Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!
The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.
Given the current climate of rampant misinformation regarding BDSM, the Girls at The Shack thought that there'd never been a better time to revisit this post. Our thanks go out, again, to MsKathy for sharing her wisdom and experience.
My boyfriend and I have only been together for six months. I guess I have a fetish or something but I always wanted to try bondage with someone (in all my 27 years of life I want to finally try it) and I trust him more than any other of my previous boyfriend/lovers. How would I bring it up to him, I don't want to sound like a crazy woman saying "get the rope and tie my arms together". And warnings/precautions should I take if we take it to that level?
There is a statement in the Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy description that says, "If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn't know the answer, she'll find an expert who does!" This is one of those times. The lovely, knowledgeable, and wise MsKathy kindly agreed to handle your question. While MsKathy is incredibly well-versed in BDSM, this is not intended to take the place of expert advice. Remember, never play without a safe word, ever.
Now, I turn the podium over to MsKathy:
If you think your proclivities (I am careful of the word "fetish" - just a personal preference of mine) may extend beyond bondage, I would suggest that you take time to explore those in your head. Make sure you have a clear understanding of how you feel about things -- how will you react if he is vehemently opposed? Is this something you need to turn into a reality, or can you live with it just in your head as a fantasy?
I recommend a great book called When Someone You Love is Kinky -- unfortunately, it's out of print. If you can find an older copy, it can be a great ice-breaker and way to bring up the topic. A newer book, which I previewed online but have not read the entire contents of, is How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM . I can't entirely vouch for the book, but what I read from the preview section seemed great. I have it on order to add to my library.
I also recommend Screw the Roses. Just preview the table of contents and you can see how in-depth it is. It may be too much for what you want/need right now.
I love Jay Wiseman, and so anything he writes gets my personal recommendation. He has a book called SM101 that you might find useful.
Are there warnings/precautions you should take? Of course. I could spend all day telling you about them, literally. Think about it like this: you are doing something that has the potential to end in great bodily (and mental) harm. You should take every precaution available to you. Of course, every time you get in a car, you take the same risks, so follow the same guidelines: get educated, make informed risk choices, and be with a partner (driver) that you are confident in. If you don't trust your partner, DON'T DO IT. I'm not saying you will have 110% "natural submissive" trust the first time you get tied up, that would be unrealistic, but you should have an essential foundation in your relationship of trust, otherwise, it's my opinion that you shouldn't travel down the paths where extra trust is required.
How do you get informed? You read, you talk, you research, and (imho, the most important), join a local group. Most of my knowledge was picked up by doing, practicing, and absorbing from/watching those smarter and more educated about the topics than I was/am. Yes, book knowledge helps, but there are so many nuances that you would really be missing. Going to a local group/meetup isn't nearly as nerve-wracking as it seems (okay, after the first time it isn't!) -- trust me, the people are nice, and warm, and lovely, and they will WANT to help you learn. They won't (all) be obvious practitioners, some will be just like me, your average-looking mom-type that has a dirty private life.If you're just TOO nervous and you just CAN'T POSSIBLY join a local group (I've been there, and sometimes there are legitimate privacy concerns), then read as much as you can. Have your boyfriend read the books with you. Maybe read them to him. Talk about it. Talk about bondage techniques, rope types, the benefits of different kinds of rope, buy rope together, play with it, test it, but please, please please be safe about it. Keep safety scissors on hand AT ALL TIMES when using rope - even when you think you're an expert. Why this kind? The end is blunt and can be used quickly, without much thought, and won't stab your partner.
If you're not all about rope, you can get something as quick and simple as this--under the bed restraint system-- that works with your mattress and such. PLEASE still keep the scissors handy!
If you play with handcuffs that are leather/fabric, scissors are a must. If you play with metal, make sure you have more than one key, and keep your spare someplace easy to find/access. Many of the smaller locks use the same key, so if you buy multiples, you can have them tucked away discreetly in several spots, in case of emergency. I keep a set on my keyring and no one has ever asked me what they're for, but I KNOW if I panic, I can get them easily. If you get into heavy metal / handcuff / chain bondage, keep bolt cutters handy (I'm totally not kidding).You can use a variety of materials to bind
someone, all with varying degrees of safety and efficacy. Off the top of my head, I can think of rope, cuffs, tape (animal vet tape is my fav, medical tape, duct/packing tape if you like pain, depending on placement), saran/plastic wrap, cat5 cables (mhm, I went there, NERD ALERT), chain, etc.I'm thinking about all of the possible warnings I want to give, and they are vast -- more than I could cover here. Some people will disagree with these rules, but they are mine and I stick by them. Don't use rope alone. You shouldn't leave someone tied up alone, or out of earshot. Buy a copy of Gray's Anatomy (not the TV show, the medical guide) -- yes, it's expensive (I got mine at a used bookstore), and maybe boring, however, the more intricate you(r partner) plan to get with the ropework, the more important it becomes to understand muscle placement and nerve locations. One of the most important things is to pay attention to your partner, or for your partner to pay attention to you. Do I ask "what color are we?" 90 times an hour, like in fic? No. I use my eyes, and my ears, and I pay attention. I expect my partner to tell me if they are in distress, unless I've forbidden speaking, but then I do check in slightly more than usual. Always have a safeword, and if it makes you feel better, you can use the color system (green=go, yellow=caution, red=stop), but I find that doesn't work for me, for various reasons. Use what works for you.
There is a lot of responsibility in all areas of topping/bottoming/subbing/dominating, even if you're just going to be a casual participant. Please do not allow the "casual" to lull you into less research and taking it less seriously.On to the fun topics -- here are some other great books about bondage specifically. You could wrap one of these and give to your boyfriend as a hint and/or to open the topic of discussion.
Erotic Bondage Handbook
101 Step-by-Step Knots
Dare... to Try Bondage
Above all, even with my cautions and red flags
and begging you to be safe, have fun. If you're not having fun, there's absolutely no point in doing it!I hope your boyfriend is open to hear about your fantasies. I know what it's like from the other side, so if he's resistant at first, please give him time and space to try and absorb and assimilate what you say. People are always surprised when I tell them that I wasn't the one to dive into the world of kink first, my husband was! I was scared at first, nervous about what it meant for us, for our relationship, how we would change, would we ever have "normal" sex? and about 900 other questions went through my mind. However, we talked. Then we talked more. The rest is history!
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