Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!

The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

Naughty Nurse Kimpy will never claim she is perfect, and when she makes a mistake, you can bet she will correct herself. One kind reader brought one such error to my attention about hormone-containing IUDs:

Hi, NNK! I so enjoy reading your posts, and as a physician working in a campus health center, I've been consistently impressed by your spot-on advice. I do need to offer a clarification on your recent post regarding iuds and clots. The hormone-containing IUD (Mirena by brand name) does not actually increase your risk of clots, since it contains only progesterone hormone. Its the estrogen component of the Pill ("combined oral contraceptive" or COC) that increases clot risks. So your writer could actually be an excellent candidate for several hormonal methods of birth control , including the Shot, the Minipill, and the Mirena IUD!
EEEP! As much as she hates making mistakes, she loves to get accurate information out to her readers. Thank you for pointing out her egregious mistake.

One of the questions Naughty Nurse Kimpy frequently gets is that of vaginal tastes/smells. Readers want to know how to make themselves taste better or smell better. This week's post is devoted to debunking the myth that there is somehow something *wrong* with the way female genitalia smells or tastes. Most women are concerned about how they taste/smell, and that's a total shame. The vagina is an amazing organ, but society tends to emphasize the negative when it comes to the cooter. Without vaginas, there would be no sex and there would be no babies. Throughout history, there have been millions of men who have delivered oral sex to millions of women without experiencing any deleterious effects. So come on, ladies--it's time to give our vags some love!

The vagina has totally taken a bad rap for centuries. It's been touted as dirty--both literally and figuratively, of course--and smelly. Let's just say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the same goes for the vag. If I hear one more comment about cooters smelling like tuna, I will go rageball, just so you're all clear on Naughty Nurse Kimpy's stance on this issue. There are so many myths around about vaginal tastes and smells it's unreal, so let's look at the facts and debunk these ridiculous myths:

1. Every vagina has its own unique taste and smell;

2. An individual's tastes and smells vary over time, so you don't always taste/smell the same (varying hormone levels in your cycle can change vaginal secretion color, smell, and consistency throughout the month);

3. Taste and smell are subjective, so there will be some individuals who think you smell heavenly, and others who do not;

4. Diet can have a small effect on taste and smell. If you eat several cloves of raw garlic, or asparagus, or even coffee, they can find their way down south (please keep in mind that the number of items in your diet that can affect the way you taste are few and far between);

5. If your vaginal secretions change color (e.g., turns greenish), or if it suddenly takes on a foul odor, that is typically a sign of some sort of infection and should be brought to the attention of your doctor.

PSA TO ALL READERS: DO. NOT. DOUCHE!! It messes with the normal vaginal pH balance and might just make matters worse.

In the eternal words of Banky Edwards in Chasing Amy, "Most of the [women] are all self-conscious about the smell factor, and so most of the time, they just lay there, frozen like a deer in headlights."

Girls, it's time to put the myth of the smelly cooter to rest. *Naughty Nurse Kimpy steps down from the podium and puts microphone away*

Ok so I have been having this problem lately with my cooter.
Its fucking wet all the damn time! like I am not even turned on and its like niagra falls down there. Do you have any advice of what's going on?
If the consistency of your wetness has changed--like it went from being mucus-like to being thin and watery--it could mean that you have some type of infection, but it could also be just a regular hormonal change during your cycle. If the consistency is the same, the increased wetness could simply be due to changes in hormone levels. Some women just tend to be wetter than others. Some women can go commando without any problem. Others have to wear a pantishield all the time because they are always so wet. You are probably just one of those women who secrete a lot of fluid. I encourage you to follow up with your gynecologist just to ensure that there is no infection or any other underlying reason for your level of discharge to increase. Otherwise? A pantishield might become your new BFF.

How do I get my vaginal juices tasting good?
I'm not sure what you're basing your opinion on that your vaginal juices don't taste good... I'm assuming perhaps a previous partner may have made a comment? In general, if you eat a healthy diet, drink plenty of water, and gently wash your vagina to keep it clean, your taste should be just fine.

To gently wash your vagina, use a mild kind of soap--Nurse Kimpy suggests that you stay away from brands that are highly fragranced, as these can irritate the sensitive skin in and around your vagina. You can use either your hand or a washcloth to clean yourself. If you opt for a washcloth, be sure to rub it gently over that sensitive skin. No hard scrubbing needs to happen.

Oh, and kick your sexual partner out of your bed if he consistently says you taste bad. Just saying.

I was wondering if it was true what they say about being able to change/enhance the taste of your cum. I heard that if guys eat a lot of pineapple it makes it taste sweeter. Is that true and if so does the same thing work for women?

There is no empirical evidence (i.e., no conclusive scientific research) that eating certain foods will make your juices taste better. There are plenty of old wives' tales, but that's about it. As I said before, eat a healthy diet, drink plenty of water, and keep your vagina clean, and your taste should be just fine. You can, however, play a fun game with your partner to investigate the matter. Think about how much fun that could be--oral sex every night! Woohoo! You could even create a spreadsheet and enter your results. *giggle*

Hi. I hope you haven't answer this already but I have a problem with receiving oral sex.
The thing is… I’ve only ever been with one guy and he was an asshole. He once went down on me for like five seconds and said that I tasted funny, and that was it. He never came near again.
Now… I don’t know if it’s true but I guess it is possible.
Is there a way to know if there’s something weird with the taste/smell of my “juices”?
How can I solve it if there is?

Thank you very much (and I’m really sorry for my lousy English. I’m from Argentina.)

Your English is fine, my dear, but your previous partner is far from it. When you say "he was an asshole," I'm assuming that means he is no longer your boyfriend. If that's the case, I say good riddance. If he is still your partner, then we need to have a talk. The person with whom you are intimate should not have permission to make fun of your body or its responses--it's not like you have any control over these things. That's just common courtesy, whether you happen to be in love, or if you're only messing around. When you allow someone to be intimate with you, you are giving them a gift; as such, they should treat you and your body with respect, even if it is just a casual hook up.

That being said, there are guys who simply cannot stomach going down on their girl. It's important to understand, however, that such a situation has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. It's totally their problem. In fact, one of my favorite illustrations of this concept comes from the movie Chasing Amy. Banky explains why he no longer goes down on women, and it is priceless: Chasing Amy: Banky and Alyssa's Oral Sex Convo.
Now, one other thing that needs to be said here--if your guy expects you to go down on him, but won't return the favor? No fucking way, bb. Reciprocity rules in sex, and if he can take, he can also give. Fair is fair. Just saying.

In Fanfiction it talks about ejaculate tasting good. Is this true? I've heard it tastes like ass! On related note, what about for women?

This is totally a matter of opinion, of course. Every guy tastes a little different. Some women love the taste, others can't stand it. Personally, I'd never say it's nectar of the gods, but some women seem to think it is; to each their own. My own personal rule of thumb is that if you love someone enough to go down on them, you should be able to swallow like a big girl. It's not like you have to sit and gargle with it--just quickly swallow it down, and you're good to go. Again, that's just my opinion, and there are plenty of other people who would disagree with me. The bottom line is that it is your own choice whether or not you want to swallow--don't let someone coerce you into doing something that you don't want to do. Oh, and when I talk about swallowing? I'm assuming that both you and your partner are clean, have been tested, and you've seen each other's results. If not? The only safe oral sex is making sure a barrier is in place, like a condom. There are plenty of STDs you can get from oral, whether your partner is a male or a female. Please keep that in mind.
For women? Same basic principle applies. A guy should be able to tolerate how you taste, even if it isn't his favorite thing in the world.

Obviously there's a musky sex smell that is present "down there" during/after & when we're "ready" for sex. My question is, is it really as strong as fan fic stories make it out to be? Even in all human stories somehow the female's arousal/after sex scent can be smelled from across the room (no vampire sense of smell needed). If I've been getting myself off for a while (ie I can totally smell myself - and it's just the natural scent of me, turned on) & I'm interrupted, or minutes later, someone comes over to my apartment, are they going to smell "sex" and know what I've been doing, or at least that I'm aroused?

Thanks in advance for answering my question!
OK, time for us to play "Fanfiction: Fact or Fiction?" In general, Fanfiction gets a little carried away with the whole sexual arousal smell issue. Admittedly, most animals have a keener sense of smell than do humans. We know that vampires also have a very keen sense of smell, but Stephenie Meyer never really went there with Edward and Bella, so it left a lot of things open ended. One assumes that Edward, with his sharp vampire senses, would have been able to smell when Bella is aroused, in the same way a dog can. Likewise, he would have definitely been able to smell when Bella was having her period. It always annoyed me a little that those issues were completely glossed over, but it's the author's prerogative to include/not include whatever they want in their own story.

In real life, the human sense of smell leaves a lot to be desired when compared to the rest of the animal kingdom. Can you smell yourself when you're aroused? Sure. That's not out of the ordinary, and you are relatively close to the source, after all. If your partner is sitting by you, he/she might be able to tell, too. Can someone who enters the room after you've left smell it? Most likely, no. If you happen to rub sex juices over your sheets when you're done having sex, the smell might linger enough for someone else to catch a whiff. In general, you can safely assume that other people won't be able to smell your arousal, so there is no need to worry about it. And if you are worried about it, just go to the bathroom and clean away the evidence. *wink*

okay, i have no idea how to ask this question right, but i'll try. I've noticed lately that down there, has a different smell, like its more stinky, i guess the word is. What can i do to change that? what can i do to get rid of the smell? thanks for ur advice!

If your smell changes and becomes "stinky," please make an appointment with your gynecologist or general practitioner. It could be that you have an infection brewing, and it is always best to catch it sooner, rather than later. Not all vaginal infections cause burning or itching. Usually, a change in smell, especially when it makes things smell worse, means you could have an infection.

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