The Nitty Gritty on a Bare Kitty

Let me start by saying that I'm not a medical professional. I've never given a wax nor do I know wtf it takes to give one to someone. I am just an idiot who likes a bare kitty. What you read below is simply my opinion on the three methods and in no way should be considered the bible for hoo-ha hair removal.

Waxing
Length of smoothness: 4-5 days
Cost: $60-80
Time constraint: About 45 minutes, depending on your waxer

The Process: It really depends on how much or how little you want removed, but for our purposes, we're going to go with the whole shebang - The Brazillian. When you go in to your friendly neighborhood spa for a Brazillian, they get all the hair everywhere - yes, really everywhere. Front to back and everywhere in between. I've been to three different people and they each had their way of allowing me to get prepped for them to be all up in my bidness. The first left the room and gave me these ridiculous little disposable underwear to put on (and by underwear, I mean a huge rubberband holding up a strip of fabric), the second left the room so I could undress and gave me the option for the previously mentioned ridiculous underwear (though I declined that time), and the third just turned around and got her wax station set up while she let me strip and hop on the bed/table/doohickey.

Once you're up on the table, spread eagle for all the world to see, the wonderful person (or hopefully wonderful) you've put your cooter in the hands of slathers on hot wax and rips it off with strips of cloth. Does it hurt? You bet your ass it does. Surely you didn't think kittens just came in and licked the wax and hair off, did you? Obviously it's not too terribly bad, though, otherwise estheticians would be out of a job and a lot more women would be super hairy. On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being a papercut and 10 being childbirth, I would say that waxing the kitty is probably a 4-6, depending on your waxer and how sensitive your skin is.

When they wax, they get (or should get) everything. From the start of hair above your pubic bone, all the way to your ass (yes, your ass), you should be as bare as the day you were born. It helps if you just give it a once over while you're still there to make sure she got everything. Once she's done waxing, she'll also grab a tweezers and go to town getting all the strays. Yes, this hurts almost worse than the waxing itself, but it's necessary to get the smoothness.

The Pros: If your esthetician does a good job, you are super smooth and I'm not gonna lie - it feels amazing. Sex really is better with absolutely no hair in the way and the fact that hubs has a hard time keeping his hands off is just an added bonus. The hair also grows back thinner and softer. No itchy cooter when it does.

The Cons: Obviously, the pain is a major con for this route. Besides that, you're looking at spending anywhere from $60-80 every 4-6 weeks. You also do get wax all over and it's virtually impossible for them to get it all (or at least, I had yet to go home wax free), so it's messy. In the beginning when you first start waxing, the length of time that you are completely smooth is really very short in comparison to the pain and the money spent, as well as the length of time needed between waxing. My esthetician said that I wouldn't see a large span of time for smoothness until I had been doing it for years - not just months. I generally had two days (one of which I was too tender to do any sort of...um...extra curricular activity) of complete smoothness, then two days of red bumps from irritation covering the hoo-ha, and then the regrowth would start.

On the scarier side of things, unless you have a referral from a trusted friend, it's a crapshoot on how to pick an esthetician. Why have I been to three different people? The first left me covered in wax and hair. And the second burned me - yes, I had actual 1st degree burns on my cooter. I finally found someone satisfactory with #3. This isn't a joke, ppl. Know who's in yer lady business.

Questions from the fandom:
How long does it last? It changes the longer you go, but I'd been going for six months and I was only smooth for 4-5 days.

I want to know about the first time...how do I prepare? Should I prep or trim or anything? My esthetician said that she would trim if necessary, but if you've never shaved before and are working with a full on 70s bush, yeah, I'd trim. If you keep it pretty tame, it just needs to be about the length of a grain of rice.

Is there a better time of the month to go...like right before your period or right after? Lower tolerance for pain? I always went right after my period, figuring the majority of hair growth would happen while Aunt Flo was visiting. You aren't supposed to go right before or during your period because you're more sensitive during that time.

Should medicine be taken beforehand? If so, suggestions? Yep, taking advil or tylenol helps ease the discomfort, though just slightly. :)

Can you experience it right away, or is there a certain period you have to wait or are suggested to wait before you have sex? You can probably have sex whenever you want after it, but I was always too tender to even think about anything pounding away in there. That doesn't mean you can have your hubs get in some licks, though. *wink* I was always fine the next day, though.

What kind of questions do you ask to the person you're planning on going to, to know that they know what they're doing? I don't really have much other than "How long have you been doing this for?" and maybe "How many per day do you do?" You want someone experienced - not just in years doing it, but in actual numbers of cooters waxed - when they're down in your business.

Shaving
Length of smoothness: about a day
Cost: Less than 5 bucks
Time Constraint: About 5 minutes, depending on how fast you are

The Process: I think this is pretty straightforward. Lather the kitty up with some good shave cream and go to town. I actually found Noxema Bikini Shavers at Target that I used for the lips and the smaller areas of my lady bits, and then used my standard razor for the main areas. The first time I shaved, I shaved against the direction of hair growth, attempting to get a completely smooth shave. I stopped that immediately when my hoo-ha erupted in irritated red bumps and ingrown hairs. From then on, I could only shave with the direction of hair growth, thus not resulting in a completely smooth kitty.

The Pros: It's obviously the quickest to go this route and probably the cheapest. You can do it yourself whenever the need arises and can even enlist your significant other to help. *wiggles eyebrows*

The Cons: Two words: Razor burn. Shit hurts and it doesn't look pretty, either. I was also so, so itchy with the regrowth. Besides that, I was never, ever completely smooth - even when I shaved against the hair growth, I never got as smooth as I did with waxing.

Magic Cream Hair Removal
Length of smoothness: about 2 days
Cost: Less than 5 bucks
Time Constraint: About 10 minutes, including applying and set time

The Process: This works basically like Nair does, you lather on the white cream and let it set for a specified amount of time before you remove with a washcloth or other item of your choice. I used this all over - up, down, around, inside the lips, etc - and had smooth results. Obviously you don't want this to go inside your body, but everything else is game. I also found that using a bit more than you'd think would be needed helped, as did leaving it on for the maximum time (9 minutes) to get the hair off easily.

The Pros: It's easy, it's painless and it's cheap. It gives a smooth kitty - not *quite* as smooth as with waxing, but pretty damn close. I'm also certain that once I perfect the application of the cream, I can get the more dense and coarse hairs completely off, resulting in a wax-like smoothness. There's also no bumps, no irritation, no ingrown hairs, and no itchy regrowth.

The Cons: It's sort of a pain to do - I stood around half naked in my bathroom with one leg up on the toilet seat while I waited for the nine minutes to be up. The day of the removal, the kitty was slightly irritated - not bumps but just a sort of dull burn in the area. Though it says on the tube that it has a "clean scent" they are obviously lying bastards or have never smelled it. It smells basically like Nair does - with a slightly less potent odor. Also - fyi - don't pee immediately after you use it. Shit stings.

Questions from the fandom:
How close to the promised land can I get? Everywhere. On the lips, inside the lips, on top of the pubic bone, down in between your thighs, everywhere. As long as it stays outside of your body, you're good.

How long do you need to wait in between uses? It says on the bottle to allow 24 hours between use, so you could probably use it daily, if you wanted. I, however, used mine about a week apart.

Where can you get this? I found mine at Target, but I know they also sell it at Walgreens and probably that awful store known as Wal-mart. I got mine in the shaving aisle with the razors, shave cream and nair products.

We all know your husband dines regularly at the Pink Taco Cafe ... Which is HIS preferred hair removal method? Has he noticed any changes (good or bad) with each method? Any taste/smell changes? Mr. Bri: I prefer the waxing from a smoothness standpoint. I think the skin and hair are both softer that route. However, I like that you can get smooth whenever you want with the Magic Cream.

Mr. Bri on changes: With the magic cream there were no bumps like you get with waxing. The waxing does leave you softer and smoother, if only for a short amount of time. Shaving sucks ass.

Mr. Bri on taste/smell: Nope, it all tasted good. (yes, he really did say that)

Overall Review:
All in all, I think I'm a Magic Cream convert. After doing waxing for five cycles (for the last six months or so), I was growing frustrated with the short time that I was completely smooth. It also was really sucking my bank account every month that I had to dish out $70 for a trip to the spa.

I like the price tag associated with the Magic Cream. It's also a nice compromise between the time required for shaving and that of waxing. You get a pretty smooth kitty with zero pain (just slight irritation) at a price that is good for anyone's pocketbook.