Thursday, April 28, 2011

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy


The Naughty Nurse is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!

The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

I am, er, quite loud when I'm into it. Problem is, I don't live alone. When I used to have a guy around it was less embarrassing, because everyone makes noise when they have sex. But I don't want my roommates to know I'm masturbating; that's just embarrassing. I use earphones when I watch porn, so that's that. But I don't know what to do about my own voice. I've taken to masturbating when I'm the only one home, but sometimes I'm so worked up that I just want to go straight up to my room and have a good wank. But I can't if the others are home, because, like I said, I'm quite loud. Any advice?

Hmm. This is a tough one. Part of me wants to tell you to just go for it and not hold back, because I don't want you to feel stifled when you masturbate; it isn't called self pleasure for nothing, after all. However, in our society, it's not necessarily cool to go at it with yourself within earshot of your roommates. To some people, it can border on rude to be so thoughtless. Ultimately, I want you to feel comfortable masturbating whether your roommates are home or not.

As a parent, I've had to master the art of stealth sex, which isn't easy, especially when you're having really hot sex. It's hard to learn the stealthy part, especially if you are used to making noise. I think one of your issues may be the fact that you wear headphones, which limits your ability to gauge your own sound level. What sounds soft to you may be incredibly loud to your roommates. Perhaps it might be best to use headphones on one ear, leaving the other one open to hear exactly how loud you are being.

Another suggestion is background music. I'm not saying it has to be loud, but enough so that is detracts from any noises you might be making. It would work kind of like white noise. I'm hesitant to suggest a pillow or piece of clothing, because there is a risk of accidentally suffocating yourself with those methods. I think you simply need to experiment by trying very hard not to vocalize. Touch yourself, but put your other hand over your mouth. Work your way up to getting very aroused, and see how well you can do. It's more a matter of practice than anything else.

The bottom line here is that your roommates might just end up hearing you masturbating sometimes, and there won't be anything you can do about it. Nearly all of us masturbate, whether we have a partner or not, so it isn't like you're doing something taboo, after all. If you find a way that works best for you, please let me know, so I can pass it along to other readers.

I am SO glad to have discovered this place, because I have been way too embarrassed to ask before. But finding this place, seeing the type of questions asked and the no-judegement and completely frank responses has finally given me courage to ask, so here goes.

It has been a while since I've been in a relationship. Soon after the last one ended, I came to the decision that I didn't want to be in a relationship and wanted to enjoy being single. But, obviously, I missed sex, so I tried a sex-buddies kind of thing, but that didn't work. And reading saucy romance novels to fill the void in my sex life didn't help at all, as they were too flowery nowhere near as sexy enough for my tastes.

Only recently I've become happy with not having a man (read: cock) around. This happened around the same time I discovered fanfiction (mostly Harry Potter, as I've never really gotten into the Twilight fandom) and started browsing online porn. Both have been quite a revelation, as I have discovered things that I like (and I mean really, really like) that I had no idea about before. However, a lot of my internet searches have proven quite fruitless, so I'm hoping you might be able to direct me in the right place.

Firstly, if you read Harry Potter fanfiction, can you recommend any particular sites which include, either exclusively or extensively, erotic fanfiction? My particular preference is Marauder-era fanfiction (I don't know why... the first story I came across just happened to be a Lily/James story).

Secondly, I've really found myself enjoying porn a surprising amount. I actually became quite addicted to it a while back as it really, really helps me masturbate. But the problem is, most of the online porn I've found is (obviously) targeted at men and is rather crude. Strange thing is, as I'm also sexually attracted to women (I hesitate to label myself as bisexual, because my interest in women is far more selective), I do like watching two women together, and I'm definitely into big breasts; so I shouldn't have that much of a problem with the porn material I've found. But... well, sometimes it just leaves me wanting. Do you know of any porn sites that is more geared to a female audience?

I have to say, it fills me with warm fuzzies to know that women feel safe submitting questions for Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy. You will always receive non-judgmental, factual information from me. Trust.

I commend you for figuring out that you really want to enjoy being single. It takes a lot of maturity and self-confidence to be comfortable enough with yourself to prefer that option. Good for you. Naturally, being single does bring with it the fact that you don't have a regular partner, so you can end up having less sex than you prefer. I also applaud you for trying to do Friends With Benefits, but deciding that it didn't work for you. I'm really impressed with your ability to go for what you want in your sex life, and not to settle for something less.

I appreciate that romance novels don't quite do it for you; I'm not a big fan of the genre, either. In fact, I nearly didn't even read Twilight because I have such a bias against romance novels. But I digress...

I may have let loose some silent squees of solidarity when you discovered the thrill of the steamier side of fanfiction--welcome to the club. It's an incredibly liberating experience to find other women who embrace the inherent pleasure of having sex, as well as their sexuality. It was a real revelation for me, too. For example, until I read The Submissive by Tara Sue Me, I had no idea that BDSM was something that could be incredibly appealing and hot.

While I'm not into the Harry Potter fandom myself, I do have a lot of online friends who are. I asked my good friend Cesca Marie for some ideas on good Harry Potter erotica. Here are the sites she recommended:

Adult Fanfiction


Eros n Sappho



If you want to do your own search on, we suggest narrowing your searches by character and rating.

I'm not surprised to learn that you are open-minded enough to take a good look at yourself and recognize that you while might not be an avowed bisexual or a lesbian, you might not be completely straight, either. To reassure you, there are a lot of people out there just like you; welcome to the ranks! Free toaster ovens to all new recruits! Here are some ideas for finding good, lesbian-produced porn that isn't necessarily geared toward straight men:

Candida Royale

Best lesbian porn by and for lesbians

HBO's documentary Pornucopia, episode 5

You can also do a Google search of porn production companies that are owned by lesbians and use real lesbians in their films. Good luck to you!

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Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that the last person really isn't alone in being 'not entirely straight', liking lesbian porn and being attracted to other women. I myself know that I am like that, I might even bisexual, but I don't like to give it a name. I don't think it's necessary to label yourself, just enjoy life and accept the way you are :)

Anonymous said...

Also, for some good Lily/james smutty fics, try the nc17 section of which was built up around the pairing. The past few years it's dropped off, but there are some great fics on there, such as anything by sarinalini (or something like that) or beedaily. By searching around the site, you'll find some good sources as well.

kimpy0464 said...

Comments like these are why I flove ANNK readers so much! Thanks to both of you for sharing the goods. I'll share them with readers this week! <3

Anonymous said...

I simply couldn't pass this post by without leaving a small contribution :P For those who like smutty HP fics with Hermione/just about anyone, I'd definitely recommend Granger Enchanted. There are a lot of quality fics over there, covering the entire spectra from soft to hard core.