Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy

Naughty Nurse Special 22nd, December


The Naughty Nurse is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!


The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

Naughty Nurse Kimpy Gets a Little Help From Her Friends

In honor of the upcoming holidays, the Pervs are banding together to help Naughty Nurse Kimpy answer a very important question. Study up, Pervlings. The man in your life will be *very* happy that you did.


My boyfriend and I haven't had sex yet, but we have fooled around and I've seen his penis and touched it. And let me say! It's is unbelievable. He ranges around 8 3/4 close to 9 inches. I'm nervous though! I've never given a blowjob and I want to make it so good for him so he'll be spewing out, "Fucks." and, "Oh shit, baby!" How do I give a terrific blowjob?

How do you give a mind-blowing blow job?

Jeanne - First and foremost, a blow job is not like fucking a pussy and it shouldn’t be. So don’t try to simulate vaginal intercourse with your mouth, because, honestly, he can do that with his hand. Your mouth is a magical sexual treasure chest of tricks and surprises. Remember this when you set out to give head. Your lips and a tongue have a wider range of movement than your vagina, not to mention what you can do with the muscles in your throat, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I said “head.” *gigglesnort*

Another thing to remember is that men, like women, are all different. While I can tell you that men like their balls played with while you blow them, that may not be true for your man. That is why communication is so important. You will need to talk to your partner to find out what he likes, and if he isn’t sure you may want to try new things.

When exploring anything new with sex it’s best to do so carefully and CONSTANTLY check in with your partner to make sure he’s comfortable with what is happening. It’s also good to give him fair warning so he knows what to expect. Trust me, nothing ruins the mood like an unexpected finger in the ass. Clear communication before, during and after sex is a fundamental key to sexual satisfaction.

If your guys is shy about sex talk outside of the bedroom, try working it into sex play. Now, this doesn’t mean you need to interrogate him, which would prove to be difficult when you have a cock in your mouth. And you don’t have to talk like a porn star either (cause that can ruin the mood for some men). You just have to ask him questions in a sultry voice; “Is this part sensitive? Oh, do you like that? Should I do it again?” Watch his face and REALLY listen to what he says. If you are still unsure about how he’s responding something you’re doing, stop doing it. It’s best to be safe, and besides some guys won’t admit that they like something until you take it away. *wink*

Now, let’s talk tips. A lot people like to talk about deep throating, but this is NOT a freshmen trick. Your throat is not unlike your vagina, and while it can handle a lot, it CANNOT do it without training and preparation. Just like women need to go through Lamaze to train up for popping a baby out of their cooter, you need to train your throat.

Gag-reflex, everyone’s got one, and most of them are sensitive. You can work on that. How? Why by shoving shit down your throat, of course. Now, don’t just jam anything down there. You need to start slow and work up to the big stuff. I started out with thin popsicles. The cold helps numb your throat and get you used to the feeling of having something that far back there. Then work up to thicker items, like bananas. Also, try using Chloraseptic (throat numbing medicine) during practice*. It’s also important to

Trade secret: That’s right, I got one, and feel free to spread it around, because honestly every man in the world should thank me for sharing it. Deep throating is easier if you start with a soft dick. Yep, I mean limp as an overcooked spaghetti noodle. If you start sucking on him, and allow him to slowly harden in your mouth. You can get used to the feel of his dick slowly entering your throat, a little bit at a time, until suddenly you have a hard cock down your throat.

Once you have the dick in your throat all you have to do to blow you partner's mind and hopefully his load too, is to close your throat. Now this is not exactly like swallowing, but rather the start of that process (don’t get me wrong you can try to swallow around his dick, but I have found that you don’t need to go that far). Just relax and close your throat around his cock, while moving your tongue and play with his balls (if he likes that). Often you don’t even need to move your head while you’re doing this, and he will come so hard he may pass out.

Which reminds me, it’s best to have the guy laying on his back while you do this. That way you can be totally in control of how far down your throat he goes and he won’t hurt himself if he faints after coming. Laugh all you want. One of my former lovers still carries a scar on his temple from falling into a bookcase after I blew him. ;)

*Do not used any numbing medicines or numbing lubes while giving head, as they can diminish sensation in the penis and effect your partner’s ability to climax. Unless you want to make a run at the Guiness Book of World record’s time for world’s longest blow job. js

Chele - Not all dicks were created equal - let’s talk about the angle of the dangle. If your partner curves one direction (up, down, left, right, corkscrew), you may find better success in the going deep department if you align yourself to approach it that way. Dicks are generally not fond of bending once they’re hard, and it will reduce the amount of wrestling you have to do (leaving a hand free for other things) if you adjust your trajectory. If it’s heading to the left, come at it from the left. Move your whole body to line up; your neck will thank you.

Speaking of alignment. You may find that by positioning your mouth upside down - such as hanging off the edge of the bed - you are able to achieve a much deeper when you eliminate the ninety degree angle usually present at the back of your mouth.

Jen - I don’t know that this is advice exactly, but I think if you really hate and dread giving bjs then you shouldn’t give them. It’s no fun for you, and no fun for your partner. Well, yeah, a guy’s gonna get off with a hot, wet body part around his dick, but it won’t be as great as it could be. Wouldn’t you be kind of turned off if your partner went down on you making faces like he didn’t want to do it at all or thought that your girl parts were disgusting? I really didn’t enjoy it for years and would give a perfunctory lick or two when asked with puppy dog eyes. But somewhere along the way I found my inspiration, and I love giving them now. He loves my enthusiasm, I get turned on, it’s win-win. I do not have a sure-fire recipe for learning to love the beej. My path to the altar of head was a celebrity crush with what I am certain was a magnetic and all powerful crotch. I could totally imagine being on my knees for him, so why not for my husband.

Kimpy - Because I’m getting a little help from my friends for this post, I decided to ask the men in my life what *they* love about blowjobs. While their details were helpful, their answers were a tad... surprising. My panel of sexperts included my husband and several of my gay friends; I figured they knew the most about what feels best. As we all got to talking, every single one of them finally said, “You know, blowjobs are great and all, but it just doesn’t beat the main event. It’s more like an option from the dollar menu at McDonalds.”


I’ve been giving BJs for how many years, and it’s a suddenly a dollar menu option? Are you fucking kidding me? Once my boys calmed me down, they explained, and I ultimately felt much better. I was beginning to think I picked the wrong damn group of sexperts, tbh.

Hubby clarified on this matter. “It not so much about technique, although that helps, what really makes a BJ special is presentation.” HUH? It’s a hard penis, right? What’s this nonsense about presentation? “If the chick or guy seems totally into it, like they want your cock in their mouth more than anything else on god’s green earth? THEN it is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to you.” Apparently, it’s like watching your partner putting on the ‘O’ face; when you see someone getting off on your body, it is a total rush--especially when their lips work you up and down. So, pervlings? Love on the hard rod for all its worth.

As far as technique is concerned, besides being very into having that cock in your mouth, they all said how important it is to consider a blow job a two-step affair. Every good blow job requires hand and mouth. “It’s like a very wet hand job.” That means grip your fist around your man’s erection, and place your open mouth on top of your fist. As you glide your hand up and down the shaft, move your mouth in unison. It’s never a bad idea to use lube to assist you in the process. There are plenty of flavored lubes on the market for that purpose, because, let’s be honest--most regular water-based gels taste like ass. You already have a (hopefully) large object in your mouth, so it isn’t like you need any extra help challenging your gag reflex.

Another hot button for guys? Licking the underside of the penis head. It’s very sensitive. Don’t forget the balls, or that strip of skin between the balls and the ass--when combined with a mouth on the cock, it can be magic. However, the best, best, best thing you can do while giving head? Lube up a finger and knock on the back door. Those two sensations together are like the sexual equivalent of TNT. Just remember, though--use A LOT of lube, and don’t just shove your finger in there. Work around the rim, and gradually, gently, ease your finger in and out, getting more inside with each pass. If you can stand it, go for the prostate--it feels like the top of a walnut shell, only not as hard. Massage that little nub with the tip of your finger, and hello, nirvana.

Another little trick that I like to employ (yes, pervlings, I did hone my BJ skills before Mr. Kimpy was on board) involves some wicked tonguing. I use the “wet hand job” technique described above, but sometimes, I stop when the cock reaches the back of my throat. I squeeze the base of his cock with my hand, and stroke along the main vein using the tip of my tongue. Up and down, using as much pressure as I can. Then pull him out of my mouth, give a little bit of attention to the underside of the head, and go back for more.

For future reference, I fired my panel of sexperts.

Dollar menu. Hmmph.

Teal - This may be the biggest TMI post we’ve ever done, but damn it, we’re really going for it here, aren’t we? I would like to start by thanking Jeanne for pointing out that your lovely mouth is not a vagina (or bum) made for pounding away at. Granted, a skull fuck may be some people’s kink (men or women), but the fact remains that, in general, it’s not really fun for the person with the penis in their mouth. This is a personal pet peeve of mine (and not necessarily my fellow Pervs) that it happens waaay too much in fic. That being said, gentlemen, be kind to your lady. She’s doing you a wonderful service. Her teeth are incredibly close to your peen. She could bite at any moment. Don’t choke her (or him)! Apply that to your fic and/or real life as you see fit. =)

Now that I’ve stepped off my soapbox, let’s get some perspective. Personally, I love oral sex because it is the ultimate juxtaposition of control. Sometimes, the person on the receiving end has control (or the illusion of it) because their partner is on their knees, in a submissive position, and unless it’s a 69 situation, they are providing really fucking awesome pleasure with nothing in return. On the other hand, the giver can also have the upper hand because they are in control of every sparklegasm-y sensation and bit o’ goodness that the receiver feels. They decide the tempo, the technique, and if that person will get to come. At the most perfect times, both partners can find a way to meet in the middle, utilizing verbal and nonverbal communication to get the job done in a way that will leave both parties smiling and happy.

Furthermore, I am a firm believer that the connection you feel to your partner, whether a one night stand or your husband of 20 years, makes a huge difference. If you’re not feeling it that moment or mentally into the act, it’s probably going to be lackluster for both of you. In 95% of those cases, I’d say it’s best to choose an alternate activity. Seriously, the world won’t end if he doesn’t get a beej, no matter what he tries to make you believe. Alternately, if you’ve got your man and there’s nothing you crave more than his cock in your mouth, well, you’re ready to learn some new tricks.

That being said, do yourself a favor and give and/or receive oral sex whenever possible. It will make your life much better, especially if he’s the kind of guy who always reciprocates! Spontaneous offers of great head are always a good treat, and they prep him for more action throughout the day (or night). One of my favorites is the Good Morning BJ. This is especially lovely if you’ve already been sleeping naked (hopefully from a nice romp the night before). There is nothing like the reaction of a man who is still mostly asleep waking up all disoriented and realizing that there is a warm, wet mouth around his cock. Whether or not you finish the job or it leads to intercourse is up to you two, but I promise he will fall a little more in love with you for it.

As far as technique, I always find that wetter is better. Sex in all forms is sloppy, and that’s half the fun, so give him a healthy tongue bath. If you have to work a hand (or both) into it, you’ll already have a little lubrication to work with. Don’t be shy. Everyone is different as far as how soft or rough they like sex, but don’t be afraid to experiment with a little teeth scraping. Start light and gentle, of course, and if he displays any signs of discomfort, for the love of smut, stop! This is another circumstance where communication is very important. Some guys will want you to bite a little; others are too sensitive for anything like that.

Utilize that tongue! Swirl it, flick it, tease with it, and make him beg for more. This is easiest around the head or when licking up and down the shaft, but you can still do some tongue tricks when he’s all the way in your mouth. I like to take in as much as possible and bob shallowly there while moving my tongue from side to side quickly. This creates a unique sensation for him as it is extra attention on the base/underside of his cock. In my experiences, it gets the big thumbs up.

Finally, if you have a gay friend you can discuss blow jobs with, by all means, DO! No one understands a good beej better than a man who has both given and received a hummer. He will understand what feels the best and be able to tell you the things he does for his partner(s) that make them beg for more. If you don’t have your very own gay . . . there’s always gay porn. *giggles and walks away*

Happy cocking sucking, my dear pervlings!

Trin - Most of the other ladies have already given so many good pieces of advice but I have just a few other things I’d like to add.


Really. I mean they are just hanging out like the kid to be picked last for kickball. They want to play too.

Some people have an aversion to a ball or two in their mouth, but I think if you are sticking a cock in there why not a little more? If you want to start off slow lay your partner back and position yourself between his legs. (NGL doing the sex kitten crawl up the bed to his dick thing is always a winner.) I like to tease the tip with my lips, butterfly kisses if you will, before I dive right in. Once you make that first pass really search out the ridge of his head with your lips and apply slight pressure as you move him in and out of your mouth. I personally don’t like using my entire hand around his cock I just use my middle and pointer finger to slide down to the base making the skin even tighter. With your hands already in place your thumb is just sitting there with nothing to do, I say stroke those balls. Once both of you are comfortable with this move your other hand to cup and apply light pressure, too. Then from there add your mouth and tongue, if you feel up to that.

And I just want to second Teal’s advice, Good Morning BJs are fantastic. I can’t lie I get a little cocky *tee-hee* when hubs has that goofy grin on his face when I’m done.

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vbfb19 said...

Ok i just want to say thank you to the entire TwiFic Fandom for helping make my husband a very happy man.

Before i discovered fanfic i used to hate giving my husband BJ's and would avoid them like the plague.

I have learnt so many tricks and tips from fanfic and there are even a few in this article i am dying to try. Now my husband sings my praises every single time.

I promise you, do what this article tells you to, for your significant other and they will want a BJ all the time.

The biggest thing i learnt that made giving BJ's no longer gag worthy was to slide the tongue over his head as he comes seems to make the cum taste better and it doesn't hit the back of your throat and make you gag.