Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STIs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!
The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.
Calling all readers! Naughty Nurse Kimpy is going to do a post on sex as we age. She’d love to hear from you about any questions you might have about menopause, perimenopause, men and aging, or anything else that interests you. If you have any favorite fics that feature an older couple, let me know what they are. Please use the button at the end of this post to submit your questions.
Dear Kimpy (I love your column!)
There's been a lot of talk about loosing your virginity in this column, and I just thought I'd contribute and share my thoughts with a all the girls out there who - just like me - feel like they're "too old" to be virgins and are starting to feel a little desperate. I just turned 20, starting my second year at uni this fall as a teenager. And being 19, unkissed, and very much a virgin, I decided to take matters into my own hands before I hit the big 20's.
Skipping all the dirty details (sorry), let's just say there was a lot of partying, a little drinking and then what do you know, one night I suddenly found myself half naked with a very much naked guy in my bed, telling me to "Relax. It's not going to hurt if you just relax. I honestly don't know what else to say". That was all I needed to hear. My panties were most definitely not coming off that night. Because it really hit me then, I knew exactly what the person I'll lose my virginity to should say; "I love you" (and mean it). I didn't say it out loud, but I told him if he wanted me, I'd have to know he'd stick around for a while, even without the sex. Needless to say, he didn't. And I'm so happy right now that I didn't loose my virginity to this guy.
So I just wanted to say to all you amazing girls out there; there's nothing wrong with you if you haven't had sex by the age of whatever your age is. Instead of wondering if there's something wrong with you, make it a conscious choice not to sleep with just anyone (unless that's what you want, of course. I guess sex really is just sex to some people, but it isn't for me). We accept the love we think we deserve, be it physically or emotionally. So set your standards straight, because you do deserve some fuckhot sexing with someone who will love you not only after dark, but every morning after.
Thank you so much for your perspective; it’s great for my readers who are still virgins. I appreciate your sharing it with us. Give us a little fistbump for female empowerment!
My boyfriend and I are both virgins and have only recently started experimenting with oral sex. (neither of us have given or received until now). Is there still a chance we could contract an STI??
Yes, ma’am, you can absolutely get STIs from unprotected oral. Herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphillis, HPV, and HIV are all transmissible via oral sex. When we use the words “safe sex” in conjunction with oral sex, it means using protection to make sure that none of your partner’s bodily fluids get into your body (or vice versa), or covering parts of the body to avoid direct contact with warts, sores, or herpes (that includes any lesions in your partner’s mouth or throat that you might not even be able to see). What parts of your body are we talking about? The mouth, penis, vagina, and anus--they can all transmit STIs.
Naughty Nurse Kimpy recommends that you use protection for ANY kind of sex you might be having--oral, vaginal, or anal--unless you’ve both been tested, you’re both clean, and you’re monogamous/exclusive. That’s a big “if” there, by the way, because it means you’re trusting your partner not to have any kind of unprotected sex with anyone else; keep that in mind as you decide whether or not to use protection.
How do you make oral sex safer? Use condoms and dental dams, but don’t forget that the only way to be 100% safe is to not have sex at all.
I can't find my girl's clitoris. Is there a magic way of finding it?
1. Obtain compass.
2. Head south.
3. Look at the top of your girl’s labia, the apex.
4. Behold, THE CLITORIS.
Okay, that *might* be a tad simplified, but I can assure you, that’s where you’ll always find the clitoris, even when it’s shy and hiding.
My guess is that your girl either has a small clitoris or not much of a clitoral hood. Sometimes, all it takes is some good old stimulation to make it peek out from its hiding place. My best advice is to ask your girl to help you out, because she definitely knows where it is. There’s no need to feel embarrassed about asking, either--trust me, she has a vested interest in your knowing where to find her clit. In fact, she’ll probably be happy to give you a guided tour, because then she’ll be assured that you know her most important topography. *nudge-nudge, wink-wink*
I have been brought up in quite a religious family, my parents never forced their beliefs on me, but I always got the impression that they believed I would wait until sex to have marriage. I lost my virginity at 18, and it was good, not spectacular, but still enjoyable. I'm now 22 and single, and thinking of marriage, and all of a sudden this guilty feeling hits me - that i should've waited, will my future husband mind that i'm not a virgin? I feel like i've betrayed my religious upbringing, and i don't want to regret what i thought was a special moment and experience for me. I' m not sure if it was the religious or cultural environment i was brought up in, and I'm not sure how to face this feeling!
Kimpy - Since Naughty Nurse Kimpy is a woman of science, she’s not really the best source for advice on sexuality and religious beliefs. She turned this question over to Jess, who is the PPSS’ resident expert on this topic. Trust me, your question is in very good hands.
Jess - I'd like to start off this response with a little bit on my assumptions and maybe a personal statement. Based on your question, it's not fully clear what your religious beliefs are, but I'm assuming it's some kind of Christianity, as this is a very common Biblical teaching. I will be answering this from my own perspective, as a Christian, and having struggled with some of your same feelings.
I'd like to applaud you for having the courage to raise this question. This is an area I believe MANY women (and men, to a lesser degree) who have grown up in Christian homes or under a religion that promotes abstinence struggle with how to balance the need/desire to explore their sexuality and what they have been taught. I believe the Church (in the larger context) has done a terrible disservice to our youth by laying down very black and white proclamations and closing the door to healthy, necessary discussions on sexuality.
Let me be absolutely clear, sex is a good thing. The Bible is very clear on that point. In fact, there is an entire book, Song of Solomon, dedicated to a husband praising, worship, and longing for his wife. The writer extols the virtues of his wife's body, talks of how amazing it is to be with her, love her, and have sex with her. So, I want everyone to walk away from this knowing that God views sex as a good thing.
So... you now find yourself, like many, many woman (and men) struggling to deal with your own past sexual experiences. I will speak personally for a second. My husband and I were both “virgins” when we got married. I use that term loosely, because we had done pretty much everything up to that point except for the actual deed. We knew the “boundaries” that had been placed on us by the church/our faith/ourselves/our families... you name it, it was there. As a married couple, we struggled for at least a good four or five years to let go of the guilt and weight of our sexual pasts. Part of our healing journey was in realizing that God wasn’t trying to punish us or prevent us from having good, healthy, awesome sex because of things we had done in the past. I would encourage you, as you continue to work through your own thoughts and feelings, to first give yourself some grace. God certainly already has. Secondly, seek counsel from people you trust. Perhaps your parents or a woman in your church whom you trust.
In my own journey, I found two resources that really helped me process through some of my feelings. Real Sex for Real Women by Dr. Laura Berman helped me process through and find language for many of the things I was feeling. I wish I could articulate what this book did for me at the time, but I simply don’t have the words. This book has continued to help along the way.
The second resource, a Christian sex-based website called Christian Nymphos, was recommended to me by my pastor’s wife after I expressed some of my concerns... and also raised questions about positions, boundaries, and all sorts of other things. When she first told me the name, I’m not gonna lie, I cackled. But after exploring it, I have really come to love this site.
Run by six Christian women of varying denominations (conservative-charismatic), they desire to help engage with women in healthy, Godly dialogue about sex and marriage. Here is their mission:
The mission of Christian Nymphos is to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands, so they will be able to reach out and help free the women in their lives.
This website has tons of great articles, FAQs, techniques pages, etc. I could spend days on this site (and have) devouring the information like a thirsty woman in the desert.
I hope as you continue your journey through singlehood and ultimately to marriage, that you find peace with your past.
With respect to your future husband - someone who loves you enough to be bound to you for eternity will love all of you, even your past. I’d encourage you to be open and honest about your past and for him to do the same. Everyone has baggage, and these people are not loved any less by God.
Will there be rough patches? Absolutely, but take comfort in this: God wants married couples to have happy, healthy, spicy sex lives free of burden and guilt, and your future husband will too.
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