Get to know SubtlePen

“Click!”

*sits up a little straighter, adjusts the lay of Peter Pan collar over cashmere cardigan, crosses ankles demurely, cocks head to the side, lays hands in lap*

Pardon? Am I…? Oh! How kind of you to ask! Why, yes. Yes, I am a Proud Pervling!

*immediately sheds the fake Donna Reed getup (revealing a sequined g-string, tasseled pasties and an impressive toolbelt-o-sex toys), twirls upside-down on a giant chrome stripper pole, blows a kiss to the boys in the front row, suggestively licks her lips for the girls behind them*

I’ve always been a bit of a hussy, able to turn virtually any benign conversation into sexual innuendo in seconds flat. I’ve also always been a writer, journaling and creating stories from an early age, and later dramatizing my pervy fantasies. One I still remember involved sexing that culminated just as the Russians launched “The Bomb” at the US, and the world exploded in a fiery nuclear mushroom cloud. My fantasy man (modeled after my boyfriend, ca. 1982) simultaneously exploded into my [total Mary Sue’s] tight, hot, wet pussy in a cataclysmic eruption!!11!!eleven!

My characters were instantly vaporized in a nuclear holocaust, but they had great sex as it was happening. Most powerful orgasm, EVAR! What a way to go, yeah?

Ok, so I’m old, and I grew up during the cold war.

…and I’m a little dramatic. The cold war ended about the same time as my relationship with Mr. I-Want-To-CumSplosion-And-Die-In-Your-Arms. That filthy, cheating bastard.

Random: For some reason, at one time in my life, I considered the sound of a wet bathing suit hitting a tiled floor a very sexy sound. I still haven’t figured that one out. *splat* I might have even used it in a fic…

I work a very mundane full-time job, have a wonderful husband of 16 years and a seven year old son who inherited my story-telling gene. I watch very little television. I am constantly playing devil’s advocate, which is different from pessimism. It bugs me when people call it being ‘argumentative.’ I am sarcastic, gutter-minded, and quick with a comeback. I have little patience for office politics, manufactured life drama, disingenuousness and ass-kissing, so I tend to say the things everyone is thinking, but no one has the guts to admit. There is no elephant in my room. I have a weakness for New Mexico, Monty Python, tragic love stories, people who aren’t afraid to own their quirks, and crème brulee.

I love to read, and have been known to read a book five or six times in a row. The first book that I ever totally obsessed over was probably Marion Zimmer Bradley’s The Mists of Avalon. I spent an entire decade obsessed with Arthurian romances and Paganism. Come to think of it, that was probably the first time I realized I liked slash. Mmmmm Arthur/Lancelet… Hey – it was only one scene, but a girl can fantasize about being Gwenhwyfar in the middle of that mansandwich, right? Right?

It took me +15 years to finish Jane Eyre (which I now adore), but I refuse to read Jane Austen. Yep. I said it.

Other books that had a huge impact: Nevil Shute’s A Town Like Alice, Frank Herbert’s Dune, Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, Richard Bach’s Illusions, Wayne Dyer’s Gifts from Eykis, Peter Mathiessen’s In The Spirit of Crazy Horse, and Dee Brown’s Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee. (name that theme? and… go!)

Did you know that in the Daphne DuMaurier’s Rebecca, we never learn the current Mrs. DeWinter’s first name? Genius.

I’ve tried to read Anne Rice, but I. Just. Can’t. Do it. *steps away from the razor blade*

The summer of 2008, a coworker turned me on to Twilight, but failed to mention it was ‘teen lit,’ and I was so rant-tastically disgusted that there was no sex in it, several other coworkers had to talk me off a ledge with promises of finding some good fanfiction smut for me.

Fan wha?

I don’t remember the first Twilight fan fic I read, but it wasn’t good. Probably horrific Jacob/Edward wolf/vamp slash. I fic dived (dove? whatev) several websites until I finally discovered Twilighted’s Most Recent list, and the rest is history. Some of the earliest fics I remember finding there are If It's The Beaches, The Arrangement, and Hiding In Plain Sight. Sadly, all three remain unfinished, but my love for them has never wavered, and I still have hope….. *casts the abandoned-fic stink-eye*

My holy triumvirate is a well-sold plot, depth of characterization, and better-than-average grammar/structure/vocabulary. You have to have at least two of the three to keep me invested in reading. I’ll read just about anything – slash (yum!), non-canon pairings, all-human, vamp/canon, alt-universe, angst, romance, drama, fluff, PWP – as long as it’s well written or has a plot so bloody fabulous that makes it worth overlooking otherwise grievous flaws. I love the unexpected – plot twists, unique reveals, creative use of canon elements, unusual settings. Make me believe, and I’m yours forever.

I can ship just about anything these days. Emmett/Jake? Bring it. Jasper/Leah? Sign me up. Bella/Rosalie? FemmeSlash isn’t really my thing, but I’d give it a try. Seth/Alice? I could see that. Edward/Felix? If Jasper was dead, no problem. Carlisle/Charlie? Oh hell yeah! …Esme? Only with Carlisle. Ever. That is all.

I started writing fic with Mind Over Matter , my smutty character study of canon BxE, pre-wedding. Somewhere along the line, a heinous nightmare ended up being the slightly controversial Aro’s Heir , and a plethora of drabbles and one-shots have since followed. Currently, I’m still trying to hammer out the final chapters of Aro’s Heir, toying with a few new one-shot ideas and contest entries, and polishing the bones of an original fic.

Twilighted.net is still at the heart of my fic obsession, but I post more stuff to FanFiction.net because it’s just…easier. *sigh* In my perfect world, they marry and have a baby, and no one names it Renesmee.

(bouncing in my seat to see how Summit pulls off a PG-13 VampSarian delivery for the big screen)

Happy Perving!

*sloppy kisses and an awkward curtsey for Bethie, Emmy, Hope, Jeanne, Kim and Nina for honoring me as Perv for a Month*

*twirling, with squee hands*

-Liz “SubtlePen”

SubtlePen on Twilighted: http://www.twilighted.net/viewuser.php?uid=6198
On Fanfiction: http://www.fanfiction.net/~subtlepen