Thursday, December 9, 2010

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy


The Naughty Nurse is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!


The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

My boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I couldn't have sex with him. We tried many times but I was never aroused enough to have sex. He told me I was frigid. Is it bad that I can't feel aroused when I was with him?

I'm sorry that you had to go through an experience where someone you cared deeply about called you frigid. That is such a loaded word, and using it is almost cruel. You ask if it is bad that you couldn't feel aroused with him. What you feel is what you feel, and that is never good or bad, it just simply is. You cannot help how you respond emotionally--it isn't something that you can control. Please, forgive yourself for not being aroused when you were with him--it's okay. It happens. There were obviously other issues that contributed to your feelings. To get to the heart of the matter, you really need to explore those feelings to determine what exactly went wrong.

First of all, ask yourself if you've felt aroused by other individuals. Old boyfriends? Crushes? Guys in movies? When you masturbate, what do you think of? Try to identify what it is that really turns you on. That will help you determine if the issue was your old boyfriend, or if it is something more. If you aren't sure, I encourage you to spend time to figure that out. Read erotic stories. Watch some porn. Look at nude photography. Pay attention to your body's responses when you masturbate. If you don't masturbate regularly, or at all, you might want to start delving into it more. You might laugh at my next suggestion, but I am deadly serious--become very familiar with your lady bits. Get a mirror and look at yourself. See what you look like when you are both aroused and unaroused. The more familiar you are with your own equipment, the more confident you will be in any sexual encounters you have. You own the house, so go inspect it--when you know what you have to offer, it is easier to invite people in.

You say you were never aroused enough to have sex, and I'm assuming you mean that you didn't have enough natural lubrication to ease the process. Have you had sex with anyone else? If you're a virgin, the fear of the unknown could be a contributing factor in not being aroused enough. There are all kinds of great water-based, long lasting lubricants you can use if you don't happen to make enough of your own. We all have times when the natural lubrication just isn't there. There's nothing wrong with giving mother nature a hand in times like those. Don't let a partner make you feel bad, and don't question yourself, if you happen to run into lubrication issues.

Finally, and I cannot emphasize this point enough, you need to understand that a huge portion of the human sexual response doesn't happen in the genitals--it happens in the brain. Thoughts, fears, and feelings all contribute to your sexual responsiveness. For some reason, there was a disconnect between your feelings and your sexual responses with your old boyfriend. One researcher puts it this way: "emotions can sometimes override logic... and reason can stop us from expressing our emotions." (Marieb, 1992) It is also important to know that the female brain, and thus, sexual response, is more tied to emotions than is the male brain, which is more visual. Basically, the things that excited you were different from the things that excited him. There isn't anything wrong with that, it is simply that men and women are wired differently, and it is important to acknowledge and understand these differences.

Another question I'd like you to ask yourself is how do you feel about sex, in general? Is it something you feel guilty about? Is it something that frightens you? Is it something that you enjoy? It is so important to understand that humans are sexual creatures. During our life cycle, we are born, we grow, we reproduce, and we die. Thus, a huge part of the human experience is tied to reproduction. Humans conveniently evolved to a point where sexual activity is highly pleasurable, to entice us to keep up the reproduction part of our life cycle. So, not only is it very normal to want and enjoy sex, it is a biological imperative. All you really need to do is unlock the key to what it is that makes you tick sexually. Once you unlock that door, the world will be your oyster. Good luck, and if you want to ask any follow up questions privately, send me a DM on Twitter (@kimpy0464).

I was wondering if a guy can hurt you from thrusting into you too hard. We've all read it or maybe seen it on a video. But can he actually hurt you from being too rough. My boyfriend is scared of hurting me when I try to pick up the pace a little, maybe you can set his mind to rest for me. Thanks for any advice you can give and I love what you've been doing with all these questions, I know I learned a lot bb.

All right. Let me frame this response by stating that the vagina is a very pliable organ. It's function is to have sex and bear babies. It is very, very flexible and elastic. I love that your boyfriend is concerned enough about hurting you that he is extra careful. As such, you can reassure him that it will probably be impossible for him to really hurt you. That isn't to say that the vagina cannot be hurt, but the kind of injuries I'm talking about are typically caused during a violent rape or assault. You can get bruised or tear the tissue, but those injuries occur when a woman is forcibly taken without any lubrication, when a fist or other object is used to penetrate the vagina, or the perpetrator is deliberately trying to injure. Your boyfriend doesn't appear to belong in that category at all, so reassure him about that right away.

When you are having "rough" sex with your boyfriend, the most thing most likely to happen will be a bumped ovary or cervix. That isn't something that will even harm you--it's just momentarily uncomfortable. Just stop, reposition, and you'll be good to go. Did I mention that 10 pound babies are squeezed through the cervix and vagina? TEN. POUND. BABIES. I'm assuming your boyfriend's penis is smaller than a ten pound baby, so again, you're just fine.

I encourage you to try an experiment, if you will. Shake things up a bit. Tell your boyfriend that he should experiment with his thrusts. Just one or two at a time, so he can see that it doesn't hurt you. Ask him to get successively more forceful with each new attempt. My guess is that, under the guise of an experiment, he can learn just how much thrust you can handle, without delivering any harm at all to your kitty. Once he has a "muscle memory" of how much thrust is okay, he'll feel safe with it, and it can become more routine. Let him know that all kinds of sex can be great--sometimes, you want it slow and sensual, but sometimes? You just want to be fucked. All types of sexual intercourse, rough, easy, soft, hard, whatever, are within the realm of normal and acceptable as long as they are okay with both partners. Please reassure your lovely boyfriend that if he ever does hurt you, you know that it is only by accident, and the good news about a bruise or a tear is that it heals. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you will always tell him if/when it hurts, so that he doesn't have to use up mental energy being worried about it. Take the pressure off of him, and you'll get the reins. So, giddy up, pardner, and show that boy how to ride. ;)

How long does it take for (an example) an 18-year-old guy to get hard again after an orgasm?

Ah. The elusive erection question. Did you ever wonder how it is that FFn Edward, even when he is fully human, can get incredible, ragingly hard erections, almost at will? And, incredibly, he can have them almost consecutively, and can come many times throughout the course of an evening? Right. That's why it's called fiction. In real life, erections are much trickier things. Before we get to the 18 YO guy, let's talk erections in general.

1. A man's erection can be triggered by lots of different things, including (but not limited to) touch, either directly to the penis or other erogenous zones; smell; sight; and/or sounds (especially dirty talking and sexual sounds like moans). Not surprisingly, both emotions and thoughts contribute largely in the erection reflex. The trigger might not even be a pleasurable one--some men get erect when they are afraid or in pain. The most important thing to remember, though, is that erections cannot be consciously willed.

2. "The length of time an erection lasts varies greatly from individual to individual and from situation to situation." Strong, et. al., 1996. That being said, most men learn to gauge how much stimulation they need to achieve a hard on, and also how much stimulation they need to have an orgasm, and over time, learn to stretch out their erections.

3. All men experience a refractory period immediately following an orgasm where they cannot get hard again. Once again, this refractory period varies greatly from person to person, and increases with age. No amount of stimulation can produce another hard on until the refractory period is over--in fact, the head of the penis gets so sensitive that it feels unpleasant to touch it during this refractory time. The male's body--heart rate, breaths per minute, blood pressure--slows down immediately following ejaculation, which is why they get so sleepy right after sex.

4. The main determinants of how long the refractory period lasts are the guy's age, and the amount of time since he last came. Let's just say that your 18 YO has time on his side in that equation. At 18, it might take him 5 minutes to recover and be ready to go again. At age 40, maybe an hour. By the age of 60, it could take an entire day. In general, you can assume that the younger the guy, the faster the refractory period is over. However, the other side of that coin is that they also reach an orgasm more quickly as well. As a guy ages, you can have sex for a longer period of time, but it also takes him longer to recover. Do you see where I'm going with this?

5. Remember that drugs and alcohol factor into the equation, so if a guy has been drinking or using, all bets are off. No one knows what his reaction time is going to be, even the guy himself.

6. The brain is the most important part of the erection equation; you cannot emphasize that enough. Emotions factor into that equation, too. A guy jerking off in his bedroom is going to get off just as surely as a guy making love to his dream woman in a tropical paradise, but you can bet that the intensity of the orgasm is going to be as different as night and day. Strong physical emotions such as love, lust, passion and commitment to one's partner can all play a role in diminishing his refractory period between orgasms.

The most important thing you need to remember about guys and hard ons is that it is usually best not to make any assumptions about when they are going to occur, how often they are going to occur, and how long they are going to last. Every situation is different, so just go with the flow.

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Anonymous said...

I love your responses - great information,
Presented in a caring and fun way :)

Kimpy0464 said...

Thank you so much for your kind words. I always aim to come across as caring and informative, so I'm glad that's exactly what you see. :)