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Title: Disc Jockeys
Word Count: 127,882
Summary: AU, AH, spoof of the film Empire Records. A day in the life of Velvet Records as the gang battles shoplifters and threats of corporate buyouts, and torments the customers. Oh yes, and romance. Canon pairings apply; E/B focus. Meyer/Heikkinen own all
Stefanni - Let me start by telling you up front that I am not a writer, at all, but I read A LOT. That being said, I have so much respect for the people out there who not only can write, but share their work with the rest of us.
When I read that Trin’s Winter Wish was for a Twilight/Empire Records crossover, I immediately thought of Disc Jockeys by casket4mytears. It might not be exactly what she asked for, as far as character assignments, but its close.
Disc Jockeys is one of the funniest stories that I have ever read. casket4mytears does an incredible job of injecting the usual cast of characters into the world of “Empire Records,” the movie that made me want to work in a record store the first time I saw it. She also adds a dash of “Clerks” and “Clerks 2,” so what’s not to love about this fic?
I love the fact that the even though the female character assignments are pretty straight forward: Bella as Corey, Alice as Deb, Rosalie as Gina, and Esme as Jane. The male characters are more of a blend of characters: Edward as Lucas and AJ, Jasper as Berko, AJ, and Randal from “Clerks”, Emmett as Mark with a little bit of AJ, Jacob as Warren, and Carlisle as Joe and Dante, also from “Clerks.”
By the way, an Edward/Lucas hybrid is my definition of the perfect man.
The story starts with Edward closing up at Velvet Records. He finds out that his friends’ beloved place of employment is in danger of becoming another Virgin Megastore thanks to “that son of a bitch James, the bastard owner who wouldn't know good music if it bitch slapped him.” This forces Edward to do what any rational, level-headed employee would do. He steals the nightly deposit and heads for a casino to win enough money to save Velvet Records. He, of course, fails. Now he has to tell Carlisle what he’s done on top of telling Bella that he loves her by 1:37 exactly.
Emmett is trying to figure out if Rosalie’s feelings toward him are as strong as his are for her, and after smoking joint on the roof, how he got on TV with Gwar. Rosalie has her own demons to work on, namely her mother and an ex-boyfriend’s actions, while she teases Emmett. Jasper wants to find a name for the kitten he found (he votes for Annoying Customer or AC for short) and wants to know what happened to Alice. Alice has been distancing herself from the others for a few weeks now. Bella is trying not to trip on her own two feet, and seduce away her virginity to her celebrity crush, who just happens to be coming into Velvet that day, all while dealing with an addiction to speed. Jacob tries to shoplift some, in Edward’s opinion, poor-tasting CDs and comes back to the store shooting a gun, all because he wants a job. Just don’t call him an apple (this is offensive to Native Americans, even if Emmett says he’s “taking
Apple is so not a slur!" Emmett protested, "Squaw, papoose, buck, redskin, nitchee, gin - those are slurs against Native Americans. Apple is not. Apple is the retarded name for a singing British wanker's child with an untalented actress.
I was outright laughing at all the ridiculous names Jasper picks out for his no name cat that he wants to call Annoying Customer. (That one gets my vote too!) Actually, there were several times that I would be laughing so loudly, that the people around me started looking at me like I was nuts.
In perhaps the most ingenious casting ever, the role of Rex Manning- the aging, has-been of a pop star, goes to none other than Rick Astley.
After being “Rick Rolled” as many times as I have, it gave me a sick sort of a thrill to see someone poking fun at him, even fictionally. casket4mytears must have some love for him though. The kinky Brit is one of the only characters getting any in the first 20 or so chapters.
She found herself bent over the storage room table, her skirt hiked to her waist, black silk panties stuffed into her mouth. She could see nothing, her eyes blindfolded in a rather ingenious way with her black bra, which she'd deftly removed without budging her blouse. Behind her stood Rick, whom she'd last seen dressed only in black Calvin Klein boxer briefs, his throbbing member twitching against the smooth cotton, begging for release. She'd knelt before him, never breaking eye contact as she'd slowly enveloped the head of his shaft through the underwear, one of her favorite ways to tease men. Blowing softly, her hot breath seeped through the woven cotton, eliciting a groan of excitement from Rick's soft pale lips.
However, poor Carlisle has it the worst. He simultaneously tries to fix the problems of all his employees, find nine thousand dollars to replace what the deposit Edward lost, keep James from finding out about said deposit, keep Rick happy, and deal with the hipsters in cheap white fedoras.
Bloody hipsters. Only one step above the Britney Spears crowd.
Sheep, the lot of them
All this, and he’s “not even supposed to be here today.” I giggle every time he mutters this to
himself. He does, however, find some help in the form of Rick’s lovely assistant, Esme. So many fics have Carlisle and Esme married, so it’s refreshing to read one they have just met and are dating.
The hilarity just doesn’t stop. The dialog is intelligent and witty. The characters aren’t just two-
dimensional parodies, but feel more like real people with some real issues. They are, of course, resolved in hilarious ways.
Edward and Bella finally get together (come on, we all knew it would happen) and the result is a very sweet, very tender, Erotic thrill.
Edward never let go of her hand, holding it tightly as he plunged deep inside her, again and again, his eyes rolling back into his head, his bronze hair messy and damp, his mouth
a silent gasp that echoed the overwhelming sensations coursing through Bella, so strong she
was sure she'd faint, sure she couldn't handle so much joy, so much… love, not all at once.
A tear slid down her cheek and she sighed happily, utterly spent, utterly in love.
casket4mytears is almost lyrical in the way she describes their union, but goes right back to the funny soon after.
Bella giggled, "Is this feeling where that whole 'screwed your brains out'
"Harvard will not be pleased. I'd better screw them back in," Edward joked.
In the end, all the conflicts are resolved just like they would be in real life, with one hellacious street party to save Velvet Records from “The Man.”
The humor and wittiness alone would be enough to recommend this story, however the music that the author mentions throughout is equally as fabulous. You can tell that casket4mytears is incredibly knowledgeable of music from the way her characters discuss it. I highly recommend looking into some of the artists and songs she mentions, or check out her blog, Open Til Midnight: Musings of A Music-Obsessed Mind. I found a new appreciation for several new bands after reading this fic.
I have to recommend Disc Jockeys to anyone looking for something a little lighter and full of laughs without being too campy. It’s perfect.
Trin - In the words of Edward (Lucas in Empire Records) "The time to hesitate is through," and you should all read Disc Jockeys because it is such a sweet and funny story.
Last winter we all made some Winter Wishes and I instantly knew what I wanted... a Twilight/Empire Records crossover. Well I couldn't believe it when Stefanni sent an email letting us know this already existed. As I read this complete (YES, I said COMPLETE) story I was so excited that it still held that magic Empire Records held for me over 15 years ago as I watched the movie nearly constantly over the summer of my freshman year of high school.
The Twi characters are a little differently cast then what I had originally imagined, but casket4mytears creates such a perfect hybrid of Edward/Lucas/A.J. that I can't imagine I had never thought of it that way. We keep the sincerity we are used to from Edward, the intensity and passion of A.J. And the quirkiness of Lucas. As Stefanni said the rest of the characters are pretty straightforward.
After a misguided attempt of gambling the daily sales away on a game of craps to save Velvet Records from being turned into a Virgin Megastore Edward puts in motion a series of events that help the employees find themselves and true love. I nearly busted a gut laughing when I learned that Rex Manning was now Rick Astley!!!! Happy Rick Astley Day. How perfect is that? Bella has a school girl crush on Rick and has decided that she wants to give him her virginity since he's visiting the store.
Bella nodded, twirling a strand of her flowing wavy locks about her finger absently, "It's a go. Today..." Bella paused, reaching down between her feet and bringing up her album, "Today, I will offer myself to Rick Astley."
"All right! Trust me, Bella, it's so much easier losing your virginity when there's no danger of wrecking a relationship."
Bella's mind drifted away from Rosalie's slightly grating voice, lost in the dreamy eyes of the man who'd sung her to sleep each night in junior high, lifting the record to plant a kiss on the cover, "I love you..."
Rosalie suddenly snatched the cover away, ignoring Bella's protests as she licked the cover, "No Bella, kiss him like you mean it. Like this!"
Bella burst out laughing, snatching at the LP, "Hey! Cut it out! Get your tongue off my record!"
Alice had been her best friend from grade school forward, sharing every secret, every life event... at least, until three months ago. Alice had suddenly withdrawn, refusing to talk to anyone, refusing to take phone calls or visits at her house. Even Jasper was finding it hard to reach her, and Bella knew in her heart that he was Alice's soul mate. Complicating matters was the fact they all worked together at Velvet, creating friction during shifts that Carlisle noticed, although he was too polite to blatantly call the staff on it. Bella had spoken with Carlisle privately about the change in Alice, with him concerned that perhaps she needed serious help with something she felt she couldn't share with her friends - no, her family, for friendship was too weak of a term. But Bella had hesitated, remembering vague comments Alice had made about her mother's temper. Aggravating the situation was the vicious loathing Alice and Rosalie held for each other, which Bella feared was feeding into Alice's cold shoulder treatment.
Of course as much as we love to see all the relationships blossom watching Edward and Bella admit to one another is the most rewarding. They are both so clueless and adorable and sincere in their feelings that it gives you one of those sappy grins. And well...they are pretty damn HOT too.
Edward bent forward, his face buried between her thighs, his tongue rolling over the swelling between her labia, her body jolting as a wave of intense pleasure slammed through her limbs, leaving her breathless with anticipation. Her hand reached down towards him, fingers tangling in his hair as he continued to lick and gently suck, the wetness becoming a flood as her body tightened, her mind overloading with his every touch. Her eyes closed, rolling back into her head as she concentrated on the feel of him: the tiniest bumps along his tongue, his smooth lips, the heat of his breath against her thigh. His weight shifted, his mouth abandoning her, and Bella forced her eyes open, witnessing as his now naked and engorged shaft was swiftly enveloped in the sheath of latex, Edward's hand slipping between her thighs, two long fingers slipping easily into her wetness, her body shuddering at the intense wave of pleasure triggered within. He moved over her, leaning forward to press his lips to her forehead, his eyes warm as his fingers withdrew, his other hand finding hers and interlacing his fingers with her own. Bella nodded slightly, encouraging him. I'm ready for this. It's okay.
This story is just so much fun and lovely that it really was a wish come true to read.
Disc Jockeys straight through, uninterrupted. Mind you, if my children and husband had been around, I would have ignored them just so I could finish reading this gem of a story--way too much fun to have to stop reading for pesky things like meals and such. I am forever thankful for Stefanni for turning us on to this story.
casket4mytears does such a great job creating the atmosphere of this fic. You can totally see the store in your mind. While Edward and Bella are the main pairing, it’s truly an ensemble fic, with all of the canon couples getting their stories told. I absolutely fell in love with each and every one of them, though I think fell especially hard for this Carlisle. He’s like everyone’s super fun, favorite almost uncle, though he can be authoritative when he needs to be.
Edward and Bella are earnest, yet clueless, close friends who are actually in love with one another. They’re both so self-effacing that neither one imagines it possible that the other one is attracted to them in that way.
To his surprise, he felt Bella's hands roving down his back and slipping into the back pockets of his jeans, grabbing his ass and pulling him against her, which he took as an invitation to explore her curves. His left hand worked its way between them, cupping her breast gently, her soft moan sending a shudder through his body. The kissing grew more fiery as he continued to caress and lightly squeeze her breast, Bella's hands now finding their way into his hair, pressing him against her until he struggled away, laughing and gasping for air.
"Bella, you'll be the death of me!"
Bella pouted, "Well, fine then. I can't help it if you make me want you. If you don't want me to kiss you-"
"Don't you even dare suggest it," Edward growled, scooping her up and cradling her against his chest as she laughed, burying her face against his neck.
They’re just too adorable for words, but they’re definitely hot when they get into bed together.
This fic is kinda like life: funny, angsty, messy and complicated; full of mystery, love, and loyalty. It’s all of those things without being contrived or feeling like it’s more than one story all smooshed together. It absolutely deserves to have way more than 135 reviews. Go give Disc Jockeys a read and leave
casket4mytears some love.