The Queen of Twitardia algonquinrt and the Queen of Snark Feisty Y. Beden have a little chat. Who am I kidding? Both of these gals are snarky, sarcastic and are guaranteed to make you snicker.
Algie: Okay, this is the Perv Pack, so I HAVE to ask you first: where are the lemons? I don't see them in your fics. Do you have something against Vitamin C?
Feisty: I have many phobias. One is of clowns. Another is of writing lemons. The reasons are two-[slick]-fold[s]: a) I am worried I will get reviews saying: "SEX: YR DOIN IT RONG" and b) I would D-I-E DIE if anyone I knew IRL read them. Because they'd call me up and say, "SEX: YR DOIN IT RONG." Never mind how much I would be barbecued over the fires of hell if my parents found it. Uh. And Cullen Family Players Present has lemons, but they are done parody-style. Maybe I should post a warning with my stories: READING THIS STORY WILL NOT PREVENT SCURVY. PLEASE SEEK VITAMIN C ELSEWHERE.
Algie: Can you see yourself ever writing a real lemon? Like, say, hot Deadward/Deadbella dry humping on a wolf rug?
Feisty: Here's the thing. I did want, at one point, to be a "serious" writer. I took classes in undergrad, a few post-grad. When I'm in "serious" writing mode, as I am for Sleepers, I don't want graphic lemons (they'd disrupt the story's flow, anyway), because for me, it feels like it takes me out of the "fiction/literature" genre and puts me squarely into "Harlequin/smut" genre. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's not what I want to do. I used to read my undergrad's literary magazine, and I'd be like, "LET'S SPOT THE GRATUITOUS PENIS REFERENCE!" There was always a scene where someone was grabbing someone else's cock, and it didn't sound ... pleasant, and wasn't part of the narrative, and it stuck out like a sore erection. Hint for college kids: If you want to get into your college's lit mag, have at least one gratuitous penis reference. 60% of the time, it works ALL THE TIME.
Oh, there are mini-lemons in Fix You, but I don't get too graphic because, yeah. I just ... okay I giggle too much.
Algie: But ZOMG. The UST in Fix You... like he finally gropes her and you are all ded.
Feisty: I enjoy a good boob grope every now and again. Husband: take note.
Algie: Okay, so I finally got to the pivotal scene in Fix You with Alice and Jasper. SO CLASSY. See, I did lemons like that in Suburban Ennui and got some flack. Like...where is the duuuurty, Algie? Do you ever feel that pressure to bring the hardcore smut to get more reviews/readers?
Feisty: I think because I'd cockblocked so much, and Alice had actually said that she might never be okay with the ess-ee-ecks, that the hardcore smut people had stopped reading. Actually, they probably weren't reading to begin with. Which is probably why Fix You has like 300 reviews for 22 (23?) chapters. I realize that if I wrote hardcore smut, I'd be more popular, but I just don't think I could bring it. If you get too anatomically correct, it sounds clinical, and, as you say, there are only so many ways you can say "cock." Also, SEX: IM PROBABLY HAVIN IT RONG. Maybe if I did some ... field research ... first ... you know, all in the name of science and some shizz.
Algie: You don't think serious writing can have graphic scenes of smexy times? I'm thinking that Dean Koontz might disagree... although Madeleine L'Engle might side with you.
Feisty: Oh, serious writing can certainly have graphic scenes of smexy times! Some of my favorite books do (John Irving's A Widow for One Year, Tom Perrotta's Little Children). But they are usually less detailed, I've found, than the lemons I read in fic. It's not like, "He unbuttoned my blouse. Then for ten seconds, he rolled my nipples between his fingers like he was playing the tiniest fiddle in the world. We had stocked up on lube, but it was unnecessary because I was dripping my ladysome juices into my sexy crotchless panties. My ladyjuices were flowing like liquid hot magma. I stroked his throbbing member for exactly thirty seconds before he groaned that he needed to pound into me, but I was like, whoa, I should just call you Vlad the Vagpaler. My hymen, miraculously resurrected, was like a portcullis into my womanly cave. He penetrated me like a Trojan Horse made entirely of penis. He remarked at how wet my pussy was, wetter than Niagra Falls. And then he spurted inside me like Old Faithful, the force of his semen stream rocketing me off of his still-throbbing cock." See, it doesn't work. And also, see, you've already tricked me into writing two mini-lemons-from-hell in this interview. Well played, my friend, well played.
Algie: Tee hee. I'll get you there yet. Bella-Killer needs an HEA epilogue with Deadward. With lots of hot magma and thick ropes of man juice. And OMG. John Irving. Probably the only writer in the world who can make an incest scene hot. It's DEMENTED.
Feisty: There is no jizz outside of our world. In other worlds, it, like, manifests as something else entirely. I'm thinking tiny G.I. Joe figurines shooting out of the afterlife penis, perhaps shouting "PORK CHOP SANDWICHES" as they run out in military formation. Re: John Irving, I think something must have happened to him with an older woman when he was an impressionable kid. One that involved a surprise handjob. Because that pops up in pretty much every John Irving book I've read. UNEXPECTED JOHN IRVING HANDJOB IS ... OKAY KIND OF EXPECTED.
Algie: Yeah, I wonder that myself. Like possibly an older, uh, woman who takes money for deflowering, if you know what I mean.
Feisty: Hm. That would make sense, but also I wonder if he knew a couple of MILFs in his teens, About Last Night style, perhaps. (Speaking of which: did you know About Last Night was based on a freakin' Mamet play? Like, the fuck?)
Algie: There was a screenwriter on NPR a few months back ago who wrote a movie about the Cuban Missile Crisis. It ended up as Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights. NOTHING surprises me about the movie industry. NOTHING.
Feisty: I kind of liked Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights, because it had that hot guy from Y tu mamá también. Oh yeah. That guy is super cute. Let us now have a moment of silence for Patrick Swayze.
Algie: WAIT A SECOND. Which hot guy from Y tu mamá también? I did not see Dirty Dancing 2, and only suffered through Dirty Dancing Part Uno because of my love for Jerry Orbach. (scrambles through IMDB search). Ah... Diego Luna. I'm more of a Gael Garcia Bernal girl myself. I was crushed when he and Natalie Portman didn't work out. (Oh hai I obvs know WAY too much about celebrity gossip)
Feisty: I like the Diego Luna because he has such a baby face. I am a sucker for the baby face. I likes 'em young and underaged-looking, and prettier than I am. Pretteh, pretteh boys. FTR, I saw Dirty Dancing 2: Electric Cubano Boogaloo in a hotel room in Napa on vacation. I was in dire need of a nap, and that's what was on the HBOs. I like using "the" inappropriately, and making things plural for no good reason.
Algie: Uh, I'm fairly certain that's not in your revered MLA Handbook.
Feisty: Yes, yes it is in the MLAs.
Algie: Back to the lemons, what about reading them? Do you like READING the lemons?
Feisty: If you ask LolaShoes, you will know the answer is YES. Her lemons leave me drooling and stupid and babbling about things like "sparklelingus." But it has to be a good lemon. I will admit, I skim over the lemons to get to plot in a lot of stories. I get tired of the same old cliches: dripping core, oh mah gah his cock is so huge, oh look at his dick twitch because I looked at it funny, oh mah gah your semens is like sweet nectar--I wish you'd jerk off repeatedly into one of those rodent water bottle things so I could hang it up by my desk and lap at it all day, and oh come for me, Bella, and simultaneous orgasms 24/7. It just doesn't work that way! Or, again, maybe SEX: IM DOIN IT RONG. I also will admit to being a total grammar snob, and sometimes the lemon-centric stories make my fingers twitch for my red pen of "let me fix that for you."
Hmm, I am thinking about this more, and I think that ALSO, I kind of lie to myself and say I'm reading fanfic because I think it is awesome to be part of a community of such young and undiscovered creativity--honestly, there are so many fics out there that I consider on par or superior to the original work. And then if I read nothing but lemons, I have to admit I'm in it for the smut. I like to think of the good smut as a surprise, a garnish, an after-dinner mint of "oh my, my pants are on fire." I guess it's sort of like having a subscription to Playboy and trying to convince people you get it for the articles.
But lemons I never skip over: LolaShoes, AngstGoddess003 (who is the mistress of the dryhump and the cockblock), adorablecullens, in.a.blue.bathrobe, Mrs.TheKing, and YOU.
Algie: Please. Mine? They are completely demented. But OMG all you have to say is Wide Awake and dry hump and I'm gone.
Feisty: YEAH TOTES. ... Because yours seem real, and they're funny, and they're not all perfect butterflies and angels shooting out of Edward's urethra. Re: AngstGoddess003, I just wanna rub up against her.
Algie: What was your inspiration for Sleepers, Awake (insert German here if you prefer, which I do not)?
Feisty: Now that Sleepers is finished [DO NOT READ AHEAD IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED! THIS MEANS YOU, SPARGELKUN], I can reveal that the main, non-life-experience influences were the films Pan's Labyrinth and Donnie Darko, Gaiman's novel Neverwhere (Islington was a major influence for my James), and Gaiman's Sandman story arc, A Game of You. I was also influenced by the Poulenc opera Dialogues of the Carmelites, and many other stories about love, self-sacrifice, and what I like to call the "sorrow of the mundane." I bet the Germans have a nice long word for that.
This story was also inspired by the conflict I've always felt reconciling the "Christian" idea of what it means to be a "good" person (selfless, giving, turning the other cheek) to our more "me"-centric Western idea of self--especially (although this did not come up in Sleepers) when you are in an abusive or otherwise cruel situation. I know some people were frustrated with Sleepers Bella because she seemed ready to throw everything away, that she saw Edward's life as more valuable than hers, or that she saw Edward's family as being more in need of saving than the people who loved her. But I'm not about that at all. This isn't a woman's empowerment story. It's not about feminism, or gender roles. This is a story about self-sacrifice, and how precious a gift your life can be when death is the thing you fear the most. It's about a girl who is selfless in two ways (much as I think Whedon and his team wanted us to think of Anya in the season 7 episode "Selfless," one of maybe two bright spots in the hot mess that was Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 7): she is selfless in that she will put other's needs before her own, but she's also selfless in that she has no sense of SELF, of who SHE is--she's defined by other people. If I were to apply contemporary analysis to her character, I'd say she's clinically depressed and needs some serious talk therapy and possibly medication, but this story takes place on a different level, on a more, I don't know, allegorical level. It's the reason I was so moved by The Last Temptation of Christ--when Dafoe-sus has that vision of what his life would be if he didn't die on the cross, it makes his sacrifice all the more great. If he's willing to die and just, like, "meh, everyone's got to go sometimes" about it, that's not as moving as going into it knowing everything he's giving up. That he might have this happy life with love and family.
However, I will admit that the main catalyst for writing story comes from my first crush being killed this year. I hadn't seen or talked to him in years, and I was surprised at how devastated I was. When I found out he'd been killed, my first thought after "Oh my god, how horrible for him and his family" was "Now he'll never know who I am." Writing Sleepers has been a way to sort out a lot of those feelings, although I assure you that I am not as nutty as Bella. I hope. (Note to readers about freak experience... in talking about Deadward the Real for this interview, Feisty and I discovered we are like three degrees of separation in real life. Or is it two? SMALL WORLD!)
I think I also wanted to find a way to preserve my experience of crushing on him, our very few interactions together, as a kind of memorial, one of "you may not have known this, but you were loved"--because even if nothing came of the feelings, it was an important part of growing up for me, and an important part of letting my mind and body feel new emotion, as painful as it was both then and now. But if he is reading Sleepers from the Internet Cafe in the Afterworld (because he TOTES IS, SHUT UP), I hope he isn't *facepalming* and *headdesking* and yelling, "WOULD SOMEONE GET THAT POOR, DEMENTED WOMAN TO STFU?" Hmm, now I am beginning to wonder if he had something to do with the fall that broke my leg. HMM.
Algie: If anything, breaking your leg gave you MORE time to write fic. So maybe he likes it. ;)
Feisty: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Algie: I've done the same thing with writing to get stuff out of my head I don't want to deal with. What do you think is more cathartic: writing fic or head-shrinking?
Feisty: I like to think they complement each other. I've done the head-shrinking on this, but it wasn't until I could write out these feelings--some of which had lain dormant for decades--and take my feelings to their extreme conclusion, that I started to understand things about myself. It's taken some of the power out of the headcake, because it's been kneaded through and transformed into something else. I hope something delicious, like a mindfuck baguette.
Algie: Your crackfic, The Cullen Players Present, casts Edward as the lead character in two Keanu Reeves movies. Is this some sort of comment on the acting of Robert Pattinson? What prompted the Keanu/Edward comparison?
Feisty: I dig the RPattz, actually, and have loved him since I first saw him as Cedric--he was so way hotter than the Cedric I imagined in the books, and suddenly I understood far more the TRAGEDY ZOMG of what happens at the end of HP&tGoF. I almost wish he were a girl so I could quote one of my favorite Heathers lines, "Jesus God in heaven, why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?" But back to the original question, my goal is to Cullenize only things that are hilariable. Keanu films are, by default, hilariable. I can't Cullenize something that's meant to be funny. It must be unintentionally hilarious. Also, Keanuward is really fun to write. Speedward was brave but clueless, and Neoward is a bit horny and clueless (not to mention Bo Bice obsessed).
Algie: Can we look forward to, say, The Adventures of Edward and Jasper? Or, say, My Own Private Forks, Washington?
Feisty: OMG My Own Private Forks, Washington ... that may have to happen. I can't wait to write the scene where the old guy makes Riversper dress as the Little Dutch Boy and scrub the john's house clean.
Algie: We can divulge that you are a diva (literally) in real-life, yes? Aside from Deadward (of Sleepers, Awake) attending a conservatory, why haven't you set a story in the world of opera yet?
Feisty: I'm saving my opera dirt for my scandalous memoir, to be published after my singing voice gives out. Oh, I've got stories. And ALSO, how could I do an opera-Twific justice, when there's already "La Canzone della Bella Cigna"? I don't want to be derivative. And also, I would like to save some of my writing mojo, now that I've found it again, for original fiction, maybe. One of these days. I have an opera-related plot bunneh in my head that's been sitting around since about 2002, that maybe one day could be fleshed out into a novella or something.
Questions from the peanut gallery (aka Standard Pack Questions):
Do you have any tattoos?
Feisty: No. I don't want to be barred from Japanese onsen. Onsens are the shit! However, I recently decided if I were to get a tattoo, I think I'd get one in an arch above my ladyparts that said, "Enter to grow in wisdom." Because that shit would be hilarious.
What is your favorite sexual position?
Feisty: Uhhh Crouching Vagina Hidden Dragonpeen?
Favorite ff ever?
Feisty: Ack. This one is too hard. I have so many favorites, but I guess I have to say Wide Awake because it was my first, and it broke me, and it got me writing fiction again after a fourteen-year hiatus. So WA was kind of my sire. HA. Ahem. But! I was on the edge of my seat all through Behind Enemy Lines, Poughkeepsie makes me read with a clenched ass and my hands clapped over my mouth, Tropic of Virgo makes me a puddle of goo, and Mr. Horrible made me laugh out loud more times than any other fic. Oh, and Bright Like the Sun by dryler is totally brills. Also, grendelsmother owns my soul. IMO, she's the most underrated author in the fandom. I even installed a Barcalounger in my uterus for her to chill out in.
Hardest part about writing ff?
Feisty: Worrying that whichever chapter I'm currently writing will cause the story to jump the shark.
Do people in RL know you do it?
Feisty: Only a very few. Very, very few.
If I looked under your bed right now what would I find?
Feisty: Storage bags with my winter clothes in them. Also, that handsome fellow in the drawer under Sarah Michelle Gellar's bed in Cruel Intentions.
For those of you that use 'toys', which is your favorite?
Feisty: I don't plug in and tell.
If they could be in a relationship...would it be the same characters that you'd want to bone, or is there someone else they find more relationship worthy?
Feisty: Hm, are we talking canon or fic? I'd want to bone someone very skilled, because otherwise, what's the point? And for that reason, perhaps ToVward would be the bone of choice. For relationship, I'm gonna go with Priestsper from Poughkeepsie. I watched a lot of The Thorn Birds growing up. He's the perfect blend of hotness, holiness, naughtiness, and I'll-kick-your-assness.
If we're going canon ... uh ... man, canon Edward is uptight. Emmett might be fun for a lay. Carlisle would be super loyal, and a handy person to have around because I am pretty sure my vampire power would be extreme hypochondria.
Do you currently have more than 1 sex partner?
Feisty: Oh my, no. But I have a lot of inappropriate celebrity crushes. INAPPROPRIATE.
Questions from around the fandom:
From NelsonSmandela:
If you were Edward, what would Bella smell like?
Feisty: You already know the answer to this, so I'll just quote back what you said--bacon and Lucky Charms. Or maybe the smell of crushed garlic sauteed in butter. And okay, can I just say how peeved I am that SM said that Bella smells like freesia? That was TOTES WITH GOATS my favorite flower/smell way before I read the Twilight books. And now if I request freesia, everyone's like, OH, you're one of THOSE. Fie, I say, fie.
Who's the most overlooked Twilight character?
Feisty: I pick the Gaysian!
Algie: I call reverse discrimination on picking the Gaysian.
Feisty: But on the inside, I'm all white!
Feisty: Okay I went down [hehehehe] and saw Algie's response and feel I am lamesauce. Hahahaha. I do often feel bad about the Newton. He's always cast as the asshole or the impotent jerk, or, occasionally for variety, as the impotent jerk asshole. Now, canon Mike was kind of a douche. It is true. But I thought movie-Mike was kind of sweet. Trying too hard, but sweet. Maybe one day I'll write a story where Mike Newton is King of the World. Oh wait, that means he'd end up frozen and dead in the Atlantic like a Gorton's fishstick.
You have been hired to operafy a song for E&B's first dance @ wedding. Must encompass relationship. What song?
Feisty: "Like a Virgin," maybe. Or maybe the Carpenters, "We've Only Just Begun." Although I kind of would love to operafy the Love Theme from Karate Kid 2: "We Did It All for the Glory of Love." Can't you just hear it? Can't you? Like a knight in shining armor, from a long time ago-ho!
What's been your favorite review?
Feisty: Hmm. There are many awesome reviews. Spargelkun's are all gems, and I treasure each one. But I have to say, I got this review for Fix You from an unregistered user (now registered as the fantastic Temptations Girl) way back in April or so, when I was feeling like only people I knew were reading my story. She wrote the most amazing, egobooriffic, encouraging review that I was halfway convinced it was someone I knew pretending to be someone else just to give me a boost. I saved that review in my inbox and read it whenever I was feeling crappy about myself.
But I do appreciate every review, the time the reader took to say, "Hey, I read this!" I have been review FAIL lately, which is why I encourage you, if you have a question, just to Tweet it to me (feistyybeden). I will respond! I just can't keep track of where I left off with reviews on FFn, and Algie gave me this excellent system, but then I spend like seven hours saying, "Thank you!" a million ways, and I think folks would rather I pound out (hehehe) another chapter as quickly as possible. But I do try to respond to specific questions. And reviewers of Fix You will always get an excerpt from my eighth grade creative writing journal. It's "special."
Who do you picture as Edward in your fics?
Feisty: In Cullen Family Players, it is generally Keanu with RPattz hair. For Sleepers, I do mostly picture Deadward the Real.
Algie: You know, that's curious. The male protagonist in my stories is always fictional. Like, most of NTIT characters are based on real people, but not Edward. Most of Suburban Ennui... same thing, with Carlisle imaginary. The awesome guy is always a figment of my imagination. A therapist would have a field day with that shit.
Feisty: In Fix You, I pretty much picture the kids from the movie. Sometimes I have little imagination. When I first read *Twilight*, I pictured Edward, for some reason, as Morpheus/Dream from Neil Gaiman's *The Sandman* series. This also reminds me how little imagination I have sometimes--when I was reading the Harry Potter series, I would picture ... the kids in the illustrations at the top of each chapter. And now that there are movies, I just picture those scrumptious schoolchildren. Erm.
Algie: OMFG. Now I have demented visions of RPatz as Morpheus moping around like a super-emo Edward. They would fuck that up so much as a movie, though. And like Christina Ricci as Death, yes?
Feisty: NOT IN THE MOVIE IN MY MIND! mmmmmmm Hmmm, who would be Death? Who did Gaiman say, like a young Chrissie Hynde? Who would be Despair, all naked and sumo-wrestler body and saggy tits?
Algie: Seriously, who else could play that? CHRISTINA RICCI. Except she has that Lollipop head. I could be Despair. LMAO.
Feisty: It's the Lollipop head that makes me think no for Christina Ricci, actually. And no way. You are not Despair!Algie: I am totes Despair. No sex... boobs that have been through four kids. DESPAIR!!!! And wait... you said young Chrissie Hynde... KStew is totes rocking the right hair. Just move 'em on over and let them play brother and sister. So dementedly incestuous-like.
Feisty: See, I picture you as your FFn avatar. All lovely and Art Deco and NOT sumo-wrestler body with saggy tits. Ooooh, KStew as Death, with her Joan Jett mullet spiked out--I can see it! Except she's too dour. Death is not dour. VERY WELL I WILL HAVE TO PLAY DEATH MYSELF.
Algie: Poor Christina. She just has such a nice, round basketball head. With the right hair, though... Too bad Angelina is so old and Megan Fox is so crazy in the head. I am so not Art Deco. *sigh* DESPAIR! I don't even have to act. Just loll around with saggy boobs.
Feisty: You know, now that I think about it, I think I pictured Death as Alice when I read *Twilight* for the first time. And re: you as Despair, you wouldn't have to bother with clothing, which has some pluses. Except then the cracker crumbs end up in unfortunate places, and that's not so comfortable.
Algie: OMFG, me too! And when Ashley Greene appeared, I was all "Where's the ankh, biznatch?"
Feisty: Wait, which one of us auditioned at Eastman? OMG THE ANKH! I used to wear one. I was Death for Halloween one time (at band camp).
Algie: Uh, you did. I just hagged for Eastman students, remember? Hello, guidance counselor FAIL. They should have worn ankhs instead of those ghey crests in the movie. So much cooler. Like Bowie and Deneuve. COOLEST VAMPIRES EVAH.
Feisty: I didn't get in. Hello, audition FAIL. Ankhs are always WIN!
Algie: I still want them to redo Twilight with Bowie as BDC. Bella would be like "Emo virgin vamp who? DILF vamp over here, dude! And he fucked JAGGER!"
Feisty: OMFG BOWIE AS BDC! That is sawesome.
From in.a.blue.bathrobe:
Best lemon scenario for a chick with a leg cast?
Feisty: HAHAHAHA. I want a redux of the scene where ToVward peels the sock off Bella in the bathroom, only it will be the sexy, sexy ripping sound of the velcro straps on my Aircast. Then I want some venom-laced sparklelingus. And then I want, uh, someone to feed me Lucky Charms. (See above, re: SEX: IM HAVIN IT RONG.)
From seamonkologist:
Quick question to those who enjoy/write m/m slash...when did you first realize it was something that was a turn on? And did you ever feel the need to hide that it turned you on?
Feisty: n/a But I totally have a hard-on for Evading the Orbit.
From spargelkun:
1) Why don't you guys have a podcast? 2) How can i convince you to start a podcast?
Algie: I have a fuckton of reasons. For starters, we'd scare away any guests. Plus, I'm lazy. I hate having to schedule podcasts and get guests and edit and upload and all that crap that moijojojo does for Twigasm that I have done for my real life job and found boring and tedious. (Is that redundant?) On top of that, more than half the time we aren't even discussing Twilight stuff. We're more likely to discuss why I'm not getting laid or whether licking Ellen Page is pedophilia or music stuff. So very random it would have an audience of like, one. Maximum.
Feisty: Uhhhhhhhh, yeah. No one wants to hear what I think about Twific. I also don't read enough to do a good podcast, I think. However, I have been told I have a pleasant phone voice. Perhaps that would transfer well to a nice podcast voice. Maybe Algie and I can do post-modern deconstructionist analysis of a story of the week. Then we would lose our one audience member. Who is probably philadelphic. I propose spargelkun starts a podcast on any subject of her choosing. Spargelkun is the awesome.
Algie: Okay, OMG, I totes answered that before Feisty. And now I'm all pissing myself at the idea of dragging folks like Jacques Lacan into a fic deconstruction. Putting that degree to WORK!
Feisty: I like Barthes and Benjamin. You put the two names together, and it sounds like a company that makes wine coolers. Please deconstruct responsibly.
Questions for algonquinrt:
Feisty: So. Wood. If you'd known that writing the pairing that makes you blind (Carlisle/Edward) would lead to your being whored out (for good cause!) to write a complete fic of it, would you do it again? I know your love for la Ninapolitan is great, but still. A whole, multi-chaptered fic! That's like asking me to make out with Hilary Swank. I guess I'd do it for charity, but I would hate myself in the morning.
Algie: I do hate myself in the morning. EVERY morning. At the same time, I cackle a little bit about writing it. I love Nina and my mom is a breast cancer survivor and on top of THAT I'll be one of those uninsured folks when my divorce is finalized, so yes, I'd write it over and toss Jacob in for a threesome if it helps even a little bit. (NO, Team Rich Wood, you CANNOT change the terms now. No Jacob three-way. Save it for next auction!) At the same time, while I love the slash I read, I'm kind of dying to inject my twisted brand of realism on the genre. I think it's clear I hagged for a good portion of my existence and the gay boys I knew were different than most of what I read, and I want to write that. Just maybe not with Carlisle and Edward.
Feisty: I hear you about the slash. I'd love to see your take on it, the magic Algie touch. I loved Wood. Yes, I did. Sort of "Desperate Homowives."
Algie: Oh, I want to reveal something from chapter two here. I've never watched Desperate Housewives, but I'm guessing they won't have a scene like date night. 'Sall I'm sayin'.
Feisty: Will we ever find out about the limo beej in Mr. Horrible? How was Bella able to swallow after the first disastrous attempt? THIS IS INFORMATION WE NEED TO KNOW.
Algie: The limo beej is actually the first outtake I'm writing for the Support Stacie Auction deal and, after much consultation with three of the finest beej writers in the fandom (MsKathy, tarasueme, and tby789), it's outlined. I just need to quit fucking off and write it. I'm slow getting back to writing after The Great Laptop Fail and now it's NaNoWriMo month, but it's coming. No pun intended, but I'll giggle about it just the same, since I'm really a 12-year-old boy.
Feisty: Please tell me you'll utilize the someecard that says, "I still dislike the taste of your semen." Because Baby Swan sooooo would send that card.
Algie: She totes would, and I have it on my list, but it never fit in to the story in the right way. Maybe in the sequel.
Feisty: It would be a nice anniversary card, just sayin'.
Algie: Way to ruin my funny. Fuck. Now I need to redo the outline.
Feisty: Oops, sorry about that.
Feisty: I'm going to be Chris Farley Show for a moment and ask you, HOW COME YOU ARE SOFA KING COOL?
Algie: Oh mah god. I am SO not cool. I am a raging, hardcore nerd. You name a nerdy activity in life and I've done it. I mean, please, emmy freaking sends me videos of John Barrowman parading around in heels and I scream like the duhtard fangirl that I am. I quoted the Litany Against Fear for my Lamaze breathing in labor. Cool I am certainly not, although I'm finding with the popularity of Glee I have a certain amount of street cred having sung a capella in college.
Feisty: OH MAH GAH you sang a cappella in college! As did I! I don't know if you remember this from my stalking, pre-first-wife days, but it was beginning to freak me out that every shirt Baby Swan wore was a shirt I owned. I started feeling like I was Will Ferrell in Stranger than Fiction. I was waiting for my Algie voiceover. Uh, this has nothing to do with anything. And I quoted Nancy Reagan when someone offered me pot. So I am way uncooler than you. You are sofa king cool.
Algie: That's because half my shirts are old Television Without Pity shirts and the rest are nerdfest stuff like Emily. Oh, I have a lot of swag shirts from conferences. You'll see more of those on Baby Swan in the sequel because she seems like the kind of girl who would gank her husband's nerdcon swag. Like, right now I'm wearing a shirt from Java One. And I have a Facebook Developers' Garage shirt, but I got that one ON MY OWN. I'm that nerdy.
As for a capella, our director was serious old-school Juilliard. We certainly weren't doing anything as cool as "Golddigger," I can assure you. However, I know more fucking versions of the Star Spangled Banner than I care to think about.
Feisty: My group sang "Breakout" by Swing Out Sister. I think that makes me ... really uncool.
Algie: Even "Breakout" would have been cooler. Seriously. Why do you think the German traumatizes me so?
Feisty: Dude. German a cappella? Are you shitting me?
Algie: German... Latin... Yes. When I say old school Juilliard, I mean like fucking 1800s. Hey... are you on any of the BOCA albums???
Feisty: Hahahaha, uh, no. My group, while KICKING ASS these days, was not rockin' it when I was in it. Because when I'm a part of things, they generally suck. Also, when I like a show, it means it will get canceled. It is my understanding that you have the same problem, at least with TV shows.
Algie: Totes. I am the kiss of death for shows. I try to not watch things that look good until they reach enough mass that they won't be canceled (like Glee). I think I don't like what most people like or something. I'm still angry about Pushing Daisies.
Feisty: I'm still angry about "Veronica Mars," "Twin Peaks," and "My So-Called Life."
Algie: I'm totes responsible for TWO of those three. I cannot claim credit for Veronica Mars' cancellation, but I bet you could name any other show in the past 20 years that was cancelled too early and I watched it. I seriously did NOT watch Dollhouse last season JUST TO SAVE IT. Joss Whedon should thank me. In licks. Or say, a part. Or letting me rub against Felicia Day. A part rubbing against Felicia Day!
Feisty: I'm on a mission to make you watch "Veronica Mars." At least season one. It's already been canceled, so you can't do it any harm. It is fuckhot. And yes, Joss should let you rub up against Felicia Day for cash monies. Although I gotta say, last night's episode was sort of anvilicious.
Algie: I need to catch up on Glee first. And then Dollhouse.
Feisty: We know that you are a SRS BSNS writer, like you get paid for it and shit. Does the fanfic writing help limber you up for the SRS writing, or do you feel like it taps your creative potential until you have nothing left for original work?
Algie: The stuff I write for work (when I'm working... hint, hint karma!) is bone-fucking-dry and boring as hell. I don't get to inject very much of my personality into ghostwriting stuff like "How to use Google Checkout for Idiots" so this is a creative outlet. It's also helped me remember how to use those creative writing muscles I haven't used in ages, and work out the kinks. What I really want to do (like all English majors) is write a book that gets published, turned into a movie, and has stop-action so I can stare at Tim Burton and maybe lick Helena Bonham Carter a few times.
Feisty: Your stories cover a wide range of genres, from the hilarious and touching (you can read "touching" however you please, PPSS readers) "Mr. Horrible" to the darkety fuckedness (YES THAT'S A GENRE SHUT UP) of "Jane" to the quiet devastation of "Blue Dress" to the sweet innocence of "Displaced" to the OMFG BAROO of "Suburban Ennui." What genre do you prefer to write in? What feels the best to write?
Algie: I don't want to get stuck in a genre, to be honest. I want to write FOR REALZ and the last thing I want is to be the next Dan Brown. I mean, sure the money is good, but a new book comes out and you go "Oh yeah. Catholic Church, European hottie who's into old smart guys, mysterious code." I don't want to be that person. Although all my stories seem to have gays and/or awkward sex, so maybe that's my Catholic Church?
Feisty: Nobody wants to be the next Dan Brown. Not even Dan Brown, although I guess he cries himself all the way to the bank and cashes those gigantic checks, wearing a paper bag on his head like the Unknown Comic. Because he is filled with SHAME. SHAME, I tells you.
Algie: Yes, but along with shame, he is filled with caviar and expensive hooker juice, I'm sure.
Feisty: I picture him on a big pile of money, shoveling caviar into his mouth and getting sucked off by some hooker while weeping. Maybe he's also whipping himself a la albino monk in Da Vinci Code.
Algie: Nah. He only weeps when he writes. The rest of the time, he rolls like Snoop Dogg.
Feisty: And a followup to the above--what is your favorite genre of fic to read?
Algie: I like fic that makes me think. Anything that goes beyond the standard boy-meets-girl or boy-meets-boy and has something unique about it. Although my alert list has a fuckton of angst.
Feisty: "Wussperv" has become a part of my vocabulary because of you. How is it that you can write the angst that makes my lower lip pouty to the point that any person with a heart would immediately buy me a pony, but you don't like reading it?
Algie: Oh, I do like reading it. My god, my waiting-to-be-read alerts are horrifying... real life has been too much angst and I have this pile of alerts to be read with me going "OH MAH GOD... can't do that today." I have a tendency to perseverate on really good fic, and waiting for an update can totes fuck me up for DAYS if there's massive heartfail. So I'll tend to wussperv through a few chapters, then knock them all out at once.
Feisty: Tell me more about your fic-reading vomit bucket. What stories have made you utilize said bucket?Algie: It's fairly rare, but I can pinpoint not only the stories, but the CHAPTERS. adorablecullens' Behind Enemy Lines was the first, but definitely not the last... AngstGoddess003 got a puke out of me during the Red Bella/White Bella chapter. LolaShoes owns one with her CPOV outtake of the change scene in LYLS; the intensity of the emotions coupled by that whole parent-thing of watching your child go through something like that KNOWING you could do it for them and it would be easier just killed me dead. I'm sure I'll puke when I finally get back to reading Sleepers, Awake; I've already been warned. I still haven't gone back to some of the really angsty stuff there yet... I read the epilogue first, then some of the later chapters, but I still haven't read THE Jacob chapter.
Feisty: So really, it's a badge of honor to be a reason for the puke bucket. Writers, take note! Should I send you some Zofran when you finally finish reading Sleepers?
Algie: Patron is fine... my body refuses to puke up the tequila-y goodness of Patron.
Feisty: You've said (and I know this because I was totally stalking you before you knew who I was) you hate writing lemons too. What are your citrus hangups?
Algie: EVERY FUCKING THING ABOUT IT. Oh, how I hate the lemons. It's everything about them, from the language (like how many times are you thinking the word "cock" when you are actually fucking, I ask you?) to breaking down the choreography to TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT SEX IS LIKE.
Feisty: Do you draw a diagram first to make sure the sex is even physically possible? I know I've read some lemons that require a protractor and a scientific calculator.
Algie: I don't think mine are that complicated, but I do make sure it's possible to complete the act without having an 8-foot long, fully-retractable, Go-Go-Gadget Coke Can Cock (TM).
Feisty: OMG the Coke Can Cock! This does exist. There was a guy at my conservatory who had CCC. I don't know this firsthand, but all the guys (ghey and straight) reported as such after sharing a dressing room with him. They spoke of him in awed, hushed tones after that: Joe "Coke Can Cock" Baritone.
Algie: *sigh*
Feisty: Also, "breaking down the choreography" ... you know that makes me want to see a lemon Fosse style. You know you can write one. I know you have it in you.
Algie: At some point, maybe I can convince adorablecullens to write a crackfic with me. And the lemons will include jazz hands.
Feisty: And I will learn Flash so I can animate said crackfic for the most epic Flash cartoon of a fanfic ever.
Questions from the peanut gallery (aka Standard Pack Questions):
Algie says she's only answering the new ones. :(
If you could be in a relationship...would it be the same characters that you'd want to bone, or is there someone else they find more relationship worthy?
Algie: Lemme see... I said Balticward in the last interview, right? Hmm.... that's a good question. He's so volatile, but I'm thinking that's a yes. Still. But my second choice at the moment would be Feisty's Jasper in Fix You. Boy has the patience of Job, Southern charm done right, and patience with insane family members. With my family, that's apparently a huge deal-breaker for guys.
Do you currently have more than 1 sex partner?
Algie: I currently have NO sex partners. See also, divorcing right now. I may never have sex again, and right now, that's sounding like a decent plan, tbh.
Questions from around the Fandom:
From NelsonSmandela:
If you were Edward, what would Bella smell like?
Algie: Sure as shit not strawberries & freesia, because I've tried that in the shower and it's like Bath & Body Works threw up. Plus, only Suave still makes strawberry shampoo and it trashes your hair. I'm thinking chocolate. Dagoba.
Who's the most overlooked Twilight character?
Algie: Honestly? Alice and Emmett. I know the stock answer would be some Volturi or one of the 85 names SM came up with just for Breaking Dawn, but really, Alice and Emmett are so overlooked as to potential of character it's criminal. I seriously got like three hours of sleep last night staying up to read Feisty's Alice in Fix You... one that's done right. Same with Tie Me Down to This World. And I borrow Stephen Colbert's wagging finger for authors who relegate them to "hyper shopper" and "dumb jokester" roles.
What's been your favorite review?
Algie: You know, this is another Sophie's Fucking Choice kind of a question. There have been so many that really touched me... people who have offered positive energy about the mess of my personal life... people who have told me how much they love one of my stories... I'd have to say that the two that really stick out in my mind, though, might surprise people. One was the hilariously negative anon review that quoted my own profile back to me ten times while calling me a hypocrite for writing Wood and talking about what a cuntrag I am. That one cracked me up, big time. If saying I will write absolutely anything for my friends or to raise money for a mom with cancer turns me into a hypocrite, then I'm all for it and I'll have it tattooed on my ass as well. The other one is cooler, though. Someone wrote that she'd been reading Mr. Horrible when one of her friends admitted he had been crossdressing. She credited having read Mr. Horrible with giving her the background to react with interest instead of shock. That one was definitely a feel-good kind of moment. I'm also totes in love with spargelkun after her fucktastic reviews; I tend to post them to my friends they are so sawesome. And the bunch that Feisty did on Mr. Horrible as Growing Up Cullen Edward had me peeing myself. They are funnier than my fic. [Feisty: I have no idea what I was smoking when I wrote those--they got gradually more and more surreal. I like how there ended up being some sort of crazy-ass narrative, emphasis on "crazy-ass."]
I do read every last one, though, and love when people mention what they liked or hated about a chapter. It's nice knowing what people gravitate toward in a story.
Who do you picture as Edward in your fics?
Algie: I don't picture him the same way twice. Like I said on Twigasm, he's never Robert Pattinson in my head. The Edward in Suburban Ennui is my own #3. In NTIT? A figment of my imagination, but very close to what I imagined in the books. In Mr. Horrible, a younger, handsomer Steve Jobs. In Wood? The model with the hoodie in the banner made during the Support Stacie Auction was who I had in my head; he's a very different Edward than anything else I've pictured. Probably so I could write it without hurling all over my laptop. If RPatz keeps rocking those sideburns, I guess he could play Edward in Blue Dress. Just get the boy a leisure suit and feather that hair.
From seamonkologist:
Quick question to those who enjoy/write m/m slash...when did you first realize it was something that was a turn on? And did you ever feel the need to hide that it turned you on?
Algie: Honestly? I'm not sure it's as much of a turn-on for me as it seems to be for some people. Maybe I've walked in on too much inadvertently in the real world so it has that sort of "walking in on Mom & Dad" vibe for me.
From ScoobySnacks86:
I'd like to know what Baby Swan writes about in her fanfics, b/c I bet if she was real I'd read.
Algie: Ha. I AM Baby Swan. What a lot of people miss is that, at the very beginning of the story, Baby Swan writes the story of how she and Rich Kid met as fic, and is met with a bunch of flames, which amuse her to no end. In other words, the first fic convention that I skewered was my own writing. I'm also the one who took stuff that I had started as original fic and posted it as fic rather than try to work it into something publishable. So, in that sense, Baby Swan is me. My fics are hers.
From ScarlettLetters:
When can we expect a collaboration between the two of you? Even if it is a lovechild.
Feisty: Algie's wish is my command. I'd give her one of my kidneys if she asked. But then if she didn't make good on her promise to save the world, I'd hire someone to have her killed so I could take the kidney back and give it to someone more worthy. No, wait, that was a L&O: Criminal Intent episode. She can keep my kidney, no strings attached.
Algie: I'd have to get in line. She and philadelphic are plotting some sort of crackfic, plus Feisty has three ongoing fics. I can't keep up with her.
Feisty: Don't forget that I'm doing the Twi25--so that's like 25 little stories. My brain is going to explode.
Algie: And the fucking gift exchange! You forgot the gift exchange!
Feisty: Oh shit, yeah. I am fucked. Gift exchange! I'm TOTALLY nervous about mine. Ack. Plus I still have my main Support Stacie thing to write. I'm also supposed to do a freakin' operafied song/video because the bid was high enough.
Algie: And the operafied song for your 1000th reviewer... hey, did you get the key to the prefect's bathroom? Did we find out when the Deadric shows up?
Feisty: Mrs. TheKing was the 1000th. The prefect's bathroom rocks. Even the urinal cakes smell like pumpkin spice latte. So far no Deadric, but Moaning Myrtle and I had a good heart-to-heart about vaginal itching.
Algie: OMFG. I just realized that in almost every movie, RPatz plays either dead or dork. And now I know HIS Dan Brown theme. I gotta parlay this awkward sex/gays thing into my own pile of hookers-and-blow-type cash.
Feisty: I need to figure out what my Dan Brown theme is. Maybe it's jerky and Lucky Charms.
From in.a.blue.bathrobe:When was the last time Granny P got laid?
Algie: Aw, that one is easy, and not really funny. Last time Granny Platt got laid was when Grandfather Platt was still alive and kicking. That's how she could spot the Rich Kid/Baby Swan connection. One twue wuv and all that sappy shit. She's a one-man kind of girl, although I'm sure the temptation would be there to take Laurent out for a spin.
Feisty: DUDE, that's so Driving Miss Daisy! You know she totally has that fantasy in her head. "Laurent, you're my best friend ..."
Algie: Too cliche, then? Ah well. Maybe I have a part for Mike Newton in the sequel after all.
Feisty: AND NOW I AM BLIND.
That's it for this time folks. Tune in next Thursday for antiaol and ilsuocantante!
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2 comments:
ungh, I love how many times you mention me in this hot little love biscuit of an interview. It makes me slightly less jealous that I wasn't more involved. I dry hump you both.
I need to know what Avis will do about that?!?
Sincerest Regards,
Tonia
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