This week, Naughty Nurse Kimpy has been busily working on the vibrator post, but my Sex Lab Assistants haven't quite finished their... ahem... research yet. In the interim, I have asked our resident threesome expert, Einfach_Mich, to handle the ins and outs (so to speak) of three-way sex.
The information and advice from Ask Whore in Residency Einfach_Mich is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.
My boyfriend has been asking me for a long time to have a threesome with him and his best friend. (They are both bi) What is your opinion on threesomes and what should I do in preparation for it?
I think it will come as no surprise to anyone that I am a strong supporter of threesomes (as well as polyamory and all forms the many forms of non-monogamy). Any safe and consensual sexual expression is cool in my book. What's most important right now is your opinion of threesomes.The first thing that you need to do before embarking on any new sexual adventure with your partner (especially if it is going to test your relationship as non-monogamy can do) is think a lot and talk a lot about whether this is really something that you want to do. From the way you phrased this, your boyfriend has been asking you for a long time, which to me implies you've been declining this request for a long time. You need you ask yourself why you are hesitant, and then express those feelings honestly to your boyfriend. If you are at all worried about how this will effect your relationship, if you're not really turned on by the idea of fucking two guys at once, or if you don't really find your boyfriend's bestie attractive NOW is the time to speak up.
Allowing another person to enter your relationship, even for just one night, will forever effect that relationship. Not to mention that fucking a new person can be a very emotionally significant experience for a lot people. Once it is done there is no taking it back. You need to be very sure that this is what you want, and that you are comfortable with the situation. You and your boyfriend need to talk it out and make sure that you are both very clear about how you both feel before you even begin to discuss the details.
If you are totally into the threesome, and want me to stop preaching scroll down to Threesome 101. However, if you have any reservations about the threesome please keep reading.
I feel like I need to take a moment to say this because often, in fandom and in life, we feel pressured to explore our sexual boundaries. Sometimes we push ourselves based on our own desires, and that is okay. It's when the pressure come from outside sources that there is a problem. Women have a lot of sexual freedom, and sometimes we can feel like we are "missing out" if we do not explore every sexual opportunity that comes our way. Much like with monogamous sex, the reality of a threesome is very different than the glossy fantasy portrayed in fan fiction, and porn.
I also want to caution not just you, but all women, to always think about what they really want, before agreeing to sex (of any kind). Your own desires should ALWAYS be the primary reason for you to put yourself into any sexual situation. What I mean, specifically here is, if you do not have any interest or desire to be in a threesome or to have sex with your boyfriend's best friend DO NOT DO IT! You have a right to say no. Your boyfriend has an obligation as a loving, supportive partner to not pressure you, and if he does try to pressure you, DUMP THE MOTHERFUCKER*. Anyone that can't respect your wishes and sexual boundaries doesn't deserve to be with you.*As Dan Savage of the Savage Love column always says: DTM.
Now, if you are not into the threesome, but still want to be supportive of you boyfriend's desire, you might want to think about opening up your mind (and relationship). It possible that your boyfriend might secretly want to have a sexual relationship with his best friend, and sees this threeway as a easy way to arrange it, but still keep you involved. (Please note: As a bisexual, I have actually been in the position of your boyfriend, and tried to use this scenario to open up my relationship without coming right out and saying "I want an open relationship.") If you feel comfortable enough with your relationship, and you trust that your boyfriend's best friend will respect your relationship, I say that you give your boyfriend a counter offer. "Hey, honey, I love you and I want you to be happy. I'm sorry, but I'm not really feeling the whole threesome thing. However, if you want to suck off you best friend while I watch, or while I'm out with the girls next Saturday, have at it."
Being a loving and supportive partner doesn't always mean you have to open your legs, it can mean just opening your mind.
Hey Nurse Kimpy!
I've been married for two years and before that, my husband and I had been together for a year before we got hitched. I had very few partners before him and I'd never really been very sexually adventurous until we got together. He's had much more experience than I have and recently, he suggested that we try a threesome. I was a little shocked and he took my apprehension to mean "no" so he hasn't brought it back up, though I'm very, very intrigued. I even have a mental list of third-party candidates that we could try.
The problem is, having never had a threesome before, I'm not up to scratch on "threesome etiquette". How is it possible to have a threesome without creating jealousy problems etc? How does a threesome actually *work*?!
Thanks!
Okay, first I think I need to advise you that when you
approach your husband about this make sure to explain your previous reaction to his suggestion. He may have been hurt or embarrassed by his perception of your initial response. It was a big step for him to suggest it, and you should praise him for being brave and sharing his desires with you. If you want to make sure that he will feel safe to express himself honestly in these kinds of discussions it's important to start off on the right foot. Doing this will also allow you to feel more comfortable with voicing your own desires, not matter what they are. That is the most important first step of discussing a threesome, having an open and honest conversations with your partner about your desires.You can get the nitty-gritty details of how to do a threesome by scrolling down to Threesomes 101.
Talk
You cannot talk enough as far as I'm concerned. I'm not talking the "let's make a sexy check list of all the freaky shit we want to do to each other." I'm referring to the messy, "let's talk about our feelings, measure the pros and cons of doing this and make sure we are prepared for the consequences." Please note: You can never be 100% prepared, but you can sure as fuck try to be.
Picking the Third
First, picking the right third party is
extremely important, and can really make or break the experience. How you go about picking them varies from couple to couple. There are, in fact, two very distinct schools of thought on the subject.Some believe it's best to go with strangers or distant acquaintances, in order to avoid the overlap of your sexual life with your day to day life. Others believe that only close, trustworthy friends should be considered for something so intimate. Really, that part is going to be up to you and your husband.
What I can suggest is that you vet whomever you pick. Get to know them, and make sure you're very comfortable with them before any clothes come off. My personal measure for having sex with anyone is this: Can I can see myself sharing my toothbrush with them? I mean, if I can't put their toothbrush in my mouth, how could I handle having their dick in my pussy? After all, that is what we're talking about. We're not asking someone over for tea, we are inviting them to fuck you and/or your spouse. This is serious, so be a harsh critic when screening possible thirds.
Special Note: I cannot emphasize enough to pay special care to the general hygiene. Keep a close eye on things like whether they brush their teeth, wash their hands and trim their nails. Especially if you’re considering having sex with another woman for the first time as part of this threesome, for the love of all that is holy and your vagina, ask that she trim her nails!
Negotiate
This is the same messy talk, but it involves the third party. The couple should arrange a comfortable, no pressure, non-sexual meeting with the third party. Have a nice meal, watch a movie or play a board game*. Then when everyone is relaxed, sit down, and hash out the details of what you all would like to get out of the experience. (Please note: I strongly caution against excessive amounts of alcohol. A glass of wine is fine, but if you get drunk you won't stay focused on what you need to do). I know this sounds extremely un-sexy, and honestly, it should be. This meeting is where you need to let it all hang out, and show the third party who you really are. It's only fair, soon enough you are all going to be naked together. Be yourself, and get comfortable with them. (If the third party is a close friend, you may feel like you can skip this, but you shouldn't. People change when sex is involved, and you need to prepared to see that new side of your friend.) See if you have the sexual chemistry that will make it a wonderful sexual experience for everyone. Remember that 90% of sex happens in your mind, and liking a person is a big step toward enjoying fucking them.
Also everyone involved should get screened for STIs (Sexual Transmitted Infections), and share the results with everyone involved. I don't care how long the primary couple have been monogamous, or if the third party partner is a virgin (though Sweet Baby Jesus DO NOT participate in a Threesome for your first time!) GET TESTED!
*Important note: Use low pressure non-sexual activities to see what kind of person the third party is, remember that if they cheat or ignore the rules of a board game, they may not respect the rules you set down for the sexual encounter. Monopoly often gets people to show their true colors. ;)
BoundariesThese are fundamental in every sexual relationship, but doubly so in any new sexual situation. Boundaries are rules that you set out with sexual partners to help them avoid actions/behaviors that could either turn you off, or worse, cause you to feel threatened/unsafe. They can be everything from "don't pull my hair" to "I can't see my boyfriend kissing another person." They can also be complicated: "I can't be fucked from behind" or "I don't want to kiss you after you've sucked his dick." There also boundaries around interaction before and after the threesome, like asking that the third party to no call one member of the couple without the consent of the other.
The important thing to remember is that everyone has a right to their boundaries, and those boundaries must be respected. Trust is a fundamental component to any successful relationship, sexual relationships (even one-offs) should be no different. Also, boundaries can be renegotiated. You have the freedom to change your mind at any time, but it's your obligation to your partners to communicate those changes to them as soon as you're aware of them. Important boundaries should be set around safe sex, birth control, confidentiality and respecting the primary relationship.
Managing Jealousy
Jealousy is going to happen, even to people who have been in open marriages or poly-relationships for decades. It is natural and understandable. That’s why you should be prepared for it to arise and have tools to handle it.
For this I’m going to quote Serolynne.com, a great blog on polyamory:
There are actually two different 'negative' emotions that we can feel when we see a loved one with a different person. Jealousy and Envy. A lot of time, the two emotions get confused.
Jealousy - A fear of losing something you already have.
Envy - Wishing you had what someone else has.
The first step when you're having a negative reaction is to step back and ask yourself what you're really feeling. Do you actually fear that your partner is going to leave you for this person? Or are you perhaps envious that your partner has a new partner and is getting to experience some excitement, or envious about the things they're doing?
It’s important for you to understand that jealousy is something that you must address with yourself. Your partner can reassure you until they turn blue in the face, but they will never change how you feel. You have to trust in the security of your relationship and believe that your partner loves you, in order to be prepared to combat jealousy.
It is also very important to share these feelings with your partner when they occur, not to blame or lay the responsibility on them, but to let them know where you are at emotionally. Even the best of us can have a down day, and it will show in your behavior. Let you partner in on how you’re feeling and they may be able to help. Sometimes a hug and an extra “I love you” is all that’s needed to quiet the green-eyed monster.
There are many resources on how to manage jealousy available on the web, including the entirety of this Serolynne.com article located here. Polycat.com’s Theory of Jealousy Management. Also Reid Mihalko does workshops on managing jealousy in non-monogamous relationships, and is currently doing a lecture tour about Negotiating Successful Threesomes.
Dry (Wet) Run (optional, but still recommended)
If you have never been sexually intimate with the third party partner, I suggest a Dry Run. This is a threeway make out session, that excludes sex. You can all decide what you define as sex; blow jobs, and hand jobs could be okay for you. What's important is to get the jitters out of the way, and get to know each other sexually without the pressure of sex. Please note: It is very common for the Dry Run to turn into a Wet Run (aka full on sex). This is completely okay if all parties agree to it. What's nice about the Dry Run is that you can get a preview of the good and bad things that my arise between the three of you. Bad things could be you aren’t turned on by the third, someone breaks a rule or someone feel *cough* performance pressure (aka impotence). The Dry Run allows you to spot it, and politely back down (or out) of a potentially bad situation before people have a condoms on, and are about to fuck.
Doing the Deed
Think of this like going on a camping trip. Make sure you won't be disturbed. In fact, it's not a bad idea to tell people that you are, in fact, camping, or going out of town, or just plain ain't going to answer your phone.
If you're going to do this at your place, for the love of all that is holy, CLEAN. After all this person is a guest, and this situation is supposed to sexy. Nothing kills the mood like dirty dishes or a messy bathroom. Stock up on food and other supplies*. You never know when you're going to get the post orgasmic munchies, and it is very important for you to stay hydrated during all that cardio. ;) Also, make sure you're stalked up condoms, and lube.
*Check with your third party partner to make sure they don't have any food restrictions (vegan) or allergies. Nothing ruins the mood like anaphylactic shock or a severe latex allergy.
Final Note
Have fun. Enjoy each other, and don't be afraid to stop at any time if you aren't comfortable, even if that is in the middle of fucking someone. The whole point of doing this is for your own enjoyment, and if you're not having fun what is the point of doing it?
If you are interested in learning more about navigating through threesomes, poly and nonmonogmy in general you should check out the list of website and book resources below.
Websites
Freaksexual blog post about nonmonogmy, and boundaries.
Alternative Marriage Project is a great resource to get answers to all kinds of questions, and to see the day-to-day reality of polyamory.
Polyamorous Peculations another great resource on poly life that has an active forum and community of welcoming people.
Polyamory.org has even more links to sites.
Books
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures
This is the definitive book on how negotiating obstacles and strengthen you love while exploring non-monagomous relationships.
Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful
Polyamory (the book) is for everyone with any interest in the subject. Whether you’re merely curious, or already embroiled in a complex responsibly nonmonogamous life, you will find a greater understanding of what is going on. -Amazon.com
Polyamory Handbook Users Guide pretty self-explanation.
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