Sunday, February 27, 2011

Team WussPerv: The Tour by WutherBites

Team Wussperv, this team is made up of myself, Emmy aka Pippapear, Jess aka Jessypt, Kim aka Kimpy0464, Kitty aka booboo.kitty2.0

& Trin aka TFX or NaughtySparkle.

I'm sure you're wondering what the fuck a wussperv is, right? A wussperv is someone that is...

A) Tragically canon

B) Loathes angst (when in massive doses)

C) Loves smut

D) Needs a Happy-Ever-After

We love to read new fluffy recc’s. :) Please feel free to let us know your favourite WussPerv friendly fic. It might be Team WussPervs next recc!

The Team WussPerv Pick is...

Title: The Tour
Author: WutheringBites
Chapters: 17
Words: 47,266
Reviews: 663
Summary: Bored tour guide Bella Swan is weary of dealing with the rich & obnoxious. That is, until Edward Cullen appears, nutty family in tow, to end her stupor. Can he charm Bella into breaking the rules while dealing with crazies in ten countries? E/B WIP AH

Emmy - Got the February Blues? Sick of Winter? Sick of being broke and wish you could travel round Europe? Well lament no more. Thanks to the wonder of fan-fic, you can travel round Europe without EVER having to leave your computer screen. What a delight eh? ;) Fancy drinking Ouzo and dancing in Greece? Want to meander around Italian cities and countryside? Or eating hot and sizzling German sausage? Yup this fic has it all!

The Tour features a world weary luxury-tour-guide Bella, fighting against the fatigue she feels not just for her job but for life in general. Enter stage right, Edward. Edward Cullen, the late tour member, late to join his family and the most life-changing trip of his well-traveled life. Wow. The chemistry between this Bella and Edward is OFF THE CHARTS! INTENSE. As well as battling intense sexual feelings, these two are battling the pull of one another as people, as individuals. Bella’s position as his luxury tour guide means she cannot make a play for him. But these two ‘click’ in a HUGE way. So they try and be friends, and their feelings intensify and sky-rocket from there.... **fans self**.

I could tell you about their dalliances on a moonlit beach in Greece, or their intense fully-clothed shower. Or the most intense Waltz in Vienna you will ever read. All of which is foreplay for these two and the most intense of teasing for us readers. But I won’t. I will let you read each salacious, tantalizing and steamy detail for yourself... You WILL thank me for it later! I promise!

So you all know by know I am a major Edward whore, indisputably! So this Edward? He is so damn cute and oh-so fit! He’s a total sweetie and a knight in shining armor. He’s a good boy with smooth moves and baaaaaaaaad skills! Plus he has a little something-something that makes me fall even harder for him... Hubba-hubba! Can I also say that since reading this I have found a new appreciation and love for Chai Tea? Why yes I have. There are a few key and crazy intense scenes that have led to this. **bites fist** Just you wait till you read them! Emmy is dead from all the tension and unnnnfffffyworthyness contained in just one cup of Edward’s chai!

As this is a WussPerv recc, I am sure you gals (&guy?) are wanting to know about the angst to fluff ratio? Well, at no point during thic fic did I have palpitations or panics about what was to happen. There is lots of tension - but all very palatable to a WussPerv. The story has lots of plot and development, but there is no unnecessary angst or cheating or heart breaking. Instead this hunky Edward and likable and sound Bella are determined to do right by each other and their future and aim to take things slow and rationally - but certain other individuals throw spanners in their works as a simple holiday tour turns into so much more for all concerned!!

One of the things that I love about this story is the wee side shoot of Rose and her twat-bucket of a boyfriend Royce, who has finally consented to Rose and him joining one of Bella’s tours. I love seeing Bella’s friend Emmett’s interest in Rose and how he attempts to pursue her. In addition from this interesting character development and sideline, the supporting cast are brilliant. They compliment Bella and Edward beautifully and inject extra humor and situation comedy to the story. A rag-tag group, including love-sick co-dependent newly weds; plastic fantastic trophy-wife Tanya, Gangster Aro and his heinous bitch of a spoilt off-spring (Jane), and the lovely Cullens (complete with their own secrets) and their family friends, Jasper and his (mad) Nana, Maria. Perfect! (& hilarious!)

I am not going to quote you any of the funny or sexy quotes from The Tour, as I think my fellow WussPerv’s have already quoted me out! ;) But do know there are numerous examples of just how funny, sweet and sexy this fic is. If you are looking for some sexy escapism, with a fluffy heart - then this is the fic for you. Relax, enjoy and get swept around Europe with a dreamy Edward and a likable Bella in the sexual tension filled The Tour.

Jess - I started reading The Tour when it was well underway and really enjoyed it. This story is light and fun and full of USTy goodness.

Bella is a tour guide for a luxury tour company, and she is gearing up for yet another tour. She’s bored, and while she loves history and culture, after countless groups, it’s become old hat. Cue the Cullen family’s entrance on the scene. Well, the Cullens minus Edward. As in canon, they are warm and kind, unlike most of the other primadonna guests (I’ll come back to them later) on the tour. Edward arrives just in the nick of time.

We first meet Edward as he’s running late to join the tour. This will give you a hint about Bella’s internal banter (which keeps up through the entire story) as well as glimpse of what she sees when he gets to her welcome table.

I still stared. I don't know what was wrong with me. Had I finally lost it? Had Jane cast an evil spell on me? I paused in my self-analysis as he brought his hand to his head, my eyes following his movements. He removed his hat to reveal the most beautiful head of squished bronze hair I'd ever seen. It wasn't similar to either Carlisle's or Esme's, but closer to his mother's caramel with a bit of penny copper thrown in for luster. He ran his hand through it and I thought I saw the action in slow motion, the strands separating and waving and falling. I really needed to bitchslap myself out of this lust coma. I am Bella, hear me roar! I did not so easily succumb to the charms of men. I was my own person and men were candy! Ok, I'd never thought that but maybe I had to now. Candy was tempting and tasty….no, no! Bad Bella. I willed myself to focus, and somehow managed to retrieve his key and packet, sliding them across the desk in his general direction. I felt a sense of relief as my motions brought me out of my trance enough to look away. I was ok. It was a momentary lapse, nothing serious.

Unwisely, I trusted myself to glance back as I caught another motion. Edward…ok no, he (can't slip up now), was removing his sunglasses. It was brutally slow, but not on purpose. An earpiece got caught in his hair, and his arm rose to disentangle it, wretchedly obscuring my view. Finally, the glasses were freed, the arm lowered, the eyes unveiled.

They were green.

Just... yeah. As the story progresses, we find out what he’s arrived alone, separate from the rest of his family, and late. And let me just say this... he smells like chai and warmth. Kill me now.

There are several things I really like about this story. First, WutheringBites incorporates so much realism in this story. I felt like I was back on tour in Europe as she tells stories and talks about the history, art, and culture of each place on the tour. I actually felt like I was on tour with the group. Very fun. The other thing I really enjoyed were the fun characterizations of the secondary and tertiary characters. Here’s just a sample of a few of them:

Jasper and Nana (aka Maria):
“He was quite handsome, fairly rugged with wavy strawberry blonde hair and a tall, wiry frame. He was completely overshadowed by the woman however. She appeared to be at least seventy, but approached confidently with a bit of a swagger. It was not her demeanor however that caught my attention, or that of the entire hotel staff in the lobby; she was wearing a pink cowboy hat, pink cowboy boots, an orange poncho, and fanny pack…buckled over the poncho.”

Aro (aka Arsenio McFee) and Jane:
Cocky “mob boss” who is arrogant and treats Bella like a second class citizen. Even better, is his spoiled, rich daughter, Jane. “‘Yes, this is my daughter. If she wants something, give it to her.’ I looked over at Jane whose previously set expression of contempt split into a grin so evil that I felt sure a few of my organs melted a little.”

Garrett & Kate Sherbotsky:
desperately trying to conceive and taking an assload of crazy vitamins.

Emmett is a riot as well. He plays the role of Bella’s friend and bus driver. His sense of humor is unparalleled, and he says some of the craziest stuff I’ve read in fic. Absolutely love him.

And a whole host of other characters that will keep you laughing and guessing. Watching them all interact and play was comical and reminded me of the many tours I’ve been on.

So, you know about the characters and you know about the tour, but what about all the USTy goodness I mentioned above? Well, Bella is bound by a non-fraternization policy, and she and Edward have undeniable chemistry.

I wanted her, very, very badly, and I had one month to do something to attract her. I knew that she liked me already or she wouldn't have made plans for tomorrow, but I wasn't arrogant enough to believe that it was more than just amusement or distraction from her job. One month.

"Are you attracted to me?"

Dear God, I was the lamest person on earth. I thought I'd spoken in a sort of breathy whisper, but no matter what, he would realize that I was pathetic and leave. I didn't want him to leave. Very, very badly. He continued to stare for such a long time.

"Intensely." His whisper matched my own.

Oh. I wasn't wrong and that scared the crap out of me. My lips opened to form more words and this motion broke his gaze. It shifted to my mouth and stayed fixed for another interminable period. I followed suit without my own consent, trying so very hard to turn away. There was some forward shifting happening somehow.

I didn't wait until he looked up, launching myself at him until we ran into the wall. My lips did their mugging thing, and he mugged me back like a New York professional. The chai flavor lingering in our mouths made everything seem spicier. He spun me around to press his body against mine, all the way, and I loved the strength of his muscles as they pushed against me.

One of his hands was woven through my hair, and he tilted my face so he could suck along my jaw.

And there’s plenty more where that came from... until they finally do it. And thank God they do, because I was about to die from the anticipation!

He entered me with the only slow movement we could handle. It was not relief or explosion or any sort of comfort at all. It was more fire and wildness and craze. I cried out something as he settled completely inside my body, and it was all true. All of me was his, and there was no going back.

My straining limbs clasped him to me, trying to impossibly draw more of him inside. I gasped in air before returning to quench my fire within his mouth, and the last shred of restraint I felt coiled within him was banished.

He moved with abandon. I clawed his back, his sides, as I gripped everything and nothing. There was nothing stable to ground us. He moved faster, thrusting and rolling his hips and driving me into complete insanity. A hand captured mine, fingers entwining, and he brought them both to rest above my head. It was contact we both needed, and I mimicked his actions with my other hand, joining us, weaving us together as he plunged harder and faster, turning me into molten lava.

Ciggie anyone? Seriously, this is a fun, easy read, and you’ll love the buildup and the climax ::cough:: is just as intensely delicious. I can’t wait for the next update!!

Kim - Oh, Wusspervs, have we got some fun and games in store for you with our lovely gem of a rec this month, The Tour! Having both lived, and traveled, in Europe, I was a tad wary about how well the subject matter would be handled. I needn’t have worried one bit-- WutheringBites
handles the subject matter with finesse beautiful authenticity. I’ve been having so much fun with this story, because it combines all my favorite elements of Europe and the travel industry along with the characters I love so well. And oh, WutheringBites’s incarnations of Edward and Bella are so much fun to read! Smoldering hot, fun, full of the UST I love so much. Her version of Esme and Carlisle, and all the Cullens, really, were just delightful. Jasper’s Nana made me giggle out loud with her zany nuttiness.

I think my favorite part of the story was that the locale was almost one of the characters in the story. No mere backdrop here, it played an active role. It enhanced the love, the sex, the fire and passion. I mean, when you have Edward sexing up Bella, how could go wrong with the European scenery? It’s like a wardrobe accessory here. The fact that Edward and Bella’s romance is forbidden because of an anti-fraternization policy only made everything so much more intense. I was twisted into bundles the entire time. GAH!

Now, the last thing I’m going to leave you with is the smoking hot lemons that WutheringBites
crafts up. Okay, so I’m a total h00r for hot, tension-filled moments that culminate in lemons that put the “citric” in “citric acid.” My other WPs have detailed so many amazing moments from this story, but don’t just take our word for it--go check them out for yourselves. I mean, really, what better enticements do you need? UST, Europe, Edward and Bella, an amazing, funny, delightful supporting cast? *points finger* Go forth, and read, my little Wusspervs.

Kitty - I gotta say my kittens, this little gem is Wussperviness incarnate. WutheringBites paints such a glorious picture of the tourist sights that I almost fee like I’m there in the tour group with the added bonus of watching Edward and Bella fall head over heels with each other, like when they are in the Venus Grotto at Linderhof Palace and Edward describes it as “grotesquely beautiful” making Bella see the beauty in it she’d never really seen before...

"There is great beauty here," I said, wondering if he heard the bewilderment in my voice.

"Yes, there is. Now." I heard him say this even though it was spoken in a near whisper.

The green, shifting shades according to the light, reminded me of Edward's eyes and I couldn't stop myself from returning to my original object of observation. I was not prepared to find him staring at me very intently. He didn't even bother to look away after the requisite three second period when embarrassment usually sets in. The softly waving water caused his eyes to gleam, brighter than usual.

I needed to leave this place. It was a terrible mistake to bring Edward here. I had no idea why I hadn't remembered that it was so romantic, possibly because it never had been before. Instead of acting on my instinct to dash away, I remained fixed where I stood. Thoughts flashed like lightning through my mind, settling on the persistent conviction to clarify what exactly was going on between us. After only one day, there was a definite "something". Had it really been such a short time? My mouth spoke words before I realized that I even thought them.

"Are you attracted to me?"

Dear God, I was the lamest person on earth. I thought I'd spoken in a sort of breathy whisper, but no matter what, he would realize that I was pathetic and leave. I didn't want him to leave. Very, very badly. He continued to stare for such a long time.

"Intensely." His whisper matched my own.

GAH! I love it when Edward stares and gets all whispery, it makes me all stupid in the head. Of course right then Bella’s phone rings and I wanted to reach through the computer screen and strangle Emmett for calling her. He can be such a butthead. Which brings me to another aspect of the story I love so much...Emmett. Pain in the ass, butthead that he may be, I freaking love him. His lingo is freaking hilarious and I found myself cackling on the regular whenever he would pop in with his words of wisdom...

I was left alone with Emmett then, but he was still a little glazed over.

"Hey Em. Caught in an estrogen web again?"




"Do you want to fuck my friend?"

"Huh? Wait, what? No! I mean, kinda, but no!"

*SNORT* Seriously! That cracks my ass up.

Now, I’m the first to admit that the interruptions when Bella and Edward are getting hot and heavy drive me to want to put my fist through the screen, but truly, I love it because it makes the moment the finally DO get to gettin with the hot sexy times all the hotter and the sexier.

He was all over me and gripped one of my thighs roughly to settle around his hip. I hoped the walls were made of thick stone, because I cried out loudly when he drew the peak of one breast into his mouth. I allowed that thought to escape in order to stop myself from unraveling right then. Too soon. Much too soon.

My arms and mouth must have been too insistent to ignore, as he abruptly returned his lips to mine and his hands to my thighs, lifting me to straddle his waist. I wasn't sure if his former blazing words had set me up to feel this threatened consumption, but it was definitely there now. I burned, and I wanted it. It spread like venom, and I craved the singe of it against my heart. I did not mind that I was completely at his mercy and that all his words were true. I knew he burned in equal measure.

As if in response to my unspoken desire, he gripped me harder and used one hand to strip a stocking off slowly, stroking every inch of newly exposed flesh until it was gone and my shoe with it. Then the other, even more slowly. He could feel the slick between my thighs against his stomach, and I paused my rabid sucking of his flesh to risk one glance into his eyes.

He was fire, licking flames and need that erased everything else. I had never felt so desired. No one ever had as much as he did, and I had to prove that this too was give and take, because I wanted him as much as he wanted me. I wanted his flesh in me.

He turned us quickly, his gaze not breaking from mine, and I felt the post of the enormous bed dig into my back. I unwound my arms and reached up to grip it, needing to feel something stable for just a moment. The feasting resumed until I was reduced to a gasping, greedy thing as my thighs involuntarily clasped his body to an almost painful degree. The sudden friction almost undid me.

It certainly had an effect on him. He ravaged my mouth, groaning, and ground against me. I let go of the post and purposefully fell backwards onto the bed, my thighs forcing him to follow. He crashed on top of me and quickly brought us fully into the middle. His hands returned but only to tease as he hooked his thumbs under my silk panties, drawing them down as I made it easy to be rid of the unwanted scrap.

His wicked mouth dragged itself down my body, pausing to enjoy my breast once more before heading to more uncharted territory. Swirling around my stomach and sides, he swept ever lower. I didn't know if I wanted this yet or not, because I needed him inside me when I came. I had no say in the matter, and I screamed his name again as his tongue slid languidly over me. He groaned and settled more fully into the bed as he gripped my thrashing hips and held me to him.

"God, you taste amazing," he muttered.

GAHHHHHHH!!! I could really go hog wild and quote eleventy billion quotes of the hot, yummy sexytimes, but then you’d have nothing to read, now would you? Trust, my little wusspervlings, you will LOVE LOVE LOVE this! There is laughter, adventure, pretty mental images and just happy good times all around. Like I said before, this is fluffy, happy, make you swoony, wussperviness to the core.

Run, wusspervlings, run your little wusspervy selves to The Tour and read your little eyeballs out!

Trin - The thermostat is reading 78 degrees outside today and after finishing The Tour it has me itching to run off for a European vacation.

The sweet delicious UST-y goodness of this story had made swooning so hard.

As the closing strains of the waltz sounded, Edward dragged me away from the center towards a secluded alcove under the staircase. There was no area that afforded true privacy, but at least this was away from most prying eyes. Now, my reluctance to be seen stemmed from a singular desire to keep Edward to myself, to allow us to progress as we wished with no interference.

He looked at me, his eyes sweeping my body in appreciation. I still didn't know what to say to him. I felt like a giddy teenager.
He leaned forward and brushed his nose along my cheek, stopping when his lips reached my ear.

"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," he whispered.
I let out a breathy laugh. He must be far gone to think that, but it made me happy nonetheless.
Hmm. Far gone. Was he really?
I dared to speak. "Are you drunk?"
"Only on you." He smiled against my cheek.
I couldn't laugh now. I leaned further into him and wrapped my arms around his neck. I would blow up the sun to get him to kiss me now. I could feel that his mind was on the same track.
He skated his lips along my jaw, towards my goal.
Kiss me, kiss me… I chanted to myself, desperate for this step in our dance.
His lips were inches away, millimeters really. My heart beat so hard that I could swear it would explode out of my chest with a few more breaths.
My phone rang.
We simultaneously sighed with remorse and anger.

This story was the perfect mix of fluff, laughter, unfity-unf, well developed characters and beautiful imagery of Europe. I guarantee your tender little hearts will love this story and have you ready to pack your bags today.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Pervy Picspiration

Emmy wants your words. (amongst other things...) Every week Emmy will post a pic or 2 - containing phwoarrrr-worthy blokes from across the seas, some hunks from closer to home and sometimes some dangerously delish knickers and lingerie. What do we want from you in return? Well...... We want you to be inspired by these pics and to leave Emmy a delish drabble or longer story inspired by the pic(s).

Leave your story offering in the comments section and, if you want to, post it to your FF account (pm the link to Emmy at mentioning the PPSS, by the following Wednesday. Each Friday Emmy will reveal her fave (entirely personal & subjective opinions belonging to Emmy) and at the same time post the next pervy picspiration for your pleasure. Non-Canon writers don’t despair - Emmy might be tragically WussPerv©, but there are plenty of equal opportunity pervs in the pack longing to read those if Emmy turp’s out.

Emmy is DYING to see what dirty delights you are going to come up with...

*Please make sure your story offering is in line with our mission statement

So here is a reminder of your Raging Rug-Action pics... ...
Did they inspire some rug action of your own?

And do remember we are now linking with TwiFicPics for a monthly pervtastic banner competition! Read more about it here Pervy Banner TwiFicPics Competition We announced Feb’s winner last week! Winner of Pervy Picspiration Banner

We got two fabbio entries this week. Both featuring the wondrous act of ‘self-love’...

First up the lovely LaurieLou returned with more from her great Pervy Picspiration Drabbles A very delish slice of an Edward thinking of things he shouldn’t? This features the suggestion of a naughty game that I would love to read more about.

Next up I am delighted to welcome the brillo TallulahBelle to our ranks. Posted only to her blog was this very scrummy offering. Just for us. I Feel You is fabulous and has me desp for more... Gah, I need him to know!!!! Any chance of some more??

Go show LaurieLou and TallulahBelle some love please! Make sure you alert/subscribe to them for more yummy treats.

So its a new week! Yep that means - New pics! Time for YOU to get busy and get writing new stories!

This week I want you got get in the kitchen and whip me up something sexy.... All my pics this week are set in or around the kitchen... French Rugby player Lionel getting more ice from the fridge... Sexy Italian lace lingerie from Christies being shown off in the kitchen... But you can take whatever the feck you want from the pictures - as long as its sexy..... as long as it gets you writing..... for me!

Write me anything - be it Slash, FemmeSlash, AU or AH, canon or even OOC... Be it a drabble, be it a one-shot or be it a WIP, just write for me. Make it sexy, make it sweet and tender, make it sensuous, erotic or downright naughty. Your call. Just let the inspiration take you - be you a BNA or an innocent virgin, wanting your Pervy Picspiration cherry popped for fun.

I’m waiting.........

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy


Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!

The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

An Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy Special on Grooming and Bare Kitties

Special thanks to the Queen of Bare Kitties (yes, her tiara has already been awarded), BRI/ANTIAOL,
for agreeing to take on this special post with the diligence of a true scientist. THANK YOU. <3

I know that bare kitties are all the fandom rage, but whenever I wax or shave, I get ingrown hairs that are wicked unpleasant. Can I prevent them, or should I try to bring back the popularity of the natural look with a pube parade?

Well, first let me say that you should do to your pubes whatever the hell you wanna do to them. If you wanna go au naturel, then do it, baby. But if you want a more, erm, tame (?) look, then let's talk about what you can do to prevent or help those pesky ingrown hairs.

First, I don't suggest shaving. It's a pain in the ass (sort of literally), and you don't even get that truly smooth skin. If you're waxing and still get the ingrown hairs, I'd suggest trying No Trauma Momma, which really does work (along with another product of the same line: No Scream Cream). Be generous with the NTM, putting it on as soon as you get home from waxing, then 2-3 times per day after that (for roughly 2-3 days). You'll probably still have a little redness, but it shouldn't be nearly as bad. Also, I've heard great things about Tend Skin, and even have a bottle, but find that I don't use it now that I've fallen in love with No Trauma Momma. You should be able to get all these products at your spa, or you can order online.

What are your thoughts on personal grooming? I used to shave all the way "down below" because an ex-boyfriend wanted me to, but its gotten old quick and usually just leaves me with gross razor burn. How do the majority of women keep it, and what do guys like? What do you think is the best?

Boy am I glad you asked. Why? Well, because it gave me an excuse to run a (very informal, very possibly inaccurate) survey from 100 of the perviest women I know (aka: Twi-h00rs). Now, before I post the results, let me preface this by repeating what I did for the first question: If you don't want a bare/smooth/groomed kitty, don't have one! What's "the norm" or not really doesn't matter in the big picture, right? Cause, let's face it: it's your cooter that has to feel the pain of waxing. ;)

Now, onto my (obviously highly scientific) poll. I asked three basic questions. 1) How do you keep the lady bits groomed? 2) How does your partner prefer you to have your bits groomed? And, finally, 3) On average, how have past partners preferred it?

Here's the breakdown for each: (conveniently provided via PIE charts)

I'm a 22 year old virgin with some questions about shaving down there. I've never shaved down there (because I'm lacking the motivation and/or desire to impress anyone) with the exception of around the bikini line to wear a bathing suit and I'm just wondering about logistics. I have trimmed down there to make everything a bit "neater" but it itched like a son of a bitch after, and I'm wondering how much more it would itch if I shaved the whole thing off... or do you just have to shave every day to prevent that, because quite frankly that seems like a pain in the ass? Then there's my curiosity about how difficult it is to actually shave down there... I mean there's a lot of nooks and crannies, and it just seems like it'd be a bitch to do that all the time, especially trying to reach around to the back.

Is that something guys are really looking for--girls to be pretty bare, or at least trimmed up down there? 'Cuz right now I'm rocking the au naturel look but I'm curious about switching it up. I'm also wondering about any health implications--I think I read somewhere that it's healthy to have hair down there because it draws away unnecessary moisture... is that at all true? Man, I've been wordy... clearly, I'm very curious. haha. thanks for any answers you can give me.

This is a whoooooole-lotta question, haha. I'mma dissect it and attack it piece by piece. :) First, yes, it will itch if you shave everything. It just does, unfortunately, unless you're one of those lucky (and rare) women who don't get the itchies, don't get bumps or razor burn or ingrown hairs. As for difficulty of shaving down there, it's actually not that bad. It takes a couple different razors, but if you have the right tools, you can get the job done. For the larger parts (above and around the pubic bone, and along your bikini line), I'd use your regular razor (a fresh one). Then, to get into the nooks and crannies, Noxema makes these neato bikini shavers that are small and precise and work wonders. Use those for all the tiny places that are sort of hard to get to. Also, I hope it goes without saying, but foam up. Put loads of shaving cream on to help with the razor burn.

As for what most dudes like, see the above poll. Yes, it seems on the whole that the vast majority of men prefer something at least trimmed, but again, it's your lady bits that are put through the wringer, kwim?

As for health concerns, I'll let the actual nurse answer those questions since I'd just be blowing smoke out of my ass.

Thank you, Bri, for doing such a thorough job with my readers' questions! In regards to your question about pubic hair and vag health, let me just say this: In terms of evolution, pubic hair developed for a reason. One of those reasons is, indeed, wicking perspiration/moisture away from the delicate skin of your lady bits. It also helps keep the area clean. In reality, you could wear a bare kitty for the rest of your life, and your vag would be just fine. You'll notice that you sweat more without the public hair, but that's about it. There are no scary health ramifications from a hairless coochie, so don't let that be the deciding factor in your choice.

I feel weird asking about this, but I'm glad this is somehow anonymous.
You said on the previous post (Feb. 3rd) that hair on the nipples are normal and I'm glad about it.
But I also have hair on the weirdest place. I have them from my belly button and down. Kind of like a happy trail on men.
Is that even normal? I'm Asian, but I don't know if that has anything to do with it.

As always, there are no weird questions here at Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy, just questions that need honest, nonjudgmental answers. Trust me, every question is completely anonymous, so there is no risk that I will ever find out who you are.

In magazines and nearly everywhere you look, women's bodies have been altered to reflect society's current preferences. Models don't have any unnecessary hair anywhere--under their arms, on their legs, in their bikini line, on top of their lip, you name it. Reality, however, is very different than what you see in advertising. The naked truth is that women have hair in all sorts of places where they feel it shouldn't be. It is completely normal to have hair in any number of places, trust me on that.

You mention that you are Asian. While being Asian per se doesn't mean you have a specific hair growth pattern, Asian hair is, by nature, thick and black. As such, it is more readily apparent when it grows in places where you don't want it to be. One of those places is in the groin, happy trail, upper thighs, etc. If you sit down and part your legs, look at your inner thighs. Chances are, if you are hairy and have dark hair, you will see some errant pubic hairs that grow down to the middle of your inner thighs. It's incredibly annoying, but totally normal.

That being said, there are a few instances where excessive hair growth can be cause for medical concern. If your hormones are out of balance, and you are secreting excess amounts of androgen, it is possible to experience beard-like growth on your face or even chest hair (I mean more diffuse chest hair, not just some hair around the nipples). That isn't normal, and it could signal an endocrine imbalance or disorder. Should you be experiencing that kind of hair growth, I encourage you to speak to your doctor about it.

Another kind of hair growth that would be cause for concern is very thick pubic hair that runs down onto your legs, and can also look like a happy trail in between your belly button and pubic bone. This could be a sign of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, or PCOS. It makes you more prone to having Type II Diabetes, you have a lot of fluctuation in your estrogen and progesterone levels, so you don't ovulate in a regular pattern, and you have multiple cysts on your ovaries. One of the telltale signs of PCOS is a very hairy nether region. I suggest you talk to your gynecologist on your next visit to see if you need to be tested for PCOS. In all likelihood, you are fine, just hairy... but it is always good to know nothing else like PCOS is a factor.

Is it really unattractive if you are very hairy in certain areas?

The bottom line is that you are the only one who can decide whether or not it is attractive. If your partner prefers you to look a certain way, and you're okay with that, no problem. However, if you really like to be au naturel, it's your call. Unattractive is a relative term; society has all kinds of values and ideals regarding what is beautiful and what is not. It is also a very subjective term--ask 100 people what they consider to be attractive or unattractive, and you are likely to get 100 different answers. Decide what you like, and then rock that look with no apologies. If your partner prefers for you to look another way, you can negotiate that with them, but you are the one who will be dealing with the maintenance, cost, and pain associated with some types of hair removal. Ultimately, it is your choice.

Do you have a question for Naughty Nurse Kimpy? Click the banner below, fill out the form, and get your answer in the next installment of Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Lemon Report 2/22/11

The Lemon Report - Fancy finding out what is on the FF bookshelves of the Pervy Girls of the PPSS? The lemon report lets you know our personal favourite updates of the week, and why you should give the fic a try.... It’s a great place to trawl for new recc’s and don’t forget to share your favourite update with us by leaving us a comment.

Acronym Guide
AU - Alternate Universe
AH - All Human
WIP - Work in Progress
O/S - One Shot
OOC - Out of Character
WP - Wussperv
Slash/Femslash - Features homosexual characters and romance.

AH, O/S, Slash, James/Riley

Jeanne - Holy Hell! TruceOver has done it again. This time with a sexy and hilarious little romp at the airport. Poor college student Riley gets stopped at Security for some suspicious (hehehe) items in his bag, and fuckhot James gets to give a special check.

Riley is adorable, and sweet in his embarrassment. While James is insanely hot in his uniform and almost Dom-eques commands. The sex is short, but so good. It’s the perfect little shot of hotness to wake you up in the morning.

Chele - Oh, Hotness. I will never look at airport security the same. I like to think that James booked a flight on Riley’s plane and there is some mile-high action happening right now.

Jen - If this is what’s happening in the TSA questioning rooms then I think we need to demand viewing windows and pay-per-view or something. I’m with Chele on imagining a happy ending for James with Riley at some point in the very near future.

Jess - So, when I saw this pop into my box, I died laughing at the title and summary - "I love a man in uniform." I mean, seriously, who doesn't want to read that... and then to find James (who I imagine as Cam) and Riley (Xavier), sweet holy mother kill me dead. And hot... hot does not even describe the sexiness of this funny little one-shot.

Emmy - This is so hot and yum and lovely! Its a brilliant slice of fun. I love how Riley is freaking out about his interfering mother, until he gets the distraction of his life instead of a reprimand from the security bloke - ( I can’t rem what you call them stateside - they have some kind of fancy name I think). But anyways, hot yummy ensues. LOVE it! :)

AH, O/S, Charlie/Alice

Jeanne - I don’t know how I only found this beautiful story now, but I am so glad I did. I (like Chele) am a true believer that Charlie/Alice has roots in canon. afragilelittlehuman does a wonderful job of easing you into their loving, sensual connection. Be brave, open your mind (and legs) to the possibility of these two finding happiness and love together.

Chele - I am a firm FIRM believer that there is basis in canon for a Charlie / Alice Ship. I love what afragilelittlehuman did with this. Giving them the chance to transform their forbidden desires into a passionate love.

Jen - Oh, how I love this story; I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read it. My non-canon ‘shipping heart did a little dance watching Eclipse in the theater when Alice emerged from the Swan home after a visit with Charlie. I really do believe that Charlie always felt something for Alice. This six chapter AH telling of Charlie and Alice’s love story is so very sweet.

Jess - And hello Jess, welcome to Team Anything Goes! This Alice/Charlie story, my first of this kind, completely blew me away. In my head I could see the playfulness of their relationship from the books playing out before my eyes into a beautiful, challenging romance between an older man and a younger woman. Seeing their passion, devotion, the pain of hiding it, and the pain of it being discovered, while also their need and desire to cling to each was heartwarming.

I was initially afraid I’d be totally squicked (sp?) out at the idea of sex between these two, but again, surprise, it was so perfectly well-written. Charlie’s tenderness and attentiveness, coupled with Alice’s quiet exuberance and deep affection... love, really between them both, showed up in such a beautiful and sexy way.

I’m also excited about the side story that will result from this Alice/Charlie lovefest. I’m dying to understand what really transpired between Edward and Bella. Very exciting... afragilelittlehuman is on author alert, and I’m anxiously waiting!


Chele - Fuck, this chapter was amazing. It was like actually watching Edward bloom; all his potential, all his passion, finally bared. Touching, beautiful, and intensely hot.

Jen - I think it’s safe to say that TheLadyinGrey has written some extremely damaged Edwards in her multi-chap fics Love Amongst the Ruins and Our Lives Unbound. So it makes sense to me that I’d feel tremendously proud of both of these Edwards when they overcome their pasts. OLU Edward has been making such amazing progress, and in this chapter he conquers some of his largest demons. It’s gorgeous and moving and the lemon is a symbol of both his growth and his deep love for Bella.

Jess - I feel like I am constantly humping the TheLadyinGrey42’s leg over this fic, but I just can’t help it. It’s like every chapter brings these characters to life in a more robust and vivid way. This chapter was no exception. Seeing Edward snap, find himself, and stand up for what he believes and knows to be true was absolutely awe-inspiring. And then, to see him take from Bella and for her to give was such a vivid depiction of the journey and progress he's made. Just amazing... and freaking hot!

Trin - Oh how I ADORED this chapter!!! Like Jess I feel like I’m always humping but I can’t help it. So very lovely and just wow! I was so proud of Edward in this corny as it is to say it gave me chills.

Emmy - You must be sick of me always wittering on about this fic. But seriously. Wow. Amazing chapter. I adore this Edward so much. Such an intense and perfect chapter. What I love about this is how much what transpires between Edward and Bella means to Bella. The love and pride she has for him radiates throughout this chapter. Just lovely! (& fuck hot!)

Kimpy - Yes, I love TheLadyinGrey42. This isn’t news. But damn, I just can’t help myself for getting twisted into pretzel formations over everything she writes. This chapter was especially meaningful because of the progress Edward has made. NGL, it’s almost against my nature to dislike an incarnation of Carlisle, but OLU’s version needs to be junk punched and put into his place. *kimpy rolls up sleeves and prepares the barrage* To witness Edward take control, and to see him be assertive? As hot as their sex life is already, this version of empowered Edward’s sexytimes was UNF with a capital “U.” If you aren’t reading this already, I highly recommend it. As hot as the lemons are, it is the story wrapped around those lemons that makes them even steamier. RAWR

AH, O/S, Bella/Carlisle

Chele -If you’ve been waiting to read about a Carlisle that can fuck his partner into a state of semi-consciousness, then make sure she stays awake so she can enjoy his continued fucking? Your wait is over. Brits23 is holding nothing back here in her efforts to satisfy our perviest desires. There is wall fucking, tongue fucking, mouth fucking... I think there’s even nose fucking. I would swoon, but I am still dead from the wickedness. Awesome. If you are a Carlisle-loving perv, you have no excuse for not having this story on alert. Yesterday.

Jeanne - I don’t know what I did to deserve all this smutty Carlisle/Bella fic, but I am loving it like no body’s business. In the latest chapter of Masterperv Theatre we meet married Dr. Carlisle and his lover Bella taking a moment to get nasty with his iPhone. The Dirty Talkin’ doctor gives Bella detailed instructions on how to perform for the camera. This is shit is hot, dirty and very fun to read.

Jen - This Carlisle/Bella o/s is dirty, dirty stuff. There’s something raw about Carlisle telling Bella what to do, all while he’s filming her on his iPhone. Carlisle and Bella make no apologies for their sexuality and their desperate attraction and physical need for one another. Unf!

AH, O/S, Slash, Jake/Edward

Chele - As if Edward as a porn star wasn’t enough, Edward as a gay porn star? I simply couldn’t be happier. Jacob loses a bet, and is suspiciously insistent on fulfilling the resulting obligation to audition for an all-male porn company. When it turns out that his audition is for a scene with Edward? Well, the star of the show is going to need to conduct this interview personally. Unf. Edward’s cheeky dominance is perfect, and Jake’s fixation, divine.

Jeanne - I LOVE Edward/Jacob. LOVE! I need more fics about them falling love, and fucking. Lots and lots of fucking. Edward as a pornstar is perfect, but the added delight of a straight falling in lust with him. Yeah, Starry_nights88 had me trying to hump my monitor. If you like a sexy, confidant, gay Edward, drop everything and read this fic NOW!

Jen - I just love Jacob in this o/s. He doesn’t seem completely freaked out by his attraction to Edward and there’s something so sweet about him. He could get out of making good on the bet, but he’s so good natured about it, and yeah, a lot bit curious. When the man who inspired his hard on is the one to audition him, Jake is caught off balance, but he goes with it and gets what his body desires. I really hope that Starry_nights88 is planning to continue this because I need more of these two characters.

Jess - After much humping on one of our threads, I decided to read this, and thank sweet baby jeebus I did. Jacob is awesome in this o/s that I’m praying will become more (please Starry_nights88 please!!!). I love that he stuck to his guns and followed through the bet, and I love that he hardly uttered a word when Edward finally got to him. And who would with smoldering eyes and the body of fhot pr0n star?! Just delicious and light and yum!

Emmy - Hubba Hubba Yum-Yum... That’s really all I can say about this.. Are we going to get a round two? PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Gah, this was great!!! But I am totally wired and waiting for more. MOAR I tell you. So much unresolved... Their tension is unnnfffff. I love the older dirty confident Edward and the Jake who is young, confused and dying for Edward.. (I so wanted to say “young, dumb and full of cum” LMAO, bwahahah - But Jake is NOT dumb - he’s just trying to get his head straight. Lucky Edward wants to help out one head whilst hopefully helping Jake figure out the other..... Bring on the porno.... (PLLLLLEEEEEEeeeeeeAAAAAAAASSSSSSSEEEEE) (ps - I love porn-set ff) (not just porny ff - although I like that too! LOL)

AH, O/S, Carlisle/Bella

Jeanne - I think that it’s important for me to take a moment to tell you (the readers) something. I will never judge your taste in smut. NEVER. One of the things that is wonderful about written erotica (smut, porn, whatever) is that it allows us to explore our sexuality in a very safe way. We, the readers and writers, are the only ones at risk when we open the doors to our desires. Even when the desires are very dark, or taboo in nature. It is our right to explore them in the safe confines of the written word.

That being said, HOLY SHIT this story is so hot, dirty and wrong I just had to share it with you. AmeryMarie has King Kong sized balls for tackling the sex taboo of cheating. Bella is dating Edward, Carlisle is his father, but that doesn’t stop them from giving in to their intense attraction. When they finally get a moment alone to act on their feelings, and have some the hottest, smuttiest, and down right dirty sex (not to mention nastiest sex talk) I have read in a long time. This isn’t the sweet, kind Carlisle you know. He is Dominant (with a capital D), and says some pretty degrading shit, but that’s half the fun of it. If you’re into cheating stories, dirty talk, and an extremely dominant man this is the fic for you. Be brave, give it a read. I promise, it’ll be our little secret.

Jen - If you decide to read this o/s just be sure to make sure NO ONE is going to disturb you for a while. Trust me, you do not want to be interrupted when reading this. UNF!

Chele - This is a rather particular kink executed flawlessly. AmeryMarie held nothing back in this debauched tale of needy fucking; giving every detail necessary to make it feel naughty and wrong and insanely erotic.

E/B O/S Complete Fluffy AH

Emmy - This is an adorable piece of Valentines fluff. A long and substantial (but never drags!) one-shot featuring shy junior assistant Bella who is hopeless for Editor Edward. Alice has plans one Valentines for Bella to get over Edward, but what happens when the play goes awry... Is there more to Bella and Edward’s interactions than Bella can see. Fluffy and sexy - this is a brillo one-shot of romantic smut!

Jess - This was a fun little bit of Valentine’s day love. I won’t recap what Emmy said above, but suffice it to say a steamy executive Edward and a junior assistant Bella navigating the waters of sexually charged unrequited crushes in corporate America is just pure sexy fun...


Jen - For All Eternity is a collection of one-shots related to the AU Zoya Zalan created in her fic First Night. In this universe, you marry one member of the coven, you marry them all. This is my favorite one so far. Bella’s on a self-imposed sex-bargo because she’s in finals week at university. She and Carlisle both find themselves aroused after a routine financial discussion, but Bella sticks to her guns. Lucky for Dr.C Edward is around and is more than happy to relieve the situation in Carlisle’s pants with what is possibly one of the best blowjobs I’ve read in fic. There’s more lemony goodness, including Bella and Carlisle’s tryst. I love Zoya Zalan’s universe and look forward to more from her and this polyamorous coven.

Chele -The entire content of the AU that Zoya Zalan for this series is just completely beautiful. I am thrilled at the level of love and intimacy that is depicted, and it makes my little pervy heart sing each time I see a new vignette post which gives another sexy, emotion-filled glimpse into the lives of this loving family. The combustion which occurs as a result of Bella’s self-imposed celibacy is an inferno. Loved it.

AH, WIP, BDSM(ish), E/B (but B with others)

Emmy - First up folks, I have to issue a warning.. This IS a Bella/Edward fic. They work together him as Dean Cullen and her as Miss Swan at the same university/college thingie and they participate in a fully consensual BDSM relationship. BUT they enter into a game one sexually frustrated week.... This game means that Bella sleeps with a variety of her university students - male and female . SO - although Bella and Edward are the main focus of this story - their games are detailed.....
Anyways - its good, hot fun. Edward is a possessive controlling arse - and its hot to read! :D Bella is a horny mess. Its not a serious story, its more lighthearted, sexy and entertaining. This is only two chapters in, but the companion piece that started it all off (3POV) of Bella and her dalliances with her students is here: Making the Grade.

AU, Outtake, Paul/Bella

Teal - Miror Quaenam Sis Tam Bella may be over *sniffle* but MeraNaamJoker brought back the hot hot heat for a short and still smutriffically delicious little outtake. I squee’d and flailed when I saw this in my box, and getting a taste of some Paul/Bella action again was a fantastic treat. If you haven’t read the original story yet, GO now, then enjoy this outtake!

Chele - This small glimpse into Paul’s mind was everything I had hoped it could be. Emotional, erotic, conflicted, and simply beautiful.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Perv Pack Pick: She Gives Me Religion by Liz Lemon Bennett


The Perv Pack Pick is....


Title: She Gives Me Religion
Author: Liz_Lemon_Bennett
Chapters: 7
Words: 68,423
Reviews: 310
Summary: Hot-headed seminary student, Edward Masen meets just widowed bride Bella Swan. EPOV: AU/AH Entry for the 2010 Cherry Exchange/First Time Author Award>

Chele - This is amazing. What happens when you combine tragedy, faith, sex, agony, humor, friendship and love? You get , a story which stimulates your mind, makes your heart swell, and your pants explode.

I fell madly in love with Edward within a few short paragraphs. He is an exercise in complexity; quirky, funny, startlingly serious. One glimpse of him mid-traffic tells us so much.

I focus through prayer, "Lord, help me to be your instrument on this important day. Guide me to assist Carlisle as we do your work in your name. Help me to tame my temper—SHIT!" A car passes too closely and splashes water over my jeans. "Watch it asshole!" I yell at the distancing car. Fortunately my Oxford shirt stays dry. I need to look half-decent for today. "Sorry, God—where was I? Oh yeah, help me to tame my temper…"

The balance of religion and one’s internal struggle with faith in the face of trauma is just, beyond good here. It's real and tangible. I've read other fic where similar themes were dealt with, but it all felt highbrow, and detached. This is right in you, gripping your heart, holding you up.

Because this was initially a Cherry Exchange contest entry, I don’t think it’s giving too much away when I say there is smut in the first chapter. Oh, yes pervs. There is good, good, lovely smut. As tragedy is revealed early, I thought - how’s Liz_Lemon_Bennett going to pull that off? Needless to say, she does. She made a believer out of me. It is lovely and good, and smoking hot, and it doesn’t end there. Throughout the story’s progression, she explores Edward and Bella as people whose sexuality has been awakened at a time and circumstance which could easily be seen as wrong, but is, in fact, perfectly right.

The characterizations top notch, each appearance and interaction moves the story forward. Even the tertiary players have have lush, vivid characterizations.

Sue Clearwater is a woman made of steel, covered in thick layers of soft fleece; it is easy to be weak in her presence. One gets the sense that she would find a way to float to the top of the most turbulent

Just beautiful.

I will warn you, this fic is addictive. There is a simplicity and a beauty that takes you over. The ebb and flow of intensity is so smooth, you won’t want to stop reading until you run out of chapters. Then you’ll shake your fists in the air and scream “Mooooooore!!!!!”

Emmy - I love this fic, and not just because it has cum-play in it, (one of my fave things) (seriously - Jeanne and Chele were telling me I had to read this fic for it, see how supportive and helpful my perv’s are?). The cherry popping scene from which this fic was born is very well done. Edward’s done his homework, even not knowing what/when it would be for. For Bella and Edward this love scene is about more than losing it - its about finding something you didn’t even realise you needed.

I think of the things I love best about this story is the subtle humour in it. There are odd lines that are almost throwaway, these are hilarious, and just tickle me the right way! They are subtle and very clever and are one of the many things that lift this fic.

This Edward? So ruddy cute. Seriously he is adorable - hesitant, unsure, eager, well-intentioned, hopelessly hooked on Bella. But he is also sexy. He’s repressed without it being weird, he’s clued in to sex through modern media without being a jumpy, sweaty freak. He’s divine - as he has the sweetest soul. Just a delight to read about.

The religious aspects might put some people off this fic. Please don’t let it let you. This fic is too good. I’m not a big fan of organised religion, (don’t shoot me, I AM British) but I like the fact that this story talks about the values and morals of being a good citizen, of being a good friend, of being a good person, of being a good lover (& I don’t mean in terms of skills) - I mean in terms of soul. And THAT is what I find interesting about this fic. Its a very neat twist on canon, in the orig Edward is originally fear to make Bella lose her soul as he is sure he has no soul, this story to me is the exploration of soul and destiny.

The supporting cast in She Gives Me Religion are top-notch. I am in love with this Alice, she has all the right ingredients of canon Alice, and NONE of the annoying OTT fanfic caricature traits! PHEW! This Carlisle? Perfect, I want to hug him for being so fabbio.

Importantly (for me!) I actually like this Bella, she’s appealing, her grief and trauma is SO convincingly portrayed, as is her genuinely deep feelings for Edward. This Bella is not whiny - even though there is lots she could be whinging about.. She’s a good friend, a caring daughter and a nice person. She certainly wants to be a good girlfriend/lover to Edward given half the chance. This Bella is a realistic and sympathetic portrayal. I am rooting for her.

Jeanne - Bless me father for I have sinned. It’s been...well, I don’t think I’ve ever been to confession, but I have sinned Big Time. Yep, I am the one that’s responsible for recommending this fic to the other pervs. Not only is it an Ed/Bella fic, I think it’s WussPerv safe. WTF self? Despite these egregious flaws, She Gives Me Religion is one of the best new Twi fics out there. That is no exaggeration, if anything I’m being generous to other fics.

Liz_Lemon_Bennett wrote the first chapter for the Cherry Exchange and she won the prize for 1st Time Author. It was a well deserved award for a very talented writer (that I plan to watch closely). It takes balls and skills to write a complex story like She Gives Me Religion.

Edward and Bella meet on what has to be the worst day of Bella’s life. Everything in their lives is stacked against them having anything but a superficial acquaintance. Despite all the real world obstacles, they find a connection with each other that helps Bella hang on at her weakest of moments. Somehow through the hazy of grief and pain, Bella and Edward don’t just form a bond, they fall in love.

I mean, seriously if anyone had told me the set up for this fic I would have laughed in their face and never read it. That’s why I’m not bothering to tell you what it is, because they don’t matter. Whatever the circumstances, though they are compelling and well written, what matters is this Edward and Bella fit together.

Edward sees and feels this from the first moment he meets Bella. That surety, and confidence in his love for her is one of his most endearing qualities. That and his need to make mental lists that are hilarious, beautiful and very telling of how determined he is to do things “the right way.” Honestly, if Edward wasn’t so fucking charming, and earnest he’d be creepy, but he is so not. His love for Bella is so...pure. There’s no other word for it.

1-When she leaves, give phone number for 'counsel and friendship.'
2-If call, go to funeral
3-If no call, give 2 weeks before calling (coffee date?)
4-Build friendship for 1yr
5-after yr1, graduate seminary, start to woo, marry her
6-Don't compete with Mike
7-NEVER EVER call when drunk
8-If she dates others—don't blow up- 'normal' people need sex, she'll be yours in the end

Bella is helpless to his tenacious loving, and by that, I mean his caring for her during her grieving. Now, I know what you’re about to say. You’re worried that the Bella’s going to be a little too close to canon. All needy, and whine and crap. I know, I was worried too. Fear not, Liz_Lemon_Bennett has written on of my favorite Bellas ever! She is so real you can practically see her bleeding on the page. This is the strong, maternal woman that Bella Swan should have matured into. A caretaker that sadly lacks the ability to truly care for herself, until someone (Edward) steps in and forces her to accept his care right when she needs it the most.

That’s what makes this story so compelling. Seeing the push and pull of Edward and Bella. Watching, and loving how naturally their love progress, toppling even the highest of road block to push them towards what will inevitably be a HEA. Not because we hope it to be or that the author has promised it, but because you can see it within both of them in that first chapter. These two people are in love, not fancy, candy coated, Disney love. REAL, part-of-my-soul, I-can’t-remember-how-to-breathe-when-you’re-not-in-the-room LOVE. Finding that kind of love, so beautifully and believably portrayed, is rare even in a fandom where it’s written about everyday.

Jen - When Jeanne rec’d this fic to the Pack I started reading immediately and absolutely devoured the six chapters that were posted at the time. There was much flailing as I read. It’s such a wonderful mix of seriousness and lightness, utter despair and the most divine joy, innocence and sex on legs.

Edward the seminary student is caught in the awkward position of feeling attracted to the widowed bride he’s tasked with offering support to in the hospital’s Family Room. Edward has the most adorable internal dialogue, and even though it should be wrong to hope that he’ll get together with Bella, his ongoing self-talk makes you feel better about it.

I take a step back to collect myself, to shake free of these thoughts. Dear Lord, forgive me for such lustful thoughts I have towards this injured being… this child of yours who I am here to help, in service to you. God forgive me for my aching desire to touch her, to taste her… sorry. I'll pull it together.

Bella is more broken than Edward understood from the basic information he had about her. Not only was her brand new husband killed while they were on the way to the reception, but she was trying to cope with the knowledge that he’d cheated on her and led his parents to believe that it was Bella who cheated. As Edward struggles to balance offering comfort to Bella with his growing attraction, Bella struggles with grief at Mike’s death, relief that he’s died, and anger at Mr. & Mrs. Newton.

I know we’re the Perv Pack and I’m supposed to be talking about the smut, but I have to say how much I love this Edward and his good, good heart. He takes counseling so earnestly, and wants to do a good job for many reasons: for himself, for God, for Bella, and to impress his mentor. He has such admiration for his mentor, Carlisle. His faith is strong yet he also questions things. He’s got a two year plan for wooing Bella. How cute is he?!

Ok, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest I can properly flail about the amazing UST in the first chapter and the instant connection between Bella and Edward. As Chele said, I was so glad this was an entry in the Cherry Exchange contest because it wasn’t a matter of would they our won’t they, it was just a matter of when.

They’re virgins but that doesn’t prevent them from being comfortable with their bodies and sexuality.

I reach between her legs to find her wetness, cooling and sticky from before mixed with warm and thin. Someday soon, I will lick her dry. I can't help myself; I put my fingers in my mouth-salty, tangy honey. Liquid Bella.

"Damn, that's hot-just when I thought I couldn't get any wetter…" She pulls me down and kisses me, moaning into my mouth. I'm on fire from my navel to my knees. I rub the head of my cock over her clitoris, because I read it's supposed to feel good for both of us-which it does-and, well, just because I want to.

I don’t know any seminary students, so maybe I am way off base, but I was surprised--and aroused--by Edward saying he’d lick her dry followed by sucking the taste of her off of his fingers. And then Bella, virgin widow-bride, exclaiming how hot it was?! They’re adorable and sexy. Even better: Edward has read Maxim for sex tips. Love. Him.

Liz_Lemon_Bennett’s wonderful writing expresses the full gamut of human emotion. There’s anger, sorrow, warm paternal love (Charlie is super), the protectiveness of a fiercely loyal friend (Alice’s canon attributes are captured without resorting to cliche), grief, turned on, and of course, growing love. None of these things seem forced or like they don’t belong in the same story. is an absolutely fantastic story that will both make your heart sing and your lady parts tingle.

Jess - As a general rule, I really love fics that have strong religious overtones. I like watching as people struggle to reconcile what they believe with the challenges they face on a daily basis. This is exactly what happens in .

Edward is a seminary student who shadows Carlisle at the local hospital. On the day this story begins, Edward is called in to help support the survivors of a car accident. This is where he meets Bella. She is the bride and new widow of Mike Newton, the groom, who was killed in the car accident. We see her sitting alone, wearing a black coat over her blood-stained wedding dress. Edward sees her and attempts to connect with her. She is quiet, withdrawn, but they are both drawn to each other.

We see Edward struggle with lustful and confusing thoughts as he tries to comfort her. He is immensely attracted to her but knows he should keep his distance. After all, he’s just a seminary student, and she is newly widowed, but physical chemistry and raw sexual need often override logic. They find themselves inextricably linked and the pull between them wins.

It’s no secret that they have sex (as this was a Cherry Exchange entry), but watching it play out was utterly divine. You can see the concern, the need to give and protect her in Edward’s restraint. But Bella’s need to feel something other than pain and grief and sadness wins, and they do it. Like really do it in all the cherry poppin’ goodness we’d expect to see. Just... yeah.

I also appreciated how well developed her other characters are. Alice is more than just her “normal” pixie self. She’s Bella’s best friend, someone who fights for and supports her mightily. She immediately latches on to Edward and uses him to do her bidding while she’s in the hospital. Even Charlie, Bella’s father, and Sue Clearwater, who looks to be Charlie’s girlfriend, play critical roles in this story. The usual players aren’t present, and for whatever reason, I like that.

Liz Lemon Bennett has done an amazing job crafting a story that is full of USTy goodness and intensely sensual and sexual moments while not ignoring the deep struggles Edward faces with his self-talk (which is absolutely hysterical) or the pain Bella has to work through at the events that transpired between her and Mike before the wedding.

This story is vivid and very well-written. I am dying for another update. The last one - can I just say total emotional breakdown spurred on by Edward pushing her to the emotional brink followed by very hot, agonizingly intense sex in the woods - left me positively breathless and gasping. This story, shamefully, doesn’t have many reviews, but it is an amazing read.

Trin - A potty mouthed seminary student with a heart of gold and the body of a god...ummm sign me up please. is a beautifully written story of finding true love in the wake of tragedy as well as grappling with religious ideals.

Liz Lemon Bennett introduces us to characters that we automatically care about as soon as we read their first lines. She is able to convey that Edward is not only protective of Bella but cares for her so deeply that at times I feel my chest swelling with pride for him. Throughout much of the story Bella is not eating due to stress and and Edward continues to help her through her struggles.

Filled with my concern for her, I vow to convalesce her, protect her, and chase her nightmares away. I will feed her—turn her into my little butterball Bella. I will be anything she wants me to be. Fuck, I'd be a rodeo clown if she asked me.

I was already smitten, but the “little butterball Bella” had me head over heels. As with most of Edward’s internal dialogue it is kind and hilarious...and usually filled with expletives.

The religious aspect of this story doesn’t feel forced, nor does it seem that it is mocking one’s relationship with God and their beliefs. I have read a number of stories that I feel use the negative aspects of organized religion as a catalyst for acting out. really shows two people who love God and each other and how they try to figure out how to deal with that. It is a beautiful story that has me completely addicted.

Teal - I don’t even know where to start with this story. Of course, my fellow Pervs have said so much, and there’s the fact that I love this story sooooooo much that it’s hard for me to pinpoint just one thing about it that makes me swoon and squee. I suppose I’ll just begin with the premise of this fic. Wow. When I read the first chapter and original one-shot of this story, I was incredibly impressed with what a great idea this was, especially for the Cherry Exchange contest. Sure, it’s easy to come up with a fic idea that plays off canon or deals with high school (or even college) aged characters, but to develop a believable premise where two young adults, post-college, were still virgins was really quite impressive. From there, the meeting and near-instant bond between Edward and Bella was compelling, exciting, and so wonderfully believable.

This is one of those fics that made me so grateful for my BlackBerry. Seriously, if I’d had to go all day without being able to read this story while I was in the middle of it, I think I would have gone crazy. Instead, I was glued to my phone on every break and elevator ride I took. (Hey, don’t judge me. I see you checking your email on your smartphone in the middle of dinner.) Point being, I was addicted.

The struggles both characters go through is such a huge part of what develops between them and the way they find themselves leaning on one another. It’s also enough to make you believe that love at first sight (or at least falling in love after one day of knowing someone) really is possible. As Bella puts up a strong front to face her in-laws and comfort all of her belated husband’s friends, Edward is the one who recognizes that she needs an emotional release she’s not able to get elsewhere. And as Edward comes to terms with the sudden upheaval of everything he thought his life was going to be, Bella shows him that faith and family both have many faces, and that he will be okay, even if his life goes off track.

Each character has a long way to go to find their new direction, but it’s clear that in finding one another, they’ll make it a much more fulfilling journey.

Best of all (at least to a Perv), the intensity of emotion that these characters share gives way to some hot Hot HOT action. There really is something special about a man who will fuck you silly up against a tree, then lick the dirt and blood from your knuckles. Rawr. Where do I sign up for one of these sweet and strong pastor-type hotties? =)