Naughty Nurse Kimpy 03/07/2012

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STIs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to asks someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!

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DISCLAIMER:
The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational
purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be
incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your
doctor.

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*Naughty Nurse Kimpy steps up on her soapbox*

There has been a lot of media attention directed toward a group of men who’ve decided that it’s not only shameful, but morally wrong, for women to use birth control. Of course, it’s easy for men to say that birth control is wrong, because they don’t have to get pregnant and go through labor and delivery. What’s even more surprising is that when the Congressional panel on birth control coverage took place, no one thought to ask any women for their opinion. Incredible. I thought the Dark Ages were long gone, but perhaps I was mistaken.

Naughty Nurse Kimpy is adamant that her readers are neither sluts nor prostitutes for wanting to know more about birth control, or for using it. It is a basic right for women to have access to birth control. There is nothing wrong with a woman deciding when she chooses to get pregnant, or how many children she wishes to have. And for all the women who use birth control pills to avoid heavy bleeding and cramping every month, they’re entitled to keep on using the pill regardless of what these men think is best for them.

Readers, it’s okay for you to feel incensed that someone judges you simply because you’re using birth control. The pill has been around for fifty years, and when last I checked, it’s 2012. This argument is so outdated it’s absurd. While it might seem like a throwback to invoke the words sung by Helen Reddy in the 1970s, it’s still more progressive than the rhetoric being spewed on the airwaves:

I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore.

Call your representatives in Congress and let them know that this form of misogyny and prejudice is misguided and wrong. We deserve the right to continue using birth control. When we can’t afford it, we deserve the right to low cost alternatives. And more than anything else? No one gets to refer to us as sluts or prostitutes. NO ONE.

Well, no one, that is, except ourselves. Perhaps more important than the issue of using the word at all is taking the power of what it means away. And as much as I hate the word, I hate what it means more than anything. It’s about equal opportunity, if you will. If men are allowed to sow their oats, then women should be allowed the same thing. We have the right to choose our partners and to have as much--or as little--sex as we want. The amount of sex we have, the type of sex we have is no one’s business. No one gets the right to judge our choices, male or female.

*Naughty Nurse Kimpy steps away from the soapbox*

Here’s some wonderful feedback Nurse Kimpy received on Depo-Provera, the birth control shot you get every three months:

I loved your most recent post on birth control. I myself am on the shot (Depo) and after the first appt. I thought I hated it. I broke out really bad on my face and I got cramps. However i talked to my cousin who was also on Depo and she said she was the same way and ended up loving it. I am the same way. I had my second appt. about a month ago and since then my face has cleared up really well and I rarely get my period. My suggestion to someone trying the shot for the first time is that you should stick with it!

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. Patience can be a very good thing. I appreciate your willingness to share your experience with us.

What I read about the birth control shot is that it can make you infertile for a year or longer if you take it... Is that true? I wouldn't want to get the shot and have infertility problems later on when I'm ready to have kids...

You’re absolutely correct, using Depo Provera can make it more difficult to conceive for 6-10 months after getting your last shot. It’s a highly effective form of birth control, and it takes a while for your system to clear when you stop using it. Because of this, most physicians encourage you to use a different form of birth control if you are looking to conceive in the near future. If you’re young, however, and children are at least a few years off, Depo-Provera can still be a great method for you to use. It won’t make you infertile, it merely suppresses your fertility temporarily. So if you’re presently 19, for example, you could use it as long as you wish. When you start to think about having children, just allow yourself about a year lead time before you trying to conceive. It isn’t something that will affect your fertility in the long term.

Hi Kimpy, reading the blog about birth control really got me thinking about a question I've had for a while now. Do I need to get a Pap test in order to go on the pill? In my sex-ed class in grade 9 the teacher said you needed to have a Pap test before your doctor would put you on the pill, but shortly after that my best friend went on it and she didn't get a Pap test....Help?

A Pap smear is used to analyze your cervical cells for signs of pre-cancerous or cancerous changes. Most cases of cervical cancer are caused by a virus known as HPV--Human Papilloma Virus, and this virus is spread through sexual contact. Using the pill affects your ovaries, not your cervix or vagina. Thus, there is no physical reason why you would need a Pap smear alone before you start taking the pill. It is important to know, however, that most doctors will give you a pelvic exam before you start taking the pill. During a pelvic exam, a Pap smear is usually performed. So, the answer to your question is this: no, it isn’t required that you have a Pap smear before you go on the pill. Keep in mind that some doctors may require a pelvic exam (and, thus, a Pap smear), but that varies from doctor to doctor. The only way to find to know with absolute certainty is to ask your doctor what their protocol for birth control pills is. If you go to a provider like Planned Parenthood, their policy is that everyone starting the pill must have a pelvic exam.

I searched the database but couldn't find a topic related to condoms. I've personally never purchased them, always have left that up to the male I was in a relationship with. I'm thinking that now that I'm not in a relationship I should purchase some, you know, just to have handy. You never know. Don't wanna be caught with my pants down and not be able to proceed further. What should I look for? I'm clueless as to the best, I don't know, universal kind. Any insight?

*Naughty Nurse Kimpy blushes in embarrassment* Really? Nothing about condoms? It seems that Kimpy has been, well, naughty! Sorry about that.

First, Nurse Kimpy wants to commend you on taking responsibility for having safe and protected sex. Far too many women leave condom use up to their partner, when really, both parties need to take responsibility for using condoms. Well done, you.

Now, what to look for in a condom? For starters, it’s best to look for a reservoir tip, because those do a better job at semen containment after the fact. Um, make that after the act. You know what I mean. You probably want a pre-lubricated condom, which is more convenient to use. If you opt for one that isn’t pre-lubricated, you need to make sure that any lubricant you use is water-based, meaning it’s safe to use with latex condoms. Some condoms are pre-lubricated with a spermicide. While this is a great idea in theory--a sort of one-two protection punch--the spermicide used can be irritating to your lady bits. Irritated lady bits, in turn, are more susceptible to Sexually Transmitted Infections. Because of that, Nurse Kimpy recommends that you avoid the spermicide option.

All right, so far we have reservoir tip, pre-lubricated condoms, which gives us something like Trojan Enz. What else is there, you ask? Oh-ho-ho, there is much, much more, my young Padawan. Now we get to the fun stuff. There are so many different kinds of condoms out there, it boggles the mind.

Perhaps the best idea is to buy a condom assortment pack, so you can try different ones to see which you and your partner prefer. Durex sells a Pleasure Pack option, while Trojan has several different versions--Sensitivity Pack, Pleasure Pack, and/or the
Ribbed and Studded Variety pack.
Lifestyle brand condoms offers Assorted Premium Condoms, too. And that’s just for starters! There are also condoms designed with women in mind, like
Trojan Her Pleasure condoms and Her Pleasure Ecstacy Ultrasmooth Lubricant. If that isn’t enough, you can also get vibrating rings that fit over a condom.

For those times that you simply cannot endure the few seconds it takes to put on a condom? There’s a solution just for you: Sensis Quikstrips It comes with two strips on the sides of the condom that help you get it on and ready to roll more quickly.

Here is Naughty Nurse Kimpy’s most important tip to you: be sure to take proper care of your condoms to maintain their effectiveness. Condoms need to be stored in a cool and dry place. That means don’t keep them in your pockets, in the bottom of your purse where they can get punctured, or in your car--heat, light, and air can break down the latex. Be sure to make note of the expiration dates and toss them once they’re expired. The best way to protect your investment is to use a hard-sided condom case.

Despite what you read in fanfiction, you should *never* use your teeth, scissors, or anything else sharp to rip the condom package open; this can result in tears in the condom that render them ineffective.

*Naughty Nurse Kimpy takes a deep breath* Readers, you can now consider yourselves informed when it comes to birth control. If you still have questions? You know what to do. Just click on the Naughty Nurse Kimpy banner below. Thank you.

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