Thursday, March 3, 2011

Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy


The Naughty Nurse is an advice column that addresses reader’s most burning questions on sexual health/relationships. STDs, birth control, is it real or is it fic, sexual positions--you name it. There are no stupid questions, only ones that are too embarrassing to ask someone you know. If Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find an expert who does!


The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

You deserve some sort of public-service award for the way in which you consistently provide helpful factual information in your supportive and well-written columns. I don't have a question; I just wanted to share something with you that I saw today:

Oral Sex Raises Cancer Risk

(It's subtitled, but you can also click on the "English VO" tab for an English-only version. Even though it's a serious subject, the Soixante-Neuf Restaurant scene, where the guy orders a fish taco and the girl gets a sausage is pretty clever.)

Well, I guess I do have a question, especially given the abundance of oral sex in fanfic (and every single second of it unprotected): Is there something we should be doing to reduce our cancer risk?


Not so much a question, but a PSA I recommend you pass on.
Saw this from NPR Virus Passed During Oral Sex Tops Tobacco as Throat Cancer Cause and figured you might want to pass on the information that oral sex isn't safe sex without a condom & diseases can get passed that way.
Most FanFic portrays blowjobs as just something that slutty girls will do without regard for the danger of it (besides being seen as a slut) so it seems like a good idea to pass it along!

We had a long discussion about this new research at the Shack, trying to determine the best way to disseminate this information. We concluded that the Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy blog seemed like the logical choice. You two just provided us with the perfect segue, so thank you for that!

It brings tears of pure joy to Naughty Nurse Kimpy's eyes when readers are up to snuff on their sexually transmitted disease information. *sniff* Truly, kudos to both of you for not only paying attention to the news reports, but also for taking the time to leave them as points on my blog!

For those of you who haven't heard, my readers are correct--HPV, or Human Papillomavirus--is not only the most commonly transmitted STD, but also is the cause of nearly all types of cervical cancers. Recent research has shown that it is the cause of more oral and throat cancers than is tobacco. Yes, that's right--more than tobacco! There are over 40 different types of HPV, and they can infect male and female naughty bits, the throat, and the mouth. It is an insidious little virus, and most infected people aren't even aware that they have it. According to the Centers for Disease Control, "approximately 20 million Americans are currently infected with HPV. Another 6 million people become newly infected each year. HPV is so common that at least 50% of sexually active men and women get it at some point in their lives."

The good news is that there is a vaccine available. For women, there are two different vaccines--Cervarix and Gardasil--that provide protection against the most common types of HPV that cause cervical cancer; Gardasil also offers protection against most types of genital warts. Both vaccines are recommended for 11 and 12 year-old girls. For women ages 13-26 years of age, they should get vaccinated if they did not get any or all of the shots when they were younger. These vaccines can also be given to girls as young as 9 years of age. It is recommended that females get the same vaccine brand for all three doses, whenever possible. Gardasil has been approved to protect boys and men ages 9-26 against most genital warts.

No matter what you read in a fic, please remember that the only way to have truly safe sex--oral, vaginal, or anal--is to use protection. If you're giving a blowjob, that means with a condom on your partner's penis. If you're the one receiving pleasure, your entire vaginal area needs to be covered. Dental dams work great for that purpose, but if you don't have one handy, a condom slit along one side will work in a pinch, too. Most importantly, with HPV, you are at risk if you have direct contact the the skin surface or sexual fluids. The unfortunate news is that even if you use a condom, however, you still might not be protected 100%, because HPV can be present on the skin surface near the genitals, not just on the peen or vag themselves. Yes, the whole thing just bites, but if you are serious about being safe--and I beg you to be serious--you'll use your protection.
*Naughty Nurse Kimpy steps down from her soapbox*

Dear Kimpy,
I have a question about tampons and orgasms. I'm eighteen and I've never worn one a tampon. I've tried many times to get one in but it hurts. The last time I tried I managed it get it halfway in, but there was a sharp pain that lasted for several minutes afterward.
I've been to an OBGYN to see about an itch, but she didn't use the speculum. She just used a finger to check my hymen and OW. It hurt for a really long time. She said I had a really small opening.
Anyway, I really want to wear a tampon so I don't have to worry about my yoga classes. I was wondering about trying to get one in while masturbating...kinda the same idea as preparing for sex? (virgin, btw.)
Is it safe to orgasm with a tampon in? Any tips? I'm getting frustrated. Anyways, if I can't even get a tampon in, how will I ever have sex? OW. No thanks.
Help me please! I've had to cut off snorkeling vacations due to my period before. I want to wear tampons!

All right, from all the information you've provided to me, it appears that you are one of the women who has a larger hymen, which was confirmed by your gynecologist when she said you have a really small vaginal opening. I empathize with you, because I'm sure your vaginal exam was painful. Likewise, there is no way you're going to get a tampon in there comfortably. I'm sure it is not only very frustrating, but also the source of discomfort.

Here's what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would go back to my gynecologist and explain the dilemma, emphasizing that it is difficult for you to enjoy certain activities (i.e., yoga and snorkeling) because you can't wear a tampon. I imagine that she will have some solutions or suggestions for you. It might even be possible for her to cut your hymen for you, under local anesthetic. It's worth a try to discuss your options with her, since she has a much bigger bag of tricks at her disposal than do I.

In general, the best way to make tampons easierx to get in is to use some lube to help it glide into place. Use lube on the end of the tampon, and apply it to your vaginal opening as well. If it causes you to much pain in your attempt, please stop. I don't want you to hurt yourself for the sake of getting that tampon into you!

And, for the record? It is completely safe and natural to orgasm with a tampon in place.

Do guys really prefer big breasts? I read the fics and I see most pics in the media like Brooklyn Deckler, and I feel inadequate. I'm the size of KStew, and yes, she still got Rob, but is that just an exception? Guys laugh at her 12 year old body on the internet and think Rob's either crazy or gay for not going for a Victoria's Secret model, since he can. They prefer to screw someone who has an ugly face, but has "pillowy boobs". Is this the norm?

Hello, first I wanted to thank you because you responded to my previous post and I am very much grateful. In the previous post there were pictures of various "nether lips" and it showed how different each were. I want to ask about breasts. Sometimes I am very insecure about them because I dunno, I guess they're not like the ones I see in pictures or portrayed in the media...

Please remind yourself that guy internet chatter is just as crude and crass as ours is. It's one thing for them to go on and on about it on the internet. In real life, it isn't so cut and dried. Yes, there are plenty of guys who are "tit men," and they seem to love fake boobs the size of cantaloupes. However, not all men are tit men; there are plenty who love a nice ass, or nice long legs (hello, RPattz and KStew). The person who falls in love with you is going to love you for who you are, not who they wish you could be. Your partner will love your breasts because they are yours, not because of their size alone.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret here: Small breasts work just the same way as big ones. They can breastfeed babies, they can get hard nipples, and they are soft and pillowy. Perhaps not as pillowy as a size D, but you get the idea. Let me turn the dilemma around and try to help you see it in a different light. What if the man you fell in love with had a smaller than average penis? Would you break up with him? Would you laugh at him? Would you refuse to touch it, or have sex with him? No, of course you wouldn't (at least, I hope you wouldn't!!). When it comes down to it? Sex still feels good, regardless of penis size. Boobs still feel good, whether they are a handful or a mouthful. When the small genitals belong to someone you love, the size becomes less important--you love it simply because it is one part of a person who you love. You take the whole package (literally), good and bad, large and small.

Remember that regardless of how you look, there is nothing--nothing--sexier than someone who is comfortable in their skin and confident in their body. Go out there and flaunt those A cups--pretend if you have to. Confidence in yourself makes others want to know you, to figure out what you have that is so amazing. Chant to yourself in your mirror every time you leave the house: "I am sexy just as I am." Pretty soon, you'll start to believe it. And why not? Who wrote the rule book that said small breasts are unimportant, or unattractive? Don't ever feel inadequate or unfeminine because you rock an A cup. Honestly--trust me that there are men who are just fine with you being on the small side. You're absolutely perfect just the way you are, because your small breasts are part of what makes you a unique and special person. To prove my point? Here is a website with all different types of breasts, large, small, unsymmetrical, but REAL: Breast Gallery
Do you have a question for Naughty Nurse Kimpy? Click the banner below, fill out the form, and get your answer in the next installment of Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy.



Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for responding to my question. It made me feel better. The link to that website is awesome. All girls should visit it. Thanks again!

kimpy0464 said...

I'm so glad it helped! I agree with you about the website--if only more women knew what real boobs looked like, the world would be a better place. I get so tired of fake balloons in place of breasts. So happy I could help you out! Thank you for letting me know.

Anonymous said...

I want to say thank you too - the website made me feel a little better about mine too!

Kimpy0464 said...

That's exactly the effect the post was meant to have--thanks for letting us know!

Anonymous said...

My fiance actually goes against the perceived norm and prefers smaller breasts - too bad I have 38G's!!! Kind of ironic :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting re: dangers of unprotected oral sex!

Re: breast size - all you girls out there with 'small' breasts are lucky for so many reasons. While you may not get the self-proclaimed 'boob guy' you do generally get to wear shirts without bras, you get the cuter bras, you don't get the back pain associated with oversized breasts, and yours will stay perky much longer.
I'm a D and there are days I wish I were a C or less because whenever I go to stores like Kohls they just have flirty fun bras for those C & below. I can't get that without paying a fortune at a specialty shop.
We all long for what we don't have, sexy curls for those stuck with stick straight, smaller, perkier breasts for those of us doomed to bounce, smaller abs, more curves, the list goes on. We should always try to love ourselves for who we are without any surgery or alterations :)

Anonymous said...

I have BIG boobs...but I'm fat. Be careful what you wish for! I long for the days when I was a size B with a long, lean body. I had plenty of guys after my small but sporty boobies.

Anonymous said...

I've been really hating my body these days because not only have I been overweight my whole life, but my breasts are also so small compared to the other overweight women i've seen throughout my life! I'm 20, overweight, and am still wearing an A cup! UGHHH! This post is helping me work through it. thanks =]