Thursday, June 23, 2011

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy


Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!


The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

There's nothing that pleases Naughty Nurse Kimpy more than a happy conclusion to what was once a problem:

I wrote to you a few weeks ago about my husband's "issue" with having an orgasm without ejaculating. When you answered I immediately sent him your response, urging him to read and take note. Suffice it to say, he did. Since then, he has embraced shall we say, his "gift" - one night it happened twice! Now we're both quite happy. Thank you so much for the wisdom you bestow. You're quite helpful and greatly appreciated!

Please thank your husband for listening. I'm so, so delighted that he's embraced his gift. Perspective is everything, especially when it comes to sex.

I've recently--thanks to Twific--discovered just how wonderful the butt secks can be. Needless to say, the hubs is THRILLED. One problem--hemorrhoids. They're mostly just a little irritating, but after a night of anal, it's just awful. Is there an OTC solution (Preparation H doesn't work)?

Oh, dear god, hemorrhoids. Yes, they are not a woman's best friend when it comes to anal sex. While some of you younger women may giggle about this topic, I urge you to pay attention here. A very common side effect of pregnancy is to develop hemorrhoids, so there is a very good chance of having issues with this at some point in your life.

  • Preparation H doesn't work, so what else is there? Naughty Nurse Kimpy happens to have some suggestions for you:
  • Get some Tucks medicated pads, or the generic equivalent. Many of these brands are septic safe and flushable, making them more convenient to use. I suggest using them both before AND after anal sex. You can use these up to 6x/day, and I recommend that you do try using it that frequently. They can really help a lot.
  • Use a cryotherapy device to reduce inflammation on contact.
  • Try an extra strength anti-itch cream, such as Tronolane (Naughty Nurse Kimpy swears by this stuff, really. It is win).
  • While condoms are great for certain aspects of anal sex, such as making the mess easier to clean up, the latex in condoms can also be irritating to the very sensitive skin tissues surrounding the anal area. If you are in a monogamous relationship and neither one of you have a sexually transmitted infection, you might want to try it once without condoms, to see if it makes a difference for you.
  • Make sure you are using enough lube to decrease friction to that area as much as possible. Anything you can do to guard against additional skin irritation there will help reduce the amount of inflammation afterwards. Inflammation is the key element of increasing itching and anal discomfort.

If none of these options seems to do the trick for you, let me know, and I'll do some more research to get better options for you.

When I was drunk one night I brought home a guy I'd been lusting and flirting with for months, but when we started having sex I could hardly feel a thing. He was a GOOD size and my previous b/f was tiny (often cuming early), so I tried squeezing my inner muscles but still couldn't feel much. I asked him "can you feel anything?" and he grunted "nope" before rolling off me to just lay on his back. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I'd given birth three years previously, but had never had any problems "downstairs."

I went to my doctor that week for a pap smear, asking him about it (good timing since he was down there anyway), but he looked up at me like he'd never heard of such a thing happening. He had no answer, and I've never asked anyone else, too mortified.

This has never happened to me since, but I'm always worried when I sleep with someone new that it will. Please tell me there's a reason this happened?

Hmm... there are two issues at play here, as I see the problem:

1. You had a subpar sexual encounter that has left you totally confused, and has also confounded your medical expert; and

2. Your brain is in jeopardy of working against you because of #1.

To answer your first question, I honed in on a very important comment--you were drunk before this confusing sex took place. We've all heard of whiskey wienie, where a guy is too drunk to get it up. I believe you had the female equivalent of whiskey weinie, or what Naughty Nurse Kimpy calls "vodka vag." Per your own data, this had never been a problem for you previously. It seems like the only variation in your sex was that you were drunk. Therefore, I conclude that you had a significant bout of vodka vag.

My word of advice to you is to limit your liquor intake the next time you have sex, and I imagine that you will be just fine. It sucks to have had such an embarrassing experience, but try to reassure yourself that it only happened once. Look at the issue in context with the rest of your sexual life; don't let your anxious brain talk you into believing that this is going to be a regular occurrence for you. If it does continue to be a problem for you, however, get back to me, and we can attempt to troubleshoot what's going on. Please hang in there, and be easy on yourself.

Do women really get so turned on that they drip down their thighs? Because I don't ever get that wet, and I think it's safe to say I've been turned on... :)

You'd be surprised, to be honest. Just as in everything, there is an enormous range of normal in human sexual responsiveness. To answer your question, yes, some women get so turned on as to drip down their thighs. That certainly isn't the norm, but there are women who do have that kind of experience. There are also women who barely get wet at all, having to rely upon lube to help get them where they need to be. In between those two extremes is where most everyone else falls.

That being said, I will note that the extremes tend to be a tad too overplayed in FFn. Guys who can have 5 orgasms in one night, women who come from vaginal sex alone, and men who pop an instant woody every time they see their girlfriend are not the norm. It's best not to expect these kinds of things when you hook up with someone new. Just saying.

WTF can a girl do about swollen, sensitive, pre-period boobs!? Because for about 2 or 3 days before my cycle starts, my breasts get unbelievably sore, and its quite annoying.
Are there any home remedies that work? Does birth control help this symptom? (I am not currently on the pill or any other form of BC).

Oh, dear, the pre-period boobs. I share your pain, both literally and figuratively. Nurse Kimpy totally agrees with you about what an annoyance and pain in the ass the sore boobs are. There are a few things that can make your breasts more sensitive/tender/painful in general. Caffeine consumption can most definitely exacerbate your symptoms. Most women who cut down on the caffeine notice a marked improvement in breast pain/tenderness during any time of their cycle. If you suffer from fibrocystic breasts, that can also contribute to general discomfort and pain.

While it might seem like birth control pills would make breasts be less tender, actually the opposite is true. Many women who start using the pill notice an increase in breast tenderness during the first 3 months of use. After that point, it gets better for most users, but it is still always a possible side effect.

Naughty Nurse Kimpy's recommendation?

1. If you drink caffeine, try cutting it out of your diet altogether.

2. Try wearing a sports bra on the days you experience the most discomfort, so you will get extra support and compression.

3. Talk to your gynecologist about the problem, especially if you try #s 1 and 2 and receive no relief.

My problem is with my periods. I haven't seen them since February. I had my final exams in March and I was stressed big time. Like overly stressed so that it affected my sleeping and appetite and general mood. Now I'm studying for entrance exams to university and at the moment I don't feel stressed but I think I still am.

Now I know you'll probably advise me to see a doctor and that's what I plan to do when I'm done with my exams and all the stress factors are gone. I know stress can mess the round, but my question is that is it really possible that the periods are away for several months just because of the stress? (And pregnancy isn't a possibilty, I'm a virgin).

The mind is a very tricky dog, especially when it comes to stress. The physical effects of stress are widespread, and it is notorious for screwing with a woman's cycle. So, is it possible that you missed your period several months in a row because of stress? Absolutely. Trust me--even if you don't feel like you are stressed, your mind and body are usually in sync, and they know when you are truly stressed out. Are there other explanations for why your period deciding to play hide and seek? Possibly. Aside from stress, a decreased amount of body fat can start to mess with your cycle, too. I encourage you to follow up with your gynecologist or family practice physician to weed out any other possible issues that you might be experiencing. I might be venturing a guess, but I would put money on the fact that your cycle starts to get back to normal once your exams are finished and you are relaxing for the summer.

Do you have a question for Naughty Nurse Kimpy? Click the banner below, fill out the form, and get your answer in the next installment of Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy.



Anonymous said...

Thank you Nurse Kimpy for the vodka vag info! Yeah, I was pretty drunk and didn't mention in my post that when I tried to squeeze my inner muscles they felt locked AWAY from his dick. Your answer is actually the only logical thing I could think of: that I had the opposite of a limp dick. Okay! I'll be watching the amount I drink (not that I'm a huge drinker any more) on nights I'm gonna get lucky with the boyfriend!
Thank you for giving me a solution! It's a relief to know I don't have a defective vag! :D

kimpy0464 said...

Aw, I'm *so* glad this made sense to you and that you found it helpful. Alcohol is a depressant, so it dampens your responses to a lot of different things. Sexual activity is one of those things. :)

Yeah, steer clear of getting toasted and you should be just fine, bb. Glad I could be of help.

Anonymous said...

Hi Kimpy! Quick question, you mention women who have fibrocystic breasts, what exactly is that? Thanks!

kimpy0464 said...

It's a condition where you have lumpy breast tissue, for lack of a better word. It's as if your breasts are filled with loads of nodules. It makes them very tender and sore all the time. If you have the condition, trust me--you'll know.

It's a benign condition, though, so it isn't that you have any underlying problem with your breasts. They're just lumpy and sore. It doesn't make a woman more likely to get breast cancer, for example.

Hope that helps. :)

Anonymous said...

Girl with no preiods just wants to let you know that just a few days after I'd posted my question to you I got a lovely surprise: periods back and just in the right day like always. :) Since then it's been all normal, so I guess just asking it out loud and admitting that I was worried helped my body to realise there's no need to stress and - puff - all back to normal! I thank you for your answer big time :)

kimpy0464 said...

I'm so glad Aunt Flo decided that she'd stayed away long enough. It's amazing to learn the effects our brains can have on the rest of the body. Delighted to know all is right as rain now. Thanks for letting me know.