Thursday, September 15, 2011

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy




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Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!


DISCLAIMER:





The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.




In today’s edition of Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy, we’re going to address the issue of body image and sexuality. I’ve had questions from a number of women on the issues of weight and sex, many of which are heartbreaking. It’s a sad but true fact of life that nearly every American woman struggles with body image issues of one kind or another.

I’ll be the first to admit that I struggle with body image, probably on a daily basis. Despite all my education, training and knowledge, despite knowing better, I’m still incredibly hard on myself for being overweight. You see, I’m not immune to the messages that I hear and the images I see every day. With today’s post, I am making a pledge to myself to try to appreciate the good things about my body, rather than only seeing the ways in which I’m imperfect. I’m going to ask each of my readers to do exactly the same thing. By allowing our prejudices to rule our way of thinking, we’re undermining ourselves and each other as women, which only serves to drag all of us down. You know what? We’re better than that. We’re a conglomerate of interesting, intelligent, thoughtful, curious, and horny women (yes, I’m generalizing, but still), so let’s celebrate all the reasons why women are amazing creatures rather than merely focusing on our packaging. I encourage you to read through this post with an open mind and an open heart. Let’s all make a vow to our bodies, and to respecting other people’s bodies, too.

It’s time that someone finally says enough, which is exactly what Naughty Nurse Kimpy is doing.

ENOUGH.

I decided that this is a topic that requires a little help from my friends, namely the Pervs. Today’s post is a joint project from all of us to all of you.


This video is a segment from the YouTube channel ProjectLifeSize. This wonderful and entertaining channel is run by a group of diverse and talented women. They talk about their body image issues and life in general. In the clip below Meghan Tonjes (a very talented singer and popular vlogger) makes a vow to her body.




I'm 20 years old and overweight. No matter what I seem to do I can't seem to lose it. I was diagnosed with several different illness' when I was younger that limit my mobility and I find that I'm starting to lose hope. How will this affect me in the future? Will I ever be normal? I'm not so sure.


Jeanne - First, I think it’s important to take the Naughty Nurse’s #1 rule to heart and throw the word (and idea of) normal out the fucking window. It doesn’t exist. Even if you’re talking about the average female in America, because that doesn’t look like Jessica Alba, but rather like Nicole Blonsky. So let’s just kick that whole ‘normal’ thing to the curb and talk about sex.

I think it’s important to tell you to not look at TV, movies or even fan fiction for examples of the reality of sex, because even the most realistic portrayals of sex and romance are still not real. This is doubly so for the common fictional portrayals of the players in sex and love. These images of beauty and what is sexually desirable are not based on reality. The reality is that love and sex comes to people of all ages, races, shapes and sizes.

In the real world, big, beautiful women have sex. We have lots of sex. We are desirable and sought after. We are models, actresses and even pornstars. Don’t believe me? Then check out GameLink’s Top 10 Must See BBW Pornstars (Warning: NSFW site). There you will find pleasantly plump hotties like April Flores aka Fatty D (my personal favorite) and buxom beauties like Bunny de la Cruz. These women not only get laid, but they’ve made a career out of it. That’s right, people pay to see large, luscious women have lots of sex. Hell, April Flores has a plastic pussy for sale. Not only do men (and some women) pay to see her have sex, but they pay to pretend to have sex with a plastic version of a beautiful, chubby pussy.

Big Beautiful Women are having lots of great sex everyday. Stop beating yourself up about not fitting into an unrealistic ideal of ‘normal.’ Love yourself and your body. I promise you there are a lot of men (and women) that eager to have sex with you or maybe just watch. ;) Your future is bright, baby, and don’t let anyone tell you different.

Special Note: If mobility or even stamina are a concern, there are a lot of options for you to work around them. Find sexual positions that are comfortable for you. On your back, sitting on the couch or even use a pillow under your stomach when doing it doggy-style. Also, work on pleasing your partner in other less physically taxing ways. Hand jobs and blow jobs can be great way to get a guy off while remaining comfortable. If you like girls, no self respecting lesbian is going to turn down a long session of cunnilingus. Don’t shy away from exploring different sex toys to enhance your sexual experience.
You can follow April Flores on her blog or on Twitter at @Fatty_D.

Jess - I echo much of what Jeanne said above. It took me a long time to get over (OK, I’m still trying) the insecurities I have about my body and weight. Over the years I’ve fluctuated a lot and am finally getting to the point where I feel good about where I am. In that process, though, I have come to realize two things: 1) Men - aka my husband - love me for who I am as a WHOLE person, not just the few extra pounds or stretch marks I carry around, and most men are the same. 2) All women can have sex... good sex... regardless of the way they look, how much they weigh, or how they feel.

About three years ago - about the time I joined the fandom, I was watching Oprah - don’t judge me - and Dr. Laura Berman was on there. She had just written a book called Real Sex for Real Women, and it literally revolutionized my sex life, the way I view myself, experimentation, positions, etc. She starts off by saying:

It doesn’t matter that you don’t have time to shave your legs every morning or energy to starve or sweat your way into a miniature-sized thong. The important thing, whoever you are, is to realize that you deserve a rewarding sex life - and that you can attain it.


There is much more to be said, some of which I’ll say in some of the later questions, but let me offer this word of encouragement. You are a beautiful woman - of that I have no doubt. Take some time to think about what you DO love about your body. Do you have great feet? Pretty toes? Great ankles? Rockin’ curves? An awesome neck, lips, or nose? Relish it. Love that part of yourself. It’s so infectious, and the more you love yourself - body, mind, and spirit - the more confidant and comfortable you’ll be. Girl, if you got, flaunt it. Just sayin’!

I'm an almost 30 mom of three, happily married for just about a decade, and I have come to hate having sex. I love reading about it, watching it on TV or in porn. I'm horny ALL THE TIME. Problem is, I've gained a lot of weight over the years, between kids, crappy circumstances, and illness, and I can't stand the thought of my husband seeing or feeling me naked. He's never said anything negative to me about my body; in fact, he's my number one fan, but I feel absolutely disgusting. I know the big flashing answer is to lose the weight, and believe me, I want to, but I feel like I'm stuck in an endless cycle of.... Meh. I've tried different things to get the fire started under my ass- Physical activity, eating right, rewards to myself when I lose a few pounds, but I seem to always end back where I started, and honestly, I'm starting to lose hope. I want to feel good again, not just for myself, but for my husband. He's still trim, and sexy, and deserves better than what he's getting, but I'm lost.


Jeanne - When you get pregnant, all the books and the doctors give you peptalks about how your body is going to change during the pregnancy. However, not a single one of them tells you that your body will not return to the way that it was before your pregnancy. Hollywood and the media perpetuate this lie, by bombarding us with images of actresses and models sporting flat bellies and bikinis only a handful of weeks after giving birth. What they don’t tell you is that those women have teams of personal trainers, dietitians and even plastic surgeons hard at work behind the scenes to get them back into that size zero bikini. Pregnancy takes a huge toll on a person, both physically and emotionally. It’s not something that a person can just bounce back from. It changes you forever, in so many ways.

The first flashing answer is not to lose weight, but to reevaluate how you see yourself. You are no longer the women you were before you had children. The outward signs of that are easy to see, lack of sleep, lack of time for yourself and the signs of chaos that mark your home as being occupied by three children. The signs that are just as easy to see, but harder to accept is that your body has changed. Your body, just like you, will never be that non-mother version of yourself again. To some people that might be a sad thought, but it shouldn’t be. Who you are is a wonderful and beautiful person. Your husband knows this, he sees this and I’m sure he wishes that you saw it too.

Now it’s your turn to love yourself. No matter what weight you’re at, your body is still part of who you are. When you look in the mirror that woman you see is you and she deserves your love. I know that can be a very hard philosophy to put into practice. God knows I’ve struggled hard with it all of my life, but you’ve tried the alternative and it’s not working for you.

If it’s hard to see at first ask your husband to help you. Explain your fear to him. Tell him how you want to be sexy for him and if he insists that he does find you sexy ask him to tell you why. Maybe hearing it from him will help to change your perspective. You are a beautiful, sexy woman who deserves to be loved and treasured. You deserve to enjoy sex again.

The Shape of a Mother is a great site that showcases real life photos of women’s post pregnancy bodies and encourages women to mothers to see their bodies as beautiful.

Naughty Nurse Kimpy - I recently read a very telling quote from Jessica Alba:
The jeans sort of zip up differently... you definitely are different afterward. Unless you’re Gisele [Bundchen].


Okay, so if JESSICA ALBA has body issues after being pregnant, I think it’s pretty safe to say that 99.9% of all mothers are experiencing the same thing.

The only thing I want to emphasize is how sad it makes me that you are, in essence, punishing yourself for being overweight by denying yourself sex. Honey, everyone deserves to have good sex, regardless of how you look or how much you weigh. I completely understand the weight struggles, but you need to take a step back and acknowledge that you can--and must--allow yourself to have sex. Of all the horrible things women do to their bodies in the pursuit of conforming to media images, I think the very saddest is denying yourself a sex life. Please try to put sex into a different compartment of your brain than body image. I encourage you to start having sex, reconnecting with your husband, and I think you’ll see that no matter how much you happen to weigh, your body has value. It’s capable of wonderful and amazing things. The more you use it for pleasure, the more you’ll be able to see its value.

One of my favorite women in the history of amazing women is Eleanor Roosevelt. She once said:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


That “no one” she refers to can also be you. Don’t let yourself feel inferior, despite the thoughts that run through your brain.

Jess - Oh girl... we should sit and have coffee, because for the first five years of my marriage I felt the same way. It’s hard to admit that without it making my husband look bad, but in truth it had very little to do with him and almost everything to do with me. I had all these preconceived notions of what I should look like, what I thought I looked like in his eyes (basically how I saw myself), and a whole host of communication problems. I’m not sure what really triggered it - maybe it was turning 30, being done with babies, entering the fandom and reading things that literally blew (ha, pun intended) my mind, or finally doing some reading about how to get over this self-loathing - but something changed. I started to recognize that sex is largely mental and emotional.

I mean, yes, it’s obviously physical, but for women, we know it takes more than the flip of a switch to get us going. How we think and feel about a whole host of stuff that has gone on throughout the day, week, month... year can have a huge impact on how things go in the bedroom (or wherever). And it starts with you. Jeanne gave some great ideas above for how to really begin to process it. I encourage you to try that... or start with what you actually like about yourself.

As Dr. Berman says, “Remember that your sex appeal is all of you - the way you walk and talk, your expression, and your body language. Being happy and confident is sexy. Smiling is sexy. What looks good on the catwalk is not what turns your man on between the sheets - it is your own unique shape and feel.”
If you are looking for a practical way to get moving or lose weight, I am a huge advocate of getting 20 minutes of movement in everyday. Break a sweat and get your heart rate up. Just that little bit does WONDERS for the way I feel about myself... that might an easy way to get things going.

Until then, remember, many men adore larger women, and usually don’t notice if their partner gains or loses a few pounds. As far as they’re concerned there are more curves to love and adore. And more importantly, it starts with you, beautiful! ::hugs you tight::

I am a big girl (180 pounds) and recently I heard that extra pounds will reduce your ability to orgasm. I am already having enough trouble finding a guy who likes someone like me. Do I need to worry about this too?


Jeanne - I weigh over 200 lbs, and if anything I have more orgasms now than I did when I weighed 175lbs. Orgasms have nothing to do with your body size or weight, unless it hinders your ability to reach your clit. Then you just get a longer vibrator or a sexual partner willing to lend you a hand. Great sex comes from knowing your body and being open with your sexual partner.

As for having trouble meeting guys that like a girl with some extra pounds, how about you change your approach. Too often we larger women are tricked into believing that a guy is never going to be interested in us because of our size simply because we’ve attempted relations with guys that aren’t into women like us. The issue isn’t our size, it’s how we choose to seek out potential partners. There are a lot of very attractive, intelligent, nice guys that are attracted to large women out there, but unfortunately for us they don’t have “I love Curvy Women” tattooed on their foreheads. However there is the internet and dating services that specifically designed for larger women and men who are attracted to them. I’ve listed a few below.

BBW Dating sites:

BBW Personals

BBW Romance

Large and Lovely Connections

Large Passions

Naughty Nurse Kimpy - I’m highly suspicious of anyone who tells you that extra pounds will impede your ability to have an orgasm; that sounds like scare tactics to me. If you happen to have a rounded pubic area that makes it more difficult to reach your clitoris, there are still plenty of ways to get yourself off, as Jeanne mentioned.

There’s a lot of anti-fat prejudice in American society--we’re bombarded with messages that overweight people are lazy, stupid, petty, and otherwise undesirable. It’s hard not to listen, but when it comes to your sexual fulfillment and your weight? Do NOT listen. Own your sex life, and figure out ways to make it work for you. Claim what is rightfully yours as a human being, regardless of your shape or size.

I know I've seen some version of this question on here before, but I wanted to ask again and see if I could get a little more insight. I'm 22 and a virgin, though not entirely by choice. What the hell is wrong with me? And by "not entirely by choice" I mean that if one of the dozen or so guys I've been attracted to since I was 17 wanted to get down, I would no longer be a virgin. They just didn't, so I'm still carting around my V card. I'm a little overweight, but I've got nice boobs and a cute face. I'm a little stubborn and opinionated, and I have some self-image issues, but I know that I'm an interesting person. Heck, I'm about to graduate from a top 5 university and head to law school, but I still can't get laid. Do I just need to wait out the phase where all guys near my age want some skinny hot thing, or is there something I'm not seeing here? A close friend tells me I'm not confident enough in social interactions with potential suitors, but I don't know how to grow confidence overnight. Any suggestions?


Jeanne - I have a confession for you. Despite my slutty reputation, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19. Yes. I was (am) a big girl. I was opinionated and out going. Shit, I was in the fucking theater department in college and I couldn’t give my v-card away. I remember feeling just as frustrated and down at the time, that you do right now. In fact, this frustration drove me to initiate one of the most painful, lack luster sexual experiences of my life, losing my virginity. There were no fireworks, no rainbows and no heartfelt declarations of love. There was alcohol, an abnormally large penis, and a distressing amount of vaginal bleeding. Ahhh the memories.

I’m not telling you this to scare you, okay maybe I am, but only just a little. I’m doing it because I suspect that you want more than just someone to help you lose your virginity. That’s what I thought I wanted when I lost mine, but I know now that I really wanted to feels sexy and desired. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that it will come with sex. Those things come with the right partner. Someone that is mature and self aware enough to know what he wants and has the balls to go after it. True, this isn’t always a trait you find in younger men. Usually, because they are embroiled in the same struggles to define themselves and their sexual tastes that young women are.

So what’s a big, beautiful, but very horny girl to do? There’s always masturbation, or another way to take matters into your hands is to pursue men who are attracted to women like you. I suggest that you check out the BBW dating sites I’ve listed above. You could also look around your local college campuses for BBW groups or Body Positive support groups. Large in Charge is a online list of active BBW friend parties/events listed by state. There are a ton of BBW friendly websites, groups and even facebook pages all focused on connecting large women and the people that find them sexy. Forget those clueless boys and look for some wise men who will appreciate you for the sexy goddess and all around awesome person you are.

Jess - I’ll top Jeanne. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 22, on my wedding night. For me, it was sort of a personal choice to wait. I wanted to wait for the person who was right for me, to give something I cherished away. That probably sounds cheesy, but I’m glad I waited. I’m not necessarily telling you to wait... but I think it’s important to get away from the thinking of “I’m X years old and should have lost my V-card by now.”

Perspective and perception are critical here -- not just how you view yourself but what you’re projecting onto others. I think it’s unfair to assume that just because you are pretty (which I have no doubt you are) or a little overweight that a guy will/won’t want to hook up. They have their reasons, just as you have yours.

*Jeanne jumps in to add her 2 cents* Let me ask you this, have you had guys who did find attractive approach you? Were the reasons that you didn’t find them attractive purely physical or was it other things? You didn’t agree with their politics, or their taste in music. Maybe they are awesome people, good friends in fact, but you just didn’t feel that spark of attraction that you feel with other men. It’s the same for men. Just because you find someone appealing doesn’t guarantee they’ll feel the same way, and the reasons for it has a lot more to do with them than you. *jumps back out*

The more important issue at hand here is how you feel about yourself. We’ve talked a lot in this post so far about how important it is to love yourself, to be comfortable in your own skin. This is hard to do, and something I work on each day, as do all the other Pervs. But the bottom line is this -- loving yourself builds confidence. When we’re confident, it shows. And guys totally dig that.

Naughty Nurse Kimpy - I’ve recently discovered a secret that I’m going to share with you. Sadly, it took me 47 years to figure this out, but I *did* figure it out.

Confidence is incredibly sexy.

It honestly doesn’t matter how big you are, if you can raise your head high and rock what it is you’ve got, it makes all the difference in the world regarding your sexual appeal. In the wonderful words of Justin Timberlake:

Sexy, to me, is the way you carry what you have. I have a big nose, but I rock it.


I repeat that to myself whenever I’m venturing out in a crowd, or going to a movie, or attending a party. Rock what you have. It even doesn’t matter if you don’t believe what you’re saying, repeat it to yourself anyhow; some day, you really will believe it if you say it often enough. Don’t allow yourself to back down. Force yourself to listen to your body--rock it. I think you’ll be surprised by the responses you get.

I’m also going to share another secret with you: POWER UNDERWEAR. You know how they talk about power suits? They have nothing on power underwear. When I first discovered the fandom, I was literally afraid of lingerie. I’m very short and very curvy, and none of it ever fit. However, my lovely online friends persevered (thank you, MsKathy) and I went out and forced myself to buy some. It doesn’t matter if no one ever sees your power underwear--its power comes from YOU. You know that you’re wearing it. You know that you’re sexy. It’s your own little secret with the universe, and it’s like bottling up confidence to go. You can bring it with you wherever you go, and it’s all yours. Just one more way you can rock what you’ve got.



Finally, we leave you with this moving video that pretty much says everything that needs to say about all our body image issues.




Other Resources:

List of BBW Dating sites:
BBW Personals

BBW Romance

Large and Lovely Connections

Large Passions

Body Positive Websites:
The Shape of a Mother

Curvy Girl Revolution

Endangered Species Women

Love Your Body Day

I Love Her Curves


Body Positive Tumblrs:
Size Means Nothing

Eternally Fat

Broadist

Chubby Bunnies

Fuck Yeah Fat Arms

Practice Self Love

All Bodies are Good Bodies

Fat From the Side

Stop Hating Your Body

and
many, many more.


List of free porn sites for BBW:
BBW Amateur

Wild BBW

BBW Sex World

BBW Sex Gals

Pay Porn sites for BBW:
Big Cuties.com



Do you have a question for Naughty Nurse Kimpy? Click the banner below, fill out the form, and get your answer in the next installment of Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy.

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9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am sort of sobbing reading this. Thank you for this post. More than you know. For so many reasons.

kimpy0464 said...

While I'm sad that you're sobbing over the post, I'm also grateful that our words touched you in a meaningful way. I wasn't kidding when I said "enough." *nurse kimpy hugs*

Anonymous said...

Sobbing in the most awesome euphoric kind of a way. and OMG all of those photos are just delicious. Thanks for the 'hugs'....gonna go read the post again. Yes, it is that good.

Anonymous said...

Kimpy. Amazing as always! Thsnk you ladies! I am 50 a succesful professional and have six kids but even still I struggle with these issues! But do talk to your partner becaue the other night I was saying to my hubby's how great and trim he looks even after six kids why cant I ? He smiled and said well you had the much more difficult part in all of it and he said he loved me and told me I was even more sexy because of it ( now why can't I believe it?)
So I use candles and lingerie it helps me
Thanks as always

kimpy0464 said...

First of all, I love your husband. He *gets* it. YAY! Second of all, when it comes down to it, isn't his opinion the one that should trump all the others? If he loves you as you are, then that should be the final word. Please, try to focus on all the amazing things your body has accomplished in its 50 years. Six babies! That's such a feat, bb. *snuggles*

Eves said...

Awesome post! And thanks for visiting CGR :)

Anonymous said...

Best post ever! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I need to let the confident, beautiful, sexy woman I feel like on the inside (when I'm alone, not thinking about how others see me), make an appearance to the outside world where she doesn't feel accepted, appreciated, or loved. I've come a long way when it comes to loving & accepting myself in the past year or so, but I don't let that part of me show outside of the comfort of my own mind/ fantasies. Obviously I'm not that confident yet, but I'm working on it. It's hard to break through the walls I've put up, thinking they'll protect me from the pain & heartache of not being accepted for what I look like - I need to let go of the memories & pain I feel every time a family member or stranger comments on my weight or treats me differently because of it. I'm even heavier than in was in college, but I had an awesome boyfriend then, that loved every curve - he wasn't "into" big women, but he loved me for who I was. I have to realize I'm still as loveable & I'd make some man very happy if I'd let myself get back out into the dating scene. (never been married, almost 40)

chocolatekate6 said...

Thank you so much for this. I normally just lurk on this blog but this post was amazing, and i felt like i had to say thank you. As a larger girl, i feel like there isn't enough discussion on the fact that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING BIG! If you are healthy and happy with yourself, that is the only thing that matters! So thank you again! <3 <3

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Thank you, thank you! This a great article. I've been lerking here for so long and have learned so much from Nurse Kimpy. I am a 49 yr. old recent widow and was in a wonderful 30 year relationship. Since I was 18 when I met my love I never questioned my body image because I knew that I was beautiful in the eyes of my beholder. Thank you for reminding me that I still havve hope to again someday find someone to be intimate with and who may appreciate what I have to offer as a sensual being.