Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy - Intro to BDSM

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!

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DISCLAIMER:

The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

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Given the current climate of rampant misinformation regarding BDSM, the Girls at The Shack thought that there'd never been a better time to revisit this post. Our thanks go out, again, to MsKathy for sharing her wisdom and experience.

My boyfriend and I have only been together for six months. I guess I have a fetish or something but I always wanted to try bondage with someone (in all my 27 years of life I want to finally try it) and I trust him more than any other of my previous boyfriend/lovers. How would I bring it up to him, I don't want to sound like a crazy woman saying "get the rope and tie my arms together". And warnings/precautions should I take if we take it to that level?

There is a statement in the Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy description that says, "If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn't know the answer, she'll find an expert who does!" This is one of those times. The lovely, knowledgeable, and wise MsKathy kindly agreed to handle your question. While MsKathy is incredibly well-versed in BDSM, this is not intended to take the place of expert advice. Remember, never play without a safe word, ever.

Now, I turn the podium over to MsKathy:

If you think your proclivities (I am careful of the word "fetish" - just a personal preference of mine) may extend beyond bondage, I would suggest that you take time to explore those in your head. Make sure you have a clear understanding of how you feel about things -- how will you react if he is vehemently opposed? Is this something you need to turn into a reality, or can you live with it just in your head as a fantasy?

I recommend a great book called When Someone You Love is Kinky -- unfortunately, it's out of print. If you can find an older copy, it can be a great ice-breaker and way to bring up the topic. A newer book, which I previewed online but have not read the entire contents of, is How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM . I can't entirely vouch for the book, but what I read from the preview section seemed great. I have it on order to add to my library.

I also recommend Screw the Roses. Just preview the table of contents and you can see how in-depth it is. It may be too much for what you want/need right now.

I love Jay Wiseman, and so anything he writes gets my personal recommendation. He has a book called SM101 that you might find useful.

Are there warnings/precautions you should take? Of course. I could spend all day telling you about them, literally. Think about it like this: you are doing something that has the potential to end in great bodily (and mental) harm. You should take every precaution available to you. Of course, every time you get in a car, you take the same risks, so follow the same guidelines: get educated, make informed risk choices, and be with a partner (driver) that you are confident in. If you don't trust your partner, DON'T DO IT. I'm not saying you will have 110% "natural submissive" trust the first time you get tied up, that would be unrealistic, but you should have an essential foundation in your relationship of trust, otherwise, it's my opinion that you shouldn't travel down the paths where extra trust is required.

How do you get informed? You read, you talk, you research, and (imho, the most important), join a local group. Most of my knowledge was picked up by doing, practicing, and absorbing from/watching those smarter and more educated about the topics than I was/am. Yes, book knowledge helps, but there are so many nuances that you would really be missing. Going to a local group/meetup isn't nearly as nerve-wracking as it seems (okay, after the first time it isn't!) -- trust me, the people are nice, and warm, and lovely, and they will WANT to help you learn. They won't (all) be obvious practitioners, some will be just like me, your average-looking mom-type that has a dirty private life.

If you're just TOO nervous and you just CAN'T POSSIBLY join a local group (I've been there, and sometimes there are legitimate privacy concerns), then read as much as you can. Have your boyfriend read the books with you. Maybe read them to him. Talk about it. Talk about bondage techniques, rope types, the benefits of different kinds of rope, buy rope together, play with it, test it, but please, please please be safe about it. Keep safety scissors on hand AT ALL TIMES when using rope - even when you think you're an expert. Why this kind? The end is blunt and can be used quickly, without much thought, and won't stab your partner.

If you're not all about rope, you can get something as quick and simple as this--under the bed restraint system-- that works with your mattress and such. PLEASE still keep the scissors handy!

If you play with handcuffs that are leather/fabric, scissors are a must. If you play with metal, make sure you have more than one key, and keep your spare someplace easy to find/access. Many of the smaller locks use the same key, so if you buy multiples, you can have them tucked away discreetly in several spots, in case of emergency. I keep a set on my keyring and no one has ever asked me what they're for, but I KNOW if I panic, I can get them easily. If you get into heavy metal / handcuff / chain bondage, keep bolt cutters handy (I'm totally not kidding).

You can use a variety of materials to bind someone, all with varying degrees of safety and efficacy. Off the top of my head, I can think of rope, cuffs, tape (animal vet tape is my fav, medical tape, duct/packing tape if you like pain, depending on placement), saran/plastic wrap, cat5 cables (mhm, I went there, NERD ALERT), chain, etc.

I'm thinking about all of the possible warnings I want to give, and they are vast -- more than I could cover here. Some people will disagree with these rules, but they are mine and I stick by them. Don't use rope alone. You shouldn't leave someone tied up alone, or out of earshot. Buy a copy of Gray's Anatomy (not the TV show, the medical guide) -- yes, it's expensive (I got mine at a used bookstore), and maybe boring, however, the more intricate you(r partner) plan to get with the ropework, the more important it becomes to understand muscle placement and nerve locations. One of the most important things is to pay attention to your partner, or for your partner to pay attention to you. Do I ask "what color are we?" 90 times an hour, like in fic? No. I use my eyes, and my ears, and I pay attention. I expect my partner to tell me if they are in distress, unless I've forbidden speaking, but then I do check in slightly more than usual. Always have a safeword, and if it makes you feel better, you can use the color system (green=go, yellow=caution, red=stop), but I find that doesn't work for me, for various reasons. Use what works for you.

There is a lot of responsibility in all areas of topping/bottoming/subbing/dominating, even if you're just going to be a casual participant. Please do not allow the "casual" to lull you into less research and taking it less seriously.

On to the fun topics -- here are some other great books about bondage specifically. You could wrap one of these and give to your boyfriend as a hint and/or to open the topic of discussion.
Erotic Bondage Handbook
101 Step-by-Step Knots
Dare... to Try Bondage

Above all, even with my cautions and red flags and begging you to be safe, have fun. If you're not having fun, there's absolutely no point in doing it!

I hope your boyfriend is open to hear about your fantasies. I know what it's like from the other side, so if he's resistant at first, please give him time and space to try and absorb and assimilate what you say. People are always surprised when I tell them that I wasn't the one to dive into the world of kink first, my husband was! I was scared at first, nervous about what it meant for us, for our relationship, how we would change, would we ever have "normal" sex? and about 900 other questions went through my mind. However, we talked. Then we talked more. The rest is history!

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Turn Me On: Tuesday Next by bmango

We want to know what turns you on, ladies! Which fics are rocking your world and are must reads for us Pervs? We want you to tell us what you like, what turns you on about this fic. Let’s talk about it over a glass of wine and get everyone reading it.

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Title: Tuesday Next
Author: bmango
Status: WIP
Chapters: 3
Word Count: 6,063
Reviews: 45

Summary: This is a little series of scenes written from pictures that tuesdaymidnight has sent me. Basically PWP. All JxE. Enjoy!

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Jeanne - There a handful of people whose recommendations I listen to without hesitation. The beautiful and talented Sadtomato is one of them. So when she recommended Tuesday Next I knew I had to set aside my concerns about the lack of realism in most BDSM fanfic and read it immediately. I am so glad I did.

Unlike a lot of BDSM fic I’ve read both in this and other fandoms Tuesday Next starts out focused on the play first, instead of romance. We meet these two men as Master and boy, Dominant and submissive. I love this not just because I love BDSM erotica, but because of the way bmango showcases how the play is a vital part of their relationship. They are not two lovers that engage in BDSM play. They are a Master and boy that are also in love.

That simple, deceptively small detail sets this story far apart from many other fics that are more focused on the romantic relationship and side line the sexy play as a plot device. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it has often left me wanting a story that is more focused on the BDSM play. Tuesday Next goes a long way to scratch that itch.

I follow his instructions without hesitation, laying prone with my hands stretched above my head, nearly reaching the rope around the couch leg. I feel small tugs on my left shoe as he loosens the laces before stretching my leg to the side, tying the laces to the bed post. He repeats the same action on my right leg before securing my hands with the rope.

"God, boy. You are so fucking beautiful for me," he whispers into the quiet.

Stretched before him, my ass in the air and my limbs restrained, I feel like I'm on display for him and I hope desperately he means what he says. I want to be beautiful for him.

I love how we get to see through Edward’s eyes. It allows us to see his need to not only please Master but also how the act of submission makes him feel beautiful and desired. The true spirit of submission is the act of relinquishing control to another (trusted) person. That makes the choice of casting Edward in the role of submissive so much more poignant and believable. More than any other character in Twilight, Edward Cullen feels the weight and compulsion to maintain control. It is his cross to bear, not to mention his intense desire to please those he admires. As a (hardcore) Edward fangirl I felt a strange kind of sympathetic relief from watching him submit to Master’s commands and desire.

bmango does an incredible job of showing the submissive mindset without short changing it and making Edward appear wounded or needy. He needs it but not because a lack of confidence or sense of self. Rather because he craves the release. Allowing someone to take control is far from a gesture of weakness but one of the most powerful gestures a person can make.

Then there is Master. I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve not referred to him as Jasper through the review. True, this is our favorite southern bad boy in the role of the Dom, but in many ways I felt I enjoyed the freedom of not seeing him as the cowboy. Here we see the powerful, calm and focused side of Jasper. The stagiest, the youngest major in the confederate army. This is the side of Jasper that I long to see more in fan fiction. His strength, raw power and brutality. These are all tempered with empathy and combine to make him a fabulous Master. He reads Edward so well, through each scene taking his lover right up to the line and back. It’s fascinating to read, intense and sexy. Really, I could ramble about this for days, but it’s better if you just read it yourself. Even if you’re new to BDSM fic, take a deep breath and dive in. I’ll be here to hold you hand.

Sadtomato - The first author’s note in bmango’s Tuesday Next reads, “Warnings: This is slash, my first shot at BDSM and is nothing but PWP.” As soon as I read that, I was sold--forget raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, those are a few of my favorite things. After reading through the three chapters already posted, I am hooked on Tuesday Next and hope you’ll give it a try, too.

Each chapter starts with a link to a photograph. The photos that inspire each chapter are beautiful and original (please keep them coming, tuesdaymidnight!), but what really makes each scene come to life is the prose. Jasper and Edward are lovers who play as Master and his boy, acting out the situations and/or positions suggested by the photographs.

What sets this story apart from other stories about D/s relationships is that Edward and Jasper see their play as fun, sexy, and special. There’s no drama, no kinky secrets, no shame and conflict. They’re just a normal, committed couple who just happen to have a few drawers full of sex toys. I love that they don’t have a mansion, a playroom, or a ton of specialized furniture. Their play feels real and sensual, and it draws me in every time.

Bmango describes Edward’s submissive mindset perfectly and succinctly, capturing exactly what appeals to him about this type of play:

Over the music I can still hear small clinks and the sounds of metal as he decides what implements to use from his drawers of toys. Every time we play, this here is perhaps the height of my emotional experience. The anticipation eating into me, my eagerness to be good and the surety that he will take care of me even if I'm not. After this moment, emotion disappears as it all condenses down into sensation. His touch, his voice, his scent. That is all I will know.

Did I mention the dirty talk? Oh, there’s some excellent dirty talk. It’s filthy without being raunchy, and it’s very clear how much Jasper’s words enhance Edward’s experience:

"You whore," he chastises, smacking my ass once more. "Beg me for it," he orders gruffly before changing his tone and reminding me. "Nicely."

"Please, sir. Oh, please fuck me," I beg, wanting him more than anything, wanting him to find his pleasure with me.

"I don't know. Have you been a good boy?" he asks quietly, his slick fingers still moving slowly in and out, bending to hit my prostate with almost every pass.

I love the kinky sex for what it is, but the tenderness and the obvious love between Edward and Jasper makes the sex hotter and more intense. Bmango doesn’t tell us about their love through extraneous dialogue, flashbacks, or inner monologue; instead she shows us through Edward and Jasper’s actions. That their relationship is marked by whips and chains rather than hearts and flowers doesn’t make it any less romantic. It’s sweet without being cloying, tender while staying true to real life.

Edward’s adoration for Jasper and eagerness to please his Master shine through every time they play. I see it in the way his body responds to whatever sensations Jasper chooses to dole out, in the highly charged looks they share while they’re playing, and in Edward’s trust and complete submission.

Jasper’s affection for Edward comes through with every tender touch, every act of care during and after their play. Whether he’s adjusting Edward’s handcuffs during a rough scene or massaging his muscles after a long one, he is careful and reverent with his lover’s body and his submission. It’s a great example of safe BDSM play, but it also serves to illustrate how much Jasper cares for Edward.

Bmango classifies this story as PWP (that’s “Plot? What Plot?” or “Porn Without Plot” for the uninitiated), but I have to disagree. There’s no big conflict or drama here, but I think in this case the porn is the plot--it’s the story of two richly drawn characters loving each other in unconventional but beautiful ways.

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Team Angst: heartfail one-shots

Team Angst decided to do something a little different. We searched our favorite fic lists and fic dove to find some extremely heartfail one shots (that you may or may not have read yet). So grab a box of tissues (and a bottle of booze) get comfy and savor the pain with us.

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Title: The Other Woman
Author: sirenastarot
Words: 2,848
Reviews: 10
Summary: She was resigned to the fact that she was the other woman. But he changed the rules. AH, BDSM, character death. Written for The Never Ever Happily Ever After Contest. Judge's choice for Best WTF story.

Jeanne - I don’t know why I hurt myself like this, but fuck does sirenastarot make it hurt so good. This unique story is written in second person, which works almost too well for this heartbreaking story. You are in Leah’s shoes, feeling her pain and heartache. We see her history of regret played out before us in deliciously sexy details that are also bittersweet.

While Leah/Carlisle are the listed pairing, we follow several of Leah’s failed relationships. Both Edward and Emmett have touched her life, leaving scars behind. Even though these relationships have ended there is a sense of love in Leah’s memories of her time with each of these men. It’s that love that makes her heartbreak over losing or letting them go that much more acute.

Despite, the angsty nature of this story this is Leah that we know and love. She stands strong and tall even as she’s bleeds from the loss of love in her life. Fuck, I could ramble for days about how fucking amazing this story is, but fuck that. Just go read it. NOW! It’s worth the hurt.

Jess - I am speechless. The ache I feel for Leah, the emptiness she feels, is absolutely heartbreaking. My gasp and hand flying to my mouth at the end should tell you to tread lightly. This one will hurt.

Jen - I love the way The Other Woman unfolds. Bit by bit, we find out more about Leah, and as each disappointment is revealed the reader becomes more and more tied to her emotional state. sirenastarot accentuates the canon view of Leah as being apart from everyone else by using the second person pov. Very often second person is jarring to the reader, but in this case it works really well by drawing you into Leah’s intense emotions.

Although I knew this story devastated Jeanne, I couldn’t help hoping for a positive outcome for Leah. You’ll be drawn in by the hot sexual encounters, and then you’ll be invested in Leah as a person. It’ll take your breath away, but the hurt is worth the journey.


Title: Watching the Water Gather
Author: kdc2239
Words: 6,425
Reviews: 47
Summary: Tragedy and heartbreak have met Bella and Edward at every turn. Now madly in love and ready to start their lives, everything is looking up. Little do they know the worst is yet to come. AH, O/S, E/B; character death and violence

Jess - In this interest of full disclosure, I beta’d this story for kdc2239 some time ago, but the nature of this story touched me so deeply, I just had to add it to this list.

Together, they’ve faced obstacles - too many to count - and have grown stronger in the relationship.

The two told each other everything. They shared their pain, their deepest darkest secrets, their hopes and fears for the future. More than anything, the one thing she hoped and longed for, was the chance to go to school. It was a conversation she'd had with her parents often, and she'd promised them she would go to school. As Edward listened to her talk and he dreamed about it night after night, he vowed to himself he would help her see her dream through.

The love and trust, the encouragement and hope these two have is so beautiful and intense. kdc2239 does a lovely job showing how deeply and emotionally connected Edward and Bella are.

On a night that is supposed to be full of celebration and holds the promise of a better life, things take a turn for the worst, and the other is left to pick up the pieces. The journey, the heartache, the sadness and pain are so vivid and rich it’s devastating.

This one-shot is lemon-lite, but trust me when I say you the connection you feel in the midst of it is more than enough!

Pulling the dress out of his grasp, she runs to the bathroom for a quick shower, but he has different ideas. Following her into the shower they start their vow to be close more often right then. As he loves her against the wall of the shower, she kisses his warm shoulder where she watches the water gather.

The constant refrain - “Watching the Water Gather” will haunt you, much as it did me. While this story may rip your heart out, I hope you’ll read it, because it will make you think about how fragile life and time really are. It’s beautifully and viscerally written. Take a chance and leave kdc2239 some love.

Jen - Watching the Water Gather is beautifully written, and deeply felt. As Jess says, Edward and Bella’s emotional connection is so deep, and so clearly portrayed in this o/s that it makes the tenderly written emons all the more beautiful. You’ll definitely want to have tissues handy.

Title: When We Collide
Author: eDWards.headboard
Words: 3,282
Reviews: 1
Summary: Carlisle and Esme are twelve years into their marriage. The pain of life has left them disconnected and numb. Do you know what's more powerful than numbness? Physical pain. The ironic thing is that emotional numbness hurts worse than physical pain.

Jen - When We Collide is a powerfully intense o/s which explores the dynamic between Carlisle and Esme when everything seems to be following the ‘or worse’ portion of their marriage vows.

At first read, their relationship sounds completely toxic. Under the stress of financial difficulties, their lives are filled with tension and an extreme lack of communication. eDWards.headboard does a great job showing us the tension in the household via Esme’s pov. You can almost hear the numbness in the thoughts that run through Esme’s head, and you can easily imagine her monotonous speech as she moves through her days.

Most representations of Esme in fic portray her as the kind, understanding mother--the June Cleaver of the vampire world. AH stories tend to take that view of Esme to an even more idealized image of maternal and wifely perfection. I really love the realistic scenario of When We Collide. Their lives are not full of rainbows and puffy hearts; their sexual relations aren’t either. I know many Twi-fic readers are loathe to imagine Esme and Carlisle having sex. This is not Esme and Carlisle making slow, sweet love to one another. The seduction, if you can call it that, is rough and ugly, and I did briefly wonder if Carlisle is abusive. As the o/s continues, though, you can see that Esme and Carlisle still do love each other deeply.

The pleasure/pain is exquisite and I can feel the tension in my back releasing. I am breathing deeply and savoring the rush. This is our only form of communication now. Body language is the only language we speak. All other forms of communication have failed us. This is the only time we are open to each other.

Carlisle is completely dominant, bending Esme to his will. You sense that sex is the one time in his life that Carlisle can truly be in control. Esme submits to him because she it is a relief to let go from the effort of holding things together for the children. She welcomes the pain because in the rest of her life she’s simply numb; it’s a relief to experience some feeling. The sex is raw and passionate.

I think you’ll find When We Collide to be a powerful o/s, even as it turns a realistic eye on the sometimes uglier side of marriage


Jess - In a way, this one-shot caught me off guard. Like Jen mentioned, we often think of Carlisle and Esme having this very happy, healthy, sex- & love-filled marriage. What we see depicted here is the opposite of that in every way. There is a cool detachment between these two, and in some cases, it’s particularly hard to read. Their physical relationship is where you see the spark, but even that is cold and harsh. I hope, like Esme, that maybe the future will change things, that they’ll find happiness and renewal, but it’s hard to envision that happening in this scenario.


Title: Unlikely Solace
Author: sweetandsaltyff
Words: 11,282
Reviews: 7
Summary: Agonized by events beyond their control, two sworn enemies find an unexpected camaraderie in their surprisingly parallel situations.Whether rage, physical exertion, or desire, the need to express and release provides solace in the most unlikely of places.

Chele - One might wonder what Rosalie could possibly offer Leah that could calm the malevolent storm that rages in her heart and poisons the pack mind. If you’re thinking chick flicks and girl time, this is not the fic for you. Unlikely Solace shows us a friendship forged in a fire of rage and betrayal as two women give each other a place where it’s safe to be angry, bitter, disappointed, and perhaps a little violent.

Yes, Rose encouraged Leah's fury, coaxing it out of her with unwavering eye contact, trying to draw it from her like water from a stone. She saw that Leah needed this. Rose had no fear for herself- physically that was unthinkable. But she saw that this woman who had become so precious to her needed a release, one Rose knew she could give. The release of rage.

The eroticism builds subtly. Leah’s phasing leaves her physically exposed when in human form, and despite Rose’s attempts to appear unaffected, the UST builds from their first interaction. The way sweetandsaltyff describes Leah’s body is enough to leave you panting.

These are not damsels in distress, and yet, they are still able to be eachother’s salvation. If, like me, you ache to read strong women, look no further.


Jess - I rarely read femmeslash. I have no idea why, but as I got going, I really fell in love with the way both Leah and Rose just understood each other. There was a camaraderie, a closeness that no man could possibly understand. These two are kindred spirits - both suffering losses, different and yet the same - that what came was simply inevitable. Watching these two being open and vulnerable, making love and giving themselves over to each other was simply beautiful.

Jen - There is so much about Leah and Rose as a couple that makes perfect, perfect sense, especially when their story is as beautifully told as it is here by sweetandsaltyff. I loved watching them both purge their pain and then find solace in one another. Angsty, full of personal growth, and damn sexy--what more could you want in a o/s?

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!

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DISCLAIMER:

The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

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My boyfriend and I have only been together for six months. I guess I have a fetish or something but I always wanted to try bondage with someone (in all my 27 years of life I want to finally try it) and I trust him more than any other of my previous boyfriend/lovers. How would I bring it up to him, I don't want to sound like a crazy woman saying "get the rope and tie my arms together". And warnings/precautions should I take if we take it to that level?

There is a statement in the Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy description that says, "If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn't know the answer, she'll find an expert who does!" This is one of those times. The lovely, knowledgeable, and wise MsKathy kindly agreed to handle your question. While MsKathy is incredibly well-versed in BDSM, this is not intended to take the place of expert advice. Remember, never play without a safe word, ever.

Now, I turn the podium over to MsKathy:

If you think your proclivities (I am careful of the word "fetish" - just a personal preference of mine) may extend beyond bondage, I would suggest that you take time to explore those in your head. Make sure you have a clear understanding of how you feel about things -- how will you react if he is vehemently opposed? Is this something you need to turn into a reality, or can you live with it just in your head as a fantasy?

I recommend a great book called When Someone You Love is Kinky -- unfortunately, it's out of print. If you can find an older copy, it can be a great ice-breaker and way to bring up the topic. A newer book, which I previewed online but have not read the entire contents of, is How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM . I can't entirely vouch for the book, but what I read from the preview section seemed great. I have it on order to add to my library.

I also recommend Screw the Roses. Just preview the table of contents and you can see how in-depth it is. It may be too much for what you want/need right now.

I love Jay Wiseman, and so anything he writes gets my personal recommendation. He has a book called SM101 that you might find useful.

Are there warnings/precautions you should take? Of course. I could spend all day telling you about them, literally. Think about it like this: you are doing something that has the potential to end in great bodily (and mental) harm. You should take every precaution available to you. Of course, every time you get in a car, you take the same risks, so follow the same guidelines: get educated, make informed risk choices, and be with a partner (driver) that you are confident in. If you don't trust your partner, DON'T DO IT. I'm not saying you will have 110% "natural submissive" trust the first time you get tied up, that would be unrealistic, but you should have an essential foundation in your relationship of trust, otherwise, it's my opinion that you shouldn't travel down the paths where extra trust is required.

How do you get informed? You read, you talk, you research, and (imho, the most important), join a local group. Most of my knowledge was picked up by doing, practicing, and absorbing from/watching those smarter and more educated about the topics than I was/am. Yes, book knowledge helps, but there are so many nuances that you would really be missing. Going to a local group/meetup isn't nearly as nerve-wracking as it seems (okay, after the first time it isn't!) -- trust me, the people are nice, and warm, and lovely, and they will WANT to help you learn. They won't (all) be obvious practitioners, some will be just like me, your average-looking mom-type that has a dirty private life.

If you're just TOO nervous and you just CAN'T POSSIBLY join a local group (I've been there, and sometimes there are legitimate privacy concerns), then read as much as you can. Have your boyfriend read the books with you. Maybe read them to him. Talk about it. Talk about bondage techniques, rope types, the benefits of different kinds of rope, buy rope together, play with it, test it, but please, please please be safe about it. Keep safety scissors on hand AT ALL TIMES when using rope - even when you think you're an expert. Why this kind? The end is blunt and can be used quickly, without much thought, and won't stab your partner.

If you're not all about rope, you can get something as quick and simple as this--under the bed restraint system-- that works with your mattress and such. PLEASE still keep the scissors handy!

If you play with handcuffs that are leather/fabric, scissors are a must. If you play with metal, make sure you have more than one key, and keep your spare someplace easy to find/access. Many of the smaller locks use the same key, so if you buy multiples, you can have them tucked away discreetly in several spots, in case of emergency. I keep a set on my keyring and no one has ever asked me what they're for, but I KNOW if I panic, I can get them easily. If you get into heavy metal / handcuff / chain bondage, keep bolt cutters handy (I'm totally not kidding).

You can use a variety of materials to bind someone, all with varying degrees of safety and efficacy. Off the top of my head, I can think of rope, cuffs, tape (animal vet tape is my fav, medical tape, duct/packing tape if you like pain, depending on placement), saran/plastic wrap, cat5 cables (mhm, I went there, NERD ALERT), chain, etc.

I'm thinking about all of the possible warnings I want to give, and they are vast -- more than I could cover here. Some people will disagree with these rules, but they are mine and I stick by them. Don't use rope alone. You shouldn't leave someone tied up alone, or out of earshot. Buy a copy of Gray's Anatomy (not the TV show, the medical guide) -- yes, it's expensive (I got mine at a used bookstore), and maybe boring, however, the more intricate you(r partner) plan to get with the ropework, the more important it becomes to understand muscle placement and nerve locations. One of the most important things is to pay attention to your partner, or for your partner to pay attention to you. Do I ask "what color are we?" 90 times an hour, like in fic? No. I use my eyes, and my ears, and I pay attention. I expect my partner to tell me if they are in distress, unless I've forbidden speaking, but then I do check in slightly more than usual. Always have a safeword, and if it makes you feel better, you can use the color system (green=go, yellow=caution, red=stop), but I find that doesn't work for me, for various reasons. Use what works for you.

There is a lot of responsibility in all areas of topping/bottoming/subbing/dominating, even if you're just going to be a casual participant. Please do not allow the "casual" to lull you into less research and taking it less seriously.

On to the fun topics -- here are some other great books about bondage specifically. You could wrap one of these and give to your boyfriend as a hint and/or to open the topic of discussion.
Erotic Bondage Handbook
101 Step-by-Step Knots
Dare... to Try Bondage

Above all, even with my cautions and red flags and begging you to be safe, have fun. If you're not having fun, there's absolutely no point in doing it!

I hope your boyfriend is open to hear about your fantasies. I know what it's like from the other side, so if he's resistant at first, please give him time and space to try and absorb and assimilate what you say. People are always surprised when I tell them that I wasn't the one to dive into the world of kink first, my husband was! I was scared at first, nervous about what it meant for us, for our relationship, how we would change, would we ever have "normal" sex? and about 900 other questions went through my mind. However, we talked. Then we talked more. The rest is history!

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