Sunday, March 29, 2009

Getting to Know MsKathy

Ahhh, it's my turn for the Perv Pack Getting to Know You! This could take a while; if you've ever had a conversation with me, you know I am one chatty bitch.

I'm 33, I have one very cute 7 year old daughter (that's her with me in the pic... cute, right? I swear, I really do have a neck... ), a husband and an epic coffee addiction. I am stuck in the greater Salt Lake area in Utah right now, but have lived in MI, CA, TX and WV. In my past lives, I have done everything from selling Kirby vacuums (that lasted exactly one weekend as I realized they probably wanted people who actually -used- vacuums to demonstrate them), phone technical support for a dial-up ISP on up to a Director position for a large NSP, worn too many hats to mention at a law firm, film runner back in the day for an emergency room, and CEO of my very own company (and no, it wasn't an adult toy company, as many people have guessed – it was far more wholesome and family friendly, you pervs!). I love to cook and bake, spend time in my very neglected craft room and chat.

You've maybe seen my name in some author's notes, thanking me for help/beta services. As my “friends” like to say (some 'friends' *grumble*), I get around. Nothing makes me happier than a well edited story. Well. Okay. If you REALLY know me, you know some things do, but we're getting to that in a moment.

I began co-writing a oneshot with NaughtyPastryChef called The Trip Home, for a Christmas contest way back... 5 months ago. That blew up into a multi-chapter story that I love. I was hooked from the oneshot, which I began in all honesty as a way to get my posted word count high enough to become an official “beta” on the FanFiction website.

I now write three other stories as well and am mostly known for non-standard pairings and situations, but I also have a canon oneshot and a canon story, so don't discount me just yet, you canon pairing lovers. I love diversity in my writing and don't see that changing anytime soon as I review my completed story outlines. Yeah, despite that I have four stories going right now, I have numerous others waiting in the wings, fully outlined and ready to write in my brain.

If you come to the AU/AH Forums at Twilighted, you've no doubt seen my name plastered all over The Submissive & The Dominant threads. Depending on the phase of the moon and the amount of caffeine pulsing through my body, I might be posting a haiku showering my friends with love or waxing philosophic on the proper way to use a riding crop on your willing partners (we love to share during Circle Time). I also sprinkle my annoying opinion around to a few other threads for stories that I love. I am all about diversity, baby. Oh, I'm also all about the flirty. I'm a lover, not a fighter. Scoot a little closer while I tell you the rest of this story, k?

I never imagined when I began posting at Twi that I would make such wonderful friends. I am thankful each and every day for them, because they make my day just a smidgey bit brighter, and so major props go out to all mah homies. I have shared stories with them that are intensely private, I have laughed and cried with them, shaken my fist in anger and even met up with one in “real life,” as some people like to call it.

I nearly gave myself an ulcer trying to pick just one story as my highlight, so guess what? I'm breaking the rules. That's right. If you can't handle it, well, I'll be available on the spanking bench later.

There are so many stories on my reading list that I love, if we talked about them all, we'd be here for weeks. In case it's not already obvious, all of these stories are mature, with mature themes and ideas.. and most have some wicked hot sex in theme, but not all! I even listed some T-rated stories, 'cause I read those too, (this comment is aimed right at you-know-who, the person who asked if I only ever beta for naughty M stories :P).

The Submissive & The Dominant are two of my all time favorite stories on FanFiction. I really fell in love with the way tara sue me writes and it certainly doesn't hurt that she has almost never turned down a single marriage proposal. Considering how many I send her, I think that's pretty sweet of her.

Suburban Ennui by algonquinrt is a recent addition to my 'stories I love' list. Don't be put off by the number of chapters, they are short and well written. Everyone here is flawed and flailing, holding on by a string. This is one of those rare gems – an Esme/Carlisle story. It's a grown up, real story about real, grown ups! How about that?

Don't Worry About It by idrivelikeacullen was a story that really struck me from the beginning. The first chapter ends with “That other boy was, is, my brother Edward” Emmett said from behind me. “He’s kind of a sore subject around here. Please don’t bring him up to my parents” – how can you NOT want to read more? The history of Edward Cullen emerges and is laid out beautifully, along with the companion of Meadowlands, which tells of Edward's missing time.

No One Saw the Pain by magan bagan is a tear jerker, I'm going to be straight up honest with you. I cried like a little baby while reading certain parts of this. This is a rare gem in that it is completed. The prologue begins with some backstory on Bella, and the first chapter is six years later as Bella reunites with Edward, who previously saved her.

Wreckage by lambcullen is a story that could have gone completely cliché (the premise is that Bella was in an accident just after Edward proposed), but still has my rapt attention. Bella has amnesia and lambie has done a great job of weaving in mystery - Did she say yes to his proposal? What is the secret Edward is keeping? Why is Bella upset with Charlie?

Park Bench Portrait by Neica is a funny and interesting wild ride. Imagine Bella's surprise when, at a work function taking place at an art gallery, she sees photographs and drawings of herself. The mysterious EAC has secretly captured our Bella during her lunch time escapes from her insane boss, Rosalie (who calls Bella Birdie and that just cracks me up).

The Artist's Model by InkBud is a T-rated story about Edward Masen, a painter in Paris. His donor/sponsor Carlisle urges him to branch out a bit in his subjects. He meets Bella and the story progresses. All of the canon characters are here, but they are fleshed out in such different and unique ways – Emmett, for example, is a furniture designer.

There are so many other little nuggets and stories I am enjoying, I am so sorry and sad that I don't have the time or space to mention them all.

One last shout out is due to the Perv Pack Members themselves. Each and every one of them went out of their way for me at some point, many before I was even part of the PP, and I appreciate the friendship and bonds I have made with them immensely. I would say we are all BFFs, but the friendship they offer me extends above and beyond word definitions.

Friday, March 27, 2009

"The List" by Laura Cullen

Our Guest Reviewer this week is...Alice aka Feathers_mmmm

This week's Perv Pack Recommendation is...

Title: "The List"
Author: Laura Cullen
Chapters: 16
Words: 80,253
Reviews: 2127
Summary: Four weeks before her wedding to Edward, Bella is frustrated. She knows there's little-to-no chance of getting him to bend his rules and boundaries now, but there's no harm in fantasizing about what could happen later. So she begins compiling a list of things that she and Edward can do together once they're happily married. She's surprised to find she might be able to cross some things off earlier than she thought...

Twilighted thread for "The List"

Guest Reviewer Alice- So I have learned something valuable. When Nina gives me a fic rec, I read it usually within a few hours of when she sends to to me. Sometimes, if I hold her boobies exceptionally well, she will link multiple chapters for me, and I can read them on my phone like a true fic/crack fiend. So naturally when she told me about The List, I promptly pranced to my laptop and opened it up. And I have not been able to think straight since.

From the first chapter where Bella realizes that cold water from a shower massager feels a lot like our favorite vamp, to the knowledge that her scent is literally driving Edward to break down all his carefully constructed rules regarding her “morality”, to Alice knowing about the list before it really even gets off the ground...all I can say is wow.

The “list” itself is pure genius, a check off list of everything Bella wants to do with Edward, and truth be told all the things I would like to do to him as well.

Picture Edward pushing Bella up against a tree, raising her arms above her head, and when she tries to move them saying something like “Keep them up against the tree,” are you kidding me with this? This is hot, hot, pure white hot mental fuckery that continues on for the rest of the fic.
The chapters grow increasingly more daring, as do our favorite little scamps. Favorite images? Blue panties, naked shower Edward, dirty talking Bella, the first time he touches her they do it together, sex advice from Carlisle haha, sexy times in the car after dirty dancing...Jesus, I really can't go on.

Now, here is where it gets interesting.

Bella's blood, and specifically, where it is coming from. This could have been where I stopped reading, and In the same way that Hope made a double penetration scene in The Arrangement meaningful and plot-driven, so did Laura with this potentially skeevy plot twist. It is artfully written, sweetly smutty, and designed to kill. And by kill I mean kill your is a panty killer!!

I will end by saying that the shower scene in the latest chapter...holy hell. Perfection, and I am a sucker for a good shower scene. Here is hoping Laura continues to tick off everything on that list, and continues to add to it. And maybe #69 on that list, Bella could insist on asking Edward to have sex with me while she gets to watch? No? OK...The List by Laura Cullen is mmmm...

Bri- I know we all wished for the sex to come (<--hehe) after Eclipse and this story delivers those sexy times. The premise of the story is quite cute - Bella making a list of all the things she wants to do with Edward. What's even better is getting to see her cross the items off that list. The characters do tend to bounce around a lot between being IC and OOC, which turned me off just a bit. I'm all for an OOC Edward that says fuck all the time and wants to fuck Bella seven ways to Sunday, but I want him to own it, not reprimand himself in the next chapter for doing it and then go right back to doing it again immediately after. However, even with the whiplash in the character changes, there's no denying the fact that this fic delivers the smut and delivers it sizzling hot. I am looking forward to seeing how much more Bella can cross off her list before the big day, and seeing how she can continue to drive Edward crazy with lust. 3.5/5 panties.

(why did I delay reading this diamond story?!!!!) THIS is an excellent story. J'adore VampWard & Bella prior to the marriage & change - oh the expectations I had of BD... (but I will NOT go there today!). Like our dear own Beks's epic Baby Steps, this story is how I wish the series had progressed... This story does not ignore the tension, the lust, the desires, the hunger, the need, the love and importantly the blood lust between the two betrothed love-birds. Instead it is driven by it. At times this story is tender, with the sexy activities adding to their connection, bond and trust and most importantly love between the two. BUT. Bella is human, real and likeable(!) & she humanises Edward whilst they explore the possibilities and push the boundaries of what a vamp & human in love can do...

But the lust? Dear god. The frustration? Feck me. The list? The list is genius, & is ever-growing... As more is conquered, more is added.. Just like in the real world! This story is so realistic. So how we would all be if we were faced with the granite perfection of an in-love Edward... Desperate for more. ....

What I love most about this fic is the way it has dealt with the vampire element. I mean come on! I can not be the only one who when reading Twilight was blown away with the sexy vamp opportunities for sexing? The thoughts of the cold hardness. The thoughts of the blood-drinking, the nibbling, the biting, the strength, the fierceness, the beast-within, the power, the brute-force, the-hunger... Dear god it drove me insane, and its something that is not touched on enough in stories (ff or the series) in my book.... (again, do read Beks's B.S. for more of this delightful stuff!) If I were Bella, I would want that sexy vamp to vamp it up for me... & this is where the List cum's into its own. (BRILLIANTLY, DAZZINGLY and RANDILY so..)

Yet their love is never lost, destroyed or smeared - unlike the panties.. I CANNOT praise this story enough. I adore it, its extremely well written, has a proper clever plot, top-notch characterisation and is burning, flaming, hot. I love it. READ IT NOW! Don't delay like the silly sausage here did..... I folded all my 5 out of 5 of my ruined knickers, and am keeping them safe for Edward, in case he ever calls for them... (what? a girl can dream/fantasise can't she?!)

Emily- I am currently being cockblocked by visiting family so I can not review but I know my pervy bitches here will not steer you wrong!

Hope- " The List" is a funny, humorous but tender and sweet look at what might have happened between our darling Edward and Bella after Eclipse and before Breaking Dawn. Pushing their sexual boundaries and expanding their experiences. I have read a few of these types of stories; some great, some good, some awful and some just plain smut for the sake of smut. "The List" is is one of that good ones. It takes an awkward topic, cause come on sexual repressed Edward and horny Bella is awkward and puts a funny, yet tender spin on it. So the basic premise is that Bella knows there are things that they can't do yet, so she makes a list of all the things she wants to do. And surprisingly she gets to cross quite a bit off of it, and without Edward even being aware of it. There is a hilarious conversation with Carlisle and some good natured teasing from Rose and Emmett, as well as a panty fetish Edward. Who knew little Eddie had a thing for Bella's panties? The smut comes (snicker) natural and doesn't seem forced. Yes, they are pushing their limits but it is organic in nature.This is a must read for anyone looking for a little escapism, with a side of naughtiness. And clever, funny and hot use of a removable shower-head with cold water and some hot wax. 4 wet panties that Edward wants to snatch out of 5.

Sorry kids, I'm off celebrating my b-day this weekend, so no review from me. 'See ya' next week!

Kathy- Ah, The List. This story is the tale of Bella and Edward's sexual frustration and how she attempts to solve their problem. I really enjoyed Edward's conflicting emotions in the beginning. In chapter 6, the emotion conveyed at the end about their impending marriage from EPOV was lovely. It was extremely touching in the middle of some hot lemons. Chapter 11 had me panting, I confess. Oh, and chapter 12. Okay, most of the chapters had me alternating between holding my breath and panting. 4/5 panties.

Miya- I've been sick and/or dealing with sick kids for the past several weeks but I had to come leave some List love. Here is my favorite things list for The List. 1. “There were days when I wished things like garlic and holy water and crucifixes worked.” 2.“Come for me, Bella. Come now.” 3. Vamp Edward saying fuck. 4. Vamp Edward saying fuck, a lot. 5. Jasper (who would have thought, fiberkitty enjoyed a Jasper lemon) and Alice with her crotchless panties. 6. Getting revenge with blue lace. 7. Love letters. 8. Emmett's smiley face. 9. Stained panties and 10. Vamp Edward saying fuck.

Five lingerie drawers full of panties out of five. I need an Alice with a Cullen credit card to go buy more. Oh and the author owes me some batteries. I ran out.

Nina- Nothing makes me happier than horny vampward. Seriously. I'm easy like that. Ask your dad. "The List" not only brings us a deliciously randy vampward (who likes to talk dirty) but a sexually confident Bella who knows what, when, how and where she wants her man to nail her. Numero Uno on the List is against a tree. The thought of plucking splinters from your ass isn't appealing. What would make it appealing? Edward burying his man bone while he holds you up against a tree. That's Chapter 2. It gets exponentially hotter each chapter. It's damn near ridiculous that Laura accomplishes that. Keep in mind. They haven't fucked yet. They're waiting for the wedding night. HAHAHA. If their base rounding experimentation is this stifling hot what the fuck is the actual humping going to be like? Alice decides she's going to facilitate the 'experimentation' and helps Bella reach her goals by giving her some very good advice and additions to their ever growing sexy times list. I'm a sucker for Edward's panty thievery, sex advice from Carlisle is win all the time especially when he uses the word semen. The best advice he gives her is "You do not have to worry about pregnancy." (hear that Meyer!)
It's not just their lust fueled exchanges that make this such a great story, don't get me wrong that helps, it's a legitimate story too. They're both still nervous about the wedding, I mean you can push boundaries all you want but when you get right down to it and Point A goes into Hole B it's going to hurt like fuck especially compounded with his vamp rod and his pure canon Edward nerves. I agree with my main girl love Alice that the shower massager is something we all should own especially if Summit can market ones shaped like a sparkling vamp peen. I will also admit that I get skeeved out at the thought of earning the Red Wings but for some reason in this case I wasn't. Maybe because it was realistically done, he was scared and hesitant but still very deeply possessed by his animalistic side to proceed. The latest chapter was fantastic, not only were we graced with some theatre loving but also a great scene involving Native Americans (not Quiletes) being wary of Edward and him almost being outed by the sudden sunlight. It was just an interesting turn of events that I can't remember having read anything similar to it before. Needless to say this story, the List and Laura own me. Seriously. It's funny, hot, sexy and honestly she updates crazy fast, has fucklong chapters of goodness and she's an absolute sweetheart. 5/5 from me with the promise of another 10 when they finally screw.

I have a soft spot for fics that have the Bella and Edward we know from the books explore and push boundaries. Maybe it's because I really wanted more out of the honeymoon (didn't we all?). I love a Bella who grows into her sexuality, and this Bella certainly does. Not to mention an Edward who caves to the more animalistic urges that Bella inspires. One of the hottest things to me is how Edward tries to retain his more gentlemanly exterior, while meanwhile his mind is full of the dirty and sexy things he both wants to give and get. I can't believe how very hot each chapter is without them actually having sex. 4/5 panties

Steph- I'm pretty sure it was someone in the PP who told me I needed to read this fic. Holy crow, I'm so glad they did. I'll admit I am a huge sucker for stories that continue from the books into areas that are left quite gray by SM. We all know Bella from the books was a complete horndog, how could she not be? I love Laura's version of Bella, I love her fantasies and her decision to make her list and try to see some things carried out, with a little help from Alice. And Edward, nervous, always-tries-to-be-a-gentleman Edward. I love that he is a bit OOC, hearing him say "Fuck" shoots tingles straight to my girly bits. I love that he is not so rigidly against trying anything for fear of hurting her, he works to overcome his fears and does a fan-fucking-tastic job of it. I want to be this Bella. If somebody figures out how, you better tell me. All of the scenes of "romance" (okay, so you know I mean totally HOT making out) are seriously to die for. There's this one little thing that Bella has done that I absolutely adore. I won't say what it is, but hot damn, I loved it. This story is seriously fucking hot, for not having any actual sex yet. I give it a 4.5/5 wet panties from me that will most assuredly rocket off the scale once we get the actual sex.

In addition to our Round Table Review above, we've also asked the Laura to share with us a bit about herself and her reaction to the blog.

I'm vibrating with excitement over the Pack reviewing The List. Er, I guess that's not the wisest choice of words on this blog, eh? Anyways, I'm 38 and have two daughters, Cara (5) and Julia (2.5). I've been married to my husband Brian for nearly 13 years, though we dated/were engaged for 6 years before that. I don't feel old enough to have been in a nearly twenty-year relationship. Sheesh. I teach American history at a college in Maryland and have published two non-fiction books in my field. I just found out that I am being promoted to Associate Professor, which is kinda cool. Last summer, I had a head injury and shoulder surgery and when I finally recovered from all that mess I literally felt like a new room in my brain had been opened up and I could NOT escape the need to write. Supernatural fantasies have always been my favorite genre, and I was 20 pages into a ghost story based on stories from my own family when a full-blown novel idea crashed into my brain and took hold (it's a vampire story, which wasn't really what I wanted to write given Twi, though it's quite different). Twelve weeks later I had cranked out my very first novel entitled Absolution. I haven't had luck yet landing an agent for it, though I've had a number of requests to see the manuscript, but it hasn't stopped my writing. Since I finished Absolution in October, I've written two chapters of a sequel for that book, plus two chapters of a possession story based on Anglo-Saxon mythology. Then between the holidays and an 8-week viral illness I've just gotten over I haven't written any of my own original stuff since December. Instead I've written two novel-length fan fictions! But, I've gotten so much pleasure writing these and reading the reviews that it's been an entirely rewarding experience.

So, mwah to all mah readahs

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

"Trapped" in a closet with Edward? Sign me the fuck up!

Title: "Trapped", "Freed" & "Harem"
Author: CallistoLexx
Chapters: Trilogy of one-shots
Words: 6,010/6,760/7,433
Reviews: 75/49/30
Summaries: "Trapped" All Human AU, BPOV. A drunken game of Truth or Dare with Alice leads to Bella spending her Saturday night somewhere she never expected. E/B, Em/R. ADULT CONTENT! "Freed" All Human AU, BPOV, sequel to Trapped. Bella surprises Edward at home.
"Harem" It's Halloween and Alice is throwing a party, where Edward and Bella want nothing more than to get away. Edward/Bella, AU/AH, sequel to Trapped & Freed.

Yeah so technically this is supposed to be one-shot Wednesday but I sort of/kinda cheated just a bit. Today my smutterific pervlings I bring you, a trilogy of smut from Tif aka CallistoLexx author extraordinaire of "Blame it on the Cuervo".

Let's start with "Trapped". I don't suggest playing that ridiculous R. Kelly song "Trapped in the Closet" (blech) while reading it.---- >

Seriously though back on topic. Bella and Alice are smashed, they play truth or dare. Alice dares Bella to pilfer Rose's panties on the sly. Bella gets 'caught' and hides in the closet. Meanwhile, Eddie shows up at his brother Emmett's apartment to collect his laptop. He gets 'caught' and hides in the closet with Bella. Now we're gifted with two hot pieces of ass, in a closet and in walks a uber horny Emmett (I believe he's perpetually horny in every fanfic ever) and Rose.

So, now we have two hot pieces of ass in a closet, panting, sweating, moaning all while watching the live action porn show. One thing leads to another, and B&E share a little closet-time loving. Hot closet-time loving. Yeah, closet blowjob. Closet fucking. Tasty.

Now let's move on to "Freed". At the end of "Trapped", our lovebirds are ready to take their loving elsewhere when they're met with Alice the mini cockblock nightmare who quickly separates them much to their mutual chagrin.

After the hangovers subside, Bella decides to pay big and little Eddie a visit wearing every man's fantasy gear. Fuck-me pumps, slutty panty-hose, fancy sexy lingerie and a coat. Fuck it, who needs clothes when visiting Edward?

Round two ensues. Eddie in a wife beater strips dear Bella nekkid (well he keeps the hose and the pumps) and proceeds to plow her senseless while they get to watch themselves in flagrante thanks to Eddie's perfectly placed mirror. Seriously, all fics need mirror sex. They just do.

Last but certainly not least is "Harem". A Halloween themed story that reunites our favorite couple, with Bella in whispy chiffon tempting dear Edward who is rocking the Sultan look with his chest bare and draped in a loose tunic. Fuck I love Halloween. Yeah, I'd be a chick in his harem, who wouldn't?

Nothing beats a little role play/dress up/fuck fest. Eddie as her commanding Sultan. Bella as his obedient harem girl and it's a yummy, delicious smut filled ditty that gets your hump day started with a bang. Literally.

So, in closing, read the smutty trio, enjoy it, review it and tell Tif that Nina the Porn Peddler said hi!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Love it? I DID...

Hey there, y’all - lil’ razzle dazzle time, huh? Gettin’ ta know The Naughty Librarian. *snort* Let’s see…what to regale you with…hmmm. Nope, that won't work. not to bore the shit out of our readers with random details from my life… *think*think*think* Well, I can’t promise not to do that, but let’s ‘on with the show,’ shall we?

So, I’m 35 years old, born and raised in the South, and married to Mr. Incredible. Seriously. No, he’s not perfect but I’m damn blessed and so I talk about him (and his magic peen and hands) waaaay too much. Don’t get me started. Our steamy sex has resulted in two children who rock my days & they couldn’t be cooler.

I grew up dreaming of Broadway. While I majored in music for a while in college, a musical career was not to be. Life has a funny way of morphing into something you never expected, and with those natural growing up type changes came new dreams that had nothing to do with show tunes, gay men or outrageous costumes. I have been a stay at home mom now for ten years and I wouldn’t trade it for all the apron lights in the world. Hopefully I am instilling in my children the things that matter in life: love, forgiveness, peace, hope and joy. Oh, and a ridiculous appreciation for music. ;)

Sometime last summer as I was discovering the joys of Facebook, I began to grow weary of seeing all the “Edward & Bella” flair and not knowing what it was all about, so I googled their names (I had never even heard of Twilight…). Or maybe it was “Edward & Twilight.” Anyhoo, my search led me to purchase the first book at Walsmarts a week later. Yeah, the rest was history. I have always been a voracious reader, but never have I read & reread a series like this one. To add fuel to the fire, I was/am a die-hard Harry Potter fan. When I saw that my yummy Cedric Diggory had been cast as Edward Cullen, well, the deal was sealed for me. Obsession, ON.

Somewhere in all my daily internet Rob-stalking….erm…site perusing, I stumbled upon the movie critique blog ‘the Movie Fanatic.’ They had several wonderful Twilight related posts, one of which included a segment on fan fiction. I had never had any interest whatsoever in fan fiction - not even Harry Potter fanfic. However, the piece that tMF did on Twilight fan fiction intrigued me. Why? They featured a wonderful writer who had written the ‘fade to black’ scene that Stephenie Meyer conveniently left out of Breaking Dawn. *coughcockblockercough*

Say wha’? You mean, four books worth of insane sexual tension might actually be realized?!?!

I clicked the link and have never looked back. Vixen1836’s Isle Esme drew me in with all its passion and ‘Edwardian’ lemontasticness. Soon I came to know the joys of ‘out of character’ writing, all-human stories, and even *gasp* slash fic. I’ve even been inspired to begin writing myself. The awesomely creative writers of fan fiction have provided me with laughter, tears, longing and many, many pairs of wet panties. ;)

One such amazing, creative soul is dollegirl - not only a gifted writer, but a stellar human being. If you’ve played on the forums over at Twilighted, you surely know her. Her signature all-caps type, Gerard Way avatars and snarky quips are just a few of her recognizable ‘mode d’emploi.’ Tha’s how she roll. While you get a feel for dolle’s humor and quick wit in her posts on Twilighted, those who check out her stories are consistently bowled over by her writing - I certainly was. Just go read a few pages of her reviews if you don’t believe me.

The first story I read by dollegirl was her one-shot, Art Model, which has also been featured here on the Perv Pack’s Smut Shack (I want to also note that Art Model was recently honored with an Eddie Award! Congrats!). ‘Hot and bothered’ doesn’t even begin to cover the condition this lil’ bit ‘o goodness leaves you in. It still remains one of my all-time favorite one-shots. I am truly humbled and honored to be collaborating with dollegirl on the upcoming TEAM EPIC venture, The Path to Resistance, for which dolle will be writing Emmett McCarty. I can only imagine how awesome Emmett will be in her very capable hands.

Today, however, I’d like to focus on dollegirl’s current on-going story, DID. Remember how I said dolle was snarky, funny, and had a quick wit? Well, not only can dolle write the hell out of some hot smut, she’s also able to give us amazing plot, lovable characters and funny moments that will be etched in your brain forever. I can guaran-damn-tee you’ve never read an Edward like this one…

The story opens with an awkward moment for our handsome Eddie. He’s standing in line for coffee when old family friend Tanya screeches her way in. She quickly pounces on poor Edward, who would do anything to avoid even minimal contact with her. Everything about Tanya is undesirable - her overly processed hair, face and nails, her too-small clothing, even her voice - and that's without mentioning her lumpy boobs. Bella, who has been watching Edward suffer from a distance, decides to step in, claiming to be his new girlfriend. Edward is a ‘Dude In Distress’ if she’s ever seen one.

After whisking Edward outside and away from T-Rex (God, I love that nickname…), Bella explains to gorgeous Eddykins how her much more bold and beautiful friends (Alice & Rosalie) frequently rescue men in precarious situations like the one he was just in. This, however, is Bella’s first time. Fascinated by his heroine, Edward quickly invites his new ‘girlfriend’ to be his for real. Well…sorta.

Edward would love to keep Tanya at bay for the next month while he gets ready to move to start a new veterinary practice in Chicago. He’d also love to get to know Bella more for real, so he asks Bella to be his lady for the month - no strings attached, no physical expectations. An arranged courtship of sorts. Now, Edward came off all suave and debonair at the coffee shop and on the street, but when Bella ends up at his veterinary clinic (trying to save him from a pissed, mobster-bred Rosalie), she finds out that her scrumptious new ready-made boyfriend has a secret…ahem…problem. You see, part of Edward’s initial delight in his no-strings-attached offer to be Bella’s new beau was that he wouldn’t have to try to please her physically. This Edward, you know the one I guaran-damn-teed you’d never seen? He has intimacy issues. Like, paralyzing intimacy issues. Picture Jason Biggs type poor timing/luck without the lousy hair.

Before you ask yourself ‘why would I want to read about a sexually retarded Edward when I can read all these other steamy, romantic Edwards,’ let me tell you why: because it’s fuck-funny, that’s why. And our dear, shy, clumsy Bella decides it is her responsibility, nay, her life’s mission to fix Edward Cullen, DVM. She is determined to ‘heal’ him of his woes - suffering through the kissing, fondling, groping, even sexin’ if she must. *snort* Suffering...right.

The ride we’ve been taken on so far is funny, sassy, sexy and sweet. I don’t want to say more than I have because I want you to read and enjoy it for yourselves without having too much spoiled. There are eight hilarious, enchanting chapters thus far, and I have it on good authority that another chapter is coming soon. Take a little time, grab a few tissues (for the laughs) and enjoy DID by dollegirl. I know you’ll love every hot, hilarious, awesome moment.

In the words of my dollegirl:

DEW EET. It’ll be like ‘warm towels on her heart,' and she just might kiss you 'on both yo cheeks.' ;)

Friday, March 20, 2009

"Bonne Foi" by Amethyst Jackson

Our Guest Blogger for the week is Tiffany a.k.a. Vixen1836

This week's Perv Pack Recommendation is...

Title: "Bonne Foi "
Author: Amethyst Jackson
Chapters: 7
Words: 31,163
Reviews: 1,059
AU. Edward Masen was changed in 1918 and abandoned by his sire. He feeds on human blood, unaware of any other way…until he stumbles across college freshman Bella Swan for a night that will change everything.

Guest Reviewer Tiffany!- This story can be summarized for me in two words: fucking delicious. Every update is a gem and with only seven chapters, I've found myself re-reading Bonne Foi frequently. I never do that. Jackson's style is delectable and full of colorful descriptions, eloquent language and emotional intensity, which is shocking considering that she's essentially painting a fascinating picture of a sinister, disassociated vampire Edward.Given the title and introduction of philosophical themes in the first chapter, Jackson is setting up the reader for the inevitable struggle within the heart and soul of this unique Edward. That's great, truly. But in the meantime, until he figures out that he can drink animal blood and redeem himself, his quintessentially psychotic and shockingly titillating internal monologue in incredibly appealing. This Edward leaves me feeling all hot and depraved, particularly during the scenes involving his pursuit of aggressive sexual satisfaction.From Chapter One onward, the reader follows the dark thoughts of this cynical anti-hero as he uses his charms to lure and seduce the unsuspecting (but oh-so willing) Bella Swan to a secluded spot with designs on killing her. And then, where most authors dangle the fruit of consummation throughout a woven storyline, Jackson jumps headfirst into intense and very gratifying instinctive sex. That first scene between the two lovers is rich in vulgar and yet...poetic wording. This is Vampward's first time with a human, and Bella's first time, period.After incredibly intense sex, the struggle begins as Edward battles with dual wills. Much like her canon self, Bella’s mind is silent to him. Although he wants her blood, he concludes that she could useful for future sexual encounters given that he can actually concentrate on sensation and not the chatter of her thoughts: "Alluring little thing…I wanted to have her again and again until her innocence was completely corrupted…and I could, couldn’t I? If I could take my pleasure and leave her undamaged, I could have her again…"As the story progresses, intense sexual encounters continue to make an appearance as character development unfolds. For the jaded Edward, selfish curiosity morphs into selfish possessiveness and by Chapter Three, Edward is fully entrenched in the charms of this innocent girl. He's slowly forming an attachment, unable to hunt and kill without seeing her face and unable to think of anything but their exquisite sex. Completely enamored but not yet fully grasping his feelings for Bella, he tracks her down and by all definitions, begins a very creepy, stalker version of "human" courtship.Of all the scenes, the slow seduction in Chapter Six is by far my favorite. Edward plays human, brings Bella back to his home and alleviates her insecurities about her perceived physical imperfections by performing a tantalizingly sensual strip-tease in front of a mirror, accentuating with words and actions all of the lovely spots he adores. In this moment, we see Jackson's mastery of her dark character.By forcing himself to succumb to his desire to console and comfort this human, Edward becomes gradually concerned with her needs and wants on a level that is unprecedented. Instead of callous grasping and swift removal of clothing, tender touches and caresses are bestowed on Bella during her erotic, mirror-facing strip-tease. Their evening transitions to fade-to-black sex, but there are subtle hints providing the reader with clues that a change is taking place. Despite the ferocity of Edward's passion for Bella, there is more brushing than thrusting, leaving the reader to assume this sex is more tender than their previous encounters.This excellent build-up is a slow seduction in itself. By lulling the reader into captivity with the use of colorful expressions and soft tone in the previous three chapters, Chapter Seven reminds us all of the impending conflict. After a shy conversation about fantasies, Edward convinces Bella to try her hand on top and although he is captivated by the delights of her body, for the first time since that first chapter, he truly, honestly stares down the enticing temptation of her bared throat with utter determination, beating back the urge to taste her blood only with the distraction of their mutually forceful orgasms. Later, as Bella nestles into his side, he continues to subjugate his darker impulses for her through the recitation of Byron.Despite Edward’s growing affection for Bella, Jackson uses sexual demonstration to remind us that the darker part of him is still a threat. Edward's sexual intensity and the carnality of his Vampiric instincts are all carefully intertwined to create the very soul of this unique story, but the precarious balance of his dark nature is something that he will eventually have to reconcile. As Edward finds himself increasingly captivated by innocent human Bella, his attachment is transforming into something deeper and more sensual. With peppered growls of satisfaction and properly timed thoughts of erotically fierce need, the reader and Edward find a new obsession in the intensity of this unlikely couple’s sexual compatibility.

Bri- Wow. Why oh why did it take me so long to read this fic? I am SOOO thankful this was on our list for recs cause I LOVE it. I immediately got wrapped up in the story. It's extremely well written and the author is able to pull off EPOV effortlessly. The characters she's created - Edward especially - are so utterly intriguing. I found myself growing more and more attached to Edward, just as he seemed to grow more and more attached to Bella - although he doesn't necessarily realize that. His reactions and precautions he takes are interesting to read and well thought out. I am honestly just smitten over this fic. And, oh yeah - I suppose I should talk about the sex, huh? To be honest, I was skeptical at the sex in the first chapter (it was fuckhot, don't get me wrong) - how that would work its way into the rest of the fic, but the author has done so flawlessly and realistically. I found myself reading with equal parts excitement and irritation. Excitement at the chapters and the characters and the read itself....irritation at how few chapters were left for me to read. I am so anxious for the next one to come out. I'm looking forward to seeing how Edward continues to battle his blood lust and balance that with his coochie lust. All in all, this story is so much more than just smut - it is extremely well written with very few errors and actually follows a plot. I can't wait to see where she takes these characters. 4.5 out of 5 panties from me.

Emmy- This was one of those fics I stumbled upon bored at work, until the cock-blockers blocked all the fun websites [FF & TWILIGHTED!:'( ], & I thought oh lets give it a whirlie... & I was transfixed by ColdRuthlessHeartlessHungrySelfishRandyWard... Yumma yumma. I love how his hunger for their hot sex overpowers his hunger for her blood (most of the time). I love how he is pretty clueless about the extent of his true feelings for her. How those feelings are intensifying & deepening all the time. I love how primal he is. How one-tracked he can be. & I like how Bella is also randy. How she lusts his body & touch just like he lusts hers.

I like how detached from the world Edward is. Yet how Bella makes him reconnect without him even realising it... How she is transforming his world... As this is happening, their physical union is not getting any fluffier oh no no. Instead they open up to each other even more on a physical level.. Edward is insatiable for Bella, believing it to be at first the fact that he cannot hear her thoughts.. But then relishing in her naughty side, her fantasies and her base physical and sexual reactions to him, his body and their deeds.

Besides the hot sex with a dark selfish edge. It is the transformation of Edward that I adore. He is clueless to it, almost. He has a slight awareness on his periphery that he is changing, but he cannot understand it & consequently makes no attempts to.. He brushes off strange tightening & twinges related to Bella or his actions to her. He performs what he thinks are merely acts, the charade of a human boyfriend to keep his access to her body & fruits, but he seems to do more and more of them without conscious consideration. Additionally he starts gaining pleasure from doing the acts correctly, outside of the sexual rewards. We the reader can see his deepening reliance and the changes he has made when he cannot. Bonne Foi is extremely well-written... I love how Bella, without either of them realising it, is showing Edward how he can improve his life, how he can be happy, content, at peace and fulfilled - instead of lonely and empty, fulfilling only base needs as necessary...

ColdRuthlessHeartlessHungrySelfishRandyWard is completely believable. I mean if it wasn't for Hot Damn! Hot Bitch how would a 17 year old who is transformed into a blood sucking creature & then abandoned, cope? Their existence, their hopes, their dreams, their family, their memories all gone.... Replaced by a hunger and no one to show you how to live, cope, be and love? Wouldn't you turn to the dark side... & Bella. Well Bella is canon with an interesting edge. She doesn't get why Edward is with her, but she is making the most of it & his insatiable desire for her. She has her own alienation from society that makes them even more ideally suited, in addition to this chemistry & shared, bottomless desire that neither can fight or explain. I enjoy the subtleties of their relationship, the subtleties of Edward's development & how well this contrasts with the intensity of their need and passion. Amethyst needs to be commended for this (& the hot dark sex!).

This is my favourite DarkWard. I am overjoyed when there is a new update for this tale, eagerly drinking down Edward's slick, selfish moves that repeatedly bring both him & Bella sexual pleasure and a wee bit more. A 5 pushed to the side as they only interfere with InsatiableWard out of 5 knickers from me...

Hope- So can I just say that I love this fucking story. I really fucking do. This is such a new and delicious twist on the old what if Edward feed on humans story. And it's in Epov. Really what could better than DarkSnarkySelfishHornyward? Nothing I tell you, nothing. So Edward was changed and abandoned by his sire. He has no conscience, no moral compass. He feeds on the tastiest morsels he can find, usually cute co-eds. But sex, meh. He doesn't do sex, not with that whole pesky hearing peoples thought thing. One night on the prowl for his next snack he sees Bella coming out of the library. She smells Divine to him, more desirable than any human he has ever smelled before. You guys know all about this already though. So he lures her away to a secluded spot to partake in her delicious blood. But he is intrigued and aroused by her. And he never gets aroused, ever. So with very little persuasion our Dark Eddie has his way with the timid Bella. Edward then decides that the sex is way better than her blood could ever be. So begins the charade of him trying to pretend to be human for Bella to the point of them being in a relationship so he can have his wicked way with her when ever he wants. And our dear Bella is more than willing to give Edward whatever he wants. This story is so well written and Edward in this is hilarious for his inner thoughts alone and for all the darkness more than a little endearing. He is perplexed by Bella and his need to know her. She should just be for sex and food. But there is something about her that calls to him. That keeps him from feeding on humans. To the point that he feeds off of deer instead of humans. She is in his head becoming his Jiminy Cricket of sorts. So the smut. Holy. Hot. Damn. Amethyst knows how to write her some smut. Trust me, this is some of the best smut I have ever read. And I have read a whole hellova lot. It's graphic, but not too graphic, kwim? You feel it, you're there. It's so lush and detailed it plays like a movie in your head. This is a defs must read for any Darkward lover. And anyone that is a fan of Vampward. Now go read! 5 "omg I need to do laundry because of all the panties I soaked through" out of 5.

Jo- Right, so seeing as how I love all things Darkward....yeah, this fic touches a VERY special 'nerve' for me. And a good Darkward, IMHO, is one who battles between both bloodlust & bodylust. Yeah, c'mon, vamps are sexy fucking creatures and we want them. Since we can't have them, we want to watch them have sex......what? Okay, so I have some voyeuristic tendencies, leave me alone. But this fic, is by far, one of the SEXIEST Darkwards I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Oh Miss Amethyst.......this woman can WRITE! The plotline of this story is ingenious in it's simplicity really. Take 1 part Sexy-Vamp-Humanhunting Edward, mix in 2 parts Innocent-MindReadingVampBlocking & Inexperienced-SexKitten Bella, gently stir in equal parts Detached/Ulterior Motives, New-Found-Vamp-Lust & a sudden case of Vamp-Conscience and you've got yourself a romance fit for a sadism me! Bella's sexual awakening in the VERY FIRST CHAPTER was...... unexpected (but brilliantly done). Edward's sexual awakening was POWERFUL and GRATUITOUS! (I mean gratuitous in the most loving and fangirling way). Seriously, these two need some ICE thrown on them....but wait....I take that back. Please don't stop. *pants*

One of my fave parts is the sudden inability to drink from humans, leaving Edward frustrated and hungry, and I do so love me a HUNGRY Edward. How she spins the change in his eating habits is really ingenuous as well. Like I said, simple yet brilliant. The plot turns and developments have been really well done and the only complaint I will EVER have with this fic is being left on the edge of my seat for too long! I do so hope that the next update comes VERY shortly for all of you readers.....God knows it's gonna be fuckgood. 5 out of 5 gratuitously wet panties from me!

Kasey- Oh this one was recommended to me by my fellow Perv Packers a while back, and am I ever glad that I gave it a read!One word: DARKward. Actually, insatiable, sexy as fuck Darkward.Here we have an alternate universe vamp Edward who is very much a predator. But not just a predator, he has distinctive tastes: young, attractive college girls who are easy prey under the spell of said gorgeous, charming, vampire. He makes no excuses for what he is and as the story begins, he is set on feeding off one unsuspecting Isabella Swan. Throw in some unexpected (on Edward's part), yet high octane UST in the mix and BAM! Powerful recipe for serious schmexin (with an interesting and captivating plot)! Amethyst Jackson brought her A-game on this one, dear pervlings, and you best not miss it! This version of vamp Eddie is indeed the one we all lust know, the one we wished would ravage Bella (sexually) over and over again in the Cockblockalypse (aka Breaking Dawn). Well, it's HERE, in Bonne Foi! Yay! Go. Run. Read! 5 out of 5 panty-droppers from this reviewer.

Kathy- I am not typically a Darkward fan; I can freely admit that... but this Darkward is different. I really love his internal thoughts and struggle. From Bella and Edward's first interactions, I was hooked. Edward has an internal thought in the beginning, after a discussion of existentialism, of, "I almost reconsidered killing her. The world could use a mind like hers." By the end of chapter 1, you realize that Bella really makes him feel. Somehow, even if it was just the great sex, he feels something more than bloodlust for her, a new thing for Edward. I love the little nuggets of information sprinkled into this story and Edward's constant thoughts about finding what he thinks is the right thing to say or do. Seriously, with lines like this, "I covered her cheeky mouth with my own. I’d make sure she was speechless before the night was done." how can you not love this fic? As the chapers progress, you see Edward grow and change in interesting ways. This Bella isn't high school Bella; she's been through that and better for it. I'm particularly fond of the shower scene in Chapter 5. There's something interesting as well as hot that goes on between them, after a morning of some important firsts for Bella and some firsts for Edward from Chapter 4. I think what I like the most, though (yes, maybe even more than the sex, although let's be clear - the sex here is ... sexcellent), are Edward's thoughts. After the hot shower scene, he totally cracks a joke about where he's been and his need to get clean. It isn't often that you transition from a super hot lovin' scene into laughter that isn't related to the cheese factor of said sex scene. This is such a well rounded and extremely well written story, even if you aren't a typical Darkward fan, give it a try. There's nothing gratuitous or violent here, it's mostly dark thoughts and smexy story telling. This is in my top 10 fics of all time and I always drop everything I'm doing to read updates. I can't wait to see where this goes, 4.5 out of 5 panties

Miya- If I'm going to read ExB, it has to be either dark or really fucking well written. This falls into both. Naughty, sexually-experienced, predator Edward and virginal, naive, closed-mind to him Bella make a wonderful read that will wear out your vibe's batteries long before you've finished the current chapter. Only Human was fanfuckingtastic and Amethyst does not disappoint in this and may even trump OH with this darkward tale. The Edward evolution as he realizes the benefits of sex with someone who can't provide a running commentary as well as his other problem that arrises with his diet, leads to a journey of his self (wrote sex and had to change it- you know where my mind is with this) exploration and you can already see the food meter switching towards vegetarian. Rereading this for the review was a treat. I have it printed out in my masterbilia binder under the bed so I was sitting and reading for a few nights. Hubby asked me what I was doing and I replied "I'm just doing my Perv Pack homework." He smiled and replied "I like your homework." My husband praises this story for getting me in the mood when he was in the doghouse so he could make it up to me a little more easily. Real life intervenes at times for the author but with her story you never have to go back and reread to know where you were, it's constantly on your mind and in your pussy, wait that's my vibe. The quality of this story is worth the wait. 4.5 out of 5 panties with the promise of 5 as the story progresses. Now, get off your twat and go read it, please. :)

Nina- After reading "Only Human" last year I swore to read a story written in fucking pig latin describing how much Edward loves chocolate chip muffins if Amethyst wrote it. Luckily she didn't write igpay atinlay uffinmay or however the fuck that works, instead she chose to grace us with the dark AU treat known as Bonne Foi. Talk about a journey of self discovery and not the typical path either of Bella growing into her own, finding herself, twatever. No. This is a detailed, haunting and fascinating account of Edward (all in his POV) transforming himself from a predator in its purest form to, well, a predator that's at least acknowledging (thank you deer) that he can sustain his life without feasting at the collegiate co-ed buffet.

Bella is very close to canon, the constant questioning wondering why he's with her but not in that sickening, sappy way. She's staggeringly intelligent which helps her cause of not getting slaughtered in the car because 'the world can use a brain like hers'. Intellectually she's stimulating enough to Edward to draw out her fate a bit longer, which lucky for us all leads to him needing to taste what other offerings young Bella possesses. Edward isn't the 108 yr. old virgin like he is in Twilight but he does make it a point to abstain from sex because of the vapid, idiotic thoughts of the few female partners he was with. Of course Bella's mind being a complete mystery to him only fuels his passion for her more but it backfires (thankfully) when he thinks he can just have her once and be done with her. I think his 'humanity' shows in the first chapter when he expresses concern for her after they sex it up because he took her virginity, he was apologetic for her discomfort instead of unleashing his previous typical behavior.

Of course, thanks to Edward, Bella starts channeling her inner wanton sex goddess when they're enjoying spending horizontal time together. Really though, snarkyhornydarkward can charm the panties off an entire convent. The difference though is them both slowly realizing that even though they've only known each other for such a short time, that their connection is powerful, unyielding and let's face it, fucking hot. I find her attention to detail exceptional with her lemons, the stark contrasts between her warmth and his cold. I especially like the attention in describing his sexual lust drowning out his blood lust for her.

I'm eager for these updates. Fuck! I say that with every story we review here! I know Amethyst is terribly busy with her existentialism learning (I prefer Marcel to Camus, just saying) and shit but when she updates I drop everything (seriously ask my kid) and park my ass in front of the laptop to read it. It's almost embarrassing. (almost). Regardless of the update time frame, the story is terribly addicting, with an storyline that has a ton of avenues to follow and I can't wait to see where she takes it. 4.5/5

Beks - The thing I like the most about this story is that its so NORMAL. Even all of the All-human fics I've read lately have placed Bella and Edward in very interesting, dare I say, extreme circumstances, but with Bonne Foi we get a very simple very straight forward fic with a sexy ass Vampward falling for a normal college co-ed. I didn't get a headache trying to keep up with plot twists and complicated set ups and was instead am left to enjoy Edward's determination not to suck Bella dry. The lemons are hot as hell and the story itself flows very nicely. 4 out of 5.


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

"Three of a Kind" by Lindseyfair

Weekly One-Shot Recommendation brought to you by ~JO~

Title: Three of a Kind
Chapters: One-shot
Words: 10,048
Reviews: 99
Summary: B/Em/E have been friends since they were toddlers. Now all 21 and Bella hasn't seen the guys since they all left for college. Bella is convinced before summer school starts to take a week long vacation with her two favorite boys. 2 horny guys, 1 Bella?

Hello there my pretty pervlings! JO (cullenitis) here, and it's my turn this week to give you a smutty slutty sinful little one-shot to wet your Wednesday.

First, let me start off by saying that the magical Ménage à trois holds a VERY special place in my heart (and my nether-regions) and I certainly can't get enough triple-pairing fics on my faves list (thank the pervy goddesses for THAT ficdom trend!). That being said, I figured I'd share with all of you this week one of the very first threesome fics I ever had the pleasure of indulging in, and one of my still favorites to date.

'Three of a Kind' by Lindseyfair rocked my lady bits in a hardcore way when I luckily stumbled across it this past November. When I finished reading (and panting), I was immediately sent into a ferocious frenzy searching out more threesome fics with a hunger that could have rivaled Edward meeting his singer for the first time. She opened the flood gates...literally. I could NOT get enough of this deviant plot topic and I quickly found my way over to 'Pretty Women & Jagermeister' AKA 'The Arrangement' as a result. For this, I thank Lindsey from the bottom of my boobies (trust me, that's quite the compliment) and for being one of the first authors to think 'outside the box' *snort* (Thanks Nina).

The story begins with a casual, yet sexually charged, lazy-afternoon couch sandwich, Edward/Bella/Emmett stylie....YUM. The tasty trio are all college students and lifelong friends on a week's reprieve in a hotel at [insert vacation spot you desire here]. Bella is on the West Coast, while the boys attend school on the East Coast, so this vacation is a long-awaited reunion of sorts for the close-nit triad.

One of the first things that stimulated me about this story was the effortlessly erotic conversation material that passes between the three friends while nonchalantly cozying on the couch. I felt an instant connection to the characters as they tease and taunt each other about sex lives and shaft sizes while conveniently dressed in nothing but swimsuits (wait....of COURSE I did, I AM a perv after all). True to respectable one-shot form, the kid's carnal conversation quickly intensifies and morphs into the ingenious idea of the two boys 'helping Bella out' with her little problem.

The wanton lust the boys experience is palpable and Bella's reaction to their suggestion is believable and HOTT! The lemons in this fic hold my standard easily and the dirty talk sent me into a groin-twitching seizure. In addition to the hot threesome action Linsey gives us, she takes this fic one step further, providing us with a serious emotional connection between our favorite Edward & Bella, which makes for a at the end! Yes, there is certainly enough straight-up heat in this fic to satisfy even the perviest of us and Lindsey takes it up a notch by providing a well written storyline on top of it.

So, take a break from your daily monotony, and get lost in this sweet and sassy little fic --- just be sure to give yourself some recovery time afterward! I hope you all enjoy my recommendation this week and be sure to leave the author some nice reviews and let her know that The Perv Pack sent you!

Ta Ta Loverlies,


Monday, March 16, 2009

PurdueLiz's has No Regrets about telling you a bit about her...

So I’m supposed to tell you a bit about myself. Writing one of these things is easier said than done, I’m afraid. I could start with a joke, but I don’t happen to know any good ones at the moment. How about a story then?

“She was a small-butted, cold-blooded lizard.” And thus Liz was born in West Lafayette as a Boilermaker way too many years ago (who btw beat Ohio State today to win the Big Ten championship!!!) I became PurdueLiz on the ‘net, even though my name is really Stephanie. Call me Liz, call me Steph, I’ll answer to both.

What else? I’m newly 35, I’ve been married for 11 years (together 16) to my wonderful hubby Brett aka LizLover @ Twilighted. Yes, my man has read the series and several fanfics, and sometimes comes to play on the boards. And don’t get me started on the car he bought. We have four children. Yes, four. Yes, I am insane. Wait for it. I homeschool them too. Jarod is almost 9, Alex is 7.5, Logan is almost 6, and Katie is 3.5. One thing that absolutely pisses me off and I used to hear all too frequently “Oh you finally got your girl”.

Anyone still awake and with me here? I first read Twilight last April. I read the books repeatedly, and while it sure as hell sparked my libido, it also sparked hubby’s jealousy. So I read them out loud to him, we bantered, we bonded. I swore up and down I would never read fanfic. You know what they say about “never say never” right? Yeah, it came back to bite me in the ass. I read one, then another one, staying with AU stuff. Then I branched out to AH. After that I jumped in headfirst and became a reading machine. I’ve lost count how many stories I’ve read, but it easily numbers into the hundreds. I’ve got a lot of time on my hands.

Around about October or so I started getting the bug to write a story of my own. I had several ideas pop into my head, usually while driving. After some encouragement from a couple of gals on Twilighted, I bit the bullet. My main story is More Than a Memory. I’ve had more than a few people tell me the angst almost killed them and for that I apologize. It will have a happy ending, I swear, and we’re getting to happier times now. I also have a one-shot I co-wrote with RedChevy called Candlelight Christmas. It’s a little Jasper/Bella piece that I really love.
I have several plot bunnies bouncing around in my head right now.

The first one I will do is actually what Bella’s book in MTAM is, changing it to use our beloved Twi characters. I’m also in the planning stages of a collab with xsecretxkeeperx (Lessons in Forbidden Love). It’s going to be called Justifiable Homicide and it’s going to kick ass if I do say so myself. I have a couple others that are just notes in my computer right now, but hopefully someday will see the light of day. An AU fic with Bella as a vamp. And a Jasper/Edward fic.

My story recommendation for you comes from the woman who shares my brain. Seriously, it’s kind of scary sometimes, but I love her. I’m talking about RedChevy and her story No Regrets. The summary reads: Love is sometimes denied, sometimes lost, sometimes unrecognized, but in the end, always found with no regrets. A Bella and Edward story of love, loss, choices and consequences. I started reading this story before I really knew Red and I fell in love with it immediately. It is so well written, it’s funny, it’s smart, it’s got tons of UST. She has an uncanny eye for details that I adore.

The chemistry between these two is palpable, even though with 13 chapters published, we’re only just getting to the two of them hooking up. Thus, there has been no hot sex yet, but I’m assured it’s coming (snicker) and soon. And if you’ve read Red’s Date Night, you know she can write a hot love scene. Each of her character’s is well developed and you can’t help but like them. Trust me when I say, you just might want this Edward to be yours. I know I do.

Now, go, read it and leave her lots of love.

You’ll have no regrets (yeah, I had to do it).

An Open Letter to the Brit from Alice

The following is a message to Robert 'Fucking' Pattinson courtesy of Alice Hale aka Feathers_mmmm author of the fanfic "I Love L.A."

An Open Letter To The Brit

Enjoying your fan fiction are you? I knew it...and for that matter....I knew it. Get you some, read it, love it. Shit, I do.

Riddle me this my Brit Pretty, are you an I Love LA fan? Hmm?

Let's think about this. Picture it, Cicily, 1922. I mean, LA, 2008. A lonely misunderstood hottie with great hair sits alone in his apartment (which he calls flat, because come on ) surrounded by empty Hot Pocket boxes. Taking a breather from his manic microwaving, his long and highly fuckable fingers strum absently across a keyboard. He has heard stories that there are stories on the internet, but does he dare? Does that make him his own stalker? He looks around the room, his eyes lighting on the cell phone with no calls. The empty bong. The fridge with nothing in it but beer and chinese takeout from Shalom Hunan.

"Fuck it," he thinks, and googles fan fiction. And he finds

And it begins...

So hey man, read on. Smut on. We don't think less of you, in fact, our estimations of you have gone up. Although in the words of one of the members of the Perv Pack Smut Shack (which I now definitely think you have visited), "All day long I have been looking over my shoulder, wondering if he is here...*flashes tatas*)

So my Robbie, if you are indeed here...we collectively flash you our tatas, our tits, our teeters and titons, and we hope you will take it in the spirit of how it was intended. Pure lust and admiration. And the hope that one day you will put your Mr. Pattinson between them...too much sharing?

And if I see a username like "noitsreallyme" or "obviouslyitsme" or "georgemcfantastictits" I am totally pm'ing you. And boo to anyone who tries to pose as a fake Robbie with these names. Remember loves, I can smell a lie like a fart in a car.

And hey, if you are an I Love LA reader, I hope you are satisfied with the giant peen and mad oral skills I have granted you. And here's hoping that someday they will both find me...

You like it HARDCORE AND WELL WRITTEN? Well shit, love, thats how we roll.


P.S. If you are reading this, send me a sign. Wear the demon beanie. If I see you wearing the beanie, I will know you are reading this...

And you better not be fucking anyone to Prodigy...dirty little birdy

Friday, March 13, 2009

"Bittersweet Symphony" by I'mwiththevampires08

We have our first Guest Reviewer this week...GEMMABOBELLA!!!

This week's Perv Pack Recommendation is...

Title: "Bittersweet Symphony "
Author: I'mwiththevampires08
Chapters: 24
Summary:Rose and Edward make a bet. Will the school playboy be able to turn Bella into a vixen and get James to ask her out to prom? Will Edward make a good teacher and teach Bella everything she needs to know? Oh yes, there will be lemons! All human, OOC and Canon

Twilighted thread for story
Our Guest Reviewer Gemma!-First, can I say that I’m totally geeking out about being a guest reviewer?! Yes?? Good, cause I am.Okay, on to the review … I’ve been reading this story since it first posted, and I have really enjoyed the ride. And can I just say, Edward can be my Sex 101 teacher any day? Cause yeah … Where was I? Oh! Right!Like I said, I’m proud to say that I’ve been reading this story since it originally posted, and I’ve enjoyed each and every chapter. I like the slow-ish build, giving us time to get to know the characters a little bit before things get more interesting. She’s taken a potentially very cliche idea, and made it her own, and for that I give her major props. Edward is cast as a player, and the idea of a sexually gifted Edward is always okay in my book. But the great thing is that he isn’t just a jerk. He has a story, one that took me by surprise in a good way. As for the steamy stuff – I really enjoy how it’s written. I’m definitely right there with Bella as she is constantly reduced to a puddle of goo courtesy of Edward. There is a ton of Dirty Talking Edward – which is a total win for me. I’m a sucker for the dirty talking. And when I say this story has a little bit of everything – I mean EVERYTHING! It’s great.
I’m glad to see this story featured here, as it is one of my must-reads when I see that it has been updated. And nope – Edward and Bella have not had sex … yet … The angst, the uncertainty, all creates an enjoyable read, even when Edward isn’t teaching Bella how to give a good blow job. I also think she should get an award for best use of a James. I love how he is used in this story. But mostly I love the way both Edward and Bella are so obviously falling for each other and refusing to acknowledge and embrace those feelings as they continue to explore each other physically, all in the name of a bet. I’m hopelessly hooked to this story. Each chapter is worth the wait. I am confident you will be rereading several chapters just like I have and will continue to do.

Bri- I started this story a while back - and the author was already a good ways into it so I was able to get instant gratification (<--hehe) from reading the smutty tales of these two kids. I know, I know...another fic with the bet as a premise. :sigh: Well, I guarantee there aren't any out there like this. Um - Edward Cullen as a sex professor? Yes please, and thank you! Not to mention that DTE is all over the fucking place in this fic and that's HAWT. If you're looking for some sexy times just for the hell of it, this fic has them (and then some). I will say the last chapter threw me for a bit of a loop. I found the whole scenario slightly hard to believe, but what the fuck do I know? I'm an old mom and for all I know, that's what the pervy teens do now. All that aside, I do love that it's not all rainbows and puppies (can you say dick bite?) and that makes for a happy reader. Not everyone is gonna get it right on the first try and I'll be fucked (<--alright) if it's not funny as shit to read Bella's mishaps. I give this 3.5/5 panties

This is an interesting story... For some strange reason, unbeknownst to even myself, I thought I would not enjoy this story and avoided it like the plague. Gawd only knows why! When I did take the plunge a wee whiley ago I really enjoyed it. I think what I like best about this story is Edward [cue shocked gasp from the reader, I know, I know I ALWAYS like Edward! ;)]. But this Edward is great, because he is so ruddy insistent in his persona. Who he is, what his ambitions re: women are: so uncaring and cocksure. And yet.. this Bella, comes in under his radar. Slips in slowly under his skin, until she is possessing more than his time. . . Yet his denial persists. Denial of the pleasure he gets from her. Denial of the chemistry they share. Denial of his protective/possessive feelings...

From that description, it could really be canon couldn't it? Well yes. Apart from all the mad experimentation of a sexual nature..... This Edward & Bella make plenty of tart, fizzy, tasty lemonade... and that is even before they hit the main event... Dear God, its going to be intense.

And what of Bella? She is also canon. Unsure of herself, unsure of her value, unbelieving and very poor at reading the signs. This Bella shares her denial with Edward. She is insistent on her ambitions with James... But what is her soul really saying to her? Will she listen? Will Edward listen to his in time? Lots of potential angst (!!!!) to cum. I hope the awakening and unfolding of these two as lovebirds as well as (and instead of just being) fuck-bunny continues.... My only slight uncomfortable edge with this excellent tale is the family set-up... They are brothers/sisters not through blood but have no problems seeing each other naked and in flagrante but I am sure that this is of no bother to most folk - its just a wee Emmy quirk.

I am very excited every time I see an update of this. Desperate for the deed to be done... Desperate for Edward & Bella to listen up and face the reality. Four out of five Lacy knickers for this from me.

Emily- I think I started this story back when there were like 5 chapters. I have a HUGE reading list and have over 200 updates waiting to be read. Yes I suck but shit that is why I am in the PP tee-hee. Anyway when I get the email alert for this story I always drop what I am doing, (unless I have toys in my hands) and run to read. I mean who does not want sex lessons from Edward? Is there a place where I can go back and time and sign up to learn from the master? Like Bri said there is tons of DTE and I especially like when Edward gives Bella presents to help with her lessons. I won't ruin it for you if you have not induldged in this story just yet. There has been lots of sexual tension and I feel like we really know this Edward and Bella as there is a good backstory that makes you care about both of them as well as the rest of the Cullen gang. As for the smut well it is there and the foreplay is killing me waiting for the actual sex to take place. There is so much to love about this story and I am waiting to see how Edward reacts to the attention I see coming from James. Can't wait for more and this sotry has caused many ruined pairs of panties 4.5 out of 5 for me!

Hope- So I read this whole story in about 2 days. That is a lot of lessons to read in one sitting...but so damn good. I'll admit at first I was hesitant about this story, I really don't remember why now. But I am so glad that I gave it a try. This is a high school fic and all of the gang are hyper sexually active. Em & Rose and Jasper & Alice are in committed relationships with each other. Edward being the odd man out, but perfectly happy to be so. He has his army of sluts as the girls call it to keep him warm at night and his needs met. Bella, the new girl is welcomed into the gang with open arms. A bet is made and Edward ends up giving Bella "sex" lessons. I know, you're thinking WTF? Trust me I was too, but it works. It works in a really big way.The smut is really good, graphic but not overly so. Dirty words and awkward situations abound. You can feel the hesitation and nervousness on both their parts. It's funny and smokin' hot at the same time. There hasn't been any actual sex yet, but when it finally happens it will be life-altering I think for both Edward and Bella. But what I am most enjoying is the slow build of the feelings between Edward and Bella. They know and acknowledge the sexual chemistry and attraction to each other, but the lines of teacher and student are beginning to be blurred. Edward knows he is not good enough for Bella and it keeps him from admitting what he is feeling for her. It'sweet. And Bella, she got into this to get James the object of her affection. But now she craves Edwards touches and kisses just as much as she craves for James to notice her. Bella thae sex kitten/vixen is emerging and Edward is finding his heart. It's a jumble of confusing and conflicting emotions. The angst is coming and it will be so wickedly delicious when it happens. Just like it will be wickedly delicious when Edward and Bella get down to doing the deed. 4 of Bella's soaked panties out of 5.

~JO~- Oh...Of all the pervy fucktasticness....could this fic get any hotter? That would be a resounding NO! I will be the first to admit when I began reading this delicious delicacy, I thought to myself, "Seriously?" I thought the plot was a bit far-fetched and too ridiculous for this fic to be any kind of serious...boy was I ever wrong! I thought at most she could only have some lemony-fresh fun with the plot line she laid out for us, but she does so so much more! Yes, lemony fun....check. Yes, groin-twitching fantasy "sex teacher" Edward....check. More realism and believability than you could imagine possible with a plot-line such as this? CHECK....and CHECK. Even if you find the story completely unbelievable, this piece is so chock full of UST and lemontasticness that your girly bits will get a never-ending workout! WARNING: This story causes involuntary does, I swear...and I got my workout for the week with this ditty!

IWtV08's Tutorward is seductive, commanding, sexy, and royally fucked when it comes to our fair Bella. His constant denial of feelings and focus on the task at hand makes for the YUMMIEST UST. And as douchy as he portrays himself, the author reveals to us the noble-nature that this Edward hides deep down. Her Bella is just a wonderfully walking oxymoron...sweet, innocent little DEVIANT...rawr! The Cullens are the sexiest, most pseudo-incestuous group of rich kids you could ever hope for, and I must say....she's got me LUSTING over Rose BIG TIME. Yes, Rose is HOT AS HELL in this story, so if your a fan of hers, this story will be a treat for you! She deliciously fulfills all my little pervy, deviant fantasies with this fic whilst still providing an EXCELLENTLY WELL WRITTEN storyline. All my goddamned panties are RUINED! 5 out of 5 from me.

Kasey- Having started this story while it was still a baby (in it's 2nd chapter), I feel intimately acquainted with IWtV08's version of Doucheward. Actually, he's more like Cocky Prickward, if you ask me. But alas, you say toe-may-toes and and I say toh-mah-tos. Same difference, right?So we began our little journey through Bittersweet Symphony (a GREAT freaking song, by the way) by getting to know a bit about the hyper-sexified Cullen bunch of Forks High, where asshole-ish/manwhore Edward Cullen competes for the title of "King of Fuck" with none other than equally sexy James (finally, someone paints him as a sex god and not some horrible, homicidal maniac). Now, who wouldn't wanna get boned by one of these two sexy specimens, both vying for that title? Apparently, all of Forks High does (and most of them have), including one shy, inexperienced Bella Swan. But in this story, Bella isn't vying for Edward's attention (what?!)...nope, she wants James. So, with the help her eions more experienced friends, Alice and Rosalie (who by the way bump kitties in their off time), they enlist none other than E.C. himself to 'train' Bella to be the perfect little slut fror James. Ca-razy I tell ya, but oh so good! Pretty much The Joy of Sex 101, but lucky Bella gets to practice everything she learns on Edward himself!This story is one huge ball of lemony goodness (there's girlsecks in it, people, and hot, too)! But ya know what? There's actually a plot mixed in with the lemons! Who'd have thunk it? But in all seriousness, I loved that all while Edward is generously giving Bella lessons of the sexin', he realizes that he has feelings for her, and with each lesson, their awareness of one another and their mutual attraction is heightened exponentially, despite refusing to admit it to one another. And more importantly, themselves. In a nutshell, this story is a nice blend of lemony goodness, angst, UST, romance, and hilarity. This reviewer is giving it a solid 4 out of 5 sopping panties for a sexy good time.

Kathy- Bitter Sweet Symphony is a smut-filled tale of shy new girl Bella who wants to catch the eye (and let's be honest, peen) of school hottie James. From the very start, there are hints that Edward is no longer “himself,” and it has been revealed why that is, but I won't spoil it. The story arc of Edward's losing himself is an interesting one; complicated, twisted and not easily or quickly resolved. In the beginning, he seems to be an asshole loner being slowly redeemed by Bella. Once the reveal of some of the complication in his life happens, you begin to understand a little of the motivation behind the character. Since this is an in-progress story, we don't have a full picture just yet of how (or even if) this Edward might come full circle and go back to being the person he once was. The other story arc of the bet with Rose and Edward 'teaching' Bella about sex is also interesting and the source of much lemony goodness. Edward is patient and kind with Bella at each step, and seems to be emotionally distant in the beginning. Things progress between B&E and even the others call him out for perhaps getting 'too close' to Bella, knowing his recent manwhore ways. Bella begins to feel addicted to the pleasure Edward is providing her and Edward's emotional facade seems to be cracking. I admit, I have utterly no fucking clue how this fic is going to play out. Edward and Bella might ride off happily into the sunset, or Bella and James might, or, maybe Bella, Rose and Alice will. The journey has been (and I am sure will continue to be) a fun one, and that's what I'm focused on. 4 out of 5 panties.

Miya- There are no words to express how much I love this story. I began reading it towards the beginning and have reread it so many times since then. The heart breaking news of what made Edward like he is, the feelings they are developing for each other... it's all so beautifully woven together. I've gone through so many batteries while reading this story that hubby may take my toys away. The lemons are steamy, the beginnings of their feelings for one another and how they try to bury them is so delicately handled. Bella's the naive, blushing, virgin much as she was in SM's and it's so believable as she is led through her first sexual experience. I only wish that I'd had an Edward to learn blow jobs on! When the time comes that Bella is to make her move on James, I will be all twitterpated as I hope she doesn't do anything with him, despite his kick ass abs. 5 out of 5 panties, plus a towel or two.

Nina- I started reading this story because I loved the title...then I hated the title because now all I do is sing the fucking Verve song constantly every time I get the ping in my box that this glorious smutty ditty has been updated. I've said it before, High School fics aren't really my thing normally, but I like sexually confident, characters regardless of their age (no, I take that back...old people that are sexually confident are skeevy) Anyhoodle, Sex Lessons with Edward. Yeah, sign me the fuck up. Oh yeah, Carlisle knows twat the fuck is going on too. Yeah, I'll show them both a thing or three. Okay, back to the story, Jesus see how sex talk with the Cullens gets me side tracked?

Okay, so Bella wants to nail James. James wants to nail anything that has a pulse and compete in the sexual Olympics with Edward. Well not with Edward but against him. Bella is less than experienced with men (or women for that matter) but never fear her friends and Edward are there to mold her into a sex goddess to ultimately help her pork James.

My favorite thing about this story is the two of the slowly realizing that they have feelings for each other regardless of whether they want to admit it or not. Edward is doing his best to push aside any feelings in his upper brain that may be leading him down the path of loving Bella, now he just needs to talk to his lower brain about standing at attention the second he thinks of her. Bella is slightly more expressive with her burgeoning feelings for dear Eddie but still has it in her head that she wants Jimmy boy (for now at least).

The funniest thing? They haven't had sex yet. But so help me baby Jebus on Easter when they 'do it' will shift the cosmos, break some headboards, bite a few pillows (on the bed not actual boobies). Their rounding of the bases is super tasty. Not just Eddie's lessons either (wink wink), I really want to tell you my favorite chapters but I won't you just have to read it.

The thing to stress here too, is it ain't all flowers and sunshine. There is drama. But it's not superficial, typical teenage, "Like omigod, you totally jizzed in mah hair." No, there is serious fucktified tension, some angst but at the heart of it all, aside from the uber hump fest and sexy times, they can almost be canon. Well sort of, if you squint a bit and pretend that Steph Meyer's middle name isn't cockblock, they can be canon. Regardless, it's smutterifically entertaining and I am eager like a hooker in line at the free clinic on condom day for updates on this story.

4.5 out 5 since they haven't actually been netherly connected yet.

Stephie- Me and iwtv08, we go way back...drooling over Robward and NFL players (Bears and Cowboys all the way bb). I remember when BSS first started. Being an avid reviewer of STIL (also worth checking out for shizzle), iwtv08 let me know this was...coming...hahahahahaha (sorry I am drugged up from a migraine). I gotta say, that like Nina, anytime I think or hear the Verve I will automatically associate it with this Edward and Bella. I love an emotionally damaged Edward (something you learn about later in the story) and his rise and fall through "recovery." What really drew me in was the fact that somewhat shy, inexperienced Bella wasn't chasing after Edward. She's chasing after JAMES. I love iwtv08's James. He's so similar to Edward in the fact that they are both humping their way through HS to achieve title of King of Fuck. You know James has to be one sexy bastard to even be in running with Edward.

The bond that forms between Bella and Edward is great. They go from acquaintances to friends to something much stronger that may not be quite hopefully soon love (I'm pointing my finger at you my friend! I'm getting anxious for these two!). Bella learns to trust not only men but herself, get comfortable in her own skin and take charge of a situation. You go along with her through all her firsts: kiss, heavy petting, oral, even her first date (which really was so fucked up it was funny...Tyler *shakes head*), and then the actual sex. I don't think I have read a story that had so much hotness without actual penetration. Edward and his piano fingers...Edward spelling out the ABCs on Bella...*fans self*

I'm really so excited to see how things come together for these two. I anticipate some heartfail before they can have their HEA...which they better have or I'm goin down to Texas to seek revenge! I swear to god all those notes being passed back and forth between those two have got to get one or both of them in trouble...(sorry I go into smut detective mode with this fic). Not to mention whether or not Bella will be successful in her conquest and what that means for Edward's side of the bet. Drama is a-brewing since separately they seem to notice a change towards each other...whether they recognize those feelings or not. Their "relationship" is so much more than a mutual agreemant to reach their desired ends.
Oh man. I gotta know! Hurry and write iwtv08! 4 out of 5 panties.

Steph- The title of the story is what originally caught my eye. Then I read the summary and thought "Hmmm, sounds pretty interesting." It was at least 10 or 12 chapters in when I started, so I got a nice big dose right away. I have not been disappointed, at all, every time I get an update. Who wouldn't want Edward teaching them all about sex? Sign me up please! Add in some Rose and Alice help, along with a little girl action, and UNG. The UST (though can we really call it U since they do have their playtime) between Bella and Edward is incredibly intense. You can see the attraction between the two of them and you just want to yell at them to figure it out already. But alas, they're silly teenagers and why would they listen to an old fogie like me? The backstory is intense and not at all what I expected from Edward. I am dying for the ulimate consummation between them and for them to realize their feelings. I give it a full 5 out 5 wet panties, because every update leaves my girly bits wet and tingly.

In addition to our Round Table Review above, we've also asked the author to share with us a bit about themselves...

I'mwiththevampires08... Okay so something to share... I'm 28, married for 12 yrs. Got three kids and work full time (which would be why my updates are not a couple of times a week). I live in Texas. Hmm...what else? I love Twilight and actually started reading the books while I was home with my newborn baby, kickin' back and chillin' like a villain. Alot of the ideas from my story comes from personal experiences (gasp!) or from knowing people with experiences like the ones I've used. Also, my hubby is the one to thank for the crude humor...he's my biggest inspiration because he is so dirty minded (lol).