Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!

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DISCLAIMER:

The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

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Apparently, the subject of jilling off hasn't been closed yet. A helpful reader volunteered some hints for my virgin readers who are just learning about self love:

I love your posts, this week's especially. I know how stressful it can feel if you are just starting out on th Road to Self Love, if you catch my drift.... While I too am still a virgin, I started on this long and winding road back in high school, and never looked back! I wanted to give a suggestion to those who may be new to this gift we give ourselves. Take a relaxing warm bath or shower to de-stress, but try going further with this particular setting. Remember, tub faucets and extendable shower heads are beautiful inventions! Hope this helps, and please keep up the good work! I look forward to your post every week!

P.S.--Naughty Nurse Kimpy is blushing. Thank you.

First I want to congratulate you on this awesome column, it has proven very helpful for me. So I have, what I think is, a strange situation. I noticed that my boyfriend ejaculates and orgasms and he still keeps his hard-on. I ask him and he says that he can keep his erection through three orgasms but the third would be pretty painful. So, this is unheard of (after I noticed it I did some research but didn't come up with anything)? Is he defying the laws of hard-ons?

I'm delighted that my little blog has proven to be helpful. That's my overall goal, and it's good to know that I'm succeeding, one small question at a time.

Now, before we get to this boyfriend of yours, let me start by saying that Naughty Nurse Kimpy tends to avoid using words like "strange" when it comes to things of a sexual nature, because it's a loaded word. I put it up on the shelf with other words like "abnormal," "weird," and "broken." *tiny Naughty Nurse Kimpy uses stepstool to put "strange" up on the top shelf, out of reach*
Now that we've retired the word strange, there are other adjectives I would use when describing your boyfriend's ability. "Exceptional" comes to mind, as does "luckiest girl on the planet." Your boy is in a minority of men who are able to take a licking and keep on ticking, so to speak. Is the phenomenon unheard of? No. Is it rare? Yes. Is he defying the laws of physics? I'm not familiar with erection physics, so I cannot possibly comment on that. *giggle*

Suffice it to say, you've got something very special in your hands (and other places!); Naughty Nurse Kimpy's only advice is to have lots of enjoyable, consensual, safe sex while attempting to defy the laws of erection physiology.

I'm 22 years old and I had my first Pap smear done last week. I am not nor have I ever been sexually active. During the appointment my doctor said that I may feel a pinching or a stinging sensation once she does the actual Pap smear. I figured it was because she was breaching the hymen (is that right?). However, I didn't feel any pain whatsoever. Just a little discomfort due to the fact that I had a total stranger in between my legs, lol. Am I correct to assume that since there was no physical pain or discomfort that I lost my hymen before this exam?

Okay, we have several questions here, and I want to address them all.

1. Is the pinching/stinging sensation related to breaching the hymen? No. Although it can be uncomfortable when a gynecologist inserts a speculum into your vagina, the insertion does not generally cause a pinching or stinging sensation. Once the speculum is inserted, the gynecologist uses a vise to open it, which makes it easier for them to examine your vagina and cervix.

2. A Pap smear actually takes place on/in your cervix, which is the opening to your uterus. Your gynecologist uses a small tool that looks like an unused mascara wand and inserts it into the center of your cervix. They swirl it around a few times to work cells off the middle and upper cervix. They take this tissue sample and place it on a prepared slide using a "smear" technique. A lab technician will then stain the sample and look it over for any signs of abnormal cells, which could be cancerous or indicate the presence of some other cervical anomaly. It is this scraping technique that usually causes the most discomfort during a pelvic exam, and that’s where the pinching/stinging would come from.



3. Because you felt no pain, does it mean you already lost your hymen? Not necessarily. If your doctor is particularly adept at giving Pap smears, it's possible that you didn't feel much of anything. And trust me when I say that losing your hymen doesn't equal painless pelvic exams (right, ladies?). It could also be that you don’t have a very sensitive cervix, so you have a higher threshold for pain. Because of this, the jury is out as to whether or not your hymen is intact. However, in Naughty Nurse Kimpy's book, you're still a virgin until you have vaginal/penetrative sex. KWIM?

Scientists say that animals have a certain type of mating season or, better explain to be, a time when they are in heat. Is there a time for humans to become in heat? Does it affect to only women? Men? And can I schedule that somehow so I know when to tell my boyfriend to get off work more easily?"

While humans, pigs, and dolphins are the only mammals that have sex for reasons other than procreation, all female mammals have a reproductive cycle that allows them to become pregnant. So, do humans go into heat? We don't experience the same type of behaviors as do most mammals who go into heat, but some women do indeed become randier during ovulation. This could be due to the presence of luteinizing hormone, which is responsible for causing an egg to release from the follicles every month.The human female's reproductive cycle is ruled by hormones. During the first half of your cycle, estrogen is the Queen Bitch of the female reproductive system. During the second half, progesterone goes all Joan of Arc on estrogen, wrestling the helm away from her. During the switchover from estrogen to progesterone, however, luteinizing hormone surges, then recedes, and an egg is released as a result of this surge.

For further proof about hormonal influence on horndog tendencies? Talk to any pregnant woman around her 5-6th month. They're all about SEX, SEX, and MORE SEX, and we have hormones to thank for that.

Now, as far as getting an excuse to get your boyfriend home from work? Um, unless you are planning on having some little kidlets soon, you probably don't want to follow luteinizing hormone's siren song. You ovulate about 24-36 hours after this lady surges, so... yeah. Reproduction will occur much more readily, which is great if you want to Go Team! If not? Just ignore her, and she'll go away. Until next month, that is...

For those of you who are on oral contraceptives, or any hormonally-based contraceptive, the point is moot, because your entire system is being held in limbo via the artificial suspension of egg production. One of the reasons these contraceptives are so effective is because they stop eggs from being released at all, thus there is nothing to fertilize.

So, bottom line, do human females go into heat? No, not really. Hormones may play a role in level of overall horniness, but that's not true for everyone. End of story.


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