Friday, December 31, 2010

Pervy Picspiration

Emmy wants your words. (amongst other things...) Every week Emmy will post a pic or 2 - containing phwoarrrr-worthy blokes from across the seas, some hunks from closer to home and sometimes some dangerously delish knickers and lingerie. What do we want from you in return? Well...... We want you to be inspired by these pics and to leave Emmy a delish drabble or longer story inspired by the pic(s).

Leave your story offering in the comments section and, if you want to, post it to your FF account (pm the link to Emmy at mentioning the PPSS, by the following Wednesday. Each Friday Emmy will reveal her fave (entirely personal & subjective opinions belonging to Emmy) and at the same time post the next pervy picspiration for your pleasure. Non-Canon writers don’t despair - Emmy might be tragically WussPerv©, but there are plenty of equal opportunity pervs in the pack longing to read those if Emmy turp’s out.

Emmy is DYING to see what dirty delights you are going to come up with...

*Please make sure your story offering is in line with our mission statement

Jeanne here, standing in for our poor wounded Emmy. She has decided that since we are in the middle of the holiday season she is going to extended the deadlines for drabbles and fics. She has also added some voyeuristic inspiration to get your creative juices flowing. ;)

So, get to writing.

Emmy is waiting.........

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy


Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!


The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

I've read in the previous post of a reader about being a virgin at age 20. Well hell, I can't tell you how that made me feel,cause i'm 23 and I don't think I'll be losing it anytime soon. And I've been feeling so bad because of it, and I think I need some advice. Sure I'd like a good, no, great fuck but I'd like to have feelings for that someone first. Is it unrealistic for me to want and wait for someone that will adore me first? And what do guys REALLY think about virgins? Please help?

Hey, being a virgin at 20, 23, 29... there is no pressure on you to lose your virginity tomorrow, so please, please, please, don't feel bad about still being a virgin. It's merely an aspect of who you are--it doesn't instantly change you, or make you better, or make you worse, once you lose it. If you think about it in the most basic of terms, the difference between you and someone who lost their virginity? You don't have a tear in your hymen yet. That's it. Physically, there is no other difference. Just relax, because there is no shame in deciding you want to wait for someone with whom losing your virginity will be meaningful, and not merely a means to an end. Don't use your sexual status as a way to gauge your desirability to the opposite sex, because there is so much more to it than that. Eventually, it will happen for you, and when it does, by all means, go have great sexual experiences. Choosing to wait doesn't mean you can't have orgasms, or other sexual experiences, after all. Is it unrealistic to want to wait for that someone? Let's approach that another way. Is it unrealistic for you to prefer milk chocolate over dark chocolate? Is it unrealistic to want syrup on your pancakes? Is it unrealistic to prefer snuggling in your warm bed rather than getting up to face the cold winter morning? Of course not. If it is what you want, it doesn't really matter, does it? Don't let everyone else dictate what is right for you. Don't feel bad about making a choice that you want to make. That's all there is to it, end of story.

So, what do guys really think about virgins? Really? Dude, she is going to be so farking tight. That may sound crass, but I guarantee, that will be one of the thoughts in their head. They will probably also feel special that you wanted to wait for the right person, and that your right person happens to be... them. I think the most important thing to remember is that virgin is not necessarily synonymous with inexperienced or prude. Don't hesitate to let a guy know that you aren't afraid of sex, you just want it to be right, or meaningful. That's a heck of a lot different than being a virgin out of fear, or because you've been forced to make that choice by your family or your religion. As much as you want your first experience to be more meaningful, your guy will probably find it meaningful, too, because you waited, and you chose him. See where I'm going with this?

Bottom line? You chose. You're 23. You like sex, but you're waiting for the right moment. You're just fine the way you are, bb--own your decision, regardless of your age. There is no need to make up any excuses or waste another moment of energy on something you've already decided. Oh, and if you came back in a week and decided that you want to have mad sex with ten guys? I would tell you the same exact thing: Own. Your. Decision.

Jeanne creeps in to add her two cents: I would like to add two things.

Men are not a separate species, though at times it may appear like they are. Guys want the same things girls want, but that want may differ depending on the individual guy. What’s important is what you want from a relationship and partner. Once you know what that is, it will be easier to find someone else who wants these same things aka Mr Right. If nothing else, you’ll be able to eliminate the men that aren’t what you’re looking for that much faster. ;)

Second, when you do meet the person that you love, and
want to have sex with them, don’t deliver the news like it’s a death sentence. If you bring all your anxiety and concerns about his reaction to the conversation it’s going to bring a lot of negative energy to something that should be positive. The fact that you’ve waiting to have your first experience with sexual intercourse with this person is a wonderful, momentous occasion. Don’t treat it like a burden or some difficulty that you both have to work through. Giving your virginity to someone is cause for celebration, present it to him that way. Your virginity is a gift that you’re giving to him as an expression of your love for him. Any man, worth your love and trust will treat you with care and respect when he is presented with this news.

Sex has become a routine for my husband and I, and it's all missionary, all the time. My knowledge of other positions isn't very great, so how should I spice things up?

Great question, because this happens to nearly every couple once you've been together for a while. I think the very first thing you need to do is have some alone time with your spouse, and to use that time to be open and honest with each other about your routine and your desire to switch things up a bit. Take some time to delve into what attracted you to each other physically when you first met. Talk about what you loved when you had sex with him. Try to tease out exactly what it is that gave you guys chemistry in the first place. Once you understand more about the foundation upon which your relationship is built, you can start to play around with that.

I suggest a Q&A time with your husband. Be sure to set ground rules first; make a pact that whatever you say will not be held against you later on, so that you both feel free to express yourselves in a safe environment. Have a glass of wine, get comfortable, and talk about your biggest turn-ons. What is something you perhaps have always wanted to do, but never had the guts to admit? What is your biggest fantasy? What is his? Are these things you are willing to do for one another? If not, that's okay--remember, this is a time without any retribution. If yes, figure out a way to make these fantasies happen. You can even think of it as a game. Write these fantasies on slips of paper, and then choose them out of a bag, so that neither one of you knows what you'll be doing until the paper is unfolded. The anticipation is nearly as big a turn on as is the act of having sex itself. Remember, the brain is probably the most important organ in your sexual response--use it wisely to your benefit.

In terms of sexual positions, you could do the same type of system--research positions you want to try, write them down, then pick them from out of a hat. What are good resources for sexual positions? Oh god, there are tons of things out there, some very accessible. You're going to laugh at me, but I'm being completely honest here--Cosmopolitan magazine's issues on sexual positions are almost always full of awesome ideas. In fact, Cosmo has all kinds of great ideas about sex in general, like blow job tips. Plus, it has the added benefit of being available at the check out of your local grocery store. Need I say more? The Kama Sutra is the sexual position bible, so to speak; it genuinely has incredible information. You might want to watch porn together, which is a turn on in and of itself, but also will give you some pretty creative examples of sexual positions. You could also read erotica to one another, as foreplay as well as a breeding ground for ideas on sexual positions.

Personally, I believe that the most important thing in spicing up your sex life is simply acknowledging that it needs to be spiced up. If you can get to a point where you can admit that things have gotten stale, and you can openly discuss ways to make things more interesting, most of the battle has already been waged. Good luck to you, and happy smexing!!

I haven't orgasmed with my boyfriend the last few times we've had sex. Is there something wrong with me? Because I do love him and I don't think of anyone else during intercourse, so he can't be the problem.

Without knowing the specifics of your sex life up until now, forgive me if I make a few generalizations (if I'm way off base, please feel free to contact me again). First and foremost, please don't feel like this means there is something wrong with you! The human sexual response is incredibly varied over time, and it would be very unusual to have the exact same response every time you have sex. If your mind starts to obsess over this issue, it could make things worse instead of better. I've said it before, and I will say it again--the most important part of sexual experience is the mind.

Let me ask you a few questions, to give you a hand. Have you been having sex more frequently than usual? Do you find yourself more stressed out or preoccupied? Have you been experiencing orgasms via penetration alone, or have you also been using clitoral stimulation? Having sex and orgasms with more frequency can dampen your orgasmic response. It doesn't mean you won't have an orgasm, but it can lead to less intense orgasms. If you are stressed out in any aspect of your life, that can also make it more difficult for you to make your O face. I cannot emphasize enough that it is difficult for most women to have orgasms via penetration alone--usually, women need direct clitoral stimulation, too. Have you been skimping on the foreplay lately? If you aren't already pretty wound up before you start having sex, that can affect your ability to achieve orgasm.

Regardless of whether or not you are having issues that I addressed in the last paragraph, I encourage you to be open about this topic with your partner. Obviously, you don't want him to feel bad that you haven't been achieving the big O--that's not what I'm trying to accomplish here. Rather, this is something you two can work through together, and it can bring you closer. When you have sex, mutual satisfaction is usually the overall goal. Try to come up with some ideas that appeal to both of you to heighten both of your sexual responses. Experiment with using a vibrator on your clit while he penetrates you. Use your own finger to stimulate yourself. Try different positions when you have sex, focusing on those that allow you to put more direct pressure on your clit (a great one to try is with you on top, straddling your boyfriend). The bottom line is use this issue as a way to bring you closer to your partner. Find a solution together. Try lots of different things. Not only can it help you get your groove back, but also it can introduce a new level of fun and passion into your sex. That's never a bad thing, in my book.

Do you have a question for Naughty Nurse Kimpy? Click the banner below, fill out the form, and get your answer in the next installment of Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy.


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Talk Nerdy To Me: Tech Geek Kink

A periodic taste of geeky goodness from our resident GeekPerv©, Trin.

So the Holidays are all behind us now and many of you may be sitting on some new electronics. Sure, they can play music, make calls, surf the web and keep you organized *unf I love me some organization* but I'm here to tell you it can do more. Instead of reaching into the nightstand when you need to get off just pick up your phone.

We all know that Apple has "an App for that" well they have an application for a decent vibrator too. MyVibe for iPhone is a free app that turns your iPhone into a vibrator. It allows you to change the settings by increasing the speed and intensity and you have the option for three favorite settings. I won't sit here and tell you it will give you a mindblowing orgasm, but it is a lot of fun to use for a little bit of discreet teasing on a roadtrip.

While we are talking about Apps also has another fun one for $2.99 Sex Dice Evolved. This isn't for some alone time, but to be used with a partner...or two. Most people have played with Sex Dice before, but the beauty of having it on your phone is you can play ANYTIME! I was so happy that you could customize the die to remove things if you wanted to. For example I HATE to be tickled so knowing I have a better chance of getting licked, fondled or nuzzled made me quite excited.

For all of you music lovers out there OhMiBod has just the thing for you. They offer you a wide range of vibrators that can worked wired or wirelessly to your phone or iPod to work in rhythm with the music. Some of the features include playlists, ability to wire the unit to allow your partner to control the settings and waterproof. They even have a bullet that is wired to you cell phone and is programed to turn on when you receive a phone call from a specific number. Talk about someone knowing how to push your buttons.

Last, but not least, I think I might be overlooking one of the most obvious things that you can do with that new phone. PHONE SEX. Especially with features of the new iPhone4 Facetime you can get very upclose and personal. I know a lot of people say they are too shy or embarassed to talk dirty on the phone but just like with anything out there, a little practice and you will be calling your honey at lunchtime to whisper some naughty notables in their ear.

I think it actually helps to be wearing those sexy things you talk about (espeically if you deicde to take pictures or video) because you are going to feel more confident. Just remember that your signifigant other is most likely thrilled to death that you would even want to do this, so anything you say he or she will love. That being's always fun get filthy, too! I read this article a while ago and it was about having phone sex as it related to the iPhone but I think it rings *sorry I'm corny* true no matter what device you are using.

Happy Ring-a-Ding-a-Lings to you all.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Lemon Report 12/28/10

The Lemon Report - Fancy finding out what is on the FF bookshelves of the Pervy Girls of the PPSS? The lemon report lets you know our personal favorite updates of the week, and why you should give the fic a try.... It’s a great place to trawl for new recc’s and don’t forget to share your favorite update with us by leaving us a comment.


Jess- I blame Chele for turning me onto Carlisle/Bella fics. I know, you’re probably thinking how blasphemous that is, but I can seriously say that this story is utterly breathtaking. The narrative is beautiful and so well written. Plus, this forbidden relationship is so filled with UST (which you know I love) that is sucks you and spits you out and leaves you begging for more. As I was reading through all the available chapters, I prayed that this chapter (the latest one) had something lemony in it, and sweet heaven in a backseat there was... go read!!!

AH, Ed/Bella, O/S,
part of the Cherry Exchange contest

Jeanne - If I have a soft spot for a certain storyline it has to be the long suffering crush on the best friend. I’ve been a sucker for this kind of love story forever. theladyingrey42 does a fabulous job of capturing the confusion, excitement and poignancy of this type of love. While this story was an entry for the Cherry Exchange, so Ed and Bella are both virgins, and yet their first try at intercourse is HOT! I especially enjoyed their clumsy fumbling at foreplay, though I don’t think they even realized what it was. This is a sweet and sexy story that is guaranteed make you Ed/Bella shippers squee your pants off.

Kimpy - I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record here on the Lemon Report, because I’m like a 12 YO Rob Pattinson fangirl when I flail over theladyingrey42 week after week. However, theladyingrey42 keeps writing such good stuff that my enthusiasm is completely warranted.

One of my biggest weaknesses is Bella and Edward being best friends and falling in love. There is something about knowing a person better than anyone else and having it grow into love that turns me into a complete mess of Kimpygoo. With Forever and Ever, theladyingrey42 spoils us with tons of awkward teenage lust and angst, with a helping of wires crossed communication.

The way theladyingrey42 is able to make her characters so vulnerable, and yet so appealing, is one of her signature traits, and this Edward and Bella is no exception. The sexual tension between them is so palpable, yet both of them are convinced that their attraction for the other is unrequited. As they enter high school, Edward’s awkward phase is clearly over, and he blossoms into the beautiful man we know him to be. Bella feels forever the ugly duckling, and naturally, the mean girls make fun of her in the locker room. As a reader, you’re a mere fly on the wall, but you feel her pain acutely, especially when she convinces Edward to date other girls because she doesn’t want to hold him back.

When they finally get their wires uncrossed, their awkward, fumbling, but altogether lovely moment of losing their virginity together is so satisfying and perfect, you want to jump up and down and cheer for these two. The sexual tension, the angst, the awkward--this story has it all.

Jess - I wish I could add something beyond what Jeanne and Kimpy have already said, but I can’t. Suffice it to say that this was the first story I read from The Cherry Exchange and is still one of my favorites.

Emmy - Like Jess, everyone has stolen my words!!! But this fic is fabbio. You must read it!!!!!

AH, Ed/Bella, O/S
part of the Cherry Exchange contest

Jeanne - There’s a simple, but none the less entrancing beauty to this story. Bella is the fundamentalist preacher’s daughter and Edward is blind. This doesn’t stop them from falling in love upon first meeting. Their mutual attraction is compelling and their innocent interactions are at times swoon worthy. I’m a cold hard bitch, but this story had me saying aww and fanning myself as I read.

Kimpy - All right, another active ingredient in the Kimpy Kryptonite formula is an Edward or Bella with some sort of disability. Edward is a stutterer? GAH! Suffering from a serious mental health issue? *heartclench* Deaf or blind? Kill me now, because my heart has already melted into a quivering mess. Thus, SydneyAlice already had me at “hello.” Or rather, “cherry pop.”

Charlie Swan as fundamentalist preacher man? Hmm, okay. That was a first for me. Bella as the good girl, always doing what was expected of her? I could see that. Edward is blind? Just moved into town? Attending church with his cousin Jasper? Hears Bella sing and practically falls in love with her in that very moment? Be still my heart. The relationship that ensues from this beginning is rather sweet and innocent, but you still know where things will end up because this *is* the Cherry Exchange contest, after all. The way they explore one another, using a myriad of senses besides Edward’s sight, is erotic and breathtaking. Every touch, whisper, nuance is full of tension. For me, the thing that totally clinched the story for me was Bella’s attitude about losing their virginity together--she sees it as a natural act of love, nothing to be ashamed of, and something to savor and appreciate. I couldn’t agree more.

Jess - I LOVED this Cherry Exchange entry. It was absolutely beautiful. As I was reading, I couldn’t help but love how Bella accepted Edward without even a thought to his blindness. Watching these two grow and fall in love was so full of innocence and simplicity. Absolutely gorgeous.

Kitty - OMG this was so pretty! It gave me happy sighs the whole time

Emmy - I think everyone has already said everything about this fic. It was a very worthy winner of the contest. Its so good. Edward’s difficulties are never trivialized but neither do they dictate. Just a beautiful tale. I love.

AH, Ed/Bella, O/S
part of the Cherry Exchange contest

Jeanne - You all know I’m a whore for porn, and you know I’m a dork, but I bet you didn’t know just how much of a dork I am for Star Trek. This story had me at Sex Tips and then it made me squeal like a nerdy teenage girl wearing Spock ears at Star Trek. Seriously, I was jumping up and down as I read this fic. All the fannishness aside, this is a great story about two very (socially) clumsy people falling in love. Edward is a geek, but in such a sexy way. OMFG He’s a sex advice guru for Christ's sake (Bella is his producer and best friend). To top it off they are both virgins. GAH! This story made my laugh, squirm and swoon. Honestly, where the fuck has TKegl been all my life?

Kimpy - The minute Jeanne showed me the title of “Sex Tips and Star Trek,” I was on this story like the Borg in pursuit of Captain Picard. I’m sure it comes to no one’s surprise that I am a Star Trek geek. Yes, Mr. Kimpy once taunted my baby sister, telling her our wedding vows were going to be in Klingon. He even told her that he was planning to dress baby spawn as a Klingon and tote him around for an entire day. Clearly, he understands how to press his sister-in-law’s buttons.

This incarnation of Bella and Edward was Trekker perfection, on so many levels. First of all, Edward is the “Frasier” of a radio show giving sex advice; naturally, Bella is his producer. Secondly, there is all kinds of unspoken sexual tension between them, and there has been for years. But best of all? Bella and Edward are taking a little foray on an upcoming business trip so that they can attend a Star Trek convention together. Oh, joy! Anyone who loves Star Trek will adore all the geeky ST references tossed around in this story. I nearly became undone when TKegl made the egregious error of referring to diehard Star Trek fans as “Trekkies.” Anyone who knows anything about Star Trek knows that they are known as “Trekkers.” I say “nearly,” because she corrects herself with a most awesome secret joke that made me squee, thus saving the day and making me laugh simultaneously. In reference to said secret joke, for the record? My sister-in-law has a “Star Trek Academy” bumper sticker on her car.

Go. Read. Devour. Resistance is futile.

Jess - So, I grew up with a Star Trek obsessed mother, and I too agree that The Next Generation series was the best of all of them. This story had me cracking up the entire way through. Edward as a sex therapist/talk radio personality and Bella as his producer, long time best friend, and secret crush. Together, these two were so adorable as they finally admit their feelings and give in to the sexual tension... UNF!

Kitty - ZOMG SQUEEEEEEEEEE!!! So yeah, I am a ginormous Star Trek fan, I’ve watched every season of every show, seen every movie and visited the Hilton in Vegas, so I just HAD to read this. I mean Edward dressed up like Locutus...KILL ME RIGHT THE FUCK NAO! Borg love FTMFW! I absolutely ADORE friendship secret love in fic and this one was so great from the time she yanked his tie out of his pocket to the sexy good times.

This is a Geekgasm to the core! *makes with the Vulcan salute* Live long and prosper.

AH, Ed/Bella, O/S
part of the Cherry Exchange contest

Jeanne - I love porn as much as any other perv, but I really love a story that can also fuck my mind. And Boy-Howdy did belladonna1472 do a number on me with An Enquiry into the Sublime and Beautiful. The interactions, and intellectual foreplay that happens between an educated, adult Edward and a very intelligent, and courageous, teenage Bella knocked me on my ass. While the story is fraught with a million different, very realistic, road blocks to keep these two apart, they just cannot resist the magnetic pull they feel for each other. The UST is off the fucking charts, and while many people may not like Edward, there is no denying the intensity of the connect between him and Bella. This story left me breathless and wanting more.

Emmy - Like Jeanney I too loved this fic. But I REALLY need more of it! Hahahah - I am a greedy bitch... But what do you think BellaDonna? Can I have some moarrrr please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?! ;)

AH, Ed/Bella, O/S
part of the Cherry Exchange contest

Jeanne - You don’t meet fic like this every day. This is a rare bird that rolls you over, yanks down your pants and fucks you so hard you forget your own name. Prettier than You is not for the faint of heart and DEFINITELY not for the WussPervs out there. It is, however, fantastically written, with amazing characterizations and has an ending that will make your eyes pop out of their sockets. negative energy is cool does NOT fuck around. From the first paragraph you know you’re not in Kansas anymore. Though, soon enough you don’t care. This Edward is as compelling as his back story is heart breaking. Bella is strong, snarky and sexy as hell. When they get together the world shatters in two, but that’s the messy reality of love, sometimes.

Eddie is a scene stealer in this fic, and the character that I have an intense crush on. It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to fangirl this hard over a fan fic character, but damn does Eddie do it for me. This will make sense when you read the fic, trust me.

Jess - Jeanne is so right; this is NOT WUSSPERV approved at all. I think my exact words to her after reading this were, “What the hell just happened? That was tragic.” And while it was, it was so amazing and beautiful. It is very well written. Bella is great and Edward is just heartbreaking. Put on your big girl pants and give this one a chance. It is SO good!

Everything She Does is Magic
by KristenLynn
AH, Ed/Bella, O/S
part of the Cherry Exchange contest

Emmy - Ok this is very late for a Halloweeny recc. But I feel that this can be enjoyed at any time in the year. Its witchy and sweety and lemony. Perfect! I enjoyed the characterizations and Bella’s belief that Edward is only interested in her because of the spell she cast on him the night before... Will she let that get in the way of a night of passion? What will be revealed by the time the night is through? A great read - its good fun but has a bit more substance to it too.

AH, Ed/Bella, O/S
part of the Cherry Exchange contest

Emmy - This is one of those stories that made me stop and think. Edward is autistic and moved back after Uni to his hometown, where he meets a new neighbor who is an old face. Edward’s unrest and confusion, how unsettled he is by the changes to his life are perfectly portrayed (imho), and how finding his Easy Bella brings him some peace and sanctuary whilst churning up new feelings and sensations is done amazingly. The lemon is beautiful, never smutty. To me this story shows and reminds us all that any sort of difficulty does not mean that happiness and intimacy should not be there. That sex and sexual feelings and thoughts don’t occur. I love how Bella and Edward learn together, that there are no barriers to ‘them’. Both POV’s were very well done, but Edward’s was , to me, particularly effective:

But she is here. And she remembers me. I held her and she responded. We were 'talking', like we used to do. Almost like we used to do. The language is different now. Just slightly off... like that eighth note on my piano keyboard. Only it isn't flat, it's sharp. Disturbing. Exciting.

Once more, I look at my watch. 4:26 a.m. It is too early, still too early.

Isabella my Easybella just Bella now.

She's back in my life. She is, isn't she? So confusing.

I usually don't deal well with confusion. But even the confusion is different this time. It's a tingling sensation in my stomach; it's pleasant. I don't want her to un-confuse me. I just want her to touch me again. I want to touch her instead of my piano. I want to hold her. Maybe I could play her?

4:42 a.m. Still too early.

AH, Ed/Bella, O/S
part of the Cherry Exchange contest

Emmy - This fic totally had me captivated. It was so different to most of the E/B fics I had read in contest and in the fandom at large. I think the religious themes are used beautifully here. The symbolism of the fruit and temptation was done in a top-notch style. . . . Never feeling contrived or over-blown. I believed in this naive Bella, and this sweet and gentle yet goading Edward... There nervous fumblings and flushings, give way to surety of thought and heart as Bella struggles to reconcile the two parts of her. Brilliantly done.

AH, Ed/Bella, WIP

Kimpy - Dead on My Feet’s Edward and Bella have yet to do the dirty deed, but OMG, does Cesca Marie know how to write UST or what?! This last week’s post was extra citrusy good, and I totally did a fangirl flail over her perfectly played canon moves in this chapter. Bella is more sexually experienced than is Edward, and there are many reasons why they aren’t having sex. Like canon Bella, however, Dead on My Feet Bella is anxious to move things along. These two have a habit of listening to a particular playlist together, often as the last thing they do before saying goodnight. The reason I have to include chapter 32 in this week’s report is because Bella added a special track in a playlist she made for Edward while he was in the hospital. Apparently, she was very down and dirty about the specific things she wanted to do to Edward, and then even included a track of her sounds while she masturbated. Edward’s reaction was positively priceless, and deserves some type of lifetime achievement Golden Lemon award for best use of dirty talking in a fic. His blush, and mouthed words to Bella, who is sitting innocently in a chair next to his bed, all while Esme sits on the other side of the room completely oblivious as to what is transpiring under her nose, was perfect sexual deviousness. I bow at Cesca Marie’s feet. Sheer, utter bliss.

Jess - Yes! Yes! Yes to secret sexy playlists. This story continues to be one of my favorites right now. While I love that, the part that completely made a breakthrough for me was Bella’s reaction to the good news that Edward was better and would likely be going home soon. Finally, we see her very real reactions and how devastating and emotionally draining it is to be strong in the face of people recovering from life threatening illnesses. Cesca Marie continues to impress week after week, and I can’t wait for the next update.

Teal - Although recent events in the plot have kept Bella and Edward from exploring the physical side of their relationship lately, that hasn’t stopped their love and affections from growing, even at Edward’s ickiest moments. I’ve loved seeing the way Bella has built up the UST and shown Edward how much she wants him, no matter what; it’s what he really needs in his weakest, most self-loathing times. This Bella has never denied that she can be a little naughty . . . raunchy . . . wild, and there was proof positive of that in the most recent update. Like the other girls said, she’s a total tease, and it was a delight to read. Now if only we could have a transcription of her dirty monologue . . .

AH, BE Complete

Chele - This is a beautiful story. AFragileLittleHuman does such a magnificent job with descriptive language, that when reading it I can feel my other senses come alive as they compensate for the void of descriptions of sight. Edward and Bella’s love is romantic without being overly flowery and their passionate is palpable.

The final two chapters of this ficlet posted this week, and if you haven’t already read it, now you can have the whole thing at once.

Jeanne - I forgot how much I missed this Edward. I don’t have a lot to add to what Chele has so eloquently stated.

If you are one of those Ed/Bella shippers that’s been wanting something sweet and romantic to read during your holiday break, The Beauty Within is the fic for you. Pour yourself a glass of wine, find a comfy seat next to the fire and read this little gem of a fic.

Emmy - What da whatty now? Jeanee & Chele are fawning over a B/E fic??? AND I HAVE NOT READ IT YET??? Seriously chaps, this is a poor show.... I am gonna have to rectify this one pronto!!! OK! Panic over!! I HAD read this fic!! But STUPID STUPID THICK BLONDIE here forgot to put the alert on!!! So I had no idea there was new chapters!!!!!! DOH! What a twat I be!! So panic over. But don’t be a dipstick like Emmy here. Go read now & ALERT the author!!! Thanks.

Kimpy - We recc’d The Beauty Within earlier this year, and I just loved Edward so much. Imagine my surprise when I got not one, but TWO updates for this story!! It’s like a Wussperv’s dream come true!! I didn’t know what AFragileLittleHuman could do to make this little gem any better than it already was, but oh, did she do it! I can’t elaborate more, but she added the lovely cherry on top of a Lollapolooza sundae. OM NOM NOM.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Perv Pack Pick: A Tale of Two Cities by TruceOver


This Month's Perv Pack Pick is...


Title: A Tale of Two Cities
Author: TruceOver
Chapters: 13
Words: 48,378
Reviews: 315
Summary: Emmett falls hard for a stranger at the airport. Edward refuses to give in. Will they be able to work through their issues and just be happy? *slash* AH Emmett/Edward

Kitty - Okay, since I’m the slash newbie, I haven’t really seen that many pairings but when someone said Edward and Emmett…dude, my little kitteh ears perked right the fuck up! I mean, my two favorite Twi men…together…making with the sexy times…TOGETHER?!?!

*runs around the room in a fit of squees*

First off, this Emmett is sooooo Emmett. He’s funny and cheesy and just a big ball of oh-my-god-I-wanna-hump-ya! I love Emmett. Love love LOVE Emmett. His inner voice is so made of win!

Second, that two of them together? GENIUS!! I’ve dabbled in reading slash, a one shot here or there, but this pairing has turned me into a full blown, losing my wee kitteh mind, I wanna watch them screw like bunnies slash whore. I also love how organic their relationship is, how genuine their feelings for each other are. And don’t EVEN get me started on how hot they are when they are making with the sexy times…

I feel him tensing, getting close, but I'm not sure that I've made my penance just yet. I pull him out of my mouth. "Get on your back, Edward," I say, and he doesn't object. He scrambles to the head of the bed as I lean over to my bag that is resting against the nightstand. I pull out a bottle of lube, and his eyes go wide in anticipation. I coat my fingers with the lube and he bites his lip, his hooded eyes never leaving mine.

I lean forward and push his legs open, propping one up so that I have better access. I reach forward with one coated finger, and look up to see his reaction. He moans in anticipation, and I push forward, slowly entering him. "Oh, Emmett," he says as my hand meets his ass. I move back and forth a few times, and his groans grow louder with each pass. "More," he whispers, so quietly that I can barely hear, and I add another, my movements slow, then finally quickening in pace. I bring my mouth down to him, covering him, my tongue curling against the head of his cock as my fingers curl inside of him. "Shit," he spits out, and I can tell that he's close.

Now Edward, Edward is very Edward in this. He over thinks everything and is so serious all the time, so much that Emmett dubs him “Mr. Serious” before he learns his actual name which is what makes them so perfect together. They balance each other out so beautifully.

Oh, and did I mention that the sexy times were hot?

He's panting, and my soapy hand is doubling the pace of his breaths. I move up against him faster and faster, wanting nothing more than to enter him. God, I want to be inside of Edward more than anything.

He mumbles something that I can't understand and I ask him what he said.

"Want…," he groans. "Inside…," he moans.

*flails like a lunatic*

I officially give this one 5 out of 5 prostate tickles.

Chele - When you’re ready for a well-written story with two sexy, masculine, tender men falling in love and having steaming hot sex, look no further. Emmett and Edward are gorgeously written - each are strong and successful, but contain a vulnerability which makes you just want to hug them and push them together... chest to rock hard chest.

They meet at a chance run-in (literally) at the airport, and while Emmett obviously and immediately feels attraction, Edward seems to be immune to his charms. Emmett pursues Edward with the exuberance of a crushing teenager, initially to no avail. What looks like a one time missed opportunity turns into more when their paths continue to cross during their respective weekly work travel and Edward eventually succumbs to Emmett’s charms. I mean.. who wouldn’t? He’s completely gorgeous, successful, and deeply kind hearted, all of which we see through his interactions with his friends and co-workers.

TruceOver’s method of “show me, don’t tell me” character exploration is spot on. Instead of long, drawn-out narratives, she lets the actions and discussions between characters reveal their personalities and perspectives. This allows readers to form their own opinions about the players involved, and form attachments to them. And trust me. I am deeply connected to both Emmett and Edward.

The story unfolds as these two guys try to see if their lives can mesh together. Though it is apparent that the love between them grows quickly, there are complications which keep them from immediately having the fairy tale committed relationship that they both so obviously want, and that I want for them. Meanwhile, they’re reveling in the time they are able to spend together, and as their emotional connection grows, their *ahem* physical connection grows as well. Yum.

TruceOver is unapologetic in her portrayal of the characters’ sexuality, and it is refreshing to read a slash story where the main conflict has nothing to do with the character’s being in love with someone of the same sex. The obstacles between Edward and Emmett are real and un-contrived, and only time will tell if they are insurmountable. I, for one, will be reading with dedication while they figure it out. A Tale of Two Cities is a charming AH that tugs on my heartstrings and my zipper. If you aren’t reading it, you certainly should be. Go ahead and start right now.

Teal - I for one love the trend of more Emmett-centric fics coming into the fandom in the past year. I mean, really, it’s Emmett -- he’s sweet, sexy, funny, and just plain awesome. Having Kellan to provide a lovely image for our boy certainly help. Umm, hellooooooooo Mr. Bajillion Abs *swoon*

Anyhoodle, let’s talk about this story. Let’s talk about how sweet and romantic Emmett is. Let’s talk about how willing he is to put himself out there, risking his heart, for someone he barely knows. Let’s talk about how rawrUNFrawr it is when these boys get down! What I enjoy about this Tale is that the chapters are short and concise but never lacking for great details and plot progression. Edward is apprehensive and damaged, extremely cautious, but he craves happiness with Emmett so much. He’s vulnerable and scared, which makes him incredibly canon, but at the same time, he’s so well suited for Emmett.

Another great part about this story is that it’s not just about the slashy yums. Granted, the sexytimes are something I flove, but there is a great plot here as well. Emmett and Edward’s pasts feel genuine, and the ways they interact with one another and all the people around them make both so relatable and believable. It’s easy to get caught up in their budding relationship, but at the same time, you’ll truly want to know what else is happening in their lives and how it will effect their future together.

We adore Big Gay Emmett here in the Shack, and this month’s pick is a fantastic addition to our list. Enjoy!

Emmy - I’m a twat who has duffed her wrist/arm in a freak Christmas Day incident (don’t ask!) So am struggling to type. So I will keep this review more brief and sparse than I would like to. My apol’s for that lovelies, its in no way a reflection on the Perv Pick of the Month, A Tale of Two Cities. Which is grand.

I love the characterizations, Emmett is a ff character I often struggle with, but not here. He’s loveable, warm, sexy and sincere. Edward is hot. (yes I am an Edward whore, don’t act surprised by this, its no revelation) Edward is lost, vulnerable and scared. Oh and hot. :D

The story builds really nicely, right from the get-go I was hooked into poor Emmett’s POV, how many times have we all seen someone hot, who piques our interest? And how many times do we do NUFFINK about it? Well if you are anything like me, way too many times to mention... Emmett does do something however, but it doesn’t turn out quite the way he has planned. Edward gets under his skin, and thankfully Emmett gets under Edwards skin too.....

Deliciousness follows.

This is a brilliant story, brilliantly told. Even if you normally read Edward/Jasper or Edward/Riley type slash, go take a gander on this loveable Emmett. He’s not raging, he’s just real and believable. Brilliant.

Kimpy - For anyone who has yet to discover the incredible hotness of m/m slash, I’m telling you--two guys together is just HAWT. And these two guys together? I have no words. They will send your girl bits into a frenzy, I assure you. A Tale of Two Cities’s Emmett is a lovely incarnation, amiable and hot, gaga for Edward the minute he lays eyes on him at the airport, but in a completely endearing way, not cheesy (even though Emmett considers himself to be a cheeseball of epic proportions; he isn’t). I’ve often wondered if I would feel the same way, spotting a beautiful stranger, so attracted that I would want to to follow him and introduce myself. While I would like to think the answer is yes, I know that I’m much more like A Tale of Two Cities’s Edward. Don’t make eye contact, sit by myself, hang up the invisible “DO NOT APPROACH” sign. This Edward is just one big heartclench--shy, private, reserved, and responsible with a capital “R”. He is also a DILFward to his little sister Alice, which makes him incredibly careful about the choices he makes in his personal life, and it causes him to eschew dating altogether.

Fortunately for us, Emmett is not like me, so we get to watch his attraction for Edward unfold slowly. Emmett is always the perfect gentleman, telling Edward all he has to do is say stop, and he will. All the while, I’m reading this, thinking to myself, “Don’t you even think of saying stop, Edward Cullen!” Emmett has to proceed with painful slowness, but eventually, he does get to proceed, and I was with him every step of the way. These two are great men, good family members, and the most loyal of friends. It made me so satisfied for both of them that Edward finally let his walls tumble down and allowed Emmett to get close. That’s the point where the story really begins to explode, and I do believe explode is exactly the right word choice here.

My inner 12 YO came out when one of the first things Emmett notices is Edward’s feet. As in, “His feet are... big.” I was giggling at the insinuation. The layers between them come off painfully slowly at times, but they do come off, and UNF. TruceOver includes the words in an author’s note at the end of a chapter: “So that chapter was about 80% lemon. I hope that was okay.” To which I can only reply, are you insane, woman? When would 80% Emmett/Edward lemons be not okay? *shakes head*

As their romance proceeds, Emmett takes to sending Edward random texts, and they are all kinds of adorable. They killed me in their sweetness, and, sometimes, their heat factor. TruceOver teases us to let us know that Edward and Emmett are engaging in phone sex, but doesn’t include us in the details of those *ahem* conversations. Please note the Kimpy pouted and stomped her foot when she didn’t get in on the phone sex transcripts.

The side plot in this story is Edward serving as Daddyward to younger sister Alice, and it is all kinds of endearing. In a really fun play on canon, Alice’s best friend is Bella, and Bella happens to have a crush on Edward, even though Alice tells her again and again that Edward is gay and her older brother. I giggled so hard at that. Jasper eventually shows up on the scene, and when he does, seeing Edward go into protective Daddy mode is delightful. He gets concerned about every touch, every silent moment, every little nuance.

In summary, the best advice I can give you is READ THIS STORY. Her characters are so endearing and compelling, you are cheering them forward into each other’s arms every step of the way. Certainly, there are missteps along the way, but for the most part, it is relatively angst-free, and just good, old, smoking hot M/M smut. MMMMM. Just the way I like it.

Jess - I adore slash. It’s like a guilty pleasure that just keeps on giving, but this was the first time I had read anything other than Edward/Jasper. So, when my fellow Pervs mentioned this little gem, I immediately jumped on it.

I love the playful, lighthearted nature of A Tale of Two Cities. Emmett is downright adorable, sweet, and so genuine. He’s the epitome of the all-American guy, owner of a sporting goods store, and very comfortable with who he is as a person. Not to mention, how amazing he is with his employees. He makes me want to work for him... for so many reasons. Love, love, love this Emmett.

Edward, on the other hand, is quiet, more thoughtful, but no less confident. He is hesitant to get involved with Emmett, shunning him several times, despite the desire he feels. But as the sole guardian of his sister, he feels a sense of responsibility to be careful and sure before he pursues his own relationships.

The sexy times are so freaking hot, mouthwateringly so, and sweet heavens you’ll need a moment after these two kiss. It just leaves you begging for more, wanting to see where it’s going to go, and how it’s all going to turn out.

The sun is low in the sky behind him, the last bits of daylight making his hair glow as if it's on fire. He leans back and we lock eyes, then he leans forward and puts his lips to mine. They're soft and firm and I kiss him back, so glad that he's making the first move. After a moment, he opens his mouth to deepen the kiss, my lips parting and welcoming his tongue. I moan a bit into his mouth. I can't help it. I feel closer to Edward than ever before, and the fact that he wants to kiss me like this again is driving me crazy. I want him so badly; in every way possible. I want to pull back and tell him over and over again, I want you.

His hands come up behind my neck, mine down at his hips. At the same time, we pull each other closer, moaning. Eventually, he pulls away, taking my hand again and leading me back towards the hotel. My mind races, hopeful at the possibilities of what he's thinking, and trying to remember not to push him.

We don't say a word, and when we're in the elevator he pushes the button for the eighth floor, where we've put both our belonging in his room in a rush to get to dinner. For eight floors we kiss softly, slowly, his hands moving up and down my back.

The doors open and I take his hand as we walk to his room. I'm not sure what to do; I want nothing more than to keep kissing him, but now we're in him room and I don't want to him to feel pressured to take this further than it has.

I move towards my bags, and he looks at me in alarm.

"Stay for a drink?" he asks in a hopeful voice.

Watching these two broach the beginnings of a new relationship is so heartwarming and tender. Their playful, UST-y banter is killer and the plot line is so rich and real. I can’t wait to see where these two go together and how they grow!

Oh... and watch our for FELIX! He’s a hot mess of a menace and will leave you panting. Unf! That’s all I’ll say about that!

Trin - I can say without a doubt that TruceOveris the first author I’ve ever read that makes me love Emmett MORE than Edward. Don’t get me wrong...I love this Edward, but holy shit i just want to eat Emmett up. He is so sweet and unapologetically cheesy that I found myself awwing out loud as I read.

The way their relationship evolves seems so real and sincere that you really become invested in these two. Annnnnnd....well, when they get busy it will make your heart pitter-patter.

Edward rolls over to face me and hitches his leg up over my hip. I pull him close, until his chest is touching mine. I can feel his erection against my own and the wetness of pre-cum against my stomach.

As much as I love the original leg-hitch, I REALLY loved this one too.

This is such a lovely, sexy and sweet story of two amazing men falling in love with one another that I am sure will warm every one's heart.

Jen - There are so many reasons to love A Tale of Two Cities. It’s so exciting to find m/m slash that isn’t E/J. TruceOver has created two very realistic main characters with believable back stories. Even the supporting characters are richly drawn, and you can’t help but fall in love with these two fabulous guys.

Let’s start with Emmett. I keep wanting to use the word ‘nice’ to describe TruceOver’s Emmett, but it’s really inadequate for expressing how wonderful he is. Emmett is everything you love about canon Emmett: loyal, friendly, caring, optimistic, and funny. Oh, and he’s persistent too. He wants to get to know Edward, the stranger he bumps into at the airport, and despite being blown off a number of times, he keeps trying until he makes it past Edward’s defenses.

I love this passage, which highlights what a sweetheart Emmett is.

"Well, you have some time now don't you?" I cock my head to the side and smile.

He looks confused.

"Our flight is delayed. Probably just enough time to go and get that drink." I hold my breath because here I am putting myself out there to a man who literally seconds ago told me that he doesn't date. Apparently he has made me loose all of my dignity and sanity.

"Um, yeah...I guess."

"Good." I say it simply, as if that's that.

I stand and motion towards the sign in the hallway that has a picture of a martini on it.
He looks at me, then the sign, and then back at me. He bites his lip. He bounces his knee.
And then he stands up.


I allow myself to smile, holding back the victory dance that I really want to bust out in front of everyone.

He’s so so damn adorable!

Before that happens Emmett--and this reader--feels Edward’s rejections acutely. He’s just such a genuine person with good intentions, who could possibly reject him? I wanted to throttle Edward for not giving him a chance. Fortunately Emmett has his bff Rosalie to ply him with sweets or give her support when he’s feeling emo and unsure of himself. She has some serious reservations about this man from the airport, but she’s gentle when she shares her belief that he should look elsewhere for a man.

Now for Edward. When Edward brushes Emmett off I was prepared to hold a grudge against him for making Emmett so sad. Emmett nicknames him Mr.Serious before he learns Edward’s name. He’s gorgeous, but carries himself like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders. Every story has two sides, and when you get to the first EPOV chapter and learn exactly why Edward reacts like he does, and just as Emmett’s pain pulls the heartstrings so does Edward’s. Even before he tells us why he’s so serious, Edward had me wanting to take care of him from the start of the EPOV.

The elevator door shuts behind me, and I want to bang my head against the wall. I can't believe what I've just done to Emmett…again.

I'm such a jackass.

I pace in front of the elevator, knowing that he is somewhere up on the 7th floor, my hand itching to push the button so that I can find him and tell him that I've changed my mind.

But I don't….because I'm a jackass.

Since they don’t get together until several chapters in, even the smallest hint of intimacy takes on incredible tension.
He's kissing me.

The kiss is sudden; his lips are on mine before I know it, and they're soft and forceful. His hand is on the back of my neck, pulling me closer, and I don't fight it. After a few seconds he parts his lips and I feel the warmth of his breath in my mouth, followed by his soft, wet tongue. We stand there perfectly still except for our tongues and our lips, which are having a conversation all their own.

He kisses me with urgency, with need. He deepens it and I let him because God, I need it too. His fingers curl up into my hair and he moans and it takes everything in me not to push him up against the elevator wall.

It's intense.

And I love it.

Ohmagawd that kiss.

Edward is protecting his heart, on top of all of the responsibilities that weigh on him. Emmett knows that he’s got to be gentle with Edward, or else chances are high that he’ll run off like a skittish animal. He’s adorable as he tries to woo Edward and to get Edward to open up to him. And damn, they are hot together.
He freezes, and I immediately realize why.

"Edward?" I ask as I pull him up against me firmly. "Did…that incident…did that turn you on?" I whisper into his ear as I rub up against his groin, feeling his erection against my leg.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Edward's cheeks go red, and he lowers his face into my neck. "Maybe…" he says as he rolls his hips into mine. "…a little."

Well hell, I wasn't expecting that. "Maybe," I whisper in return, "I can make things up to you…for behaving so badly."

He groans in response, and pulls my lips to his. He kisses me hard, his tongue invading my mouth, his hands in my hair. He doesn't answer yes or no, just kisses me as I grip his hips and pull him hard against me.

"Fuck," I whisper against his lips. "Let's go back to the hotel."


I want Emmett to engulf me in a bear hug, and I want to snuggle Edward and help bear some of his burdens. I absolutely adore these boys, and I’m sure you will too.

Jeanne - I decided to try something different for my rec. Please forgive the stuffy sound of my voice (I've got a cold) and my cheestastic radio-deeja sign off. Come on, we all know I'm a dork. ;)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Pervy Picspiration

Emmy wants your words. (amongst other things...) Every week Emmy will post a pic or 2 - containing phwoarrrr-worthy blokes from across the seas, some hunks from closer to home and sometimes some dangerously delish knickers and lingerie. What do we want from you in return? Well...... We want you to be inspired by these pics and to leave Emmy a delish drabble or longer story inspired by the pic(s).

Leave your story offering in the comments section and, if you want to, post it to your FF account (pm the link to Emmy at mentioning the PPSS, by the following Wednesday. Each Friday Emmy will reveal her fave (entirely personal & subjective opinions belonging to Emmy) and at the same time post the next pervy picspiration for your pleasure. Non-Canon writers don’t despair - Emmy might be tragically WussPerv©, but there are plenty of equal opportunity pervs in the pack longing to read those if Emmy turp’s out.

Emmy is DYING to see what dirty delights you are going to come up with...

*Please make sure your story offering is in line with our mission statement

So you are getting to see these gorgeous shots of Andrew Cooper again! See below for why!

We got another new recruit this week! :) Es My Brand of Heroin has joined our ranks! And not with a drabble?! Nope! With a One-Shot? NOPE! Only with a blooming WIP! :) E’s used the denim inspirations (& luscious Andrew as you can see above) as inspiration... So you all get to see Andrew for another week! Tough one eh?! In E’s story we have a misbehaving Bella and an Edward that looks beyond edible in his jeans... what do you think might happen?
Read Everyone Else to find out. . . . .

Go show Es My Brand of Heroin some love please! Make sure you alert/subscribe to her for more naughty treats. This one is a WIP folks!

So its almost time for CRIMBO!, or the Winter holidays if Crimbo ain’t your thang!!
So i know we are all going to be mega busy the next couple of weeks so these pictures are going to be up for a couple of weeks, giving you extra time over the holidays to get it done for me.. As a crimbo gift, to show your appreciation for the pictures I send your way...
But I will ADD more pictures next week for you, but you still ge twice as long to submit to me.
You have a motley crue of pictures to inspire you this week... Hoodie’s galore! ;) Sexy brit Ben, who is unffffff in his hoodie. And some delish rubber lingerie from Bordelle - including a rubber hoodie!

Go on! You know you want to. Maybe you haven’t written for a while. . . Maybe you haven’t written before... We don’t bite here at The Shack.. Unless you ask verra verra nicely... So go on send me something. Any questions you can tweet me, pm, dm or email me! Just get writing!!
A drabble, a O/S or a chapter. I love them all! Just give me some words please folks.

I’m waiting.........

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy

Naughty Nurse Special 22nd, December


The Naughty Nurse is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!


The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

Naughty Nurse Kimpy Gets a Little Help From Her Friends

In honor of the upcoming holidays, the Pervs are banding together to help Naughty Nurse Kimpy answer a very important question. Study up, Pervlings. The man in your life will be *very* happy that you did.


My boyfriend and I haven't had sex yet, but we have fooled around and I've seen his penis and touched it. And let me say! It's is unbelievable. He ranges around 8 3/4 close to 9 inches. I'm nervous though! I've never given a blowjob and I want to make it so good for him so he'll be spewing out, "Fucks." and, "Oh shit, baby!" How do I give a terrific blowjob?

How do you give a mind-blowing blow job?

Jeanne - First and foremost, a blow job is not like fucking a pussy and it shouldn’t be. So don’t try to simulate vaginal intercourse with your mouth, because, honestly, he can do that with his hand. Your mouth is a magical sexual treasure chest of tricks and surprises. Remember this when you set out to give head. Your lips and a tongue have a wider range of movement than your vagina, not to mention what you can do with the muscles in your throat, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I said “head.” *gigglesnort*

Another thing to remember is that men, like women, are all different. While I can tell you that men like their balls played with while you blow them, that may not be true for your man. That is why communication is so important. You will need to talk to your partner to find out what he likes, and if he isn’t sure you may want to try new things.

When exploring anything new with sex it’s best to do so carefully and CONSTANTLY check in with your partner to make sure he’s comfortable with what is happening. It’s also good to give him fair warning so he knows what to expect. Trust me, nothing ruins the mood like an unexpected finger in the ass. Clear communication before, during and after sex is a fundamental key to sexual satisfaction.

If your guys is shy about sex talk outside of the bedroom, try working it into sex play. Now, this doesn’t mean you need to interrogate him, which would prove to be difficult when you have a cock in your mouth. And you don’t have to talk like a porn star either (cause that can ruin the mood for some men). You just have to ask him questions in a sultry voice; “Is this part sensitive? Oh, do you like that? Should I do it again?” Watch his face and REALLY listen to what he says. If you are still unsure about how he’s responding something you’re doing, stop doing it. It’s best to be safe, and besides some guys won’t admit that they like something until you take it away. *wink*

Now, let’s talk tips. A lot people like to talk about deep throating, but this is NOT a freshmen trick. Your throat is not unlike your vagina, and while it can handle a lot, it CANNOT do it without training and preparation. Just like women need to go through Lamaze to train up for popping a baby out of their cooter, you need to train your throat.

Gag-reflex, everyone’s got one, and most of them are sensitive. You can work on that. How? Why by shoving shit down your throat, of course. Now, don’t just jam anything down there. You need to start slow and work up to the big stuff. I started out with thin popsicles. The cold helps numb your throat and get you used to the feeling of having something that far back there. Then work up to thicker items, like bananas. Also, try using Chloraseptic (throat numbing medicine) during practice*. It’s also important to

Trade secret: That’s right, I got one, and feel free to spread it around, because honestly every man in the world should thank me for sharing it. Deep throating is easier if you start with a soft dick. Yep, I mean limp as an overcooked spaghetti noodle. If you start sucking on him, and allow him to slowly harden in your mouth. You can get used to the feel of his dick slowly entering your throat, a little bit at a time, until suddenly you have a hard cock down your throat.

Once you have the dick in your throat all you have to do to blow you partner's mind and hopefully his load too, is to close your throat. Now this is not exactly like swallowing, but rather the start of that process (don’t get me wrong you can try to swallow around his dick, but I have found that you don’t need to go that far). Just relax and close your throat around his cock, while moving your tongue and play with his balls (if he likes that). Often you don’t even need to move your head while you’re doing this, and he will come so hard he may pass out.

Which reminds me, it’s best to have the guy laying on his back while you do this. That way you can be totally in control of how far down your throat he goes and he won’t hurt himself if he faints after coming. Laugh all you want. One of my former lovers still carries a scar on his temple from falling into a bookcase after I blew him. ;)

*Do not used any numbing medicines or numbing lubes while giving head, as they can diminish sensation in the penis and effect your partner’s ability to climax. Unless you want to make a run at the Guiness Book of World record’s time for world’s longest blow job. js

Chele - Not all dicks were created equal - let’s talk about the angle of the dangle. If your partner curves one direction (up, down, left, right, corkscrew), you may find better success in the going deep department if you align yourself to approach it that way. Dicks are generally not fond of bending once they’re hard, and it will reduce the amount of wrestling you have to do (leaving a hand free for other things) if you adjust your trajectory. If it’s heading to the left, come at it from the left. Move your whole body to line up; your neck will thank you.

Speaking of alignment. You may find that by positioning your mouth upside down - such as hanging off the edge of the bed - you are able to achieve a much deeper when you eliminate the ninety degree angle usually present at the back of your mouth.

Jen - I don’t know that this is advice exactly, but I think if you really hate and dread giving bjs then you shouldn’t give them. It’s no fun for you, and no fun for your partner. Well, yeah, a guy’s gonna get off with a hot, wet body part around his dick, but it won’t be as great as it could be. Wouldn’t you be kind of turned off if your partner went down on you making faces like he didn’t want to do it at all or thought that your girl parts were disgusting? I really didn’t enjoy it for years and would give a perfunctory lick or two when asked with puppy dog eyes. But somewhere along the way I found my inspiration, and I love giving them now. He loves my enthusiasm, I get turned on, it’s win-win. I do not have a sure-fire recipe for learning to love the beej. My path to the altar of head was a celebrity crush with what I am certain was a magnetic and all powerful crotch. I could totally imagine being on my knees for him, so why not for my husband.

Kimpy - Because I’m getting a little help from my friends for this post, I decided to ask the men in my life what *they* love about blowjobs. While their details were helpful, their answers were a tad... surprising. My panel of sexperts included my husband and several of my gay friends; I figured they knew the most about what feels best. As we all got to talking, every single one of them finally said, “You know, blowjobs are great and all, but it just doesn’t beat the main event. It’s more like an option from the dollar menu at McDonalds.”


I’ve been giving BJs for how many years, and it’s a suddenly a dollar menu option? Are you fucking kidding me? Once my boys calmed me down, they explained, and I ultimately felt much better. I was beginning to think I picked the wrong damn group of sexperts, tbh.

Hubby clarified on this matter. “It not so much about technique, although that helps, what really makes a BJ special is presentation.” HUH? It’s a hard penis, right? What’s this nonsense about presentation? “If the chick or guy seems totally into it, like they want your cock in their mouth more than anything else on god’s green earth? THEN it is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to you.” Apparently, it’s like watching your partner putting on the ‘O’ face; when you see someone getting off on your body, it is a total rush--especially when their lips work you up and down. So, pervlings? Love on the hard rod for all its worth.

As far as technique is concerned, besides being very into having that cock in your mouth, they all said how important it is to consider a blow job a two-step affair. Every good blow job requires hand and mouth. “It’s like a very wet hand job.” That means grip your fist around your man’s erection, and place your open mouth on top of your fist. As you glide your hand up and down the shaft, move your mouth in unison. It’s never a bad idea to use lube to assist you in the process. There are plenty of flavored lubes on the market for that purpose, because, let’s be honest--most regular water-based gels taste like ass. You already have a (hopefully) large object in your mouth, so it isn’t like you need any extra help challenging your gag reflex.

Another hot button for guys? Licking the underside of the penis head. It’s very sensitive. Don’t forget the balls, or that strip of skin between the balls and the ass--when combined with a mouth on the cock, it can be magic. However, the best, best, best thing you can do while giving head? Lube up a finger and knock on the back door. Those two sensations together are like the sexual equivalent of TNT. Just remember, though--use A LOT of lube, and don’t just shove your finger in there. Work around the rim, and gradually, gently, ease your finger in and out, getting more inside with each pass. If you can stand it, go for the prostate--it feels like the top of a walnut shell, only not as hard. Massage that little nub with the tip of your finger, and hello, nirvana.

Another little trick that I like to employ (yes, pervlings, I did hone my BJ skills before Mr. Kimpy was on board) involves some wicked tonguing. I use the “wet hand job” technique described above, but sometimes, I stop when the cock reaches the back of my throat. I squeeze the base of his cock with my hand, and stroke along the main vein using the tip of my tongue. Up and down, using as much pressure as I can. Then pull him out of my mouth, give a little bit of attention to the underside of the head, and go back for more.

For future reference, I fired my panel of sexperts.

Dollar menu. Hmmph.

Teal - This may be the biggest TMI post we’ve ever done, but damn it, we’re really going for it here, aren’t we? I would like to start by thanking Jeanne for pointing out that your lovely mouth is not a vagina (or bum) made for pounding away at. Granted, a skull fuck may be some people’s kink (men or women), but the fact remains that, in general, it’s not really fun for the person with the penis in their mouth. This is a personal pet peeve of mine (and not necessarily my fellow Pervs) that it happens waaay too much in fic. That being said, gentlemen, be kind to your lady. She’s doing you a wonderful service. Her teeth are incredibly close to your peen. She could bite at any moment. Don’t choke her (or him)! Apply that to your fic and/or real life as you see fit. =)

Now that I’ve stepped off my soapbox, let’s get some perspective. Personally, I love oral sex because it is the ultimate juxtaposition of control. Sometimes, the person on the receiving end has control (or the illusion of it) because their partner is on their knees, in a submissive position, and unless it’s a 69 situation, they are providing really fucking awesome pleasure with nothing in return. On the other hand, the giver can also have the upper hand because they are in control of every sparklegasm-y sensation and bit o’ goodness that the receiver feels. They decide the tempo, the technique, and if that person will get to come. At the most perfect times, both partners can find a way to meet in the middle, utilizing verbal and nonverbal communication to get the job done in a way that will leave both parties smiling and happy.

Furthermore, I am a firm believer that the connection you feel to your partner, whether a one night stand or your husband of 20 years, makes a huge difference. If you’re not feeling it that moment or mentally into the act, it’s probably going to be lackluster for both of you. In 95% of those cases, I’d say it’s best to choose an alternate activity. Seriously, the world won’t end if he doesn’t get a beej, no matter what he tries to make you believe. Alternately, if you’ve got your man and there’s nothing you crave more than his cock in your mouth, well, you’re ready to learn some new tricks.

That being said, do yourself a favor and give and/or receive oral sex whenever possible. It will make your life much better, especially if he’s the kind of guy who always reciprocates! Spontaneous offers of great head are always a good treat, and they prep him for more action throughout the day (or night). One of my favorites is the Good Morning BJ. This is especially lovely if you’ve already been sleeping naked (hopefully from a nice romp the night before). There is nothing like the reaction of a man who is still mostly asleep waking up all disoriented and realizing that there is a warm, wet mouth around his cock. Whether or not you finish the job or it leads to intercourse is up to you two, but I promise he will fall a little more in love with you for it.

As far as technique, I always find that wetter is better. Sex in all forms is sloppy, and that’s half the fun, so give him a healthy tongue bath. If you have to work a hand (or both) into it, you’ll already have a little lubrication to work with. Don’t be shy. Everyone is different as far as how soft or rough they like sex, but don’t be afraid to experiment with a little teeth scraping. Start light and gentle, of course, and if he displays any signs of discomfort, for the love of smut, stop! This is another circumstance where communication is very important. Some guys will want you to bite a little; others are too sensitive for anything like that.

Utilize that tongue! Swirl it, flick it, tease with it, and make him beg for more. This is easiest around the head or when licking up and down the shaft, but you can still do some tongue tricks when he’s all the way in your mouth. I like to take in as much as possible and bob shallowly there while moving my tongue from side to side quickly. This creates a unique sensation for him as it is extra attention on the base/underside of his cock. In my experiences, it gets the big thumbs up.

Finally, if you have a gay friend you can discuss blow jobs with, by all means, DO! No one understands a good beej better than a man who has both given and received a hummer. He will understand what feels the best and be able to tell you the things he does for his partner(s) that make them beg for more. If you don’t have your very own gay . . . there’s always gay porn. *giggles and walks away*

Happy cocking sucking, my dear pervlings!

Trin - Most of the other ladies have already given so many good pieces of advice but I have just a few other things I’d like to add.


Really. I mean they are just hanging out like the kid to be picked last for kickball. They want to play too.

Some people have an aversion to a ball or two in their mouth, but I think if you are sticking a cock in there why not a little more? If you want to start off slow lay your partner back and position yourself between his legs. (NGL doing the sex kitten crawl up the bed to his dick thing is always a winner.) I like to tease the tip with my lips, butterfly kisses if you will, before I dive right in. Once you make that first pass really search out the ridge of his head with your lips and apply slight pressure as you move him in and out of your mouth. I personally don’t like using my entire hand around his cock I just use my middle and pointer finger to slide down to the base making the skin even tighter. With your hands already in place your thumb is just sitting there with nothing to do, I say stroke those balls. Once both of you are comfortable with this move your other hand to cup and apply light pressure, too. Then from there add your mouth and tongue, if you feel up to that.

And I just want to second Teal’s advice, Good Morning BJs are fantastic. I can’t lie I get a little cocky *tee-hee* when hubs has that goofy grin on his face when I’m done.

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