Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy

The Naughty Nurse is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!

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DISCLAIMER:

The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

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Welcome, Pervlings, to the inaugural edition of ASK NAUGHTY NURSE KIMPY. To get the ball rolling, some of my fellow Pervs were kind enough to help me out by asking questions. Who asked the questions, you say? Here on ANNK, we maintain a strict confidentiality agreement, so all questions are answered without revealing the individual asking the question.

1. Medically speaking, what are your thoughts on DP?

For the uninitiated, DP stands for “Double Penetration.” As in, two peens in one vag, one peen in the vag and one in the ass, or two peens in the ass. There is even such a thing as DVDA, or “Double Vaginal/Double Anal,” which starts to require some pretty amazing sexual gymnastics from each of the participants. But I digress…

First and foremost, I will always emphasize that as long as sex is consensual, what two (or three, or four, or five) individuals choose to participate in is their own business. I’m not here to judge. That being said, when you get into (twss) a situation involving anal sex, or putting several large objects into a tight place (think two peens in one vag), three words rule the day: LUBE, PREPARATION, and PROTECTION--the DP Trifecta.

If you’re doing a vag/peen DP, please, please, please make sure to use plenty of lubrication, and one that is safe to use with condoms (water-based). However, all the lube in the world isn’t going to do you an ounce of good if someone just greases you up and sticks a peen in there. EEP! HELL NO!!! Get good and warmed up before Rambo gets going, KWIM? The anus is a very sensitive area, and there are a lot of blood vessels down there. The skin can tear quite easily. You need to work your way up to it. If you’re sexually aroused beforehand, it makes all the difference in the world. Trust.

As far as DP vaginally is concerned, vaginas are anatomically amazing. Their capacity to stretch is phenomenal (as any woman who has given birth can attest). Again, however, just as you wouldn’t have sex without some lubrication, you certainly aren’t going to fit two peens in there without some preparation. Warm up the parts first. Make sure you’re good and lubed up, again using one that is safe to use with condoms. A long-lasting, water-based lube, such as Astroglide, Pjur, KY silk, or Sliquid H2O, are good choices.

Have you noticed the use of the word condom throughout this reply? That's the third word in our DP Trifecta, PROTECTION. Because the entire genital/anal region has a great deal of elasticity, you can experience micro-tears during sex that you won't even notice or see; the likelihood of tears increases when the skin is stretched more than it is used to. To viruses and bacteria, however, these micro-tears might as well be the Grand Canyon, which is how STDs get transmitted so easily. Because of that, you run a much higher risk of STDs if you choose not to use condoms.

One final note: Ass to mouth or ass to vag is not a good idea, even in the throes of passion. The intestinal tract is full of plenty of bacteria, and it is an infection waiting to happen if you choose not to clean up afterwards. Double dipping is not recommended.

Moral of the story? Once again, LUBE, PREPARATION, and PROTECTION. And dudes, run with the ball. Literally. Just remember, have FUN. That’s what it’s all about.

2. How often do women need Pap smears? When are you supposed to get your first one? Do you still need a Pap smear if you aren’t getting shagged on the regular? If you’re a lesbian who only uses toys, would you still need to get a Pap smear?

Hmm, where to start, where to start…

• Women should have their first Pap smear at age 21

• If you are still in your 20s, you should have Pap smears every 2 years. Doing the math, starting at age 21, you would get them at 21, 23, 25, 27, and 29.

• If you are 30 and older, and you’ve had three normal Pap smears in a row (i.e., your Pap smears from ages 25-29), you can start getting them every three years. If you had one abnormal smear, continue on the every two years schedule.

• When you reach the age of 65-70, and you’ve had three normal Pap smears in a row, you can stop getting them all together. Even if you are menopausal, you still need to get a Pap smear.

• If you’ve had a hysterectomy, but your cervix was left intact, you still need to follow the aforementioned guidelines for getting Pap smears.

• Even if you’ve had the vaccination for HPV, the virus that causes most forms of cervical cancer, you need to follow the guidelines for Pap smears.

• Every woman between the ages of 21 and 65, regardless of level of sexual activity, number of partners, or sexual orientation, should follow guidelines for Pap smears. In fact, research shows that many lesbians are at a higher risk for cervical cancer (due to average number of sexual partners), but tend to underutilized screening tests, thus end up having higher rates of cervical cancer.

• Remember, these are guidelines in the United States. If you do not live here, chances are your country’s guidelines may differ from these. No matter what, I always recommend that you follow your physician’s advice above all else.

3. I want to get my nips pierced but am daunted by going to the gyno or getting a mammogram w/them. How do women who look non-adventurous on the outside deal with revealing something that is not the norm in our society at the doctor’s office?

• The jury is still out on whether or not it is acceptable to wear nipple piercings during a mammogram, but my guess is that most providers would prefer that you take them out for the procedure. Most piercing shops I’ve queried will tell you it’s fine to leave them in. I would simply ask your provider beforehand so that you are properly prepared. Some piercing parlors will substitute a plastic insert into the hole to keep it open during your mammogram. Nipple piercings have a tendency to close up quickly if there is no place holder left in it.

• Another good thing to know about nipple piercings is that it shouldn’t interfere with your plans to breastfeed. Many women leave their piercings in while pregnant. When breastfeeding, milk can sometimes leak out of the pierced site, but aside from that, breastfeeding and pierced nipples go together just fine.

• Finally, as far as looking vanilla on the outside, but dangerous sex kitten the minute your clothes are off? Any good medical professional won’t bat an eye when they see a genital piercing. If you choose to be inked or pierced, it is your personal choice, and no one has the right to make you feel badly about it, especially not a doctor. If you are unhappy with a physician’s reaction, call them out. Remind them that your personal choice to become pierced has nothing to do with their medical exam of your body. ‘Nuff said.

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