Monday, March 16, 2009

An Open Letter to the Brit from Alice

The following is a message to Robert 'Fucking' Pattinson courtesy of Alice Hale aka Feathers_mmmm author of the fanfic "I Love L.A."

An Open Letter To The Brit

Enjoying your fan fiction are you? I knew it...and for that matter....I knew it. Get you some, read it, love it. Shit, I do.

Riddle me this my Brit Pretty, are you an I Love LA fan? Hmm?

Let's think about this. Picture it, Cicily, 1922. I mean, LA, 2008. A lonely misunderstood hottie with great hair sits alone in his apartment (which he calls flat, because come on ) surrounded by empty Hot Pocket boxes. Taking a breather from his manic microwaving, his long and highly fuckable fingers strum absently across a keyboard. He has heard stories that there are stories on the internet, but does he dare? Does that make him his own stalker? He looks around the room, his eyes lighting on the cell phone with no calls. The empty bong. The fridge with nothing in it but beer and chinese takeout from Shalom Hunan.

"Fuck it," he thinks, and googles fan fiction. And he finds

And it begins...

So hey man, read on. Smut on. We don't think less of you, in fact, our estimations of you have gone up. Although in the words of one of the members of the Perv Pack Smut Shack (which I now definitely think you have visited), "All day long I have been looking over my shoulder, wondering if he is here...*flashes tatas*)

So my Robbie, if you are indeed here...we collectively flash you our tatas, our tits, our teeters and titons, and we hope you will take it in the spirit of how it was intended. Pure lust and admiration. And the hope that one day you will put your Mr. Pattinson between them...too much sharing?

And if I see a username like "noitsreallyme" or "obviouslyitsme" or "georgemcfantastictits" I am totally pm'ing you. And boo to anyone who tries to pose as a fake Robbie with these names. Remember loves, I can smell a lie like a fart in a car.

And hey, if you are an I Love LA reader, I hope you are satisfied with the giant peen and mad oral skills I have granted you. And here's hoping that someday they will both find me...

You like it HARDCORE AND WELL WRITTEN? Well shit, love, thats how we roll.


P.S. If you are reading this, send me a sign. Wear the demon beanie. If I see you wearing the beanie, I will know you are reading this...

And you better not be fucking anyone to Prodigy...dirty little birdy


Blissfully Delusional said...

I've only recently stumbled upon this smut-stained gem and I'm already in love. Just wanted to throw that out there.

In regards to this post, you're a genius. I dearly hope that he reads it and that his feathers are thoroughly ruffled and that he has to wank off of a good one to relieve the tension that's accumulated during his smutty fanfic perusing.

But you know, it's not like I really care...


antiaol said...

Good Lord. That's just straight up fuckawesome writing right there.

I have a better suggestion, tho...Rob, if you're reading this - show us yer peen. Fuck the beanie, bb.

Emmy said...

Hehe! I love Alice, love her fic & love this letter!
& Rob. I am with Bri, show us your wanger! Yup we are talking your crown jewels,your meat & two veg.... Cheers!

Molly said...

OMG. That was fanfuckingtastic. You are a woman after my own dear heart and literary skills.

Rawk it to Robbie!

You're the (wo)man!

~JO~ Cullenitis said...

hahahaha Fizzer......I love you.

Tallulah said...

Oh my, Alice. Well said, babe. We need to come up with a SERIOUSLY obvious sign...something for Rob to do that we'll TOTALLY know is for us...I mean, he DOES visit the Shack, right? ;)

Put on yer thinkin' caps mah horny bitches...the MILFs have landed and they want ROB fucking Pattinson.

Starfish said...

85 kinds of awesome, and what every single FF writer has fantasized about since reading that RPattz reads FF.

I think it's time the PPSS got a cafe press store so the boy can buy a shirt and show some love, bbs. :)