Team Angst My Mate 6.19.12

Team Angst is a constantly changing teams, depending on who can handle the angst levels of the Team Angst pick. Only the bravest (or craziest) Pervs tackle the tears and pain to bring you the best angst and heartfail that fan fic has to offer. Non-canon pairings? No problem. Cheating and Break-ups? No sweat. Character death? Bring it! It’s all in a days work for Team Angst. So if you think you’re tough enough put on your big girl pants, take a seat and join us for the Team Angst Pick.

---

The Team Angst Pick is...
Title: My Mate
Author: PrincessRachael
Chapters: 32
Words: 108,031
Reviews: 2692
Summary:Two reluctant vampires find themselves mated, each requiring the other’s blood to survive. She will fight it. He will fight for her. AU, E/B

---

Corie
Vamp fic just seriously gets me going. This has to be one of the best ones I have read thus far. I mean there is intense connection between Bella and Edward, blood exchanging, and some of the most guttural sexual scenes I’ve read in fic.

I love the change of vampire lore that PrincessRachael implements. Also the twist on canon really had me intrigued, I loved how Bella was the vampire invested in the Cullen family and how that changed so much of the dynamic. Edward being 300 years old really made for an interesting layer to his character and also the fact he is still unapologetically feeding from humans really got my attention. The author really sticks to her characters and makes no excuses for them and I ADORE that. The intensity between them in the mating is what makes this story.

Edward caught up her hands in his, bringing them to his chest. "Can you feel it? That pull? My God! It's so strong. It's like nothing I've ever... " He released her hands and brought his own up to cradle her face. "I can feel the pull within you. It beats at me." 

At his touch, the pounding grew stronger. The rush of Bella's insides screamed and begged for him. Her blood felt as though it would escape out from beneath her skin. Everything in her wanted to consume him, to crawl within his body forever. And suddenly the rush and flow of his blood was loud and so incredibly appealing. She licked her lips, the push to taste him overriding any other thought. 

"Now," she choked out. "Please, now. I need this." 

Edward pulled her to him and brought them both to the ground, keeping her in his lap. "I know, beautiful girl. Me too." His hands made quick work with the buttons on his shirt. Opening the two sides, he quickly discarded it behind him. 

When he looked back at Bella she appeared to be in pain. Her eyes darted to his face, his bare chest and back to the ground. "I can't. I can't. Too much… it's too much." 

"You must," Edward whispered gently in her ear. "I can feel it pounding inside you. It will continue tearing you up until you do this." He did not mention his own internal monster and the roaring demands it was making to take its mate. 

Bella looked into the eyes of this male, seeing the understanding there, the shared pain. This was something completely beyond either of them, of both their shared strengths. He seemed just as surprised and affected by this as she was. And her body was burning, almost crushing her with its need to drink from him. 

Resigned, she leaned her forehead against his chest, just slightly above where his heart would have been. She thought of the last phrase from the book she had been reading before Carlisle had summoned them all together. How fitting it seemed now.

"The awful daring of a moment's surrender," she whispered and then she sank her teeth into Edward's skin. 

The rich blood mixed with his venom flowed into her. The moment it touched her veins she felt it seep into her bones, her dead flesh. It mixed and bonded with her tissues, modifying her genetic structure to match his. Her entire internal framework was instantly merged and reformulated so that her body would now only recognize and accept his. 

The whole process, combined with his encompassing scent and taste made her both weak and strong at the same time. She felt herself relax and melt against him. It was the purest form of bliss Bella had ever experienced and she recognized, deep down inside her, that she would never be the same again. She would always crave this. She drank and drank, never wanting this intense feeling to cease. 

"Perfect, so perfect," Edward breathed into her hair.

The blood exchange scenes are almost as intense as the sex, it really helps the readers establish that feral connection to the characters. I read this story as a WIP and I have to say it was on my short list of drop everything to read as soon as it updated. There is so much in this story love, friendship, blood, sex and family it is all crafted into a fantastic tale. Really it stands out and now that it’s complete I would say it’s the perfect time to have a taste."I have to keep telling myself to go slow," he confessed as his hands smoothed her skin. "I wanted to rip those off, but you looked so beautiful standing there in the driveway. I can't bear the thought of never seeing you like that again."

"You… you thought I looked beautiful?" she asked, suddenly shy at being so open and bare before him. 

His hands ran up and down her bare legs, his fingers spread wide between her thighs. "I always think you're beautiful, Bella." He leaned down and kissed her navel, licking his way down. "Always." 

Edward gently pushed her legs further apart, bending at the knees. He stared reverently at her pink folds, slightly tinged with moisture. His fingers curved up her calf muscles, over her hips and delved into her heat. Bella cried out and arched her body. 

He placed a chaste kiss to her clit. "I thought about this so much while I was gone. I couldn't wait to get back to you." His tongue licked her folds from top to bottom. She felt his hot breath against the wetness spreading along her skin. He groaned loudly, the sound muffled with his head buried in her flesh. "The way you taste... oh, fuck!" 

He surrendered his mouth and lost himself in Bella. He nibbled and suckled and savored, all the while keeping her thighs splayed open and steady during his exploration. At one point his animalistic tendencies seemed to take over as he leaned back on his knees, lifting Bella's hips higher to his face and fucked her with his tongue, fingering her clit with his hand. Bella's head was thrown back into the soft ground and she moaned loudly, trying to keep her fingers clenched in something solid, as her body swayed against his mouth.
"Oh… oh, Edward," she cried. "Yes… yes… I'm coming." 

"Bella… Bella," he growled as his tongue licked the moisture that was spreading quickly along his chin and down her hips. He slowly lowered her back to the ground and kissed his way up her body, stopping only to lavish his tongue on the undersides of one of her breasts. Then he met her mouth and kissed her deeply. 

"God, your taste… " He was lost for words, his face still wet. "I need that, Bella. I can't even describe it." He kissed her for a while before continuing. "It's as precious to me as your blood."

Nico

One of the things that gets me so excited to read a story is when an author can find a unique and different twist on something that I already love. PrincessRachael did just that. If you didn’t already know I love me some vamp fic, and she went and put on such a great twist that she had me hanging off the seat of my chair wanting more from the very beginning. The vampires she has created in her world “mate” in a very unique and different way. Blood exchange, intense feelings, and so much more come along for the ride. Edward is strong, independant, and not so believing in all the matting laws and beliefs. Bella, who started off with a rocky start is timid and overwhelmed by the whole process. I love how they push through it all to come together.

The Cullens are ever present as are the Volturi. Not always in the way you would think which adds more mystery and excitement to the tale. There is a rich back story for our characters that brings you in and has you even more invested in these two then you think you could be.

Oh and lets not forget about the utter panty dropping sexyness of Edward. He’s bold, strong, opinionated, not afraid to state his feelings, or what he wants and he’s been around for quite a long time to hone his skills. And did I forget to mention he has a mouth on him that you just want all for yourself.
This story pulls it all together in the end and gives a little something for everyone, so jump in you will definitely enjoy the ride. :)



Violhaine- Just when you think there isn't anything new that can come out of the fandom someone takes up the challenge and gives us a refreshing twist on canon and some hardcore smut that literally leaves you breathless. "My Mate" is that story.

Princess Rachael gives us real vampires. True predators. Edward Cullen for all his urbane sophistication is a dangerous killer. In this world when vampires find their mates they undergo a chemical transformation that makes it impossible for them to be mated to anyone else. I was impressed with this twist as it dovetailed beautifully with the idea that vampires mate for life and are unchangeable once they themselves have been transformed into immortals. Edward has lived for hundreds of years in denial of this fact about his species until he meets Bella. Lightening strikes and he's found his mate.
Bella is new vampire that was brutally changed by another vampire. I won't give away any details but suffice to say she was traumatized by the experience just like a rape victim. She meets Edward and the attraction is instantaneous but she is frightened. She doesn't understand what is happening and tries to run away but the chemical process has begun and to deny him is to sentence them both to agony and the true death. I loved this part. Mate or die. Brilliant. Succinct.

Bella finally gives in and once she does? OMG the smut factor increases exponentially. In our Princess's world our vampires need to drink each other's blood. It reinforces the bond even as it nourishes them physically and spiritually. The other factor is sex...and lots of it. They can't keep their hands off each other. It is raw. It is brutal. It is fucking. So much and so HOT! Especially Edward. There is no holding back. Canon Edward is kicked to the curb as this version takes over and treats a very willing Bella to sex drenched days and nights. He is a powerful beast who revels in his sensuality. He all but tears her apart, in the best way possible, with the force of his overwhelming lust. She craves it and often goads him to new heights. Our Princess knows her way around a lemon and your ass will be panting at the end.

I love down and dirty sex. Love to read about it too. However I need a good story for it to move me. When Edward drinks Bella's blood as he's fucking her? You will feel the heat and more because our author weaves a tale of love, lust, near madness and need. What it means to love...taken to an extreme. You will love this story. Trust.



sosueme-There are so many things about this fic that appeal to me from the get go. First off, it has science, politics and morality mixed in with a believable, inspiring, but not too easy, love story. The plot is compelling with just enough well placed clues along the way. The secondary characters are vital to the development of the story and the bad guys are nice and juicy - I mean bad. Really bad at times. Despicable even. The first few tantalizing chapters introduce Edward, Bella, the Cullen family, and the Volturi characters - along with a bit of politics, and the vampire science of bonded mating. I love a little fancy imagination mixed in with my vamps and plausible science explanations makes a story that much more alive for me.

Edward is a 300 year old, sexy yet cocky, vampire who occasionally does a little work for the Volturi. He respects them, but he doesn't necessarily trust them. Edward is rough and tough, and happily unmated. He more than enjoys playing the field and being independent. Tanya, in particular, is always a good time. Sired by Marcus, Edward's a bit of a Volturi favorite, but he is unique among them - he harbors an appreciation for human life. With his ability to read minds, he has spent 100 years perfecting a dietary method whereby he can feed on humans, just enough to satisfy his thirst but leave them alive and clueless. He feels compassion for humans, he sees their potential for change and success and feels that they deserve his optimism. Did I mention he also digs snowboarding?

Bella is a 20 year old vampire who was thrust violently into this world. She remembers much of her human life, more than most others (which may have something to do with her shield capabilities), and still clings to her humanity. After 20 years, she is still skittish, does not deal well with change, and is leery of male vamps, but has found a loving place in the Cullen family of vegetarians. Though she respects that the others are mated, she does not wish to be mated, she wants her old life back.
We see a more personal side to the Volturi's ruling three in this story. They talk, argue, scheme, and seem to care for Edward. Involved in murder, smuggling, killing, and threats, they use Edward for financial transactions, for his persuasive and mind reading abilities, and are interested in his dietary research. Aro asks Edward to visit Carlisle's coven to verify their loyalty.

When Edward meets Bella, sparks fly. The mating process 'activates' with Edward mesmerized and dazed. Bella, who is confused and fearful of Edward, takes off running. Her family is fiercely protective until alice explains that the mating process, a revered and sacred event among vampires, has begun. Edward catches Bella, and the desperation is palpable, but so is the fear on Bella's part. The whole scene is wild and chaotic and really sets the stage for the feel of this fic. It's one of my favorite scenes.

I'm fascinated by the science of Vampirism in this fic. The Mating process is explained and believable.
The code within the male reaches out to the right person. It's never wrong. His blood mixes and bonds with her tissues, modifying her genetic structure to match his. Her entire internal framework is instantly merged and reformulated so that her body will now only recognize and accept his.

So yeah, they share blood. At first thought, this could be pretty yuck, but just the way it is written erases any ick factor and makes it feel so loving and tender. It's instinctive, owing to the mating bond. It symbolizes how their love feeds one another, literally, they can't live without one another. And as they gradually get to know one another, adding in the loving, it all becomes quite intense. Quite beautiful. The bond also provides them with knowledge of sensations the other is feeling; hunger, sexual tension, emotions, whereabouts. The whole process makes them both weak and strong.

However, the mating process is forced upon them. So...what about individual choice? The premise is that the process of mating can not fail, but really? I mean what if it's just a close match? They still argue, each have free will, could hurt the other intentionally, could choose to love or hate, or walk away. It's such a fine balance, and the author does a great job of straddling it, proving that Edward and Bella are more than compatible, that they find love. Whether it's due to the bond or just straight up personality, they each show a deep need to put the other first. He makes her laugh and she fascinates him with her mind and compassion. And the lemons...mmm, yeah. Delicious lemons. With the promise of the bond and the sharing of the blood intensifying everything, it makes even a chaste kiss seem charged.
But, of course there is Bella's past, which she is worried Edward would never want her if he discovered what had been done to her, how her vampire life had been tainted from the beginning. There is wretched James, and the questionable Volturi, lurking in the shadows, ready to create havoc and conflict. There is always conflict, right? But the author does a good job of not dragging out the angst. The plot flows from one chapter to the next with anticipation and hope.

I love the language in this fic so much. While not fanciful or superfluous, it is straightforward, witty at times, and infused with an old time tone matching edward's age and bella's sorrows. The feeling is empathetic, desperate, loving. Oh, so loving! There is a good variety of quoted poetry lines through out, showing Edward and Bella's common interests and growing feelings. I found myself looking forward to more of those quotes, even looking up their sources. Location details are at times quite specific, even Volterra is plotted in this fic. It is cannon-esqe but much more AU...a perfect combination to me. I love this author's work immensely and hope that she continues writing such worthy stories.



CentauRita- This is for you, my Princess.

I was hooked from the first chappie of, My Mate. I am always looking for a story that highlights the Mating Bond. The pulling, the electricity, the intermeshing of souls. I even went back to look at my review of the first chappie:

CentauRita 4/10/12 . chapter 1 ~~winks~~ Already feeling the pull ;}

So, that was HUGE. So I continued to read. The more I read, the more I found we shared common likes. I am always in awe when an author takes their precious time to reply to my humble reviews. Such as learning our shared love of certain book titles, sports, movies, certain international abodes and singing artist:

CentauRita 4/12/12 . chapter 11 Okay, so after reading that chappie...waggling my eyebrows...I 'came' up with a title to a new book... 'Dry Humping for the Soul: is better than Chicken Soup!' 

CentauRita 4/12/12 . chapter 15 With Bella's bases...'loaded' with Edward's essence, that chappie was a 'home'run ;} 

CentauRita 4/12/12 . chapter 18 I loved Rutger Hauer, Michelle Pfeiffer, Michael Broadrick a 1985 classic. I especially had an affinity for the gorgeous Friesian stallion Goliath(Othello). Stallions, Hawks, Wolves and Captain Navarre...Oh My!
~~giggles~~
I think I'd like to rename chapter 18 as...'A bit 'Handseys' across the 'Globe'...Molta Bella!**I think that Edward would agree ;P ** 

CentauRita 4/24/12 . chapter 21 Cute. '...Unfortunately, the artery she had bitten was still open and blood sprayed out over Bella and the nearby bushes...' Bella messed up...and had a 'blood bath'...then Edward saying... "It's an excellent excuse for me to clean you up in the 'shower'." Oh, and a needy Edward...sigh Bella recognizing her mates need...then, giving him what he is needy for...double sigh 'It' all 'taly'ies in with their Italy Love Shack! (B52's, move over or move out!!!) 

CentauRita 4/26/12 . chapter 22 Bad Company's...I Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, keeps running through my mind. A ONE track...mind! (Just like mates in My Mate, Edward and his Bella) MaaawwHaHaHa!**Just like the instructions on a bottle of shampoo...Wash and Repeat...and Repeat...and Repeat~~smirks~~ I guess you get (or have) the idea ;P Might I recommend Herbal Essences as it is purported to give an orgasmic experience! Just like your story...My Mate...does!

OH, my Princess...I always looked forward to your updates and kind words. Thank you for weaving such a masterful tale.**Although, I personally ~~cough-cough~~enjoyed all the others kinds of tail, too! that's my pervy side talking now~~blushes~~**

Through your journey there was love, action, angst, pain, hope, family, support, mystery, evil, and horror. The whole gamut of emotions that would make Jasper run for the hills! Yet, you have pulled an HEA out of it all. You are truly an amazing author. Thank you, again, for giving of your time and talent in storytelling and for broadening to scope to allow Edward and Bella to live, again!

"Bella," he said slowly, "that was me." **Ye'p', he won.** Neener, Neener, Kneener...**Ouch!**
Your humble and devoted fan CentauRita ;D

Team Angst: All The King's Horses

Team Angst is a constantly changing teams, depending on who can handle the angst levels of the Team Angst pick. Only the bravest (or craziest) Pervs tackle the tears and pain to bring you the best angst and heartfail that fan fic has to offer. Non-canon pairings? No problem. Cheating and Break-ups? No sweat. Character death? Bring it! It’s all in a days work for Team Angst. So if you think you’re tough enough put on your big girl pants, take a seat and join us for the Team Angst Pick.

---

The Team Angst Pick is...

Title: All the King’s Horses
Author: idpattthat
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,154
Reviews: 122
Summary: When an unexpected tragedy threatens to tear their family apart, Leah and Edward must find the strength to put the pieces back together. AH Edward/Leah

---

Lisamichele17

Firstly, I am so thrilled to be writing this review for All the King’s Horses by idpattthat. She is a generous author in this fandom and I have to admit that she was the second (einfach_mich was the first, honestly) author that drove me to the dark side with the promises of cookies with non-canon pairings. I want every single person that thinks they are Edward/Bella to seriously give this fic a chance.

In the first few chapters you get introduced to Edward, Leah and Caroline. Edward and Leah are married, and they have the most adorable daughter, Caroline. I definitely picked up that there was a sense of loss in these chapters. At the same time, you don’t see Leah truly pushing away from Edward. In fact, when Edward holds Leah, she is literally reaching for him. That told me that something happened in their past, something that was terribly tragic.

In Chapter Four you get a glimpse of the passionate relationship that Edward and Leah share, told from Leah’s pov.

One kiss. He did that to me with one kiss. I needed so much more.

"I want you so much," Edward said softly as his lips skimmed my collarbone and his hands deftly removed my bra. We fell backwards onto the bed and my hair formed a curtain around us. His eyes searched mine for a long moment and I wondered if he were changing his mind. If maybe this wasn't something he really wanted to do. Maybe he was just feeling sorry for me, sorry for not trying harder these past few months.

Of course the look in his eyes as he gazed up at me pushed those thoughts away: love and lust and awe…all for me.

The very things I felt.

Edward rolled us smoothly and I sighed as his hands moved over my skin and then pulled off my jeans and panties. He rested his body over mine and the rough denim against my thighs made me squirm against him. My fingers trailed down his chest and to the waistband of his pants. He groaned as I popped the buttons open and slid my hand inside and wrapped my fingers around him. His hips bucked into my hand as I stroked him and his breath came in little gasps. I grinned and pulled my hand away.

The first time I read this I was blown away by the intimacy and how powerful the relationship is between Edward and Leah. The love they have for each other showed me how strong they can be together.

The supporting characters in All the King’s Horses are just as important. I love the relationship between Emmett and Bella. They are married and have two kids. Emmett and Bella have been together since college. They got married at the same time as Edward and Leah. The biggest difference is that Emmett and Bella adopted two children. The friendship between Leah and Bella is strong. Although, you can pick up on the fact that there are some things they don’t talk about. I am keeping my mouth shut about that because I want you to read it for yourself. Esme is a proud grandma. There is no doubt about that. Alice and Jasper are in a relationship.

Chapter Six is when the angst really comes into play, and it’s something that is so realistic that I had no clue at how to react.

"What in heaven's name is going on with the two of you?" Esme finally cried as she stood up and stuck her hands on her hips, glaring at her daughter.

Alice's dark eyes went wide as she stood up and faced her mother. Jasper followed, his hands rested protectively on her shoulders.

"I…we…" she trailed off and glanced at him for support. Edward made a noise in his throat and a knowing look crossed his face. I inhaled sharply as I finally got it.

"We're getting married!" Jasper finally said with a huge grin.

"Oh!" Esme pulled them both into her arms and soon we were all embracing and congratulating and smiling. "Champagne! I think I have a bottle somewhere, we should celebrate!"

"No, Mom. That's okay," Alice grabbed her mother's hand before she could leave. "I don't…"

"You're pregnant!" Bella cried from beside me. Alice opened her mouth to speak, but closed it quickly.

Her eyes filled with tears and she nodded. I watched Esme fold her daughter and soon-to-be son-in-law into her embrace and I reached my hand back, knowing I would find Edward. He slipped his hand into mine and squeezed my fingers lightly.

I was angry at myself for not being more excited for them. Part of me wanted to hug and cry and be happy with her but the other part, the ugly green-eyed monster part, was… jealous.

Biting back my tears, I went to Alice and hugged her tightly. She smiled up at me, though it was tinged with worry, so I whispered my congratulations and kissed her cheek. Edward smiled as he lifted her off her feet, though it didn't meet his eyes. Of course, no one but me would have noticed.

I felt so out of sorts. I wanted to be happy for Alice and Jasper but at the same time I wanted to hug Edward and Leah. The emotions between those two nearly killed me. I loved how Edward reached for Leah’s hand.

In the chapters that follow you get a glimpse of the past. You learn about Edward, Leah and Eli. How Leah and Edward became a couple. This Edward makes me swoon, and Leah is absolutely beautiful. These characters are not perfect. That is something that I love to read. It makes it more realistic to me.

Oh, and don’t let me forget to mention those insanely hot, yet realistic, lemons. Especially when they come from Edward’s pov:

She let me wrap her up in my arms and pull her down to the bed of my truck until our bodies were pressed together on top of an old beach blanket. Leah leaned on her elbow and rested her hand on my cheek, her eyes trained on mine. I smiled and tugged her down to me, suddenly and incredibly desperate for contact with her.

The intimacy between Edward and Leah is so damn strong. Every chapter that idpattthat
writes makes me want to bring on my pom poms, and I have never been a cheerleader. Edward and Leah fight. They love. They are a family. All the King’s Horses has it all for me. Give this a chance. The writing is perfect. You will root for Edward and Leah, just like I am.


Jen
There are situations in life that can tear apart even the most committed, deeply in love couple. All the King’s Horses tells the story of one such couple. Edward and Leah have lost a child, and in the first few chapters it’s impossible to imagine that they might make it through their grief with their family and marriage intact.

Not gonna lie, this one hurts, after all, it tells the story of a parent’s worst nightmare. idpattthat mixes past and present, weaving Edward and Leah’s background throughout the story--both the beginning of their relationship as well as how they lost their son. At this time in the story we still don’t know how or why Eli died, but we are moving closer and closer to learning that. We do know that Edward is no stranger to grief; years after his father’s death he’s still heavily weighed down by it.

Despite knowing he’s hurting the ones he loves most, Edward has been spending a lot of time alone. He’s withdrawn, and his relationships with his wife, his child, his brother and other friends are strained. We get to see inside his head, but the town and Leah do not. From their eyes it is easy to believe that he’s slipping away from all of them.

Leah’s not coping much better with Eli’s death, and feeling that her husband is pulling away from her makes everything so much worse. She misses every aspect of their relationship, and that includes the physical side. The return of their physical relationship will have you exhaling in relief. Though Leah is ready to talk about their son, their loss, Edward is not and uses the physical to communicate his love for her. Because of the grief in this story, I almost feel guilty for finding the lemons incredibly sexy.

As much as I want to know how Eli died and to see how Edward and Leah make it through their grief together, I’m almost more eager for the sections that show us their past. idpattthat shows their connection, even as teenagers, so intensely. You’ll swoon.

No, there wasn't something between us. There was everything between us. Everything that was known and unknown. There were things that we were both too afraid to find, but too stupid to care about at the moment. And he knew it, too.

"Kiss me. Kiss me and tell me it doesn't mean anything and I'll drop it. I'll never mention it to you again," he said as he dropped my hands and cupped my face, his fingertips gently moving into the hair at the back of my neck.

Edward didn't give me a chance to respond. Before I knew it his lips were pressed to mine, soft and warm, tinged with alcohol and salt from the air. I gasped a little when his hand wrapped around the back of my neck and his tongue parted my lips. The heat of his body pressed against mine and something inside me broke and I knew I'd never kiss anyone else.

Leah and Edward have come a long way from the prologue, but there are still difficult times ahead. Edward seems to be at a breaking point, and they will both need to be open and vulnerable with one another during this next part of their healing. I know it’s going to continue to hurt, but that just makes the story of their love that much more beautiful.



Jess
I have been a fan of idpattthat’s stories for quite some time. She writes Edward/Leah (and Edward/Bella, although not in this story) in a way that you can’t help but fall in love with them. She brings out the characteristics of each of them that we know and love, without making it feel trite or overdone.

In this story, All the King’s Horses, we come face to face with a couple that is deeply in love but struggling through the loss of a child. Navigating the very rough waters of grief can be a challenge, but idpattthat has handled the subject with delicacy and realism. I ache for the pain Edward and Leah are fighting to get past, and even though it hurts, it’s not “rip-your-heart out” angst. It’s understated, playing out in their day-to-day actions and interactions with friends and family. In fact, in the latest chapter, we get a glimpse of what it’s like to be caught off guard when they come face to face with a child that resembles their Eli. ::heartclench::

idpattthat gives us glimpses of what Edward (or Teddy, as Leah lovingly calls him) and Leah’s (and Caroline, their little girl) life used to look like. These brief glimpses of happiness and a love that takes your breath away gives me hope that they will get past their loss, that they’ll find ways to remember and celebrate Eli’s life.

I pulled her closer against me and felt her body relax into mine. Her skin was still exposed, still teasing me.

"Edward…" she whispered my name and I closed my eyes at the sound of it. It was like sweet surrender.

"Leah, I just…fuck, I love you so much," the words came out in a rush and I immediately wished I hadn't chosen that moment to tell her that. She froze in my arms and I stifled a groan.

I clasped my hands behind my head and stepped away from her. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Sorry that you love me?" she asked, loud and clear.

I turned back to her quickly. "God, no." My hands cupped her face, bringing her dark eyes back to mine. "Loving you is the only thing that's keeping my head above water, Leah. I've wanted to tell you for weeks, but I couldn't find the courage to. I just didn't want to remember this moment with the day I buried my father."

She blinked at me, her hands covering mine.

"I didn't want it to happen this way," I said again. She pulled my hands from her face and kissed my knuckles, and then dropped them and wrapped her arms around my neck. She pulled me closer until our foreheads touched and then her lips were pressed against mine.

"I love you too, Teddy," Leah whispered as she pulled away.

"Even if I'm a mess?" I tried to laugh, but it just came out as a broken sob.

"Because you're a mess. You're my mess." She kissed me again and held me tightly, like I was going to fly away or something. I didn't care; sometimes it felt like I might. But when it did…I held on to her.

There are still a few uncertainties and unknowns, the biggest being how Eli died, but idpattthat always has a plan, and I know she’ll bring these two a happily ever after that makes sense for them and their family.

Make sure you leave her some love, and tell her the Pervs sent you!


Nico

I have to admit I was a little nervous to jump into this story since it was my first time reading about Leah and Edward. However, that all went away as I watched their relationship build. I could totally relate to them. We haven’t met the whole extended family yet but I am already looking forward to the introduction of Seth and seeing what type of dynamic he brings to an already awesomely diverse bunch.

What hit me most about this story is the true pain that it portrays and the real life effects it has on these characters. The pain of losing a child and how that affects the family is ever present in their day to day activities--something as small as a daily task or as big as a family member announcing exciting news. When Edward says “That one day we could become even a shadow of what we used to be, of what we used to have. I hoped one day we would be happy.” This screamed to me and said so much without having to say much at all. I am rooting for them to find healing and to move forward, so that they can hopefully find that “happy” Edward is looking for.


Teal

Oh my heart.

Edward/Leah stories aren’t a typical draw for me, though I’ve read a few. Idpattthat has such a wonderful style for introducing their relationship and delivering bits and pieces of it over time, so it felt just as natural to me as reading any other pairing...or even original fic. I’m so glad I gave this one a shot! It’s a heartbreaker, but it’s also a beautiful exploration of a couple who have a strong, loving relationship dealing with tragedy...the way it changes them, the good and bad days, and how they deal with it together (though in this case, not dealing with their loss as a unit is the driving force of this story.

With quick yet detailed, full chapters, this story is a fast read that will have you checking your email constantly for an update. The intimate moments are intense and full of love, and they demonstrate the desperation and need these characters have for each other - especially emotionally - and how it’s sometimes easier to express yourself physically than open up and talk. I’m invested in these characters, wildly curious to know what happened to cause their loss, and how they will work through it together...because I just can’t make myself believe they won’t. They have to. No matter what. I’m hooked, and I’m sure you will be too.

Team Angst: Practice to Deceive

Team Angst is a constantly changing teams, depending on who can handle the angst levels of the Team Angst pick. Only the bravest (or craziest) Pervs tackle the tears and pain to bring you the best angst and heartfail that fan fic has to offer. Non-canon pairings? No problem. Cheating and Break-ups? No sweat. Character death? Bring it! It’s all in a days work for Team Angst. So if you think you’re tough enough put on your big girl pants, take a seat and join us for the Team Angst Pick.

---

The Team Angst Pick is...



Title: Practice to Deceive
Author: Livie79
Chapters: 12
Words: 48,075
Reviews: 925
Summary: I saw her today. I wasn't impressed. But he wanted her, and that was enough for me. He would feel what I felt. She was just collateral damage. AH ExB

---

Teal

From the very beginning, you will know that this one is a heart shredder.

I can’t say I’m normally a fan of “Asshole Edward,” but there’s something devastatingly intriguing about this story. Edward is undoubtedly a misguided, ignorant, stupid guy when he formulates his plan to use Bella as revenge, but there’s something in the way he was before that keeps me reading. There was a time that he was a regular frat boy, enjoying college life and friendships the way he should have been. He didn’t think his girlfriend was the perfect woman, but they’d been together long enough that he believed they would have a future together. (Come on, we’ve all known someone who settled that way. Hell, some of us are that person.) Then it all came crashing down around him. It made him change. It made him bitter and spiteful, to the point he wanted revenge for the betrayal he felt.

I won’t say this was a good idea. It wasn’t. But we’re all human and have made idiotic decisions, believing they would make us feel better in the end, and that’s Edward to a T.

So what’s the problem? He falls for the girl he was using for revenge...then he realizes what an epic asshole he’s been. He knows he should walk away before someone outs him, but the heart and the head are not often in agreement.

This is gritty and difficult to read at times, but it’s a train wreck you can’t help but watch. There really is something between Edward and Bella, though, and as a reader, I can’t help but hope she can do something to take him back to the good guy he used to be. One has to wonder if he’ll ever get his chance after reading the prologue, though.

Either way, I’m going to enjoy hot-as-fuck tidbits like this:

I pushed up and stared down at her wearing nothing but her bra and panties. Motherfucker, she was smokin'. Her legs were long and smooth, her stomach flat, her waist curved in slightly and her tits were fucking perfect. Not those huge fake fucking things, but real and soft.

She slid her hand across her stomach and drummed her fingers over her belly button. I looked at her face, a smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"You gonna just stand there and stare? Make me take care of this myself?" She sassed, like the smart ass she was.

"No fucking way." I laughed and pulled my shirt over my head.

I licked my lips and crawled over her, reaching around her back and popping the clasp of her bra.

Proceed with caution, sweet pervlings... It’s good, but it’s going to hurt!



Corie
Can a relationship built on revenge and lies ever survive? That is the question Livie79 is tackling here. This is one of those runaway train stories that you know is going to crash but the journey makes it so fascinating.

I have an intense love hate relationship with this Edward. You can see his pain and the real person underneath all the emotional bullshit he’s hiding behind. You can see the love and caring he had for his family and friends, but he’s a shell of that guy. Then a revenge plot brings a strong willed woman in to his world and that shell starts to crack. He’s forced to work for something that while at first is driven by hate turns in to something unexpected for him. I love the growth of characters and this story is interesting because we see the demise of his character and then watch him really change and start to see how unhealthy his new “outlook” on life is. What it’s truly doing to him by letting his hurt and anger lead his life.

The budding love story is chock full of UST and sexiness no matter how hard they both fight against it in the beginning. The lies are building as the walls of self preservation start to crumble and they are giving in to their desires.

She smirked and reached for the edge of the towel, the tips of her fingers ghosting over the top of the rolled towel and dipping down. My stomach muscles clenched, causing a gap between me and the towel. Bella curved her fingers in between and tugged slightly.

"Maybe I was hoping to find you exactly like this," she whispered and pulled until I was brushing against her chest.

"And what exactly did you plan on doing with me once you found me?" I asked, my breaths coming in short bursts. I could already feel my erection pressing against the towel, and I knew there was no fucking way she missed that shit.

"A little of this," she sang and rolled up on the balls of her feet, kissing me lightly on my lips, "and a little of this." She pushed her chest completely against me, her leg sliding between mine and pressing fully against my dick. Fuck, she seriously was trying to kill me.

I slid my arm under hers and around her back, until my hand was pressed flat in the middle of her shoulders. I dipped my head down and swept my lips across hers, barely touching. I brushed them from side to side once more, before pressing them firmly against hers. The dry skin caught, tugged, before I snaked my tongue out and traced her bottom lip, moistening it. She parted her lips, and I let my tongue drift over the bottom of her teeth before pushing into her mouth and tangling our tongues together, tasting her.

I wanted to be inside her so fucking bad. And knowing she was single and was with me without anything or anyone in the background made it so much fucking worse. Our teeth knocked together as she flexed the fingers holding the towel and wrapped her other hand around my back, her nails digging into my bare flesh.

I pulled back slightly, my erection pressing into her stomach, her chest heaving against mine. "God, Bella. Fuck. What are you doing?"

"I missed you, Stalker. And I can't be held responsible for my actions when you're standing here practically naked," she breathed, grinding against me.

"Fuck," I hissed. My dick was so sensitive it was painful.

From the prologue alone we know this isn’t going to be an easy journey, but I have to say I’m loving watching it unfold.

Nico

Two wrongs never make a right, or can they? Will Edward be able to get his way and have the girl? Or will there be a price to pay? This story does a great job of making me want to love and hate the game so much, and as I read each chapter I can’t decide how I want things to turn out. Will Edward be able to make up for his mistakes? Should he be allowed to? I am curious to read on and find out. :)


Jess
I love angst. I love stories where you know your heart’s about to pounded and stomped on, and yet you can’t walk away. From the prologue you know Practice to Deceive is going to be one of those stories. And man has it. With each update, I can feel all the events leading us back to the prologue, to the big discovery that Edward has been using Bella for revenge, that he’s a selfish asshole... you get the idea. It hurts. So good. And that’s why I love this story.

As Teal said, we’ve all been there, some of us probably still are, and yet we can’t seem to figure out how to get out of the downward spiral we’ve created for ourselves. In the last update, that pain was so much more acute. Edward’s thought processes and his character growth are so obvious, and yet, when he writes in his journal (something he does often to document his thoughts, feelings, plans...) it comes off sounding so bad. I cringed, because I know when Bella finds that, she’s going to read it and see someone that he (at least at this stage) no longer is. It’s a pot on the verge of boiling over and even by removing the lid or turning off the heat nothing is going to change the fact that she’s gonna blow (heh!)

And yet, I can’t bear to look away, because I see what Edward used to be and what he’s trying to become. His self-loathing and selfishness are painful, but he’s got tender moments, too, and that is what makes the whole thing worthwhile. This little bit here, I think, characterizes all the crazy feelings he has and how he justifies it all in his mind:

"Bella, wait."

"No, Edward. Like I said, I don't need excuses."

I slid in front of her, cupping her chin and tilting her face up so I could look at her. Her eyes were shining, her face and neck flushed.

"I'm not breaking up with you; you crazy, beautiful girl." I smiled softly, as she pulled her head back slightly to look at me fully.

"But you said..." she trailed off.

I slid my hand down her arm until I reached her hand and hooked my pinky around hers.

"I said I was a shitty boyfriend. I said nothing about being a saint. I'm far too selfish to do the right thing and let you go, so you can find someone who deserves you." I tugged her hand, pulling her behind me to the living room.

"So," she paused, "you're not breaking up with me?"

"No," I chuckled, feeling like shit for the secrets I knew I'd continue to keep from her. But the alternative...it just wasn't an option.

As my fellow Pervs mentioned, the UST is off the charts and the sexy times are hot! Give this little story a read. Make sure you leave Livie79 some love. Tell her the Pervs sent you!

Team Angst: The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Team Angst is a constantly changing teams, depending on who can handle the angst levels of the Team Angst pick. Only the bravest (or craziest) Pervs tackle the tears and pain to bring you the best angst and heartfail that fan fic has to offer. Non-canon pairings? No problem. Cheating and Break-ups? No sweat. Character death? Bring it! It’s all in a days work for Team Angst. So if you think you’re tough enough put on your big girl pants, take a seat and join us for the Team Angst Pick.

---

The Team Angst Pick is...




Title: The Lies We Tell Ourselves
Author: Ysar
Chapters: 72
Words: 30,715
Reviews: 1292
Summary: "The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid." The lie he told to protect her has had nine years to destroy her, and it's time to pick up the pieces.

---

Jen
When Nico suggested The Lies We Tell Ourselves for our Team Angst choice, it didn’t take very many chapters to see how heart-achy it is. It’s enough to make you feel like you’re the one with the gaping hole in your chest.

I was a little worried at first glance as the story was already at 65 chapters. Fortunately it’s a drabble story and reads very quickly. As I’ve said before, drabbles don’t work for every story, but they definitely work here and ramp up the anxiety from chapter to chapter. The chapters alternate between past and present, which also increases the tension in the story.

I haven’t read any other stories by Ysar, but I’m guessing she’s a master of intense angst. She uses the central canon idea of Edward making decisions for Bella, without her input, to twist the knife in both of their hearts, and of course, ours, too. Right now we mostly know of Edward’s anguish--at first his anguish of knowing he made the wrong choice, knowing that he lost the love of his life, and then later the anguish of seeing the hell that Bella’s life has become. We’re starting to learn about Bella’s anguish, as she and Edward start talking.

The Lies We Tell Ourselves is a story of contrasts--past and present, innocence and corruption, the sweet blush of first kisses and the ugliness of using sex to fill a hole in your heart, what could have been and what is. It’s also a story of mistakes and incorrect assumptions. But this is the Perv Pack’s Smut Shack, so I know you want to hear about sexytimes.

I release her wrist and bring my hand up to her face, the heel of my palm under her chin, my fingertips resting against her soft jaw line, and my thumb brushing over her cheek. I stepped forward, tilting her face up to mine and leaning in, breathing in the heavenly scent I've been lost in all night. My heart skips a beat as her eyes flutter shut. I gently touch my lips to hers, a part of me still expecting her to slap me. Instead I am nearly knocked backward as her body collides with mine, her hands snaking around my neck, her fingers tangling in my hair.  I can feel every curve of her pressed against me, every heartbeat pounding behind the soft breasts molded against my chest. My hands find their way to her hips, jerking her hard against me, pressing myself, aroused and fully erect, against her stomach. Her lips part in a sharp gasp and her eyes fly open in alarm.

They are so positively sweet! At this point in the story you can hardly guess how on earth they’ve been torn apart. College student Edward is utterly smitten with high school senior Bella, and is willing to face the intensity of Chief Swan to be with her. I won’t spoil their first time together; just know that with the alternating timeline the chapters take, you will be panting until you get to the next ‘past’ chapter. It’s really lovely, sweet writing, and such a heartbreaking contrast to the present.

With the amount of pain and heartache in The Lies We Tell Ourselves, it’s hard to imagine how Edward and Bella can heal themselves and one another. But I’m betting on Ysar to make it happen.



Corie
Sadness. There is so much sadness underlying in this story of regret. Edward had a decision he made that caused the picture perfect life he was leading to crumble around him, changing the lives of everyone this sweet couple knew.

I adore how the author uses the drabble form tell the story one chapter from now and one chapter from their beginning, alternating between their pain and some of their heart warming moments. As the reader, we get to see them fall in love as they find a way back to each other, the question is how much damage is done, and is there really anything left of those sweet kids that feel in love 10 years earlier? Edward is the narrator of our story, and he has such a strong character voice from self loathing to fiercely loyal. He’s complicated and layered, and Bella’s transformation as a character is mind boggling.

This is one of those “can’t put it down” stories. You crave to know more but each chapter brings you heartache and a pit in your gut at the damage that just one lie can create. The path Edward chose may have been the hard one, but it’s also fantastic watching him climb out of this abyss of pain and regret to fight for the girl he should have all those years ago. The question is will she let him? Is she too broken? I can’t wait find out the answer.

Nico

Having someone make a life altering decision for you is never a good idea especially when you don’t even realize it is being made for you. Edward made decisions that he thought were for the best, but by leaving everyone out of the loop, in the end just hurt everyone involved.


I love how this story lays their feelings out.  You feel Edward and Bella’s pain for different reasons but still both are hurting and you can really understand it. The flashbacks in the beginning of the story are so sweet and sensitive and touching and it makes the present that much more painful. How one decision can change so many lives years down the line.

The last chapter left us at a critical crossroads and I can’t wait to see where it leads them and the journey they will take to get there.


Jess
Misunderstandings suck. Lies of omission are even worse. But lies told under the guise of protecting someone hurt the worst. This is the situation facing Bella and Edward in The Lies We Tell Ourselves. Initially told from two timelines, we get a glimpse of what Edward and Bella were... and what they are now. This story is absolutely heartbreaking, and it all stems from the lie. The lie meant to protect.

I think what struck me most about this story was how visceral it feels. Edward’s agony over his decision - the initial break up - and the result of it - what Bella has become and the impact on his family - are so palpable. I felt myself cringing at the pain, the hurt, and the longing. There are so many examples of this, but this line in particular gutted me:

I don't think I'm going to try dating anymore. I'm still not over Bella, even after all these years away from her. I've certainly tried to take an interest in other women, but I always feel like there's something missing, and I've finally realized what it is. My heart.

And that’s just it. He’s never gotten over her; she’s never gotten over him. They are both lost. He’s lonely, and she’s on a path of self-destruction that has left her fiery and angry, bitter and alone.

When he first gets the chance to confront her, to explain, my heart was seriously in my throat. Jake, her best friend, her “everything,” stands guard over her, trying to protect her, and while there might be some romantic interest there, it doesn’t fully play out. Edward’s subsequent word vomit and then more and more would be comical if it wasn’t so damn tragic, but really, the part that kills is his inner thoughts.

She tastes of alcohol and shame. Or maybe that's me. I have no idea what I'm doing or why I thought this would be okay, but I'm done with running and hiding and wearing my guilt like a cross. I just know that I love her, and I think she still loves me, and I'm willing to give every one of the hundred years it will take me to make everything up to her.

Jen gave you a hint above about how good they were together, how sweet and playful like most new, loving relationships are.  One of the things that cracked me up was seeing Chief Swan go to great lengths to keep them on the up and up.  By the time they finally moved in together, they still hadn't done it.  Edward was determined to make it good instead of some quickie, and holy mother lovin' unf does he succeed.

Her body writhes beneath me, her breathing becoming soft panting, as her hands push against the back of my head and pull at my hair. In an instant, her entire body arches upward, my name in screams filling the room as her thighs grip my shoulders and her pussy clenches in tight spasms around my fingers. I slow my movements, waiting as her mind returns to her flushed body, and then I pull myself up to lie over her and settle between her thighs. If we're going to do this, it needs to be now, while her body's still fresh from her orgasm and ready.

Yeah. Take a minute. There's more where that came from.

There were four updates last night, all very welcome. It feels like we might be turning a corner, but it’s really just too soon to tell. If you want some heartichokey reading, this one’s definitely for you! Leave ysar some love, and tell her the Pervs sent you!