimpy got some wonderful feedback from a reader adding his/her opinion/experience to the mix, and she thinks it will be particularly valuable for anyone who is in a relationship with, or is themselves, bisexual:

Hi Naughty Nurse Kimpy! Actually, this is ''Hi to the reader posted on her relationship with a bisexual man.'' Nurse Kimpy gave you lots of good advice.

But I think there is a point that needs to be stressed; there is a difference between sexual orientation and polyamorous relationships. One is not equal to the other. In other words, just because you are bisexual does not mean you HAVE to have same-sex relationships. It just means part of you will always crave it on some level, no matter how amazing your partner.

Denying you are attracted to same-sex is not good for a healthy relationship. BUT I don't think it is any different from being straight and drooling over that new male intern at work. There is absolutely NO obligation to act on these urges. In fact, some people choose to be celibate and never act on sexual urges, no matter if the object is the same or opposite sex as them!

Whether you want an open relationship is up to you. But I strongly feel that it is important to differentiate between attraction and actual action. You shouldn't be made to feel inadequate because you have no penis. Attraction to someone is not dependant solely on their equipment. I think you should beware of manipulation and being guilt-tripped into an open realtionship that makes you uncomfortable. There is nothing wrong with you! HE CHOSE YOU! And if he occasionally craves man on man, that's what porn and fantasizing is for.

Sorry for the long post. I feel very strongly about this. Because I'm bisexual. AND I believe in faithfulness. I was almost strictly with women for over five years. Then I met the man I chose to make my life with, and we have been together ten years. I have never cheated on him with a woman... or a man. The woman-lust, it comes and goes. It is a part of me. And that is fine. I am content to let it lie in order to respect my belief in monogamy. And BTW, when I had a girlfriend, I didn't cheat either, with a man or a woman. Contrary to prejudice, bisexual does NOT necessarily mean slut!

I hope you find happiness, love and balance!

Thank you so much for sharing your opinions and experiences. One of the things that makes Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy a special place is the fact that readers are so willing to share information that will help others. It takes a village to reinforce healthy sexuality!

Hi NNK, first I want to say thank you of how helpful you are. I'm so glad I found a place where all types of questions are answered. I asked a question a while ago & your answer truly helped a lot, now here is another one. I started having sex with my boyfriend, he's the first person I have ever had a sexual relationship with. I guess you can say its a learning curve since I don't really know what I like yet, he's all about trying something new to see if I like it or not. Recently, while being a little rough (which I like) he put his hands around my neck, not choking me or anything like that but I didn't feel comfortable with him doing that. After he went on & on about how great it was. How do you go about saying that you hated what he did?

First and foremost, Nurse Kimpy is just thrilled to bits that she has been able to give you information that has been helpful as you and your partner embark on this process of sexual discovery. It’s what she lives for. That being said, she wants to call your attention to her other mission in life: to ensure that all forms of sex are safe, consensual, and fun.

While Nurse Kimpy applauds you and your partner for taking time to try everything to find out what your likes and dislikes are, the most important part of your experimentation is to pay attention to what each of you prefers or does not prefer. In the situation you describe above, you and your partner don’t see eye-to-eye about something you’ve tried. Clearly, the hands around your neck are neither consensual nor fun. Under the right circumstances, it could even become unsafe. That right there is a three-strikes-and-you’re-out situation. The bottom line when it comes to sex is that if one person isn’t comfortable with the sexual act being performed, it overrules the person who enjoys doing it. No ifs, ands, or buts. This is no means no time.

Now that we’ve established that your dislike of the non-choking chokehold takes precedent over his fondness of it, there’s that tricky matter of communication. Of course it’s going to be hard to say you felt really uncomfortable with what happened when your partner is raving about how awesome it was. It’s a real dilemma--no matter what you do, someone is going to end up disappointed, and perhaps even defensive. One way to avoid the defensiveness is to try to frame the conversation in a more objective way, to keep feelings out of the conversation. Nurse Kimpy recommends that you and your partner create a likes/dislikes checklist, similar to the one used by Edward and Bella in The Submissive and The Dominant. I’m not suggesting that you need to move into hardcore BDSM, trust. It’s more a way for you to keep track of all the different things you’re trying, and then to record a range of how you feel about it:

Like A Lot


Won’t Object

Soft Limit

Hard Limit

On your checklist, for example, you can write in “chokehold” and mark it as a hard limit, while “being rough” could be like a lot. That means no matter what, your partner will not attempt something you’ve marked as a hard limit in the future. The whole idea behind a checklist is to learn where your sexual boundaries are--no one’s boundaries will be exactly the same. Using this type of system is a great way to communicate things easily and objectively. If your partner wants to ask you for clarification on why something is a hard limit or is likes a lot, you need to be prepared to tell him, calmly, the reasons behind your responses.

You might even want to establish codewords for your sexual play--like green for “Gah, yes, moremoremoreplease,” yellow for “slow it down, I’m not digging this so much,” and red meaning “STOP. NOW.” Again, these aren’t words that are laden with meaning and conflict, they’re very objective ways to allow the two of you to develop a sexual activities repertoire that is fulfilling to both of you.

Nurse Kimpy wishes you the best of luck on your journey of discovery, and hopes this will help you in the future. She’s really proud of you for being thoughtful about this process and for recognizing that you have limits that you don’t want to have breached.

Do you have a question for Naughty Nurse Kimpy? Click the banner below, fill out the form, and get your answer in the next installment of Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy.