Thursday, March 10, 2011

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy


The Naughty Nurse is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!


The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

Hi... so weird question: Is it normal not to like kissing? I haven't actually done it all that much, but on the few occasions that I have, it didn't do anything for me. Quite the opposite, actually. Their kissing styles were different but I didn't get anything out of it, and I found it really hard to stop thinking about things like, "should my eyes be closed?" or "how long more are they going to want this for?". My friends said it depends on the guy, but I'm not sure. It makes me feel upset because I really want that one good kiss? Not fanfiction perfect, but like, *good*. Is there something wrong with me?

You've read Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy often enough to know that there are no weird questions, bb. Please, consider yourself within the range of normal before we even go any further, okay?

Is it normal not to like kissing? Sure. The thing about the human sexual experience is that there are always things you enjoy, or don't enjoy, and it varies from person to person. So, while kissing is the norm in our society, kind of like the starting block, it doesn't do anything for you. That's cool, and there is no reason to get bent out of shape simply because lots of other people like doing it, but you do not. Think about it this way: what if, instead of kissing, the most common sexual expression in our society was licking your finger and sticking it in someone's ear. If you didn't like doing that, would it be weird? No, of course not. It would just be different, and that's okay. So, if you truly don't care for kissing, make no apologies, just understand that it isn't part of your bag of tricks, so to speak.

That being said, there are a couple of other things that we should address here. First of all, you've experienced several different kinds of kisses, but they still didn't get you going. It's possible that it depends upon the guy, but it is equally possible that it won't matter who you're kissing, that it just isn't going to be your thing. I suggest giving it a try with a few more partners, as the opportunities exist, before writing it off completely. If the lack of interest in kissing remains, it's okay to shelf the idea. If you do end up preferring not to partake, just be certain to be up front with that information when you date a new person; it helps keep things from getting too awkward if you get it out in the open.

Second, you seemed to be rather preoccupied during your kissing encounters. For me, that is more telling than your lack of being turned on by the kiss. Perhaps you are a private person by nature, and it is hard for you to let down your guard. Again, there is nothing wrong with that, it just means it's harder for you to get into the moment. Instead of allowing your mind to wander into such thought as "I can't believe people enjoy this!" or "How long is this going to possibly last?", redirect your train of thought. Focus on the kiss itself--what are his lips like? Do you enjoy the amount of pressure, or would you like less? Try taking one of your partner's lips into your mouth, and see what that is like. Have you been French kissed? If you haven't, it can be really erotic, if you end up being into that sort of thing. The important thing is to allow yourself to experience the sensations of the kiss, and focus on ways in which it might become more appealing to you (like kissing their upper lip). You may find out it's more enjoyable that way, or you may not. It's worth a try, no matter what.

Finally, there is the possibility that you aren't kissing the right kind of partners. Yes, I did use that dubious word "partner." It might just be that you prefer the same gender as yourself, and that is why multiple kisses from men haven't done it for you. I have no idea one way or the other if this is even remotely true, but it is a possibility. Just something to ponder, as you try to figure out what kinds of things do, or do not, turn you on.

No matter what, hang in there. Not enjoying kissing isn't the end of the world, after all. There are plenty of other sexy things that feel good, and I have no doubt that, over time, you'll figure out what those things are. Good luck.

Do you have any special tips for giving a handjob and blowjob to an uncircumcised guy?

Well, I could wax eloquently for hours about uncircumcised peens, but rather than bore you all to death, I discussed this with my resident parka experts to make sure my information was spot-on. I'm nothing if not a stickler for all the juicy details, after all. Before we get into the mechanics of sexing up a parka peen, let's review the basics.

The foreskin of a penis is a piece of skin the size of a quarter, and contains more than three million cells, 12 feet of nerves, 100 sweat glands, 50 nerve endings, and almost three feet of blood vessels. Naturally, parkas come in all shapes and sizes. There is actually a Foreskin Coverage Index, a scale from 1-10, where one is circumcised and ten is a foreskin so long that the head of the penis is never seen. My personal favorite is C5, where the head is partially covered, but completely uncovered when the guy is fully erect. For your viewing pleasure, I have included a place you can go to play with your very own parka peen (it's okay; Naughty Nurse Kimpy is giving you permission to play): Secret Penis

The amazing thing about an intact penis is that the foreskin provides lubrication to the head of the penis. Why is that amazing, you ask? Because, when you wrap your hands around an uncut man, the foreskin glides easily up and down the shaft. You never have to use lube, for sex or for jacking off. It's like one of those stress reliever toys, called water wigglies. Trust, playing with a foreskin is WAY more enjoyable and stress relieving than playing with a water wiggly. Just saying.

Now, here come the special tips.

1. Above anything else, listen to the parka's owner. He'll let you know what he prefers when it comes to his peen. It's always the polite thing to do, after all, when you have someone's penis in your hand.

2. Depending upon the amount of parka coverage your partner has, the head of the penis can be very sensitive. Tread gently until you know how much pressure to use. Again, ask for direction--you won't look like a novice, you will look like a caring sexual partner, and that is never a bad thing.

3. Some parkas don't retract very far, while with others, the parka slides back to reveal the entire head (oh, don't even get me going on that one!). A good rule of thumb is to never force a parka to retract further than it wants to go. We aren't out to do any gymnastics maneuvers with your partner's peen, after all. When you play nice, you get invited over for more play dates, and that's really the goal here, right?

4. When it comes to giving oral attention to a parka, while the principle is the same as with uncut peens, there's more to play with here. While this may not be a perfect example, think of the foreskin as similar to pussy lips--they're sensitive, and it can feel good to give a gentle tug, or a little nibble. You can slide your tongue between the penis head and foreskin, and then close your top lip over the outer side of the foreskin. Many women combine their blowjob technique with jacking off, if they are unable to deep throat. With a foreskin, however, you need to be sensitive to hand placement on the shaft. If you get it too close to the head, you're delivering too much sensation in a small area. If you get your hand too far down on the shaft, you lose some sensation. No one penis is the same as any other, so consult with the expert and you'll always get it right.

5. Rumor has it that if you own both a parka AND a detachable shower head, much fun can be had combining the two in the vicinity of one another.Take the shower head, put it directly on top of the penis head, and PRESTO! Instant fun. Again, take some time to experiment with this, and see what you can come up with on your own. Improvisation is a great thing.

6. What might even be the sexiest trick of all? Grab his hand, put it over yours on his shaft, and, with the head of his cock poised to go in your mouth, tell him, "I want you to show me exactly how you like it." 
I mean, come on--that's like an equation for success right there!!

The bottom line? Experiment. Play. Have fun. I'm fairly certain your parka owner will be very on board with this plan of attack.

Let's talk about the uncut penis...does the water syringe trick really work? My man is uncut and I'd love to try it on him!

In the Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy Sex Lab (Why, of course such a thing exists! It's where I gather all my experts for roundtable discussions and experiments), I had one very willing participant try out the infamous Bella Swan Original Parka Peen Syringe Technique for me. Just what is the infamous Bella Swan Original Parka Peen Syringe Technique? Take an oral syringe (5-10 mL size), fill it with water, slide it carefully under the foreskin, and pull the skin up over the peen's head. Squirt water out of the syringe, then suck it back in, over and over until you have achieved... ahem... success.

Sadly, the Sex Lab results were mixed. You see, it all depends upon the individual parka--it works for some, but not for others. During our experiment, squirting the water out onto the head of the peen was just plain win, but sucking it back up into the syringe proved problematic--the parka skin got sucked up in addition to the water. It wasn't enough to cause pain and/or permanent injury (thank god!), but still, it wasn't a fully successful experiment.

The end result? The jury is out on the overall utility of the Parka Peen Syringe Technique. If your partner is game, go ahead and see if you can make it work. As an alternative, you could also use a turkey basting bulb (preferably one that hasn't been, nor will be, used for basting); the larger size might remove the problem of foreskin getting caught in the syringe. You can always count on Naughty Nurse Kimpy to be dreaming up new ways of having fun in bed. Or in the kitchen. Or the living room. You get the point.

Do you have a question for Naughty Nurse Kimpy? Click the banner below, fill out the form, and get your answer in the next installment of Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy.



Sarahmesh said...

I'm just curious as to what story you are referencing?

kimpy0464 said...

I am loathe to pimp myself... but if you want to check it out, you'll find it here:

girli565 said...

Parkas are so hot, thanks for the shower info. My hubby's parka peen will be very pleased ;)

Maybe we'll try the syringe trick.

kimpy0464 said...

*the squee heard round the world is emitted by kimpy*

SO glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for letting me know.

Autumnltd said...

Kimpy, you are killing me. You know this, right? So much win!!

kimpy0464 said...

*blush* Aw shucks, just doin' my job, ma'am. :)