Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!

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DISCLAIMER:
The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

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GOOD VIBRATIONS
An Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy PPSS University Special
VIBRATORS 101

The Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy question box has been filled to the brim with vibrator questions, so here is your chance to get all your answers in one place! The Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy Sex Lab Assistants have been *very* busy this week... never fear. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.



Special thanks to my fellow Pervs for lending their expertise to this most titillating of subjects! <3

NAUGHTY NURSE KIMPY'S VIBRATOR RULES:

1. Always clean your vibrators. Prior to using them for the first time, and every time after you use them, wash the toy with gentle soap and water. If the directions specify that a particular type of toy wash should be used, follow those instructions. Also be sure that you're careful around the batteries or adapter plug as well. Again, follow the manufacturer's recommendations.

2. Do not share your vibrators with anyone else. This is the best way to pass along nasty critters from person to person.

3. I've said it before, and I will say it again--NO ASS TO VAG. I don't care if you clean the vibrator afterwards, you still shouldn't go ass to vag. If you want both anal and vaginal stimulation via vibrator, buy a separate one for each orifice in order to avoid infection.

4. If a vibrator no longer works, or isn't working properly, don't use it. The risk of injuring yourself isn't worth it.

I'm looking to buy my first vibrator. Any tips for online shopping?

I'm a college student and, after reading your posts, I want to get a vibrator. I don't want to go to an actual store, so do you have any advice for online places to look that aren't "sketchy" (for lack of a better word)? I don't want to just randomly type something into google search, and I would need to find a site where they ship items in plain, non descriptive packaging (since my mail goes to a University mail room), and don't put something like "sex store" on a credit card bill. It would be so helpful if you could give me an idea of where I can start looking. Thanks!

Do you have a trusted discreet website where you buys your toys?

Here are some great sites for n00bs to the concept of buying toys online:

Babeland The site is very non-threatening if you've never looked at sex toys before, and their reviewers sound like 'real' people.

Adam and Eve. They both have reasonable prices (though Adam and Eve has the best sales around), they both have a huge selection and they are discrete.

Smitten Kitten

Eden Fantasys If you ever are in need of a chuckle, some of their reviewers make video reviews which are hilarious and kind of over the top.

All these stores ship items in plain packaging and the return address gives no clues either. They also all send coupons to email subscribers, which is a good thing when you are a toy slut.

I'd like to start by saying that I'm beyond grateful that this is anonymous...
Background: I'm 22, I've just recently started having sex about two months ago. Prior, I had masturbated quite often and found that using a vibrator really made my orgasms more intense and took less time to get there. Since then I haven't gone back to 'manual' stimulation sans vibrator.

My main concern/question: Since I've been having sex with my partner I've never cum from intercourse - even though I do stimulate my clit. Also when he goes down on me, as much as I love it, I've never cum from this either. I decided to introduce a vibe for external stimulation and have found that I've cum from that every time. I guess I'm wondering... has using a vibe made me 'broken' (i.e. unable to cum without it)?

Well, yes, it is anonymous, and I'm happy to help answer the questions you can't ask anyone else. Thank you for trusting me enough to allow yourself ask them! When you use a vibrator, some of its best attributes are that you get where you need to be quickly, and you get there with intensity. There is no wonder why vibrators are so popular!

In terms of having an orgasm via penetrative sex, I'm going to let you in on a secret--it's not always very easy to achieve. For some women, it is, but for many of us, we simply can't get there with a penis alone. What I need for you to take away from this is that you might never have an orgasm from being penetrated alone--that's normal, and it's okay. There is no need to ever feel like you are broken and need to be fixed.

I think one of the negative implications of what we read in fanfiction is that we assume that if our sex life isn't the same as Edward and Bella's, that we're abnormal or broken. Trust me, you're just fine the way you are. If sex feels good to you, or having your boyfriend go down on you feels good, that's really all that matters. If you can only achieve an orgasm when you have sex by using a vibrator on your clit, you know what? You're still having orgasms during sex. Does it matter how you achieve them? Not at all.

My challenge to you is this: Work together with your partner to achieve an orgasm outside of penetrative sex, or oral sex. Just you, your partner, and your vibrator. If you need to use it for clitoral stimulation alone to get your O face on, so be it. Show your partner how to use the vibe on you in order to get your O. I imagine that if you guys can work together to get your O, you'll feel better about it. Once you can do that together, don't be afraid to use the vibrator on your clit while your partner penetrates you; that may be just what you need to get your orgasms during sex.

The bottom line is that there is nothing wrong with needing outside assistance to achieve an orgasm during sex. There is also nothing wrong if you don't have an orgasm every time. As long as what feels great and is an intimate experience for you and your partner, that's really all that matters. Sex is intended to be fun, and to feel good. I encourage you to focus on that, and not get hung up about when, how, or why you orgasm.

Here's the question: Would having masturbated for years because you're not in a committed relationship cause you to stop being able to achieve an orgasm without the use of say a vibrator or bullet when you actually (Praise Jesus) start having sex with a partner? I just don't want him to think there is a problem with him & yes, I have achieved orgasm prior, but its been years.

Can using a vibrator on your clit, like a pocket rocket type thing, numb your nerves and make it less sensitive permanently? Also, by using a vibrator, can it make it harder to orgasm just using your fingers? Is there anything I can do to make it (the nerves in my clit) more sensitive?

*THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: VIBRATORS WILL NOT SHORT CIRCUIT YOUR CLITORIS! REPEAT--VIBRATORS WILL NOT SHORT CIRCUIT YOUR CLITORIS! THANK YOU. YOU MAY BE SEATED. PLEASE KEEP YOUR HANDS INSIDE THE RIDE AT ALL TIMES*

Now, that being said, there are a few things that you should keep in mind:

1. If you use a vibrator excessively--as in, 10 orgasms a day, for example--it can temporarily numb and desensitize your vag, making it more difficult to come with a partner. Emphasis is on the key word temporarily Remember, all things in moderation.

2. While vibrator use shouldn't have a direct impact on your ability to orgasm physically using other methods of stimulation, it can train your brain to be more attuned to having one type of orgasm. Any mind-body response is the result of the creation of a neural pathway--essentially, a path from the brain to the body that causes a physical reaction. It is possible for you to become mentally trained to have orgasms via vibrators; your brain might learn that your particular orgasmic response comes via a vibrator. I encourage you to alternate the types of orgasms you have, so that some are from vibrators, and some are from your fingers or other methods. Obviously, if you don't have an available partner, you can't add sex and oral sex into the equation. If you do have a partner, well, make sure to add sex and oral sex in there, too.

3. If it has been a while since you've had a sexual partner, your orgasmic response might be diminished. Don't be alarmed if it takes a bit of time for you to relearn to orgasm via good, old-fashioned sex. Explain things to your partner, and you can work on learning how to get your O face on together.

Other than your hand and a vibrator, what else could you use for masturbation?

Oh my god, put a dirty mind to work and it never stops... the conversation thread we had going about the various things we used! Here are but a few of the many ideas the Pervs have come up with:

The Massaging Shower Head is ordinary-hardware-masquerading-as-sex-toy gold. Handhelds are the easiest, and the more settings the better. *It'll be the best trip to Home Depot, like ever*

Textured massage gloves or finger covers work nicely for the more sensitive women. Fingertip toothbrushes also do the trick nicely. Added bonus? You can get them at drugstores or even pet stores, they are super cheap, and no one will ever know what lascivious plans you have for them.

Speaking of toothbrushes, electric toothbrushes are the stealth bomber of vibrators. They range in price from $10 to $100 a pop. The more expensive they are, the more power they tend to deliver, although it's possible to get off from just a battery-powered number. Check them out at Amazon.com: Oral-B Professional Electric Toothbrush.

As long as you're in the health and beauty aid section of the store anyhow, check out the Neutrogena Wave Facial System. For $19 you get a comfy hand held vibrator that you can leave out on you bathroom counter for all the world to see, and no one will be any the wiser.

You know those pillows that most everyone has in their home? Round, long, innocent looking? Maybe not so much: Bolster pillows. Put one between your legs and hello, dryhump.

See you next week for Part II of Vibrators 101:

OF VIRGINS AND VIBRATORS.

Do you have a question for Naughty Nurse Kimpy? Click the banner below, fill out the form, and get your answer in an upcoming installment of Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy.

Turn Me On: If Only by Sadtomato

We want to know what turns you on, ladies! Which fics are rocking your world and are must reads for us Pervs? We want you to tell us what you like, what turns you on about this fic. Let’s talk about it over a glass of wine and get everyone reading it.

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On this installment of Turn Me On SingleStrand has joined the pervs to sing the praises of a new Jake/Edward slash fic called...




Title: If Only
Author: Sadtomato
Status: WIP
Chapters: 8
Word Count: 24,041
Summary: Edward likes girls. Jake likes boys. It's never been a problem for them as best friends and roommates. What happens when the lines start to blur? Can your love for your best friend become something more? SLASH. M Exhibitionism, lemons, grownup feelings.

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Guest Recc’er SingleStrand - When Sadtomato told me she was writing some Edward/Jake slash, I hesitated. I mean, I love her. She’s fast becoming my ficwife. But JAKE? I wasn’t so sure. But, since I love her and I love Between Pleasure and Pain and we were collab-ing on something at the time, I figured I should give it a shot. I’m so glad I did. I read Chapter One and I was like, okay this is good shit. And then I read Chapter Two and I was like, wait, it gets better? Each and every chapter has been like that for me.

If Only will rank in my top three slash fics ever for several reasons. First of all, Sadtomato writes Jacob POV so real it almost hurts. Being gay is just who he is. It’s not something he needs to talk about, compensate for, apologize for, or force on me. He just is. I love that she has created a character that is so open about his sexuality that we have no reason or need to question him. It’s rare to find that kind of genuine honesty in a fic character, in my opinion.

Secondly, she has created an Edward that many of us have likely been at one point. I’m not saying we’ve all fucked our roommate. I’m saying we’ve fallen in that place on the Kinsey scale that forced us into a sense of awareness about our sexuality in one situation or another. It might be as simple as a female being turned on by a female actress or as complex as a man finding another man sucking his dick, when he’s only ever had a girl there. Sadtomato reminds us that we must stop trying to put ourselves and others into neat little labeled boxes. For me, she nailed it with Jake saying in chapter 6 that every relationship is different. Not every gay relationship, not every straight relationship, EVERY relationship. It breaks my heart that Edward thought there had to be a ‘guy’ and a ‘girl’ in their gay relationship. Society has created that image in our heads, just as they have created the idea that the man should be the breadwinner and the woman should be the housewife in straight relationships.

Finally, If Only has hot, hot smut. Of COURSE it does, right? This is Sadtomato. She wrote the Between Pleasure and Pain scene I have bookmarked for a quick fix, so I knew If Only would have something good for me. And boy does it ever. There’s some voyeurism right off the bat in Chapter 1, then a little more exhibitionism/voyeurism soon after that. But the best stuff is several chapters later, when Edward and Jake slowly try all the things that Edward has never done before. UNF is all I can say.

"I think it's your turn," I whispered, reaching down to palm his erection. "After that performance, baby, I'll do anything you want. You want me to suck your cock?" I asked, squeezing him gently as I kissed at his neck.

"I want..." he started, and then paused. Swallowed. Ducked his head into my shoulder. "I want you to do that to me," he whispered.

"Suck you off?" I asked, surprised at his sudden shyness. All of his aggression and confidence from before was gone.

"Yeah," he said. "And uh, the other thing, too..."

Oh.

Oh!

Oh is right Jake. Go get ya some, babe. This Edward is ready and willing. Thanks, Sadtomato, for writing a slash fic that is refreshingly real and complex and delicious all at the same time.

Chele - I’m a sucker for some Jake/Edward slash, but finding a well-written story with these two in the lead is not an easy task. This, however? Is beyond wonderful.
First, Sadtomato pulls me in with what is, quite possibly, the hottest exhibitionist wank I’ve ever read. From that moment I am owned completely, and hanging on every word.

This story is, above all, about a loving friendship. The underlying foundation of the way they enjoy each other’s company remains a constant through the development of the sexual complications between Edward and Jake. In the angstiest moments, (because, let’s face it, when you fall in love with your “straight” best friend, there’s gonna be some angst) Jake misses the little things like their nights in front of the TV, and dinners hanging out together. It’s this simple domesticity that really makes me believe that there is a possible future for them.

Edward’s innocence and Jake’s vulnerability are a heady combination. Their erotic interactions are electric with emotion, and after having read these moments I am left haunted by the intensity of love between them. I want so much for things to work out for these boys, but because Sadtomato has written this with so much realism, I know that the chances of an uncomplicated HEA are small. Regardless, she has proven that she will treat them right, and be true to the story, and I, for one, can’t wait to see how it turns out.

Jen - Oh my gosh, this story. I love Edward and Jake AU slash, so I was excited to hear that Sadtomato was going to be posting some Ed/Jake. I think If Only is the first AH Ed/Jake I’ve read, and it easily is one of my favorite fics.

This is a tight little fic, it’s going to be ten chapters plus an epilogue, and the chapters are not very long. Don’t let the length of this fic deceive you- there aren’t any wasted words, and every bit of each chapter is imparting important information about the characters and the plot. Yes, this hotter than hell fic has plot.

Perhaps I’m biased toward Jake because he’s the narrator. I don’t know. I do know that if you don’t come away from the first few chapters feeling all mama-bear on Jake’s behalf, then I’m pretty sure you’re not reading the same fic as I am. Like vamp Edward, this human Edward is very dangerous to Jake, because he has the power to break him. They are best friends and roommates; what Edward doesn’t know is that Jake is in love with him. Edward engages in some sexual activities knowing full well that Jake can see what he’s doing. I’m not a violent person, really, but damn did I ever want to beat the crap out of Edward for teasing Jake like that.

Sadtomato salvaged my negative feelings about Edward through his actions, which eventually show that he’s not teasing Jake, he is interested in him sexually. Edward goes far out of his comfort zone often in the fledgling relationship: telling people about their relationship, giving his first blow-job, asking Jake to play with his ass. Jake is over the moon, yet still wary, because he doesn’t know if this is perhaps just an experiment for Edward. He doesn’t want Edward to say ‘I’m not gay, I’m only gay for you.’ He wants Edward to be all-in, just as he is.

Jake watching Edward jerking off is just unbelievably hot. Knowing how Jake feels about Edward turns the temperature up even more. When Jake and Edward are finally intimate together *cue Hallelujah chorus*, it’s beautiful to see Edward’s vulnerability, and Jake’s pure love for his friend.

Right now we’re at a point in the story where Edward is confronted with some hard reality about loving a man in current day America. We don’t know what’s going on in his mind; we only see what Jake sees. The next chapter will no doubt be pivotal, and whatever Edward decides about his love life, he holds Jake’s heart in his hands.
I’m convinced Sadtomato is going to kill me. First she was killing me with the angst. Then she was killing me with the lemons--voyeurism, grinding and blow-jobs, oh my! I fear that she’s going to be killing me with the angst again, but I’m going to hold out hope that it will end on a citrusy high note. Even if your slash pairing of choice is Edward/Jasper, please, give this wonderful story a try. You won’t be disappointed.

Jess - When the Pervs started talking about this, I wasn’t really sold on it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I did slash... like, I dig it a lot. But Jake... and Edward... together... what?!

What is abso-freakin-lutely right! There are no words to describe how hot this little jewel of a story is. Edward and Jake are roommates and friends. Edward is perfectly content to sleep around with pretty much any chick he can find at the bar. Jake is gay and has a a big crush on Edward. The story starts when Jake comes home late from the bar to find Edward jerking off.

He curses a little under his breath and shifts on the bed, switching hands. My eyes are locked on the movement under his sheet, and I want more than anything for that sheet to be gone. I let my eyes flicker up to his abs, his chest, his tight, pale nipples. I want to lick them, bite them. I want to bite his collarbones, nip at his throat, suck hard until his skin is bruised. Oh, and his fucking Adam's apple... I want to lick that too, and nuzzle it with my nose, and scrape my teeth over it.

When I finally let myself look back up at his face, my body jerks back from the doorway in shock.

His eyes are open, and staring right into mine.

He grins, and I'm about to apologize, but I notice that the movement under the sheet hasn't stopped.

He's still doing it. He's still jerking off, right in front of me, and he knows that I'm watching.

This is when things start to change, albeit slowly. Told exclusively from Jake’s POV, you can feel the ache and longing he feels for Edward and the pain of watching him bring “skank” after “skank” home. It’s not until some time later that a series of events occur (and you’ll just have to read it to find out what I’m talking about), that Edward and Jake are forced to talk through stuff.

"So is it... God, Edward, I have so many questions. Do you think that... maybe you're bi?" I ask him, knowing that it's less scary than asking him outright if he's gay.

"I don't think so," he says, shaking his head again. "I mean, I don't feel like I'm bi. I'm not attracted to men, Jake. Just... you."

"Just me?" I ask, my voice squeaking a little in surprise.

"Yeah," he says. "I haven't always felt this way, it's just that lately... I don't know. Lately, I've been looking at you differently, noticing things. The way you look, your smile, you know? And your body..."

It's my turn to blush.

Now, if that doesn’t leave you feeling all sorts of gushy, then I don’t know what will.

Watching these two find their way through the murky waters of sexual identity, relationships that neither thought they’d ever have, and sexual exploration has been both heartwarming and heartbreaking. There’s a great scene where Edward invites Jake to hang out with his “straight” friends, and he comes out to them about being with Jake... the confusion of labels and how to identify himself is so apparent and not fully dealt with, but you know it’s going to be an issue later. It’s just so, so real.

Sadtomato has done an extraordinary job making this more than a smutty slash fic. It’s a beautiful articulation of how two friends grow to love each other and deal with everything that comes with it.

The most recent chapter left me all sorts of confused as Edward opens himself up to Jake fully and then is forced to deal with the often vicious word of prejudice. You can feel the confusion and anger rolling off him as Jake pulls him away from the situation and back to the car. Oh, my heart is aching for these two as they stumble through all this together. I cannot wait for the next update.

Liz - I started this thinking it was just gonna be a smutty little something-something starring Jake/Edward (which I don’t come across very often), and discovered a real gem. It’s hard to get me fired up for Jake slash for some reason but, from the very beginning, Sadtomato gave Jake a warm and sweet quality that put me squarely in his corner. He genuinely is a good guy, harboring an unrequited crush on his straight best friend (and yay for us - roommate!), Edward. While Edward is somewhat of a manwhore, he’s very comfortable having a gay best friend. There wouldn’t be a story here if there weren’t strong hints that Edward might just have a little more than platonic feelings for his BFF.

One hot wank, a little voyeur sex, a drunken binge, a cold bed and a whole lot of UST later finds Edward in Jake’s bed.

“He's moving against me, holding me tight, humping me. It's a dream come true, except for the fact that he's fucking asleep. I start to feel guilty. I shouldn't let him do this-he wouldn't want this if he was awake, if he knew he was in bed with me for real. I'm torn, because I love the way he's holding me, touching me, but I know-in my stupid fucking heart-that it's not real.

"Edward," I say, my voice faltering just a little. "Edward, man, wake up." I hold absolutely still, waiting for the jolt as he pulls away.

He stops moving, turns his head a little so I can feel his breath hot against my ear.
"I'm not sleeping," he whispers...

Edward finally allows himself to act on what we’ve all seen brewing, and your heart is in your throat as you read about the morning after their intense little grinding session, praying that Edward doesn’t break Jake’s heart.

I can’t help but be reminded of how Raw and Rosy started out as just a smutty little bit of slashy spanking fun, but it turned into so much more. As Sadtomato continues to dive into the dynamic between Jake and Edward, and as we watch Edward begin to struggle with how he defines himself sexually, you realize this fic is way more than a damn hot bit of UNF. I can’t wait for more.

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The Lemon Report 3/29/11

The Lemon Report - Fancy finding out what is on the FF bookshelves of the Pervy Girls of the PPSS? The lemon report lets you know our personal favourite updates of the week, and why you should give the fic a try.... It’s a great place to trawl for new recc’s and don’t forget to share your favourite update with us by leaving us a comment.

Acronym Guide
AU - Alternate Universe
AH - All Human
WIP - Work in Progress
O/S - One Shot
OOC - Out of Character
WP - Wussperv
Slash/Femslash - Features homosexual characters and romance.

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Be Like Water

by taoist elf

AU, WIP, Bella/Paul

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Chele - I am so thrilled to have found this New Moon AU. Paul imprints on Bella, and the results are like a perfect storm. It is awesome, and thrilling, and smoking hot. taoist elf brilliantly explores the wolf pack mindset and group dynamics, an area I find lacking even in most “pack fics”. There is something very special about the way Bella and Paul’s personalities compliment one another. The lemons are volcanic, but always move the plot forward, illustrating the desperate need for one another that the imprint creates. The eroticism is vital, the intensity of the writing imparts a painful ache of need. I get so excited when this updates because I MUST know what happens next.

Jen - Bella/Paul AUs make me so, so happy. Paul’s canon characteristics are so well suited to being a wolf who imprints--the hot-headedness and intensity. There’s just something about the combination of Paul and Bella. They’re sort of like that crazy food combination that sounds hard to imagine but is so damn delicious. The sex is feral- there’s no other word for it, and it’s so damn good.

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What Happens in Zurich

by Eurofornication

AH, Multi-Chap Complete, E/B/Emmmmmmett

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Chele - Emmett/Bella/Edward. Unf. If you’re looking for intricate plot, this may not be the best choice, however it is fun, flirty, and seriously fuckhot.
Oh, while you’re at it, the Eurofornication Contest has some steamy entries you should check out, while you’re in the smutty European state of mind.

Jen - I’m so glad that the hosts of the Eurofornication contest wrote this fic as an example for the contest. It’s hilarious and sexy, and stars hot, Swiss Emmett. unf!

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Unexpected Circumstances

by Savage7289

AH WIP E/B

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Jess - This came recommended to me as I have been wanting to read historical fic with lots of cherry poppin’... and this did not disappoint. at. all. This is a medieval story where Edward wins the right to choose the hand of any maid in Aro’s kingdom. Pushing aside what is expected, he chooses Bella... a handmaid. So begins the journey of their relationship to know each other, grow in their intimacy... you get the idea. This most recent chapter involved intense, rough wall sex in a stable after Edward removes his armor... just unf!

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Between Pleasure and Pain

by sadtomato

AH WIP E/B with hints of Carlisle

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Jess So, after reading If Only I decided I should see what other goodies sadtomato had up her sleeve. Sweet mother of mercy, this story had me panting... literally... as we watch Edward and Bella, a married couple, learn to explore their D/s needs under the guidance of Carlisle, a long time Dom. This story is so freaking hawt, I seriously do not have words. Go read this... like now.

Jen - Edward and Bella have had a challenging time of it the last few chapters, balancing their new interest in Dom/sub play with the rest of their lives. What better way to reconnect after a taxing session in Carlisle’s playroom than some sweet, hot loving in their own bed, followed by falling asleep in one another’s arms?

Chele - While I adore E/B’s cuteness in this exploration, I have to give it up for hot Dom Carlisle. There is just something about his sureness and maturity that lights me on fire. His capacity for forgiveness and understanding, while still maintaining the dominant role is perfect. Love this story.

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We Come To Life Beneath The Stars

by Lillybellis

AH, WIP, E/B

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Liz - I love this fic beyond measure, and hate to see it now winding down to the last few chapters. The UST finally bubbled over in ch16, and WOW was it worth the wait. Any fic that includes descriptions like this is A++ in my UNF book: “No words, just ragged breaths, all uneven and deep and hot. No conversation, just the way our bodies move together, and the sound of skin sliding against skin, each soft kiss melting into another” Go, read, and fall in love with StarsWard.

Emmy - This story makes me ridic happy. I love love love love how Edward and Bella have reached an easy, playful stage with one another in their relationship. Edward is dreamy in this chapter in how he looks out for and takes after Bella. Oh and dry humping ftmfw!

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180 Days plus Weekends & Holidays

by Drizl

AH, WIP, slash, J/E

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Jen - This has a hilarious premise--bff’s Bella and Jasper make a pact that if they don’t have sex with someone else by the end of the school year they’ll do it with each other. One minor problem: Jasper’s gay, hasn’t told Bella, and on the first day of school both they both develop a crush on Edward. All manner of hijinks ensue as Jasper gets himself a beard, kisses a boy he’s not interested in, and somehow finds himself involved with a giant pink dildo. There’ve been some steamy kisses and a few hot wank sessions. Looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Emmy - A few of the girlies have been raving about this fic. Its SO on my to be done list, as high priority! Sounds fabbio!

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Rubbish

by Belladonnacullen

AH, WIP, E/B

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Jen - When Yogagal mentioned Rubbish on Twitter she described it as ‘a fic about Garbageward and Hookerella.’ I couldn’t quite wrap my head around that, so I checked out the first chapter. Love it. It’s hilarious, it’s smutty, and Belladonnacullen posts short chapters very frequently.

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Mortal Enemies

by HoochieMomma

AH, O/S, Jake/Caius

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Chele - I’m such a sucker for non-canon, and the idea of Jacob and Caius sets my pervy heart on fire. This little one-shot took a prize in the behind-the lyrics contest, and it was most deserved. What a unique concept, and a pairing that knocked my socks off.

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Solus Ipse

by Zoya Zalan

AU, O/S, Carlisle

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Jen - What happens if Carlisle indulges in a fantasy about Bella? I’m not going to tell you the fab ending to this short little o/s, but I will tell you that it’s fuckhot.

Chele - Why oh why did I not have Zoya Zalan on author alert? She makes such good Carlisle. I will be rectifying that oversight post haste. Unf.

Jess - I haven’t had a good Carlisle/Bella fix in a while, so this was right up my alley. So freaking hot.

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Underworld

by Lyricalkris

AH, E/B/J, WIP

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Jen - Edward and Bella are serving detention and are getting punished by Mr.Whitlock in the playroom. ‘nuff said.

Emmy - Yeah this story is well hot. There is potential for a tremble of angst here, as perhaps Jasper are not equal or entirely honest in their feelings for their boss Bella. But there are some intense and steamy shenanigans in this tale!

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Lockersecks Candy

by Kassiah

AH O/S E/B

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Emmy - So Emmy is total fail on this fic, I am WAY behind the party here! But I stumbled upon this fic the other day when on the train and gagging for an update to read ***shakes fist at fecking FF.Net fail***. But I am so glad I did. This was smutty fun but with an edge, as Bella and Edward are not each others. Instead Edward is dating Bella’s best mate! Oooops. They really should dally in public then should they? Partic in school, no?

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Warmth

by KatieBelleCullen

AU WIP Complete E/B

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Emmy - Wow in this final chapter of Warmth ( KatieBelleCullen ‘s Missing Moments from Breaking Dawn) we get a beautiful conclusion to a wonderful look at important moments for Edward and Bella. KatieBelleCullen has always focused more on the ermmmm naughtier or more adult interactions in this tale, although she has featured a couple of their angstier, more bittersweet unions too. In this final chapter, we see Bella use her newly strengthened shield to show Edward just what it was she dreamed about that frustrated night on their honeymoon that led to him crack and finally show her again just what form his physical need for her took..... rarrrrr

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A Quiet Fire

by Magnolia822

AH WIP Angsty E/B

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Emmmmy - Finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, FINALLY. Finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, , finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, FINALLY! Gah this chapter was SO well done. Yes there is still so much to be resolved. But oh such sweet reunion, such sweet connection and declarations of love for these two. They are where they belong, back with one another. Well and truly as one. Wonderful stuff.

Liz - Ohhh this story owns me. This chapter was a long time coming, and so absolutely perfect. Hot and tender and sweet and amazing. The timing felt absolutely real after what these two have been through together.

Team Anything Goes: The Definition of Want by audreii_fic

The Team Anything Goes Pick is...

Title: Definition of Want
Author: audreyii_fic
Chapters: 11 COMPLETE
Words: 63,032
Reviews: 687
Summary: You know how Edward offered to let Bella and Jacob make puppies? And we all secretly wondered how that would go? Yeah. It's one of those. J/B. Set post-Eclipse.

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Chele - Admit it. If you’re whorish, like me, when Edward offered, out of desperation, to let Bella have Jacob’s “puppies” there was a little part of your mind that walked down that road. Truth is, there was a part of me the REALLY wanted Jacob to take him up on that offer. So imagine my excitement when I saw the summary for this story. While it isn’t the polyamorous love fest I had hoped for, it is an honest portrayal of how that scenario may very well have played out. It is also expertly written, gaspingly hot, and heartwrenchingly real.

audreyii_fic captures perfectly the two things that Edward and Jacob always had in common: their love for Bella, and their willingness to do anything to keep her from giving up her human life. From the moment that Edward approaches Jacob to make the proposal, it’s obvious that no one is going to make it out of this unscathed, and the ache that follows as Jacobs considers, shows fully the agony present for all parties in this triangle.

What really hit home for me, however, were the moments when Jacob and Bella were alone together. Their personalities felt so canon as he calmed and soothed, and finally, was able to love her the way that he was never able to in the original work. The tenderness and passion left me awestruck, and I ached for them to be able to stay in that bubble of simple happiness and physical pleasure for ever.

This story is both a beautiful dream and an ugly reality, but it always feels honest. If you have an open mind, read The Definition of Want. It’s guaranteed to offer an unseen perspective and make you ache with want for... everything.

Jeanne - If you remember my Winter Wish then you know my fascination with this particular line in canon.

"She can have puppies, if that's what it takes."

So, when I saw audreyii_fic specifically reference it in the summary to say I was intrigued would be an understatement. Like Chele, I hoped for a big smutty poly hump fest, but once I got into the story and realized that it wasn’t poly, I was already hooked.

audreyii_fic has a gift to make the characters reactions and actions feel so real, that it lends a great deal of credibility to the story. Jake, Bella and even at times Edward make this story for me. They are so in character that at times it was really hard for me read, because it was so well written. I felt their confusion, love and deep heartache.

This decision isn’t reached easily, but it is a choice reached by all three of them. Seeing how they each get there is fascinating and painful. In fact, Definition of Want hits on a truth in about canon Bella that I have rarely seen shown in fan fiction. Bella’s need to be changed is deeply rooted in her belief that Edward will eventually leave her if she were to stay human. This insecurity is ever present in canon, and even gets a spotlight in New Moon, but we never talk about it in fan fiction. We especially do not discuss how damaging that is for a relationship, and how equality isn’t just a philosophical idea. Love, real love isn’t just about the overwhelming need to be with someone, but it is also the ability to be truly yourself with them. To be comfortable with yourself, because their love allows your to be yourself. This is the difference between epic/romanticized love and real/long lasting love. This is the difference between Edward and Jacob.

Definition of Want is the story of how the road to hell is truly paved with good intentions, because Edward makes this choice as much as Jacob, and Bella. His mistake is one of loving Bella, and wanting to ensure her happiness, even at the expense of his own heart. That was one of the most difficult aspects of the story for me.

I am a Jake/Bella shipper, but I am also a Edward girl at heart, and while this story doesn’t make him a villain. It also doesn’t give him a HEA. However, audreyii_fic does an exceptional job of writing canon Edward, which in the end made my heartbreak that much more.

Even though my heart was crying for Edward, it was also exploding with love, and hope for Bella and Jacob. This story shows us canon Jacob, strong, sexy, and still desperately in love with Bella. We see the entire story from his POV, and I am beyond ecstatic at how we get to see his wise (beyond his years) observations of Bella. She is never more beautiful than when we see her through his eyes, and that alone says more about how much he loves her than any fancy dialog could.

There are so many flawlessly written scenes, sexy and simple, in this story that left me aching. audreyii_fic has given us a wonderful alternative to canon, where Jacob and Bella get (in my opinion) the HEA that they both deserved.Definition of Want is now at the top of my all time favorite Twilight Fan Fics, and if you’re a Bella/Jacob shipper you should drop EVERYTHING and go read it.

Jen - When Chele shared the premise of The Definition of Want, it seemed like such a natural take on the Twi universe that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t read anything like it before. audreyii_fic has created a completely believable alternate take on the culmination of the saga.

I absolutely love audreyii_fic’s portrayal of Jake. He’s what we’d expect of a teenager who has recently been told ‘I love you, but I love this other guy more.’ He’s pissed off that he’s lost the girl, pissed that he turns into a giant wolf, and pissed about the very existence of Edward Cullen. Sometimes in AU fic Jacob comes across as older than he really is. I’m thankful that this Jake really seems to be the age that SM wrote him as. It’s also hard to imagine this Jake going from loving Bella so desperately to being ok with imprinting on a hybrid baby with the speed that it happens in BD.

Another thing that audreyii_fic does so well is to show how Bella tries to make everyone else happy, worrying about herself last. She doesn’t pull an SM and pretend that there aren’t some very serious things wrong with the dynamic in Edward and Bella’s relationship. Granted, we are seeing everything through Jake’s pov, and he’s certainly biased against Edward. Bella undergoes a tremendous amount of growth in this fic. The times when she’s truly driven by her own desires and motivations are beautiful times indeed.

It’s very refreshing to see Bella and Jacob fumble in their initial sexual encounter. So often in fic, high school Bella is all-knowing sexually, a gross misrepresentation of canon Bella’s desire to be intimate with and feel completely loved by Edward. Their sexual activity is no less hot because they’re inexperienced; instead, every moment is filled with their love for one another, and it’s beautiful.

The Definition of Want is a fabulous exploration of a canon ‘what-if’ scenario. It’s angsty, it’s sexy, it’s real, and you should give it a try.

Jess - As a true Team Edward girl, the premise behind this story made me feel all sorts of weird, and to be completely honest, the first few chapters and even parts throughout made my heart hurt really hard for Edward. But I knew something like that would happen going into this story, so I can’t say I was surprised.

This is the story about two men who are deeply in love with one girl. Both of these men are good, both of them bring out beautiful and special parts in this woman, and both of them would do pretty much anything to buy more time and to make the woman happy. So, Edward and Jake find themselves in the dilemma of trying to convince Bella that she doesn’t really want to be a vampire, that she needs more time... both for very different reasons. Hence, Edward’s proposition to Jake that he father a child with Bella. Now, I know what you’re thinking... it’s very “Indecent Proposal”-like. I asked myself so many times, how is this going to work? Is Edward really going to let Jake sleep with Bella... before he’s even had a chance to? Is Bella still going to marry Edward... after she’s slept with Jake and may be pregnant with his child? So many questions, and audreyii_fic tells their story with such beauty it makes my heart all swirly just thinking about it.

There is so much more to this story than just Bella and Jake having sex. You can feel the hesitation, the unsurity (yes, I know that’s not a word), but you can also feel the pull between them. They are both scared, but the connection between Bella and Jake is so intense, so happy, and so, so warm. I loved the version of Bella that we see when she iss with Jake, and it really highlighted for me just how different Edward was from him and how different Bella was when she was with him. In fact, that is one of the major themes of this story - hot vs. cold, soft vs. hard. There are so many examples of how this plays out, and as the story progresses, you see extreme differences Bella the two men - one hard and cold, the other soft (aka human) and warm - Bella loves.

The secondary characters in this story were a really nice addition. Leah - bitter, feisty Leah - left my heart feeling warm as we watch her personal growth and the loose friendship she forms with Jake. Quil and Embry, always the funny pair, were full of laughs. I mean, can you picture Quil, in leather, hooking up with Leah? Just total win! Even Sam, you see his protectiveness over Leah, even though he’s with Emily. There were just a lot of really great character-rounding moments that added great depth to the story.

I said the story was more than about sex, and it definitely was, but I want to share a little glimpse of what their sexual connection was like. It really turned the tide for me, helped me see what Bella and Jake could be together, and left me rooting (that may be a little strong) for them to figure out how to work through the sadness that was definitely going to come regardless of the path she chose.

This first bit shows the initial desperation between them. I loved this!

Then I leaned up and kissed her.

It wasn't like the times before. This time her lips were the desperate ones. I didn't need to be desperate. Bella had already said she loved me, but that was different than wanting me, and now I had both. I didn't have to be desperate. I could take my time to feel how she shivered when I brushed my thumb across her cheek, to inhale her smell of girl soap and pancakes, to feel her eyelashes brush against the bridge of my nose as she closed her eyes.

Something in the back of my mind started to lecture me, saying You aren't supposed to do this, remember what Leah said, the reasons that this is a bad idea, remember what will happen and that neither of you are ready for it-

Then Bella made a little noise in her throat, reached up to tangle her hands in my hair, and opened her mouth, her hot tongue seeking mine.

Shut the fuck up, I told the voice firmly, and I deepened the kiss.

This just left me feeling all kinds of achy, warm, and good. The reference to eighties music... you’ll have to read it to understand. Both of them are completely inexperienced, so watching them try to figure out how to work together, touch each other, and adjust to all these new sensations was breathtaking and haaawwwttt.

"All right, just... wait a second." I gritted my teeth - wait a second, shit, did she have any idea what she was doing to me? - and closed my eyes, because if I watched... I felt her body pull away from mine, felt her legs shift against my sides, felt her take my length in hand (here I go ag-a-ain...), felt slickness rub across me, then the tightest, wettest warmth in the world, oh holy fucking God-

"Ouch," Bella said.

My eyes flew open. She was wincing. "You okay?" I managed to say, trying not to clench my hands and leave bruises on her hips.

"I'm okay." Her eyes closed and she nibbled on her lip. "Just don't move, let me get used to it."

As though it were possible to get used to this sensation. There was no amount of eighties music that was going to help me here. I stared at the ceiling, feeling sweat roll off my forehead, trying desperately to fight down the instincts that were telling me to shove as hard and deep into her as I possibly could, that that was how it was meant to be done-

Then Bella placed her hands on my chest, raised herself a couple of inches, lowered herself back down. "Oh," she gasped. "That feels good."

Thirty seconds, I begged my body. Just give me thirty seconds of this, please oh please oh please-

Bella started to rock back and forth, grinding her hips into mine. Then she leaned forward and draped herself over my chest, her hair falling all over me. "Jacob," she said breathlessly, her face flushed, "you feel so hot."

My fingers dug into her flesh as I thrust up into her, over and over, hard and fast and warm and slick and I was saying something but I wasn't sure what and then fire shot up my spine and speech was impossible and she raked her fingers through my hair and I spurted into her and if I was ever sure of anything it was that I was put on earth to do this to her, we were put on earth to do this to each other...

There is so much more that could be said about their growth in this story, but to say more, in my opinion, would just ruin it. Team Edward, if I can read this, so can you. It’s a great story and is rife with answers to the possibilities. This story helped me find a soft spot in my heart for Jake.

Oh... and there are some fun drabbles that link to this story as well. Check them out!
Future Take with Baby#1 and Christmas lovin’.

Teal - To be completely honest, I wasn’t quite down with this story when I started reading it. (Bear with me; I’m not hating here!) It felt completely out of canon for Edward to go to the lengths that he did and for Bella to react the ways she did, but I persevered, continuing to read because my other pervs were raving about how great it was, and I trust their opinions =) Even though I’m usually down with non-Edward/Bella pairings, it took some conscious effort for this one to sink in for me. I had to put aside my hesitations and appreciate this alternate possibility for Jacob and Bella for what it was -- a fanfic -- an alternative to canon. And then I enjoyed this fic.

So why tell you all this? I suppose because I know there are other people out there like me who enjoy the occasional Jacob/Bella fic but aren’t necessarily Team Jacob. My heart still hurt for all these characters, but the way it all unraveled, the stupid, rash decisions and the difficulty of feeling conflicted about where your heart is leading you made it an enjoyable read.

For Jacob lovers, this story will be an absolute squee-fest the further you get in, and for those, like me, who love E/B but still go for other pairings, this will be a great story to get into that will provide variety, unpredictable plot points, and delicious lemons, both of the angst and fluff variety. Enjoy!

Meet the Pervs

The members of the pack would like to introduce you to the newest initiate among our ranks, unfortunately, they are busy subjecting her to the initiation rites of the Smut Shack, so this will have to do:


Liz, aka SubtlePen joined the fandom in November of 2008. She started out reading only vamp/canon, but eventually discovered the joys of all-human and slashfic. She'll read damn near any pairing at least once, in virtually any genre, but angst, UST and drama send her to her happy place. Every now and then she gets a hankerin' for some good ole' porn-without-plot smutty goodness, but if you want to hook her for more than a chapter or two, it better have a damn creative plot and excellent dialogue attached. Although she loves gritty, flawed characters when she's reading, she tends to write sappy fluff, and has a weak spot for Jasper/Edward slash. She accepts bribes of the chocolate variety, and has been known to like a good spanking.