Thursday, January 20, 2011

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy


The Naughty Nurse is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!


The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

Is it possibly to strain a vag muscle from cumming too hard?

For the record, they aren't vaginal muscles, they are pelvic and abdominal muscles. Now, there are probably documented cases where people have strained a muscle from an intense orgasm, but I'm going to say that it is highly unusual and not likely. You can certainly pull muscles or ligaments if you're in an awkward position, but the orgasm itself should not cause a muscle strain. If it does? I want some of what you're having. Just saying.

When stroking your man's cock with your hand, are you trying to slide your hand over the skin, or slide the skin over the muscle? I've always wondered that

I asked my GBFs and my husband to help me out with this question, since they are the experts. We have an actual roundtable discussion when we get together to play cards, and Naughty Nurse questions always come up! They told me that without a doubt, the best thing to do is to ask your partner how he beats off--wet or dry, a few fingers or the whole hand, at the base or on top--and do your best to recreate that for him. Some guys prefer a really tight grip, others need it to be less intense. To be honest, when I polled the four guys for this question, two preferred "slide your hand over the skin," and two preferred "slide the skin over the muscle." Once again, the guy knows best, and he can give you all kinds of good pointers on how to do it just right. Now, if your partner is uncut, that kind of changes this advice a little bit, because having foreskin means you will automatically slide the skin over the muscle. That being said, it's still never a bad idea to ask what's best for YOUR guy. Trust me, you'll be very glad you did, and you will have yourself a very grateful partner.

Dear Naughty Nurse, Some people use lube the first time they have sex, but doesn't it sting the vaginal area because of what happens to the hymen?

Interesting question, and I like that you're thinking ahead about these kinds of things. Commercial lubrication, whether petroleum- or water-based, doesn't typically sting. For example, if you're using it, and apply it with a finger that happens to have a paper cut, you probably wouldn't even notice it at all. In using it the first time you have sex, it won't be the lube causing discomfort or a stinging sensation--that will come directly from the skin that is torn/stretched. So while the torn hymen might be sore, or burn, when you have sex for the first time, the pain isn't from the lube, it's from the area of trauma. I will also note that if you use a generous amount of lubrication when you have sex for the first time, it might actually help diminish the amount of tearing/burning, because it helps to reduce the overall amount of friction in that area.

How do I prep myself for anal?

Prepping for anal consists of two separate steps--stretching your anus to get it ready for anal sex, and prepping your entire bum so it is squeaky clean ahead of time.

Stretching your anus is usually done by using an anal plug. If you've never played around your back door area before, I would start small and work your way up. Most adult toy sites will describe their plugs as "ideal for beginners," etc. Also make sure to look for a plug that has a good base on it, so it is easy to remove it when you're done with your stretching.

While you can always just lube up the plug and slip it into your anus, it will be easier for you if you are a little sexually aroused before you begin. For example, you could use a vibrator to get yourself a little wound up; once you are, lube up the plug and pop it into place. Let it work its magic for 15-30 minutes, then remove it. Do it daily for a few weeks, and you should be all set to go.

The nursie in me wants to remind you that whenever you are working with your bum, wash your hands frequently. Good hygiene, especially when you've been monkeying around with your back door, is paramount. Don't go from your bum to your vagina, don't go ass to mouth. If your hands have been anywhere in the back door vicinity, wash them with soap and water.

When you get down to finally having anal sex, after all your prep work, keep in mind that it will feel better--and be easier to enjoy--if you're sexually aroused before you begin doing anything anal. If you're going to have anal sex, your partner might want to wear a condom to keep things cleaner. Be sure to use copious amounts of lubrication--lube up your hole and your partner's penis, or the vibrator, or whatever it is you are using for penetration. Take it slowly. It takes a while for your anus to loosen the sphincter muscle enough so that it isn't as painful.

Prepping/pre-anal cleaning all depends on how anal you are. Seriously! You can do hard core prep, or you can wash your bum in the shower. There's a whole litany of things you can do to be clean and neat down there. If you're wanting a serious cleanse, then I would recommend an anal douche. I know it sounds awful, but it's the very best way to make sure you are cleaned out and ready to go.

If you want to douche, you have a few options. You can use a vinegar/water solution that is pre-mixed and sold at most pharmacies, Target, Wal-Mart, etc. They are packaged as vaginal douches--and you already know you SHOULD NOT USE vaginal douches, right??--but as long as you use the vinegar/water mix, you're okay. The nice thing about these is that they are pre-mixed, pre-packaged, and one-time use. Most adult toy stores carry reusable anal douches. You use them in the same manner as the disposable ones, except you only use water. While these are less expensive in the long run, and more environmentally friendly, I worry about the risk of infection in reusing them. My recommendation if you choose this option is that you buy one that is easy to disinfect after every use.

As far as actually using the douche, they work exactly like an enema. You slide it into your anus, and gently squeeze the contents up inside of you. The plastic insertion tube might be uncomfortable at first, so feel free to lube up the end before you start. It is probably easiest to position yourself by lying on the floor, on top of a towel. Curl into a position that is comfortable where you can still reach everything, and do your business. Once the contents are all inside of you, make your way to the toilet and out it will all come. You will be clean and April fresh. So to speak.

Some very important things to remember about anal prep: If ever instilling the douche into your anus is painful, stop at once. You can cause permanent damage by forcing it. Keep in mind that you're working with an area that doesn't smell like roses, and accidents can happen. When they do, it isn't always very pleasant. Be prepared for this, however, and it's likely to be easier to deal with the accidents when they occur. If you're serious about getting clean, though, this is the best way to accomplish that goal.

Now that you've gotten yourself cleaned up and ready to go, relax and enjoy the experience! You're all set!

Jeanne sneaks in to add her $0.02: As someone that regularly has anal sex, I have a couple things to add.

First, Naughty Nurse Kimpy is right on with her steps to prep for anal sex, but I feel like it’s important to stress that anal sex is not something that you rush into, and expect for it to feel good. What I mean is don’t rub some lube on your butt, ram a buttplug in for a few minutes, and expect that you’re going to be ready to have fantastic anal sex that same night or even that same week. Preparing yourself mentally and physically for anal sex takes time and patience.

I cannot stress how important anal play is to have great anal sex that is enjoyable for both the receiver as well as the giver. By anal play I mean fondling of the butt and anus. It’s important for you and your partner to think of your ass as a sexy place. The touching should happen during foreplay. Start out slow with soft caresses, and kisses on the small of your back and ass cheeks. Then slowly, while also fondling other parts of your body, you partner can use a well lubed finger to slide over and around you anus. No sticking it at first, just gentle rubbing, like you would on a clit.

You will be very surprised how sensitive that part of your body is and how arousing this gentle stimulation can be (for men as well as women). Only once you are prepare, and relaxed enough should you give your partner permission to insert ONE finger in your butt. The movements of said finger should be slow, and straight. No curling or twisting, and if (as Nurse Kimpy says) at anytime you feel pain stop immediately! Pain is your body’s way of saying it’s isn’t turned on enough. This doesn’t mean the play has to stop. Just back out the finger and go back to rubbing, until you feel you’re ready to try again.

It’s important for you and your partner to play like this until you BOTH are comfortable and turned on by it. The time table is different for everyone, but I cannot stress enough that you should to give yourself all the time you need to get to a place where you are relaxed and pain-free. Anyone that says anal sex is supposed to hurt is lying and/or doing it wrong. Anal sex, when it is done right is never painful.

Another thing is that, sadly, even when anal sex is mind blowingly awesome it can still be messy. Nurse Kimpy gives some great tips on anal douches and enemas, I just wanted to add some advice for the beginners out there. I personal recommend disposable enemas. They are easy to find at any pharmacy and most grocery stores. They are usually by the laxatives (sexy, I know). They are sanitary, and easy to use.

When you use them, make sure to have some extra lube handy cause that nozzle can be a little uncomfortable. Also, you may need to use more than one. Remember the point of doing this is to get it all out before you have sex. The water should come out clean, and you should feel empty. I think you know what I mean, so lets not dwell.

One last thing, I can not stress enough that you always use more lube than you think you need. Friction is the enemy of anal pleasure. Trust me, you should feel like a Slip-n-Slide before anything goes in your backdoor. Jeanne winks and sneaks back out

Do you have a question for Naughty Nurse Kimpy? Click the banner below, fill out the form, and get your answer in the next installment of Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy.



miss tejota said...

I adore this site and this column, now off to the drugstore I go. *wink, wink*

kimpy0464 said...

Miss tejota, you are always so good to me, my dear. Thank you for all the nice things you say! It makes me SO happeh to know you're off to the drugstore to procure all the right tools, nudge-nudge, wink-wink

Kate said...

Best anal advice I ever got: "Too much lube is almost enough." The butt doesn't produce lube like the vag, so don't skimp! Great article!

Jeanne said...

Kate, HIGH-FIVE! Thanks for reading. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad this was in that reference section on the side of the site! My guy keeps referencing my ass when we're talking dirty...EVER SO SUBTLY hinting that he wants to try anal sex, something that still grosses me out. I'm glad to know how to prep for it when I decide to give it a shot. Thanks!