Monday, October 17, 2011

Team Angst: Echoes of Love by Pavarti


Team Angst is a constantly changing team, depending on who can handle the angst levels of the Team Angst pick. Only the bravest (or craziest) Pervs tackle the tears and pain to bring you the best angst and heartfail that fan fic has to offer. Non-canon pairings? No problem. Cheating and Break-ups? No sweat. Character death? Bring it! It’s all in a days work for Team Angst. So if you think you’re tough enough put on your big girl pants, take a seat and join us for the Team Angst Pick.

The Team Angst Pick is...

Title: Echoes of Love
Author: Pavarti
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,534
Reviews: 132
Summary: J/B The Morning After...AH

Jess - It has taken a long time for me to find a special place in my heart for Jacob. It’s not that I didn’t like him in Twilight. I did. In fact, he was actually the perfect opposite to Edward and with that comes lots of really warm, special characteristics. With that said, however, I still find myself shying away from most Bella/Jacob stories. There’s really no good reason for it, so, when Jen mentioned this story, I decided it was time to give something new a try. I’m so glad I did.

Echoes of Love is uniquely written, in that it’s in second person present tense. I can’t say I’ve read many, and this perspective made me feel like I was deeply inside Bella’s mind. It was like I was with her as she was walking around living through the very sad and messed up situation in which she finds herself.

To be honest, it’s hard to say a lot about this story without giving it away. In short, Bella lives with one man (someone whom we’ll leave unnamed at this point, because I was somewhat shocked when it finally came out. I liked that about it.) and is having an affair with Jacob. It sounds simple right? Except it’s not, because there is A LOT of history between Bella and Jacob... and from chapter one, you will be DYING to know what it is.

I won’t comment on whether Edward is or is not and what role he may or may not play in this story, but suffice it to say, it will leave you questioning and wondering how our pasts can really shape and define who we are and how we behave.

I mentioned above how intense it was being in Bella’s mind. Here’s just a little excerpt to give you a taste:

I breathe you in, the smell in your small room filled with last night's passion. I know as surely as my heart beats that I should go, but I don't know if I can take it. How then do I expect this to end? I don't know if I can mask my feelings enough from you...from him...from myself.

Here you are, open and alive, the past forgotten or washed away with the landslide of time and I am sliced in half. I should tell you all of the things I have done since we last spoke. I should tell you of the life I've led, but when you asked last night, I merely smiled and told you truths that did not convey the whole story. I never lied to you. I never will.

Always there was a shadow across my heart that was shaped like you. Always there was a voice in the back of my mind calling to me that sounded like you.

This first look comes right at the beginning of chapter one and immediately sets the tone for how this story will go. You can hear and feel the anguish in her thoughts as she struggles with whatever heavy burden she bears. It’s heart breaking to watch Bella navigate through some very self-deprecating thoughts. Over and over we hear her refer to her just having to live with her choices, to bear the consequences of some event that literally has defined her entire life and the nature of every relationship she has. The full story is just now beginning to come out, and it’s truly heartbreaking.

Things between Jacob and Bella - I’m not even gonna lie - are straight up hot and intense. Their little trysts - really they’re more than that, but for simplicity I’m going with it - occur when she is teaching week long classes in Seattle (she lives in LA). I love how tender and sweet, despite the situation in which they find themselves, they can be with each other.

I remove my bra as you watch. The first time I came here our passion was desperate and frantic. My clothes had been scattered all over your room and our moment had been stolen. We hadn't spoken about love or what any of this meant in the silent hours we had together. When it was over, my heart grew cold and I couldn't bear another moment of my disgrace.

Tonight, though, I remember loving you; I remember feeling alive. As I unbutton my jeans, I open my heart to you and while it hurts me to share the depth of my confusion, I reach out to you. Your lips kiss the girl I wish I was. I wind my arms under your arms and up your back. Slowly you kiss me, your tongue dancing with mine to the rhythm of a song unsung.

I have convinced myself that I'll never find real love, but locked in my heart is a hope that rips me apart and breaks me down. We walk to the bed, the perfectly made bed with hospital corners and taunt sheets. You lower me down, hovering over my body. You lean on one arm and allow your hand to roam over my body. Slowly you graze your fingers over my skin while your kisses make promises you can never keep.

I sink back into the pillows, watching your face as you look over my body. Your eyes leave waves of heat on my skin, bringing my temperature to a boil. Your fingers linger on my hip before your hand relaxes against my skin. The feeling of your palm flat against my stomach makes me quiver. My jeans are still on and I move myself up higher on the bed, wishing your hand would move lower.

Instead you bring your face down to mine and you kiss me softly. The sweetness of the moment makes me swell and rise to you. I pull on your body to bring my skin to yours. Your chest against my breasts is warm. Pulling you down with me I try to bring you against my body.

I love this, because it really shows the depth of emotion and love between these two. There is SO much going on, so much history and time apart and terrible life choices that have brought them to this point, but even through all that, there is still the deep, all-consuming love.

At the same time, however, that same love is needy, intense, and demanding. There are many times where it feels like they are devouring each other - the language choices and the way the scenes are constructed go a long way giving it this feel, and it’s really phenomenal. This next scene takes place on one of their dates. They’ve been out with Bella’s coworkers and had to remain a respectable distance from each other. Let the frantic neediness ensue.

No matter what may be waiting for me at home or what the consequences are, I don't want this to end...

"Bells," you smile against my lips, "we're still on the street."

My smile is one I never knew I was capable of and I take your hand and pull you into the alley next to the restaurant. It is narrow and dark, the moonlight not reaching between the buildings. I can't see you but I still have your hand in mine. I walk until I reach the loading door of the building, the metal gate is down and as I lean against it I can feel the sharp edges dig into my flesh.

This is the punishment I deserve.

If you could see my face you'd know how I wanted you. Instead I pull you roughly against me, the grime of the metal staining my clothes as your erection grinds against me. Having your lips on me is a high I pray will never end. We kiss as I claw at you, you push against me hard, controlling what I can and cannot touch of you. Your lips move from mine to my neck making me sigh.

One thing you’ll probably note in the previous two excerpts is the darkness to Bella’s thoughts - how she doesn’t feel like she deserves him, how she made her bed now she needs to lie in it, how things with Jacob can never be more than what they are. I found myself wanting to scream at her and say “YES THEY CAN!” but of course, things are never that easy, especially when you’re dealing with past hurt and the heart. We women often, and Bella, specifically in this case, have made a profession of believing we aren’t good enough and that we are limited in our choices. I long for Bella to finally open her eyes and wake up to see that she DOES have choices, that she can choose Jacob if she wants to, that she’s NOT stuck or forced to live this miserable half life.

This story is about past regrets, trying to live in the present when hurt and grief are your constant companions, and figuring out how to make a new life when so much damage has been done. As Jacob said early on: “I only have so many one more chances in me.” We are at the part in the story where my heart has literally been ripped out of my chest, stomped into the ground, and then kicked again for good measure. The pain Bella dished out... she’s getting back in spades, and it is absolutely excruciating. Three men are competing for Bella’s heart, and as of right now, no one is winning - least of all Bella.

Echoes of Love captured me from the first chapter and had me riveted through to what is currently posted. If you want a bit of mystery, can handle some heart-smashing angst, then DEFINITELY give this story a go. Make sure you leave Pavarti a little love. Tell her the Pervs sent you!

Jen - The summary for Echoes of Love may be short and simple, however, the story is anything but. It begins with a one-night-stand of sorts, between a Bella and Jake who have a long and complicated history. Pavarti writes a story that is full of both the most cutting angst and supremely erotic moments.

What can I say about this story? This is not a sweet love story. Parts of this story are incredibly raw and downright ugly. Some readers may find it unpalatable. In fic-land we tend to believe there’s always some way to salvage true love--but I’m not so sure that Jake and Bella can be together without destroying one another. Their love seems to walk a very fine line between love and hate, or at least deep hurt and anger that looks a lot like hate.

Bella is hardly a likable character. We still don’t know her whole story, but I find myself wanting to yell at her for her role in the wreckage that is her life. Her pain is visceral, but as much as Pavarti makes me feel her hurt, I don’t feel sad for her. She’s constantly berating herself for ruining the lives of several men who have loved her, and believing that she doesn’t deserve happiness or love. I keep wanting to shout at her that it didn’t have to be this way, that she could have had what she dreams of with Jake.

I don’t think Bella’s necessarily acting selfishly; there’s something in her past that has irrevocably damaged her. She seems to have an inability to make decisions, and her actions cause repeated pain to the men who love her. The whole story is BPOV, but we see very clearly how much Bella’s actions have hurt Jake. He’s been seemingly willing to take whatever she can give him, but she may have waited too long to take the steps to be with him permanently.

No matter how you may feel about Bella, the sexual chemistry she and Jake have is undeniable. It’s frantic, intense, raw sex. Their bodies communicate with ease; It’s when they try to communicate with words that things fall apart.

The lemons are utterly sexy, yet there’s a dangerous edge to them.

You come at me then with no pretense. Your hands are hard and fast as you lift me up against the gate. I use my hands to grab onto the grating and lift myself higher. You pull my underwear to the side and without pause slam up into me hard.

The pain of you is so perfect. I am split in two and made whole again in one swift movement. I feel myself shaking, so close to cumming already. You are breathing deeply, your eyes closed and I know that you are holding on to the moment. Slowly, I lift myself with my arms and lean back, pulling on you with the muscles deep inside of me.

I squeeze you, pulling you deeper inside of me with the strength of my need. Your eyes open and you gaze deeply inside of me. Your soul reaches out to mine and drags me out of the shadow of my misery by my heart.

I feel my own release building as I clutch at you, your hands kneading my ass, moving me on your cock slowly.

"I want you to feel me when you go home tomorrow," you growl as you pull out of me, your strong arms holding me in place before you slam up into me with such force the gate behind me rattles in its hold. I scream out as I feel the beginnings of my love for you overflow.

"I want you to feel me when you walk."

You pound into me, your speed increasing, I hold onto the grating and feel the metal ripping into the back of my arms and shoulders. The pain so sweet against the bliss of your body. My body convulses around you, pulling us higher and higher.

"Tell me you need me," you demand, your eyes boring into me.

"I need you," I pant.

"You want me."

"I want you, fuck!" I scream, I need you to touch me, lick at me, suck me. I need you on my lips, my breasts, my clit, my cunt. I need you and I have you.

"You love me."

"I love you Jake, fuck, I love you."

You bend your knees and lift one of my legs higher, pushing me against the gate roughly you hold my body with one hand and grab the gate above my head. I am pinned between you and the gate and you use your body to slam into me again and again. The metal shakes and bucks from your pounding and my screams reach out into the night, making promises I don't know if I can ever keep.

You fuck me and our pain melts away, you fuck me with heat and fire, need and passion and it is the most loved I have ever felt.

How did they get to this point? How do two people who love each other like they say they do end up hurting each other deeply, again and again? Is there any way that they can find happiness together? These are the questions that will keep you reading Echoes of Love.


Pavarti said...

Omg this is the best review ever! You really get echoes, that means everything to me.