Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!

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DISCLAIMER:

The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

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I've read in the previous post of a reader about being a virgin at age 20. Well hell, I can't tell you how that made me feel,cause i'm 23 and I don't think I'll be losing it anytime soon. And I've been feeling so bad because of it, and I think I need some advice. Sure I'd like a good, no, great fuck but I'd like to have feelings for that someone first. Is it unrealistic for me to want and wait for someone that will adore me first? And what do guys REALLY think about virgins? Please help?

Hey, being a virgin at 20, 23, 29... there is no pressure on you to lose your virginity tomorrow, so please, please, please, don't feel bad about still being a virgin. It's merely an aspect of who you are--it doesn't instantly change you, or make you better, or make you worse, once you lose it. If you think about it in the most basic of terms, the difference between you and someone who lost their virginity? You don't have a tear in your hymen yet. That's it. Physically, there is no other difference. Just relax, because there is no shame in deciding you want to wait for someone with whom losing your virginity will be meaningful, and not merely a means to an end. Don't use your sexual status as a way to gauge your desirability to the opposite sex, because there is so much more to it than that. Eventually, it will happen for you, and when it does, by all means, go have great sexual experiences. Choosing to wait doesn't mean you can't have orgasms, or other sexual experiences, after all. Is it unrealistic to want to wait for that someone? Let's approach that another way. Is it unrealistic for you to prefer milk chocolate over dark chocolate? Is it unrealistic to want syrup on your pancakes? Is it unrealistic to prefer snuggling in your warm bed rather than getting up to face the cold winter morning? Of course not. If it is what you want, it doesn't really matter, does it? Don't let everyone else dictate what is right for you. Don't feel bad about making a choice that you want to make. That's all there is to it, end of story.

So, what do guys really think about virgins? Really? Dude, she is going to be so farking tight. That may sound crass, but I guarantee, that will be one of the thoughts in their head. They will probably also feel special that you wanted to wait for the right person, and that your right person happens to be... them. I think the most important thing to remember is that virgin is not necessarily synonymous with inexperienced or prude. Don't hesitate to let a guy know that you aren't afraid of sex, you just want it to be right, or meaningful. That's a heck of a lot different than being a virgin out of fear, or because you've been forced to make that choice by your family or your religion. As much as you want your first experience to be more meaningful, your guy will probably find it meaningful, too, because you waited, and you chose him. See where I'm going with this?

Bottom line? You chose. You're 23. You like sex, but you're waiting for the right moment. You're just fine the way you are, bb--own your decision, regardless of your age. There is no need to make up any excuses or waste another moment of energy on something you've already decided. Oh, and if you came back in a week and decided that you want to have mad sex with ten guys? I would tell you the same exact thing: Own. Your. Decision.

Jeanne creeps in to add her two cents: I would like to add two things.

Men are not a separate species, though at times it may appear like they are. Guys want the same things girls want, but that want may differ depending on the individual guy. What’s important is what you want from a relationship and partner. Once you know what that is, it will be easier to find someone else who wants these same things aka Mr Right. If nothing else, you’ll be able to eliminate the men that aren’t what you’re looking for that much faster. ;)

Second, when you do meet the person that you love, and want to have sex with them, don’t deliver the news like it’s a death sentence. If you bring all your anxiety and concerns about his reaction to the conversation it’s going to bring a lot of negative energy to something that should be positive. The fact that you’ve waiting to have your first experience with sexual intercourse with this person is a wonderful, momentous occasion. Don’t treat it like a burden or some difficulty that you both have to work through. Giving your virginity to someone is cause for celebration, present it to him that way. Your virginity is a gift that you’re giving to him as an expression of your love for him. Any man, worth your love and trust will treat you with care and respect when he is presented with this news.

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Sex has become a routine for my husband and I, and it's all missionary, all the time. My knowledge of other positions isn't very great, so how should I spice things up?

Great question, because this happens to nearly every couple once you've been together for a while. I think the very first thing you need to do is have some alone time with your spouse, and to use that time to be open and honest with each other about your routine and your desire to switch things up a bit. Take some time to delve into what attracted you to each other physically when you first met. Talk about what you loved when you had sex with him. Try to tease out exactly what it is that gave you guys chemistry in the first place. Once you understand more about the foundation upon which your relationship is built, you can start to play around with that.

I suggest a Q&A time with your husband. Be sure to set ground rules first; make a pact that whatever you say will not be held against you later on, so that you both feel free to express yourselves in a safe environment. Have a glass of wine, get comfortable, and talk about your biggest turn-ons. What is something you perhaps have always wanted to do, but never had the guts to admit? What is your biggest fantasy? What is his? Are these things you are willing to do for one another? If not, that's okay--remember, this is a time without any retribution. If yes, figure out a way to make these fantasies happen. You can even think of it as a game. Write these fantasies on slips of paper, and then choose them out of a bag, so that neither one of you knows what you'll be doing until the paper is unfolded. The anticipation is nearly as big a turn on as is the act of having sex itself. Remember, the brain is probably the most important organ in your sexual response--use it wisely to your benefit.

In terms of sexual positions, you could do the same type of system--research positions you want to try, write them down, then pick them from out of a hat. What are good resources for sexual positions? Oh god, there are tons of things out there, some very accessible. You're going to laugh at me, but I'm being completely honest here--Cosmopolitan magazine's issues on sexual positions are almost always full of awesome ideas. In fact, Cosmo has all kinds of great ideas about sex in general, like blow job tips. Plus, it has the added benefit of being available at the check out of your local grocery store. Need I say more? The Kama Sutra is the sexual position bible, so to speak; it genuinely has incredible information. You might want to watch porn together, which is a turn on in and of itself, but also will give you some pretty creative examples of sexual positions. You could also read erotica to one another, as foreplay as well as a breeding ground for ideas on sexual positions.

Personally, I believe that the most important thing in spicing up your sex life is simply acknowledging that it needs to be spiced up. If you can get to a point where you can admit that things have gotten stale, and you can openly discuss ways to make things more interesting, most of the battle has already been waged. Good luck to you, and happy smexing!!

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I haven't orgasmed with my boyfriend the last few times we've had sex. Is there something wrong with me? Because I do love him and I don't think of anyone else during intercourse, so he can't be the problem.

Without knowing the specifics of your sex life up until now, forgive me if I make a few generalizations (if I'm way off base, please feel free to contact me again). First and foremost, please don't feel like this means there is something wrong with you! The human sexual response is incredibly varied over time, and it would be very unusual to have the exact same response every time you have sex. If your mind starts to obsess over this issue, it could make things worse instead of better. I've said it before, and I will say it again--the most important part of sexual experience is the mind.

Let me ask you a few questions, to give you a hand. Have you been having sex more frequently than usual? Do you find yourself more stressed out or preoccupied? Have you been experiencing orgasms via penetration alone, or have you also been using clitoral stimulation? Having sex and orgasms with more frequency can dampen your orgasmic response. It doesn't mean you won't have an orgasm, but it can lead to less intense orgasms. If you are stressed out in any aspect of your life, that can also make it more difficult for you to make your O face. I cannot emphasize enough that it is difficult for most women to have orgasms via penetration alone--usually, women need direct clitoral stimulation, too. Have you been skimping on the foreplay lately? If you aren't already pretty wound up before you start having sex, that can affect your ability to achieve orgasm.

Regardless of whether or not you are having issues that I addressed in the last paragraph, I encourage you to be open about this topic with your partner. Obviously, you don't want him to feel bad that you haven't been achieving the big O--that's not what I'm trying to accomplish here. Rather, this is something you two can work through together, and it can bring you closer. When you have sex, mutual satisfaction is usually the overall goal. Try to come up with some ideas that appeal to both of you to heighten both of your sexual responses. Experiment with using a vibrator on your clit while he penetrates you. Use your own finger to stimulate yourself. Try different positions when you have sex, focusing on those that allow you to put more direct pressure on your clit (a great one to try is with you on top, straddling your boyfriend). The bottom line is use this issue as a way to bring you closer to your partner. Find a solution together. Try lots of different things. Not only can it help you get your groove back, but also it can introduce a new level of fun and passion into your sex. That's never a bad thing, in my book.

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