Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy

The Naughty Nurse is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!

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DISCLAIMER:
The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

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There were no follow up questions from last week, so we'll just dive right in with this week's goodie bag!! I genuinely appreciate the honest, intriguing questions you've been leaving for me. Remember, there is no such thing as a stupid question--if it is something you need to know, but can't ask anyone else, I'm happy to help you out.

I get why anal feels great for guys. What's in it for us ladies?

I'm really glad you asked this question. There are a lot of misconceptions regarding anal sex based on what people read in fanfiction, and I would love to help clear some of these up. I've often wondered, "why there are so many nerve endings in the anus?" I mean, why would that area need to be so sensitive just to eliminate waste? The key to your answer? It's right there. Lots and lots of nerve endings paired with thin, highly sensitive skin. In addition, an orgasm based on anal sex involves muscle groups in the vagina and the rectum, so you're actively using your entire pelvic region when you have an orgasm. Nerve endings, sensitive skin, and more muscle groups have the power to combine into one hell of an incredible orgasm. Trust me when I say that anal can be just as enjoyable for women. It can also be incredibly painful if done improperly, so it is important to have all the facts before you begin.

The key to anal sex, in my opinion, is all in preparation; this is true for girls and guys--anyone who is going to have receptive anal sex (that's public health lingo for "being F'd in the A"). The sphincter muscle, the one that keeps the anus closed tightly, is incredibly powerful and strong, much more so than normal muscle tissue. Because of that, you don't simply pop something through that barrier and then expect it to feel heavenly--I promise, it will hurt like hell if you go about it that way. Some people make the mistake of thinking it's all a matter of lube. While lube is essential to anal sex, it isn't the only factor. In fact, before you attempt to have anal sex for the first time with a partner, you should actually "train" yourself.

Purchase an anal plug, lube it up, and carefully, slowly, slip it into your rectum. Ease into it--when the sphincter muscle is pushed open involuntarily, that's where the pain of anal sex comes from. Breathe through the pain, and as it starts to recede a bit, slip the plug in a little further. Many plugs have a narrow tip, then flare out, like an Evergreen tree. The other end often looks like a knob, where it narrows, then widens. You use the end to guide the plug inside, then it acts as a mechanism to keep the plug from moving completely inside of you. Trust, the last thing you want is to take a trip to the ER to extricate an anal plug. While the end of the plug can vary widely, they all serve the purpose to stop any additional forward movement into your anus, and a way to get it back out when you're finished. Allow your body to adjust to the sensation of the plug; wear it for 20-30 minutes a day until the entire process begins to feel more comfortable. To get an idea of what a vaginal-anal orgasm is like, you can try masturbating while the plug is in you. Once it's become comfortable, you're ready to give the real thing a try.

Remember to use good hygiene regarding anal sex--wash your hands, or any body part/equipment that comes in touch with the anus--afterwards, before you touch anything else. Condoms are also nice, because they help to contain the mess. Yes, folks, anal sex can be messy, because, well, it's the anus. If you're really serious about having anal sex, but really nervous about the mess, you can always use an anal douche, which is available at most porn shops/sites. If you do use anal douche, just make sure that you use it only for the anus, never the vagina, and clean it thoroughly after every use.

Before you actually engage in the act of anal sex, you should be sexually aroused. Make sure you do whatever it is you need to do to get good and turned on. Then, make sure that you use copious amounts of a water-based lube, both around the anus, and on your partner's penis or object that will eventually be inserted into your bum. As the penis/object pushes into you, make sure that: A) It is eased in slowly and carefully, and B) It doesn't hurt to either use a vibrator in your vagina, or have some direct clitoral stimulation at the same time. If the pain gets too intense, stop forward motion and try to relax, then recommence when you're more comfortable. There is often a "pop" feeling when the head of the penis, or the widest part of the object, makes it past the sphincter muscle. That is usually the moment of the most discomfort, and the best time to just stop movement again and adjust to the sensation. When your partner starts to move in and out, encourage them to do so slowly and gently, until you get used to it. Some people never make it past slow and gentle, while others prefer a more *ahem* intense in-out, in-out. Just make sure that whatever you do, however you do it, you are comfortable with what is taking place. When having anal sex, trust is a very important component of the equation.

The bottom line? Anal sex isn't for everyone, but it can be amazing and sensual. If you're interested, give it a try. Most people seem to either love it or hate it, but you never know until you give it a go. It can be a really wonderful way for you and your partner to connect and experience mutual pleasure.

I'm sure I'm the only one who'll ask this... but some tips on 'your first time' would be nice... I heard from people that it hurts the first time, I'm kinda getting scared of it! How can I make sure I have a good time too?

You know what? Having sex for the first time can be a little scary, because you have no idea of what to expect! While you might think you're the only one curious about the answer, you'd be wrong. Perhaps you are the only one brave enough to ask it, and I commend you for that. You've heard stories, but you have never experienced it yourself. There are also so many examples of losing your virginity in fanfiction, and these might lead you to have unrealistic expectations based upon those accounts.

The medical version of losing your virginity, which you've probably learned the mechanics of at some point in your education, is that your vagina is covered with a thin piece of skin called the hymen. When you have sex for the first time, this piece of skin tears or rips, which can be painful. Naturally, this tear will bleed, so you can expect, at the very least, some blood and perhaps some pain. By some blood, I mean not more than a smear, probably similar to the amount you might spot before your period begins in earnest--maybe 1/4-1/2 teaspoon. It isn't like you will experience a gush of blood similar to your heaviest period.

Research on the subject has shown that 25% of women experienced no pain the first time they had sex, 40% had moderate pain, and 33% felt severe pain (Weis, 1985). They also found that women who experienced more severe pain tended to be younger; held more conservative sexual values; and had a more negative view of their partner and having sex with that partner. Things that played a role in little or no pain were use of tampons; a woman stretching the skin on her own while masturbating (think vibrator penetration); or having the skin stretched by a sexual partner during manual stimulation.

So, getting back to the other part of your question--how can you make sure you have a good time, too? I think first, and foremost, you need to be mentally ready. While the moment may occur spontaneously, if you've determined beforehand that this is what you want to do, and who you want to do it with, that helps. Is it better to have sex with a committed partner rather than a one-night stand? Probably. I think the point here is that there isn't any coercion involved, and that it is a choice you made willingly. If it is something you're worried about, and you feel tense, you are probably more likely to feel some pain when you are first penetrated. Again, mindset seems to be pretty important when you have sex for the first time.

I would also say that the more sexually aroused you are prior to penetration, the better. Ample lubrication is going to make the process so much easier. Not only that, but when a woman is sexually aroused, the labia and the vagina swell, due to the increase in blood flow to that region (similar to what happens to a guy to make his penis erect). One side effect of this blood flow is vaginal lubrication, the other is that it prepares the vagina to be more readily penetrated by the penis. Thus, if your vagina is physiologically prepared for sex (in other words, wet and ready), it will be easier and less painful.

Aside from being mentally and physiologically prepared, the other things you can do--using tampons, or vaginal penetration with fingers/vibrators--can also do a lot to make you more prepared for the moment and hopefully make it less painful. Another thing that can help is to choose when you want to have sex for the first time. If it is planned, you have more time to get fully prepared, take things slowly, and feel more ready. Most importantly? RELAX. Breathe deeply. Odds are, if you are completely nervous about how much this is going to hurt, it is more likely to hurt. I'm not saying it's entirely in your head, but the more relaxed you can be, the more your body AND your mind will be ready, and you can enjoy the experience more.

The other thing that, as a nurse, I can't stress enough? Please, please use protection. 60% of all pregnancies in the United States are unintended, meaning that they are either mistimed (mistakes) or unwanted. That figure is correct--60%. Women worry they will seem slutty if they use birth control, or pack condoms in their purse. My point here is that you can either have an unintended pregnancy and/or contract a sexually transmitted disease, or you can be safe. It would make this Naughty Nurse incredibly sad if her readers worried more about the slut factor than about the unsafe factor. Being prepared isn't slutty; it's safe and it's smart.

Is there such a thing as too much masturbating? I don't mean to the point where work and family fall to the side; just to the point where that's what you do when you've got some quiet free time... Every time. For hours. I've always considered myself pretty sexually healthy, but now I'm starting to wonder.

I absolutely love your question, thank you for having the courage to ask it. I think that, by and large, all things in moderation are fine. You mention that important things, like career and family, aren't falling to the side. You consider yourself to be sexually healthy. When you have alone time, you choose to have sexytimes, sometimes for hours. As long as it isn't disrupting your life or causing friction burns on your lady bits, go for it! Masturbation is part of a healthy sexual experience. As with any activity, the warning flag to look out for is whether or not you are doing it to the exclusion of other activities. Are you frequently choosing not to socialize in lieu of some private sexytimes? Are other things not getting done because of your activities? Is it causing you to get less sleep, to eat less? If it starts to interfere with your activities of daily living, you can start to be concerned. If it is merely a fun way to pass the time when you have time to yourself? Again, enjoy yourself. Masturbation is a great way to relieve stress and achieve relaxation, and that is never a bad thing.

Another thing I want to mention is that people often think masturbation is merely for personal sexual gratification alone. While this is often true, there is a misconception that it isn't part of a sexually healthy relationship. Once you have a partner in your life, masturbation has to stop. Honestly, nothing could be further from the truth. It remains a part of a sexual menu throughout a person's life. Married people masturbate. Older people masturbate. Some partners masturbate in front of each other. You needn't feel obligated to give it up simply because you're in a relationship. I suggest you discuss it with your partner, so that you are both aware this is something you're interested in. Some partners might feel hurt that their significant other would masturbate in lieu of having sex with them. Just understand that it's normal, it's common, and it's perfectly healthy, as long as you aren't relying solely upon masturbation, there is no reason why it cannot be part of your sexual routine, together or separately.

When you're a virgin and you masturbate is that orgasm the same as when you're actually having sex?

Very interesting question! Not everyone is aware that there are actually two types of female orgasms: Vaginal and clitoral. Clitoral orgasms occur via direct stimulation of the clitoris, like using your finger, your partner's finger, a vibrator, etc. Vaginal orgasms occur via penetration, without stimulation to the clitoris. While these are definitely both orgasms per se, they feel somewhat different. Clitoral orgasms tend to be more intense, and are usually easier to achieve. Vaginal orgasms occur deeper in the pelvis, and because of that, they feel different. Regardless of whether you are a virgin or not, you can experience either clitoral or vaginal orgasms. Your vaginal orgasm could come from using a vibrator, for example, rather than a penis. That being said, if you are a virgin, you are physically capable of experiencing either type of orgasm and these orgasms feel different from one another.

Another thing to keep in mind is that regardless of whether you are a virgin or someone who is sexually experienced, orgasms can vary in intensity every time you have one. Your overall level of stimulation, the length of time between orgasms, the amount of time it takes to achieve the orgasm, can all play a role in how an orgasm feels. Your orgasms as an adolescent and young adult are more intense than orgasms you have later in life, after menopause, due to the amount of hormones in your bloodstream. Orgasms also vary in intensity throughout your monthly cycle, because the level of progesterone versus estrogen secreted plays a role in that. Likewise, orgasms while you are pregnant differ from those when you are not.

Now, many women will tell you that having an orgasm while a penis is in their vagina can be more intense than an orgasm obtained via masturbating. That can be for a lot of different reasons, including the extra stimulation that comes from the partner; the intensity that emotions can add to or heighten sexual response; and/or having multiple senses engaged in sexual activity (like kissing while being penetrated while stimulating the clitoris). It is important to recognize, however, that no matter what happens in the fanfiction world, there are plenty of women who cannot achieve an orgasm without clitoral stimulation. This is perfectly normal, and there is no reason to assume that something is wrong with you if you are one of those women. The most important thing to remember is that all orgasms, no matter what their origin, are pleasurable, whether you are a virgin masturbating to achieve orgasm, or a woman who orgasms while her partner penetrates her.

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