Thursday, January 6, 2011

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy


Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!


The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

My boyfriend and I are virgins and we aren't nowhere near having sex yet but that doesn't mean I don't want to satisfy his needs. How do I dry-hump so he cums so hard? I'm clueless on sex!

I am so proud of you for asking this question, because you acknowledge that you want to wait to have sex, but that doesn't mean you don't want to be sexual. There are so many things that partners can do to sexually satisfy one a other without actually having penetrative vaginal sex (that's the medical term for "Dude, I just scored a homer!!"). I love that you are interested in satisfying his needs, and please know that it is COMPLETELY OKAY to be clueless on sex! It's something that everyone has to learn how to do, and we learn best through experimentation and practice. No matter what, every human being is a blank slate when it comes to sexual experience--please reassure yourself that it's okay to be clueless. That's what Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for!!

A few things about the dry hump:

1. If it isn't already designated as one of the Seven Wonders of the Natural World, someone screwed up, big time. The dry hump is one of the funnest things to do while still clothed, I assure you.

2. No worries about STDs or pregnancy with the dry hump!! SCOOOORE!

3. While clothes may stay on, you can experience some major orgasms. U-N-G.

My favorite dry hump story is one that Kevin Smith recounts in "An Evening With Kevin Smith." If you don't know who he is, he's the director/writer of "Clerks," "Chasing Amy," "Dogma," etc., and he is god of hilarity (He is also the one person on earth who swears more than I do, so I have to love him for his cursing skills alone). Anyhow, he tells the story of how he met his wife--she was a reporter, and she interviewed him for USAToday. One thing led to another, and they started to make out. The dry hump occurred, but Kevin was wearing jeans. Jeans mean ZIPPERS. Grinding on your man's crotch while he wears jeans with a zipper can lead to friction burns. When they finally got to having sex, Kevin nearly died, but not from ecstasy. Friction burn + acidic pussy juice / hard peen = BURNING AGONY. The moral of the story? Be very, very careful in using the dry hump when a zipper is present. NOT. FUN.

I recommend the dry hump when wearing sweats, or pants sans zipper. To be honest, the dry hump is incredibly natural, and feels amazing. In Naughty Nurse Kimpy's humble opinion, the best dry hump position is you straddling your partner while they're sitting up, like on a couch, or in the back seat of a car--you catch my drift. Thin layers of clothes make it even more exciting, because you can feel his hard cock right there, and likewise, your hot, excited cooter is right there, too. As you straddle your partner, you have full access to kiss each other, your tits are in a perfect position to be played with or licked, and best of all? He can easily reach behind you to cup your ass and move you over his erection at a speed that he dictates.

If you're concerned about doing it right, ask him for feedback. Lean over and whisper into his ear how badly you want to please him, and ask him to tell you what he wants. Better yet, ask him to SHOW you what he wants. I'm pretty sure that once you guys give it a try, it's going to become your new favorite thing to do together. I did mention one of the Seven Wonders of the Natural World earlier, and I wasn't kidding. The dry hump is god.

Do I really need to buy special toy cleaner for my vibes? I'm the only user and in a monogamous relationship--are soap and water enough?

Great question! First of all, if you are the only user of your toy, you are only using it for vaginal penetration, and you clean it after every use, then using soap and water to clean it is just fine. Make sure that the toy is clean and completely dry before you store it, because you don't want to worry about mold or mildew. It's probably best if you don't leave it drying in your dish rack when the plumber comes to fix the sink. Then again, if the plumber happens to be hot... but I digress.

If you are using a vibrator for anal stimulation, however, that's where I start to get a little bit nervous about germs and bacteria. Let's face it--our intestinal tract is full of nasty bacteria that you would rather keep confined to your anus. If you do use a vibrator anally, I would use a special cleanser afterwards, to ensure that it zaps some of the nastier buggers that hang out in your rear entry.
Better yet, it's not a bad idea to designate some toys for anal play, some for vaginal play, and then decide that nary the twain shall meet. Trust me, you don't want to get an intestinal bacterial infection in your cooter simply because your toy wasn't cleaned properly. I also know people who slip a condom over their vibrator if they use it anally, to make clean up a lot easier and to minimize risk of infection.

It should be emphasized that even if you are in a monogamous relationship, you and your partner should never share a vibrator that you are both using anally. If you share the toy, you can also share the germs. The bottom line is that you should use common sense when playing with toys: Clean them; don't share them; don't mix and match between front and back door use, and all should be just fine.

Can you lose your virginity without bleeding?

Well, yes, it is possible, but not likely. If you happen to rip your hymen inadvertently, through using a tampon, a vibrator, or a bump on your bum while riding a bicycle, you could technically experience a tear with a minimal amount of blood loss. This is especially true if you have a smaller hymen than average. Most women experience some amount of bleeding when they have sex for the first time, but the amount lost varies from woman to woman.

I am a woman with long fingernails and I am concerned about injuring myself during masturbation. Is this a possibility?
Well, let's look at it this way--can you scratch yourself with your long nails? Can you leave huge red tracks in your partner's back after a steamy session in the sack? I feel pretty confident that your answer will be "yes." So, can you injure your girlie bits while masturbating? Yes, it is possible. Remember, that your vaginal tissue is somewhat thin, and can tear more easily than skin on your arm, for example. Because of this, you need to take extra care when you are using your finger on your clit, or to penetrate yourself. I suggest using ample amounts of lube to ensure that you aren't creating an extraordinary amount of friction on your bits. You could also think about using a vibrator, or a fingertip massager, to help keep your nails away from your more delicate skin. Because your entire genital area is fed by a network of veins, you tend to bleed more easily down there than you would on other parts of your body. If you take care down there, and minimize the ways in which your nails could deliver a painful cut, you should be able to masturbate without any problems. 
One last caveat I will throw in, however: Please, wash your hands well with soap and water before you get down to business. Our hands carry an enormous amount of bacteria underneath and on top of our fingernails, and you don't necessarily want to give yourself a urinary tract or vaginal infection from some nasties your nails brought to the party. This goes the same for anyone masturbating, but especially for women with longer nails.

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