The back-to-back Lemon Shot lovefest last week and this week is completely unintentional, but I think, pretty comical. Algonquinrt gave the vampy car head in Babble, Bets, Bed, and Bondage from ALE some love last Monday and for my Lemon Shot I independently chose There's An Oral Fixation (Chapter 14) from Mr. Horrible by... algonquinrt. When Algie found out that I was doing this chapter she was horrified (horrified!) because she hates writing lemons and insisted that the Lemon Shot was for hot lemons. Well, I think reality is hot, so: too bad, hooka!
What's also funny about this back-to-back Lemon Drop Humpfest is that ALE is about insatiable – and completely unrealistic – sex. The spunk is delicious, no one ever gets tired or sore or has a headache. But they're vampires, and I'm the first to admit that it's really fun to write lemons with vampy libidos.
However, what I loveabout Mr. Horrible is that it's realistic in the bedroom, and funny, and endearing. I adore the spunky (no pun intended), strong, conflicted, and flighty Bella (Baby Swan) and her earnest and devoted Edward (Rich Kid). I love how relationship-clueless they both are and how they kind of muddle through together and seem to figure it out even if sometimes they come upon the answer only after several tries.
But this Lemon Shot isn't about the whole story – it's about Mr. Horrible getting some oral attention. I've read this chapter more times than I should probably admit, because it's a blow job chapter, and I love reading blow jobs. I have no shame admitting that, even when it's reading blow jobs that end comically.
The first line of this chapter (BPOV) had me laughing so hard that I woke my kid. Hand to heaven, no joke.
Baby Swan as envisioned by Lo
"Waking up once again on sheets this fuckawesome has me contemplating marriage. To the sheets, that is. Certainly, being naked on them has to be indulging in at least two of the mortal sins... lust, gluttony? Probably sloth should be tossed in there as well since I just want to lay here all day on these sheets."
She's got a naked Edward in the bed with her and she's in love with the sheets.
That's our girl.
But then she admits that she really wants to get laid all day on those sheets, and we know how she feels because most of us would settle for getting laid by Edward all day on a pile of hay and here this lucky bitch has the billion thread count sheets and unclothed Mr. Horrible.
Baby Swan really doesn't know her way around a male body and yet her actions here are sweet: touching his bare chest, slowly tugging down his boxer briefs (and feeling guilty about undressing a sleeping Edward), and then feeling unsure how she should go about waking him. She tries to just kiss and nibble her way down his body but he still doesn't wake up. The situation comes to a head (*cough*) when she is faced with, well, Mr. Horrible. This Bella reads a lot of fic, and so she has learned that (1) men love head, (2) women love giving head, and (3) jizz is fucking delicious.
Right?
Well, Baby Swan's ministrations do wake up Rich Kid (thank god, right?) and I fucking lovehis first thought:
Rich Kid as envisioned by Lo
"I try to wrap my head around what I'm waking up to, but my first reaction is to wonder where the ever-loving fuck a girl who had only ever kissed her gay best friend learned how to give head."
Unfortunately for Baby Swan and her naivete, Rich Kid doesn't last long and there's no time to really prepare her for the reality of the cumsplosion. Girlfriends, we've all been there, haven't we? Hoping that somehow the epic blow job we've just delivered will culminate in this glorious divine moment where we taste our man and he will taste like pineapple or McFlurry's (holla hookas!) or something indescribable but closely resembling heaven? But really, it tastes like... jizz. I almost feel guilty, like maybe Baby Swan read about the tasty heaven of Blissward's lollicock spunk in Chapter 28 ALE and was sorely disappointed, and all I can tell her is...well, sorry sistah. It's not ever like that unless the man is a vampire (though I'm not even really sure about that, to be honest).
Anyway, I won't describe her reaction, or his either (which, I must admit, makes him one of my favorite Edward's ever because it's the exact same reaction my now-husband had to an event early in our relationship and it diffused the situation immediately). So, GO! Read it now, or read it again. Baby Swan's reaction (The one starting with “But...but...”) is exactly what each of us has probably wanted to say after giving head but resisted in the name of decorum. I love that this one throws decorum out the window.
That's our girl.
And when Edward thinks, “I don't know what the hell she's read about fellatio, but it sounds like porn. And even then they don't always swallow. Who's been feeding her this line of shit?”, Lola slowly raises her hand and offers a guilty shrug.
LolaShoes is the author of tiny little fics that nobody has ever read, "Let Your Light Shine" "A Life Extraordinary" and "My Yes, My No." She loathes smut and prefers chaste kissing and playing twister while fully clothed. She's also a fantastic lady and will be naming her first daughter Nina Christina Facinelli (I'm kidding) xo~ninapolitan
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3 comments:
This review made me laugh almost as hard as the actual chapter did. Well done Lola. I remember disturbing my husbands sleep at like 1:30 am on a saturday when I read that chapter. God I loved that Fic. To me its a classic that will live on in the ficdom forever.
I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?
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